Page 17 of The Life She Could Have Lived

‘Let’s go out for dinner, you and me. Your J man can have Cara, can’t he? If you feed her just before we go and we stay local…’

Nia looked uncertain. ‘I’ve never left her. I don’t know.’

Anna shrugged. ‘It’s up to you, of course. Let’s see how you feel a bit later.’

When Cara stretched and woke, Anna lifted her carefully from the basket and held her for a minute or two, but then she started to root around and cry and Anna had to pass her over to Nia for a feed.

About twenty minutes later, she heard a key in the lock.

Anna felt oddly nervous. Usually she met Nia’s boyfriends after the first couple of dates, and her approval was one of the hoops they had to jump through to be in Nia’s life.

But this was a done deal, wasn’t it? Jamie and Nia were living together.

They had a baby, they were a family. Where did Anna fit into this picture?

What did her approval matter, now? God, she hoped she would like him.

She looked over to Nia and saw that Cara had finished feeding and they’d both fallen asleep.

Nia was sitting up on the sofa, her head slightly back.

Anna stood and took Cara from her arms, and then went into the hallway.

Jamie was locking the door, but when he turned, Anna found herself taking a sharp breath in.

Because Jamie was James. The James she’d met on the bus almost a decade ago, who’d promised to call, but hadn’t.

The James she’d held every first date up against since.

Wasn’t it? It was. How had she not seen this in the photo Nia had sent her of the two of them together?

Perhaps it had been a strange angle or something.

Perhaps she’d been blinded by how happy Nia looked.

She saw him recognise her, saw his expression change .

‘You’re Jamie now,’ she said. It was all she could think of.

‘Anna?’

How was this possible? She had quietly hoped to find this man, and then she’d left the country and her best friend had stumbled across him.

‘I didn’t realise…’ he started to say.

‘Of course,’ Anna said. Why would he? It was one date. One magical, totally perfect date.

‘Where’s Nia?’ he asked. He looked worried, as if he thought perhaps Anna had done away with her best friend and stolen her baby.

Anna jerked her head in the direction of the living room. ‘Asleep on the sofa. That’s why I came out, to warn you.’

Jamie pulled a face. ‘She’s so tired,’ he said. ‘I don’t know what to do to help more. Come on, let’s go through to the kitchen.’

They snuck past Nia and went into the kitchen, and Jamie pulled the door closed.

Anna couldn’t stop looking at him, couldn’t believe he was here, in the flesh, after all the years she’d looked for him in crowds and in bars and on streets.

He was Nia’s, she reminded herself. The love of food and the name starting with J, it was all a coincidence.

She let her brain adjust to the fact that the thing she’d dreamed of was never going to happen.

Set fire to that dream. Stamped on the embers.

‘That time we went out—’ Jamie said.

‘Yes?’

‘I had a good time. I wanted to see you again. I lost your number.’

Anna had wondered about something as simple as that. She hadn’t had his number, so she hadn’t been able to call him.

‘It doesn’t matter now,’ she said .

‘No. Do you think, I mean, what should we say to Nia?’

Anna thought about her friend, struggling with her changed life and new to this relationship that seemed so right.

She thought about the times they’d discussed James over the years, jokingly, and sometimes more seriously.

Nia knew what Anna had built that night up into.

She didn’t need to know that the guy Anna had always held up as her dream man was her own boyfriend.

‘Nothing,’ Anna said. ‘I mean, don’t you think?’

Jamie looked relieved. ‘I think so. It was so long ago, right?’

Anna nodded. It was. She tried not to be hurt by how quickly and easily he’d agreed with her.

It had been her suggestion, after all. A memory came to her, of kissing him.

Of the way he had held her face in his hands, the warmth of his body against hers.

And then she pushed it out, swearing it would be the last time.

A dream she’d carried through her adult life was dying – was dead – and she couldn’t let Nia or Jamie know how much it meant.

She’d been ridiculous, she knew, to have built all she had out of one encounter.

Nia had encouraged it, the way friends did.

But she could see now how silly it had been.

Nia came into the kitchen, looking creased and sleepy and entirely at ease.

‘So you two have met,’ she said. ‘Sorry about the impromptu nap. I was so looking forward to introducing you.’

Jamie smiled. ‘Pretend we haven’t. Met, I mean.’

He caught Anna’s eye and she looked down at her feet.

‘Okay,’ Nia said. ‘Jamie, this is Anna, the only woman for whom I would genuinely jump in front of a bus. Other than Cara, of course. She’s brave and brilliant, and she lives in New-fucking-York, where we’re totally going to visit her one day, when I feel brave enough to take this one on a long-haul flight.

And Anna, this is Jamie, the love of my life, or something like that.

He makes the best scrambled eggs in the world – I have no idea what he does to them, and I don’t care – and he made me feel butterflies even after I’d had seven awful dates in a row.

You have to like each other, because I can’t choose between you. ’

While she’d been talking, Jamie had taken a bottle of white wine from the fridge and was pouring three glasses. He handed them one each.

‘Thanks, N,’ he said, leaning across to kiss her forehead. ‘And it’s so good to finally meet you, Anna.’

Even though they’d both agreed it was the right thing, Anna felt uncomfortable about the lie being cemented like that. There was no going back on it.

‘Listen,’ she said, ‘I was trying to talk Nia into the two of us going out for dinner. What do you think?’

