Page 42 of The Life She Could Have Lived

YES

Anna had had a good morning. She had two new clients and was due to work on some big upcoming releases.

It was really starting to work well, her little enterprise.

Sometimes, she wished she’d done it years earlier, but then she stopped herself and tried to focus on what had gone right.

She’d found the courage to do it, and perhaps all the knockbacks she’d suffered from those publishing jobs had led her here.

She was happy, making up her own rules and hours and not having to spend time on the Tube getting to an office in town. She felt free, in a way.

When it got to lunchtime, she closed her laptop and got her things together and took the bus to Nia’s.

‘Hey!’ Nia opened the door and ushered her in, and Anna went through to the living room, where Theo was sitting in front of the TV, watching a cartoon about dogs that appeared to be performing some kind of rescue .

‘Theo!’ Anna said. ‘Happy birthday!’

He didn’t turn from the screen. Nia swept into the room, picked up the remote and switched it off, and Anna saw Theo’s lip start to wobble.

‘How old are you, Theo?’ Anna asked.

He showed her three fingers. ‘Three,’ he said. ‘I watch Paw Patrol .’

‘Later,’ Nia said. ‘Anna’s come to see you.’

Anna took the present she’d brought from behind her back and Theo’s eyes lit up. It was a big box, wrapped in bright spotty paper. She handed it to him and he tore at the paper.

‘What is it?’ Nia asked in a whisper.

‘Toy laptop,’ Anna said. ‘Hopefully not too noisy.’

Meanwhile, Theo had got into the present and was trying to open the box. Nia got down on her knees to help him while Anna watched on.

‘Shall I make some tea?’ Anna asked.

‘No, I’ve bought prosecco. It’s a celebration!’

Anna thought about saying no, that she had to work in the afternoon, but there was something so deliciously decadent about the idea of having a glass or two of prosecco in the middle of a Monday.

Especially when it was her wedding anniversary, and she was still adjusting to the fact that she was no longer married.

So she smiled and let Nia go to the kitchen for the drinks.

Theo’s party had been at the weekend. For the first time, Anna hadn’t gone.

He had his own friends now, from pre-school, and they’d gone to a soft play.

Nia had invited Anna, but said that the place was hell on earth, so Anna had arranged to see them on the day itself.

For the next twenty minutes, they played a few party games and did a bit of dancing, and Anna felt nostalgic for those early birthdays with her boys.

It had always felt so hard at the time; she’d been so tired and had always been stressed about the cake or the arrangements.

She wished, now, that sometimes she’d just invited Nia over for an impromptu disco.

After a while, Nia put the TV back on for Theo and he settled down, and Nia sat beside Anna on the sofa, poured them both a second glass.

‘Is it weird, today?’ she asked.

Anna was touched that Nia remembered the significance of the date. The fact that her son had been born on Anna’s wedding anniversary meant that the date was an important one for both of them, in different ways.

‘Sort of. I mean, not really. I just keep thinking about what we’d be doing if I hadn’t left. Another dinner, another year gone. It was really time, but it’s still sad, I guess.’

‘How many years would it have been?’ Nia asked.

‘Eighteen.’

‘Christ, how are we old enough?’

They laughed, but there was something underneath the light-heartedness.

They were forty-seven. It was an age Anna couldn’t even have contemplated when she stood there promising forever to Edward, and yet here they were, and she still felt twenty-three sometimes, still felt she was waiting for an adult to tell her what to do.

‘Half the mums I know have Botox, and I’m the oldest of the lot of them,’ Nia said.

Anna raised her eyebrows. ‘Are you tempted?’

‘Am I bollocks. How are we supposed to fight the fact that women aren’t allowed to age if we go along with it?’

Anna grinned. She loved this woman.

‘So we’ll just grow old, shall we? And they can all just accept it?’ she asked.

‘Too bloody right.’

Every time Nia swore, she lowered her voice to a whisper, but it seemed there was no need. Theo was oblivious to anything going on around him.

‘What the hell is this, anyway?’ Anna asked, gesturing to the screen. ‘I don’t think it was around when mine were little.’

Nia did a little shudder. ‘ Paw Patrol . It’s like crack. I don’t get it but he cannot get enough of it. Still, at least we’ve moved on from Peppa Pig . I was ready to lose my shit with that one.’

‘So what are the plans for the rest of the afternoon?’

Anna glanced at her watch, saw that she’d been gone for an hour and a half. She should probably get back, and yet. She was having such a nice time.

Nia shrugged. ‘I’ll take him to the park, and then when Jamie gets home, we’re going to go to Pizza Express.’

‘Do you want some company, for the park bit?’

‘I thought you had to get back to work?’

Anna shrugged. The prosecco had made her feel carefree and light. ‘There have to be some perks to running your own business, don’t there? I make my own hours.’

What she didn’t say was that she was often at a loose end in the evening or at the weekend, so there was no shortage of time in which she could slot in extra work.

Nia brightened. ‘We would love that, wouldn’t we, Theo?’

She poked him gently on the shoulder, but he didn’t turn. Anna laughed.

‘Well,’ Nia said. ‘I would love that, anyway.’

It was a short walk to the park. Anna couldn’t remember how long it had been since she’d pushed someone on a swing or caught someone coming down a slide. It had all seemed quite tedious at the time, she remembered, but now it was lovely. Now it wasn’t her everyday.

‘I used to love coming with you to do this with your boys,’ Nia said, her eyes on Anna .

‘Did you? I always used to imagine you had somewhere better to be, but you were doing it for me.’

‘Well, I was doing it to keep you company, but it was wonderful, too.’

‘It’s so hard to appreciate it, at the time,’ Anna said.

Nia nodded. ‘I already get that. I feel like I barely remember the baby days, the way he would snuggle in so close, look at me like I was the whole world.’

