Page 23 of The Life She Could Have Lived

NO

At five o’clock on the dot, Sarah came and stood over Anna at her desk.

‘Time to go,’ she said in a sing-song voice.

Anna had been messing about with a spreadsheet for an hour; she gladly closed it down. She looked up at Sarah and grinned. ‘Road trip!’

‘Have a good time, you two.’

Anna looked up and saw David standing a few feet away from her desk.

It was hard to read his tone. He knew about the trip, had approved the time off for both of them, and the previous night, he’d asked Anna not to go.

Asked her to spend the time with him, instead.

Wasn’t this what she wanted? Days on end spent together like a proper couple?

But no, not quite. Their relationship – whatever it was – was still a secret and that always made her feel slightly grubby.

Still, she’d been tempted to cancel. David was like a drug to her.

But this was Sarah, one of the most important people in her life, and Anna knew she’d feel like shit if she lied to her and let her down.

She was pretty sure Sarah would be in her life long after David had left it.

She looked him in the eye, gave him a stiff smile and turned back to Sarah.

They’d been planning this break for weeks.

They were going straight from the office to a car-hire place and then driving to Boston, because Sarah couldn’t believe Anna had never been there when it was only three hours from New York.

They’d taken a couple of days off so they could make it a proper trip.

Anna was excited. She’d explored New York pretty thoroughly in her time there but hadn’t made many trips to other places in the States.

When she thought of Boston, she thought about the Cheers bar and the marathon, but Sarah had told her they were going to go to Chinatown for food, laze in the parks with their books and walk The Freedom Trail for a bit of history.

Anna was more than happy to let her lead.

Anna was the designated driver, because she missed it, and Sarah was the tour guide.

An hour later, they were on their way. Anna welcomed the sense of freedom she always felt when she got behind the wheel. She’d started out slow but was gradually gaining the confidence to go a little bit faster.

‘How long since you were in Boston?’ she asked.

‘Years,’ Sarah said. ‘We used to go there when I was a kid, sometimes. And I’ve been with girlfriends but not for a long time.’

Sarah reached across and put her hand on Anna’s thigh, and Anna tensed involuntarily.

She didn’t know how to say it to Sarah, who she so enjoyed spending time with, but she wanted them to go back to just being friends.

At least, she thought they should go back to that, because of her feelings for David.

She loved him, and although she was sure he wasn’t faithful to her, she felt uncomfortable sleeping with anyone else.

‘You okay?’ Sarah asked.

Anna nodded.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Sarah asked.

‘The future,’ Anna said. It was true. She worried about the future in a way Sarah never seemed to.

‘In terms of…’

‘I don’t know, everything. You and me. Love. Where I’ll end up living. Babies.’

‘Babies? I thought you’d decided babies were off the table.’

Anna sighed. She had decided that, hadn’t she? And yet, sometimes she saw a woman with a baby strapped to her front and felt a pang and couldn’t settle to anything all day. Was that just biology? Or societal expectation?

‘I think I have. I’m just, sometimes, not sure. Have you always known?’

‘What, that I don’t want to have kids? I think so.

Actually no, that’s not quite true. When I was about twenty-five, I was broody as hell for about a year.

I was single at the time, and I even started looking into adoption and sperm donation, and then I met someone and it just sort of…

went away. I always assumed it was biological. ’

‘Maybe,’ Anna said.

‘As for the rest, I’m not sure it’s love, for us. I’m not sure it’s ever heading that way.’

Anna nodded. She did love Sarah, but she wasn’t in love with her. ‘I know that,’ she said. ‘Don’t worry, I know that. I just get so confused sometimes, and feel like I’m treading water.’

‘I know, you’re still looking for it, that thing, that feeling.’

The truth was, Anna thought she’d found it. When she was with David, she felt happier and more secure than she ever had. But it was all still a secret, and she knew the power dynamic made it complicated, and she felt like a fool.

‘Let’s talk about something else,’ Anna said.

‘Okay, how’s your friend Nia doing?’

Anna changed lanes and looked at a sign as they passed it.

She was stalling, trying to gather her thoughts.

She and Nia weren’t as close as they’d once been.