‘I think it’s a great idea,’ Jamie said. ‘Me and Cara will be just fine here. You get about three hours between feeds in the evening, right?’

‘Exactly,’ Anna said, although she had no idea how long Nia got between feeds. ‘And there’s that Italian just down the road – is that still there?’

‘That Greek place is better,’ Jamie said.

Anna shuddered involuntarily.

‘She used to go there with her ex,’ Nia said, and Jamie put his hands up, as if in surrender.

‘Nothing fits me,’ Nia said, but Anna could tell that this wasn’t a real excuse. She was almost persuaded.

‘Go in your maternity jeans,’ Jamie said. ‘Who cares? Just go and have a nice couple of hours with your best friend, who’s flown a long way to see you.’

‘Okay,’ Nia said. ‘Okay.’ She smiled. ‘Give her to me, then, and I’ll feed her.’

As soon as they were seated in the Italian restaurant, Nia smiled brightly.

‘So what do you think, of Jamie? I mean, I know you’re always honest but I’m sort of tied to this one, so if you could stick to the positive, that would be appreciated.’

‘He seems perfect,’ Anna said.

It was the truth. It was clear to Anna how caring Jamie was, how he wanted the best for Nia, and wasn’t that what every woman wanted?

Someone who had her back, who supported her and gave her space and time to be the best person she could be?

And it didn’t hurt that he looked the way he did.

She thought about going against what she’d agreed with him, just throwing the fact that she’d once gone on a date with him into the conversation.

Funny thing , she’d start. But no, she couldn’t.

They’d acted like they’d never met. She had to stick to that.

It felt uncomfortable, because it was the first big secret she’d ever kept from her best friend.

Nia had been the first person she’d told when she got her period and her GCSE results, when she lost her grandfather and her virginity.

Now, something had changed between them, and Nia didn’t even know.

Nia took a long drink from the water the waiter had just poured for them. ‘That’s it? I mean, I know I asked you to be nice but no criticism at all? It feels a bit weird. Remember when you first met Charlie and said you thought he had the capacity to become a psychopath?’

Anna laughed. ‘And look how that turned out! You calling me from a bar because he was waiting for you outside like some kind of stalker.’

‘I’d forgotten about that. Doesn’t it seem like a lifetime ago? You know, when we were carefree and you lived round the corner.’

‘It does.’

They ordered pasta and wine, ascertained that the waiter’s name was Will, and Anna felt herself relaxing, but she could see that Nia was on edge.

She kept looking at her phone. Anna wanted to reassure her, to say that Cara would be fine, but what did she know about how it felt?

This separated them, she realised. It put them on either side of something huge, something insurmountable.

And they might always be on either side of it, she thought. It might change them fundamentally.

‘So, are you happy?’ Anna asked. ‘I mean, with Jamie?’

‘Yes,’ Nia said, and Anna noticed that she didn’t pause, or qualify it in any way. ‘Jamie is a good thing in my life. Thank God it was him I got pregnant with.’

‘Could have been Charlie,’ Anna said.

‘Imagine. He’d probably have ditched us by now.’ Nia smiled. ‘What about you? Is there anyone?’

Anna shook her head. She’d thought dating was dating everywhere, but she’d found it hard to establish the rules in New York. Men loved her accent, like everyone said, but after a couple of dates they seemed to freak out, as if she might want to marry them to stay in the country.

‘Nothing to report,’ she said. ‘But it’s really okay. I love it there, I’m happy exploring.’

They both ate for a couple of minutes, and didn’t speak.

When they’d finished, the waiter cleared their plates and offered them the dessert menu, and Anna looked at Nia, ready to take her cue from her friend.

Nia looked uncomfortable, like she couldn’t quite settle in her chair and she didn’t know what to say or do about it.

‘Shall we just get the bill?’ Anna asked .

‘But you love dessert,’ Nia said.

‘I can pick up a Dairy Milk from the corner shop,’ Anna said, and Nia smiled gratefully.

‘I don’t remember how to do it,’ Nia said, on the short walk back to the flat.

She put her arm through Anna’s. ‘I don’t remember how to be a normal person, to go out for dinner or relax.

It’s not even that I miss her, you know.

I’m desperate for the time away, to feel like myself again.

But then when I get it, I can’t enjoy it.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong, letting her down somehow.

If she starts crying and won’t stop until she’s fed, I’m the only one who can help with that. ’

‘It’s early days,’ Anna said. ‘Just follow your instincts.’

She wondered whether that sounded trite. It was the best she could do.

Nia let them into the flat and they found Jamie and Cara asleep on the sofa, daughter lying on her father’s chest, her head to one side and her lips pursed.

‘They look pretty content, don’t they?’ Nia whispered.

‘They do.’

‘Shall we sit outside while we eat this?’ Nia asked, waving the bag of chocolate they’d bought on the way home.

They stepped into Nia’s small garden, sat on her garden chairs. And for half an hour, it was like it had always been. The miles swallowed up, Nia’s baby asleep. Nia had relaxed, now that she was back home and ready to take care of her daughter. She seemed like the old Nia again.

‘How’s that hot boss of yours?’ she asked.

Anna groaned. ‘So hot. And, you know, my boss. So I have to pretend he isn’t. Hot, I mean.’

‘Isn’t that always the way?’

‘Yes,’ Anna said. ‘Isn’t it?’