Page 27 of The Life She Could Have Lived

YES

While Anna was getting ready, Edward stomped around.

She knew he didn’t want to go to the party, although he hadn’t said.

Edward liked parties on his terms – the ones where he knew everyone and could move from group to group, feeling relaxed and comfortable.

At Nia’s party, he would only know her and Nia.

While she straightened her hair and did her makeup, she watched him in the mirror.

He had slate-grey trousers on, slim fitting, and a black shirt.

Over the past few years, his hair had turned from jet black to salt and pepper, and she liked it. He looked distinguished, handsome.

The door opened and Sam came in. ‘Why are you wearing that?’ he asked, pointing to Anna’s dress.

‘I told you, me and Daddy are going out tonight. It was Nia’s birthday last week. She’s having a party.’

‘Will there be ice cream?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Will there be soft play?’

‘Definitely not.’

Sam looked at her as if he didn’t understand why she would be going to such a dull party, but then Edward crossed the room and picked Sam up.

‘I thought you guys were watching Transformers ?’

‘We were but there was a scaredy bit and Thomas wouldn’t make it go faster.’

Sam got most of his words right now but he still said ‘scaredy’ when he meant ‘scary’ and Anna hoped he wouldn’t stop.

She wanted to cling on to the last reminders of babyhood.

Sometimes, when he cuddled her, she felt his plump cheek against hers and thought about the way Thomas’s cheeks had slimmed down as he’d got older.

It was so intense while you were in it, that baby and toddler phase, but it was heartbreaking to realise it was coming to an end, too.

She listened to Edward and Sam leaving the bedroom and going downstairs.

The babysitter would be arriving any minute.

She looked at herself in the mirror. She had turned forty a month before, and she tried to see whether it showed on her face.

Some days, she thought she still looked young.

And then someone would reference something, at work or in a shop, and she would realise that people thought of her as a middle-aged woman.

Mumsy. Boring. Done. It wasn’t often that she made an effort these days, but she thought she was looking pretty good.

She’d bought a new dress that skimmed over the tummy she’d gained with her pregnancies and never quite managed to lose.

It was short, and it showed off her legs, which Nia always said were her best asset.

She smiled at herself as she applied eyeliner and a bold red lipstick.

She felt a little daring. Remembered how it had felt when she’d gone out in her twenties, the way men had looked at her.

The way Edward had looked at her, the night they met.

Could you still be looked at that way, at forty? She hoped so.

When they arrived at the bar Nia had booked, Anna thought about her own fortieth.

She hadn’t wanted a big party like this.

Instead, she had gone away for a spa weekend with Nia and had a child-friendly dinner with Edward and the boys on the night itself.

It had been nice, but now she was wondering if maybe she’d sold herself short.

Nia had gone all out, and the room she’d hired was filled with gold and black helium balloons and elegantly dressed people.

On a table in the corner, there was an enormous cake.

Nia had said she might as well treat it as if it was her wedding, and she’d laughed, but there was an edge to it.

Anna knew that, at times, Nia was tired of being the fun single one.

Edward put his hand on the small of Anna’s back and steered her into the room. Nia screamed when she saw them, as if she hadn’t seen Anna about four hours earlier to discuss last-minute arrangements.

‘Wow, she’s in full Nia mode,’ Edward whispered into Anna’s ear. ‘I’m going to the bar. Gin and tonic?’

Anna nodded. She hated it when Edward said anything vaguely negative about Nia. She hoped it wouldn’t be like that all evening.

‘Hello, gorgeous,’ Anna said, stepping into Nia’s embrace.

‘Everyone came!’ Nia said, holding Anna at arm’s length as if she’d forgotten what she looked like.

She was wearing a dress that looked grey in some lights and silver in others, and her long hair was scooped up messily and somehow pinned to the back of her head. Her silver heels were five inches high.

‘Of course they came,’ Anna said. ‘Why wouldn’t they?’