It was inevitable, she supposed, with the physical distance between them, but the gap had definitely been widened by Nia’s journey into motherhood.

‘I think she’s okay. We Skype and email. She tells me funny things Cara has done, sends me photos. She doesn’t talk much about herself, about how she feels about things.’

‘I guess there just isn’t as much time to reflect on that, once you’re a mom.’

‘Yes.’

They were silent for a little while, and then they were getting into Boston and Sarah was directing Anna to the hotel she’d booked for them.

It was a nice place, compact and family run.

They had a small room on the third floor, and the décor was a little tired but there was a vase of fresh flowers on the windowsill, and that made Anna smile.

She was exhausted, she realised, after a day at work and the long drive.

‘Shall we order room service?’ Sarah asked. ‘The guy at the desk said they could do sandwiches.’

‘I love room service!’

When they were eating, and Sarah was telling a story that made her snort with laughter, Anna felt less tense.

Sarah leaned across the bed and kissed her, and Anna opened her mouth and closed her eyes.

When David came into her mind, she pushed him into a corner.

This was where she was, she told herself. This was what she had.

They woke to a clear, bright sky and wandered around for hours.

Anna liked to get to know a place by getting lost in it, so Sarah let her lead them, and they discovered corners of the small city that Sarah had never seen before.

When they were eating lunch, greasy burgers in the small garden of a restaurant, Anna asked a question that often came up for her.

‘Do you ever wish we hadn’t done this? That I hadn’t kissed you that day and we’d just stayed friends?’

Sarah’s expression didn’t change. ‘No. Why, do you?’

‘No, I don’t think so. But I worry that I will.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, you’re my best friend over here, and I thought we’d always stay in touch, even if I go back to London, but now it’s more complicated than that, isn’t it? When we decide to put a stop to this, do you think we’ll be able to be friends?’

Sarah appeared to think this over. ‘I think so. I hope so. The way I see it, this works while it makes both of us happy. If it stops making you happy, just tell me. And I’ll do the same.’

‘Would it bother you, if I was seeing someone else?’ Anna asked.

‘No,’ Sarah replied without a pause. ‘You know it wouldn’t. Are you?’

Anna wanted to tell her. She wanted to say that sometimes when she stayed late at work, she and David were waiting for everyone to leave so they could have sex in his office with the door locked.

She wanted to say that what had started out with hotels she could never afford to stay in had taken its inevitable tumble and landed with hasty kisses in the lift that left her wanting.

She wanted to say that she had got into something that had promised to be fun and light and had ended up being terrifying.

That she loved David in a way she’d never loved anyone, and she wasn’t sure he loved her at all.

‘No,’ she said instead. ‘There’s this guy I met, he asked me out. That’s all.’

‘Do you want to tell me about him?’

‘No.’

There was a pause, and when Sarah spoke again she said something Anna would never have expected.

‘Why do I feel like you’re going to tell me you’re moving home?’

In her saddest moments, when David had left her feeling abandoned and worthless, Anna thought about going back to London. Pretending it had never happened. Letting herself heal in a city that was too far away for him to persuade her to change her mind.

‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I don’t have any plans to leave at the moment.’

Sarah smiled, but looked like she wasn’t quite convinced. ‘Let’s get the check.’

Anna stood up to leave, and then she heard someone call her name, and when she turned, she saw James. Jamie. Nia’s boyfriend, Jamie.

‘Hey,’ he called, moving between tables to reach her. ‘What are the chances? I told Nia she should tell you I was coming to the States, but she said you never leave New York.’

Anna was confused. It was like being in a dream, where you see someone in a place where they shouldn’t be.

Jamie, with his London accent, in a restaurant in the middle of Boston, on her first ever trip there.

She realised she hadn’t said anything, and that Sarah was looking at her a little strangely, waiting for her to introduce them .

‘God, sorry,’ she said, coming back to life. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I’m here for work.’

Sarah cleared her throat and Anna realised she’d been standing there, too shocked to speak, for a long moment. She gathered herself.

‘This is my friend, Sarah. Sarah, this is Nia’s boyfriend, Jamie.’

Jamie grinned. ‘Hi, Sarah.’

‘So, work trip,’ Anna said.