‘And then they’re teenagers, and all they do is grunt.’ Anna laughed.

‘How is it, really?’

The boys had taken the split hard. They blamed Anna, because she was the one to instigate it, and Edward had done nothing to stop them.

She’d wondered, in the days leading up to her bringing the matter up with him, whether he would offer to move out, to let her and the boys keep the house.

But he didn’t. He said that it was her decision, and she could go, and though they had split custody, Anna was very aware that Edward’s house was their home.

Still, she had known there would be losses. She had resigned herself to that.

‘Sam is coming around,’ she said. ‘You know what he’s like, he’s a puppy.

So full of love, he can’t stay angry. But Thomas, I don’t know.

There’s this distance, and I’m really trying, but he’s a fifteen-year-old boy, so the last thing he wants to be doing is spending time with me, even if I hadn’t taken a sledgehammer to his family unit. ’

Nia tilted her head to one side. ‘Don’t be hard on yourself,’ she said. ‘It can be a nightmare with teenagers at the best of times. You’ll never know how much of it is about the split and how much is just hormonal.’

Anna nodded. She knew it was true, but it was hard to make herself remember it .

‘What about Edward?’

What about Edward? When she’d told him, he had been shocked, claimed he’d had no idea it was coming, that he thought everything was absolutely fine between them.

For days, he’d tried to talk her around.

And then, when she’d made it clear he wasn’t going to be able to, he’d said some awful, spiteful things. Things you couldn’t just forget.

‘He’s seeing someone,’ Anna said.

The words felt strange in her mouth. The boys had told her, and she’d made a point of not reacting, in case that was what they had wanted.

‘Wow, that’s pretty fast,’ Nia said.

Anna had known that Edward wouldn’t stay single for long.

He was attractive and he had a good job, a nice house.

There was nothing really wrong with him.

And he didn’t like to be alone, so it had been obvious that he would find someone.

And he had. Anna knew nothing about her, not her name, not what she looked like.

And she felt no jealousy or resentment. Not when it came to Edward, anyway.

The thought of this stranger spending time in that house with Anna’s boys was a different matter.

‘I guess it’s fast, but good luck to him,’ Anna said.

‘Have you given any thought to putting yourself out there again?’ Nia asked.

Nia wanted Anna to go on dating apps. She’d offered to help her create her profile, find some good photos, all of that.

But Anna didn’t feel ready. She believed she would be, one day, so she wasn’t worried about it.

But for now, she was enjoying getting to know herself again.

Finding out what she liked to watch on TV when she didn’t have to agree with anyone else.

Buying herself new clothes without a thought of what Edward, or anyone else, might think.

‘You’ll be the first to know, when I’m ready,’ Anna said .

Nia nodded. She didn’t push, and Anna appreciated that.

She was pushing Theo on a swing, but just then he started kicking his legs and when Anna asked if he was ready to get out, he said yes.

She slowed the swing down and helped him out, and he ran over to the roundabout.

Anna folded her arms and watched him spin around, in his own world.

He seemed to be good at playing by himself, which was good because Nia had said they weren’t going to have any more.

‘God, he’s so lovely,’ Anna said.

Nia followed her gaze. ‘Isn’t he? I feel so lucky to have him, after meeting Aidan so late in the day.’

‘We’re both lucky,’ Anna said.

And it was true, in so many ways. They had safe, warm places to live, enough to eat. They had their boys. They had their friendship.

‘There’s still time to get luckier,’ Nia said, her eyes creased with smiling.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, you’re single now, right? So there’s still time to meet the man Magda saw for you all those years ago.’

Anna shook her head. ‘I’ll be sure to be on the lookout.’

She’d never told Nia, but that evening when they were twenty-two had haunted Anna.

It wasn’t that she was a believer, but it was a strange thing to have hanging over you as you navigated through your life.

Your best friend sure you’d committed yourself to the wrong man, because he didn’t have the right name or the right job according to a backstreet psychic.

She didn’t mind Nia joking about it, but she did wish they’d never gone to see Magda at all.

That she’d never had half an eye on a different future.

‘I’m going to make a move,’ Anna said.

‘Okay. Thanks so much for coming with us. Oh, and Anna? ’

‘Yes?’

‘Aidan and I have this wedding to go to in September. They’ve invited Theo too but, let’s face it, we’ll have a much better time without him. I was wondering whether you might have him for us.’

‘Sure, I’d love to, if I can. Whose wedding is it?’

‘My friend Chloe.’

‘And Steve?’ Anna asked. She felt a little like she’d been slapped, tried to keep her voice level.

Nia clapped a hand to her mouth. ‘Shit, I forgot you knew him. That you two were?—’

‘Nothing. We were nothing. Send me the date, okay?’

Anna hugged Nia, and on the way out of the park, she tried to hug Theo, but he wriggled out of her grip and giggled, and she settled for blowing him a kiss.

She walked home. It wasn’t all that far, from Clapham South to Tooting Bec, and the lightness the prosecco had brought on had gone and she knew it could turn into a headache.

The fresh air would do her good. She thought about Steve, about how hearing he was getting married was a blow, even when she hadn’t seen him for a long time and knew he was in a committed relationship with Nia’s friend.

Perhaps it would always be like that, with him.

Perhaps they could have been something, in another life. But not in this one.

When she was about halfway home, near Balham Tube station, Anna saw a pair of children’s sunglasses and recognised one of the dogs from the programme Theo had been watching earlier.

She picked them up and rested them on a brick wall, hoping the owner would come back and see them.

She took some deep breaths, concentrated on the feeling of the early summer sunshine on her arms and face.

Every so often, it disappeared behind a cloud, and each return felt like a promise of good days to come.