‘Oh, you know how it is when it’s your party. You always think no one will turn up. I’m just so relieved. ’

Edward reappeared at Anna’s side and handed her a tall glass. ‘Happy birthday, Nia,’ he said, leaning forward to kiss her cheek.

‘Don’t you look gorgeous?’ Nia asked, and Edward broke into a smile.

‘Don’t you?’ he countered.

An hour later, Edward and Anna were standing in a corner, trying to have a conversation over the pounding music.

‘Did I tell you I’m seeing Sam’s teacher next week?’

Edward looked a bit pained. ‘Again?’

‘Well, it’s not getting resolved, is it?’

‘It’s just kids’ stuff. They can’t all like each other.’

Anna tried to fight down the fury that was rising up in her chest. ‘It isn’t just kids’ stuff. Thomas hasn’t had anything like this. He mentions it nearly every day.’

‘Did you ever go through something like that at school?’ Edward asked.

Anna thought about it. ‘Nothing physical, but some name-calling. Clare Walsh in my year three class was an absolute bitch. Used to decide each day who she was going to make life miserable for, and she had this little gang of followers.’

Anna reflected for a moment on Clare Walsh. Where did people like her end up? Surely they didn’t just carry on writing bitchy notes about people’s hairstyles and who fancied Sean Davies in their adult lives?

‘Did your mum go into school?’

‘What? Oh, no, I don’t think so. Things were different then, weren’t they?’

Edward made a noise that could have been a snort.

She knew that noise. He made it when she said she was going to stop eating so many biscuits and when she said she was meeting Nia for one drink.

But this was different. They were talking about their son, about his welfare.

Anna dug her nails into the palms of her hands.

‘What?’ she asked.

‘I just think you’re smothering him. He’s not always going to get on with everyone, is he? Are you going to go into his office when he’s twenty-five and having problems with his boss? It’ll be good for him, this kind of thing. It’ll toughen him up.’

Anna couldn’t say anything for a minute or two. Her mouth hung open. ‘Do you really think those things? Or are they just things you say?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘All that man up bullshit?’

‘Well, he’s quite different to Thomas, isn’t he? He’s softer, gentler. It’s lovely, but I think it’s hard for a man to go through life being like that.’

‘I can’t listen to this,’ Anna said.

Nia danced over to them and then stopped, sensing the tension that sat between them like a black cloud. ‘Did I interrupt something?’ she asked, a little drunkenly. ‘Should I go?’

‘No, Nia, you’re fine. I’m going,’ Edward said.

He walked off and Anna watched him leave the bar without looking back, without checking how she would get home.

She finished her drink and immediately wanted another.

It didn’t happen often, but sometimes she felt she and Edward were so misaligned that she couldn’t believe they’d chosen to live their lives together, to raise children together.

‘What was that?’ Nia asked.

Anna shook her head. ‘A fucking shitshow. ’

‘Want me to ask if any of the waiters have J names?’ Nia asked.

Anna laughed and shook her head. Nia linked her arm through Anna’s and they went over to the bar to order more drinks.

It was while they were waiting at the bar that Anna saw Steve out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head quickly, and Nia noticed, and followed her gaze. She hadn’t seen Steve for a couple of years, and it was like a punch to the heart. What was he doing at Nia’s party?

‘Who are you looking at?’ Nia asked.

‘The guy with the sandy hair and the beard.’

‘Oh yes. He’s hot, right? He’s going out with Chloe from work. I think his name’s Steve.’

‘It is,’ Anna said, and Nia gave her a quizzical look.

Chloe. Anna was running through her mental rolodex of Nia’s friends.

She thought she might have met Chloe once or twice, at some other birthday drinks.

If it was the woman she was thinking of, then Chloe was one of those fun, pretty girls who always gave the impression they’d made zero effort and didn’t know what it was like to feel awkward.

‘We were friends,’ Anna said. ‘When the kids were little.’

‘Wait, that’s that Steve? Your Steve?’

