Page 29 of The Life She Could Have Lived

Had she been a fool to say no to this life?

Sitting there, the early evening sun slipping down the sky, Anna felt like she might have made the biggest mistake, choosing to live alone while everyone was settling down in these little groups of three or four.

But then she reminded herself that it wasn’t Nia’s family she’d turned down.

It was Edward. And things hadn’t been right between them. She knew that was true.

When Nia appeared, her hair damp on her shoulders, she grinned at Anna. ‘What a nice surprise!’

Jamie stood up. ‘I’m sorting Cara out. Anna needs a glass of wine and an ear.’ He lifted Cara over his shoulder and she giggled. ‘Say goodnight to Mummy and Anna!’

‘Goodnight, Mummy! Goodnight, Anna!’

Nia smiled as they retreated, then turned to Anna with a worried look. ‘What’s happened?’

Anna felt the breathlessness returning. She’d been able to cover it while she was talking to Jamie, had been able to pretend she was fine.

‘Have I made a huge mistake, not having children?’ she asked.

Nia’s eyes widened. ‘Where has this come from?’

‘I just saw Edward. On the common. With a baby.’

‘His baby?’

‘Yes. It’s not about him, I know that. I just… It’s like I suddenly realised that I’m forty and I’ve closed the door on something for good and I don’t know whether it was the right thing to do.’

‘Wine?’ Nia asked, and Anna nodded.

Anna took a long drink when Nia handed her a glass.

Just then, Jamie put his head around the door. ‘Sorry, N, she wants you to say goodnight to her again.’

Nia smiled an apology at Anna and disappeared inside, and Jamie took her place at the table for a minute, even had a few sips of Nia’s wine.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked Anna.

‘I’m fine.’

‘Must be rough, seeing him like that, out of the blue.’

Anna wondered what exactly Jamie knew about her relationship with Edward. What would Nia have seen fit to divulge? It wasn’t as if there was anything shocking or terrible. It hadn’t been a bad marriage. It just hadn’t been right.

‘He had a baby,’ Anna said.

‘Ouch.’

‘I mean, it’s not like… I knew that’s what he wanted. He wanted us to have one and I just wasn’t ready and…’

‘You know, I grew up without a dad. I think you did too, if I remember correctly. And it really messed me up in terms of becoming a parent. I was terrified I wouldn’t know how to be a dad, because I didn’t have one.

If it hadn’t been for Nia getting pregnant unexpectedly, I’m not sure I would have done it.

I wonder if you have the same fear, but the opposite way around.

A fear of being left to bring up a baby on your own, like your mum was. ’

Anna didn’t know what to say. It was like he’d reached inside her and got to the very heart of things. She wasn’t sure it was entirely accurate but it was more the fact that he’d thought about her childhood and how it might impact her as an adult, as a mum.

‘Sorry,’ Jamie said, ‘I interrupted you. You said you weren’t ready then. What about now?’

‘Now I’m forty and I live alone and come and interrupt your family evening when I have a crisis,’ Anna said, laughing to show him she wasn’t feeling too upset .

‘We wouldn’t have it any other way,’ he said, getting up again and switching places with Nia without another word.

‘Tell me again what it’s really like, being a mum,’ Anna asked.

‘It’s the best and the worst thing I’ve ever done,’ Nia said.

‘It’s exhausting, it’s boring, it’s thrilling, it’s wonderful.

Mostly exhausting. I feel like, if it wasn’t for the sleep deprivation – which isn’t only a baby thing, don’t be fooled about that – I would love it. But I’m so tired all the time.’

Anna wanted to ask if Nia thought she would have another one.

She’d never said, and Anna had never quite felt like it was okay to ask.

What if they’d tried, or were trying? She would tell Anna, wouldn’t she, if she wanted her to know?

She recalled what Magda had said about Nia, that night so long ago. One big love, one child.

‘Am I missing out?’ she asked instead.

‘Yes,’ Nia said, and Anna wished she hadn’t asked.

‘In that you’re missing something, but you’ll never know what it feels like if you don’t do it, so it’s hardly like missing anything at all.

And you’re gaining other things, like freedom and peace and space to think.

Don’t do this, Anna. Don’t agonise. You have a good life. ’

She did, Anna thought. There were days like this, when it hurt to be alone.

But there were so many other days that she felt grateful for the life she’d chosen.

For the travelling she could do, the long hours she was able to put in at work, when she needed to, without making arrangements and phone calls.

For the way her weekends were hers alone, to do with as she pleased.

For the time and space she had to think and to just be, with no one pushing at her boundaries and closing her in.

Did it all make up for the feel of a soft cheek against yours and the weight of a small person in your arms? She hoped it did.