‘He’s not my Steve!’ Anna’s voice came out too high, almost like a squeak.

‘You know what I mean. The one you kissed?’

Anna felt herself flush, even though she knew Edward had gone and Steve was too far away to hear.

‘Yes.’

‘You never told me he…’

‘What?’

‘Well, that he looked like that. ’

Anna stole another glance at Steve and felt like she was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘He looks like that.’

Anna went to the toilet. She locked herself in a cubicle and thought about what she would say to Steve when they inevitably ran into each other.

She remembered what Nia had said. He was there with Chloe.

He was seeing someone. Of course he was.

It had been a while since his divorce and, as Nia had pointed out, he looked ‘like that’.

And he was kind, too. Attentive. Funny. Not the kind of person who would stay single for long.

Anna wondered whether this woman he was seeing had met his son, whether things were serious.

Back out in the noisy bar, Anna looked for Nia.

She was on the dance floor and she beckoned for Anna to join her.

And for the next half an hour, she danced with her best friend, her arms in the air and her worries half forgotten.

A couple of times, she wondered whether Steve had seen her.

And then she chastised herself and tried to get lost in the music.

She and Nia had done a lot of this in their twenties and not nearly enough in their thirties.

Anna vowed to do it more in their forties. Once a month, at least.

When Steve approached her, Anna had almost stopped thinking about him. She was the perfect level of drunk, bolder than usual but not yet sloppy and slurring. Nia had gone to the bar and Anna was standing at the edge of the dance floor, waiting for her.

‘Hey,’ Steve said.

‘Hi.’ Anna flashed a bright smile.

But inside, she felt a little like she was falling. Whatever it was she’d felt for him, she still felt it.

‘Can I get you a drink?’ he asked.

‘Nia’s getting me one. ’

‘So my girlfriend Chloe works with Nia, and you and Nia are best friends. Right?’

‘Right. So how long have you and Chloe been together?’

‘About six months.’

It hurt more than it should have done. It was ridiculous. She had taken Edward back, told Steve nothing could happen. It was all her. She’d known he would move on. It would have been ridiculously selfish to hope he wouldn’t. But she hadn’t known how it would feel when he did.

‘How’s Luke?’

‘He’s great. I just miss him so much when he’s with Theresa. What about your two?’

‘All good, thanks. Thomas is learning to play the recorder, so that’s a delight. And Sam is just… well, you know Sam.’

‘I do.’ Steve nodded and then tilted his head. ‘Where’s Edward?’

Anna thought about making up an excuse and then decided against it.

‘He was here but then we had an argument about Sam being bullied and he stormed off.’

‘Oh.’

She’d made him uncomfortable. He was just so easy to talk to. She wondered whether other people found that, whether he was always having to listen to everyone’s secrets and difficult truths, or whether it was something particular to her, to them.

‘Sorry.’

Steve shrugged. ‘Don’t be sorry. What’s going on with Sam?’

‘Are you sure you want to hear about that? At a party?’

He shrugged again. ‘Sure. If you want to tell me?’

‘What would you do if Luke was crying every night about a boy in his class pushing him and saying he was smelly or stupid or whatever? ’

‘I’d talk to his teacher, or the head, or whoever.’

‘And what if you did that, and it just kept going on?’

‘I’d keep trying.’

Anna nodded. He’d keep trying. She felt suddenly close to tears, and wasn’t sure if it was the gin she’d been drinking all evening or the fact that this man seemed to be more closely aligned with her on the parenting of her sons than her husband.

And then she decided to say something, knowing that it was dangerous.

‘It could have been us, here at this party together, if I hadn’t pushed you away, couldn’t it?’

Steve looked at her with an expression that was all kindness. Was it pity? She’d said too much. She wouldn’t have said it if she hadn’t been drinking.

‘Anna…’ he said.

But she couldn’t wait to hear what he was going to say. There was no answer that would help her. She turned and fled. Left the party without picking up her jacket or saying goodbye to Nia. Just walked away and kept on walking.