Page 4 of The Life She Could Have Lived

YES

Anna looked up at the clock that hung on the wall.

Ten more minutes, and she could leave. All she wanted to do was go home, take off her bra, put her comfiest pair of pyjamas on and eat an easy dinner in front of the TV.

But Edward had messaged her a few hours ago to say he’d booked a table at their favourite Greek restaurant.

At least it was a five-minute walk from home.

‘Anna?’

She looked up and saw that Ellie had approached her desk.

She and Ellie had started as publicists just over a year before, and because of that, Anna always felt like she was in competition with Ellie when it came to any kind of progression.

She looked down at her own protruding belly and thought, not for the first time, that Ellie had won, simply by not being pregnant.

‘Hey, Ellie.’

‘Anna, I need help.’ She was shifting her weight from one foot to the other, and her face was all panic.

‘I was supposed to send out two hundred proofs for Wings of a Dove yesterday, and I got my dates mixed up, and I need to do them before I go home tonight and preferably without Deborah noticing. Any chance you could give me a hand?’

Anna agreed but she couldn’t hide her irritation. ‘Okay, but let’s get on with it. I need to leave in half an hour.’

When they were done, Anna went to the toilets and sprayed on fresh deodorant, retouched her makeup and brushed her hair. It would have to do.

She was about to disappear into the Tube station when her phone rang. Nia.

‘Anna, I’m sorry, I know it’s your anniversary. Are you out somewhere?’

‘I’m on my way to dinner, but it’s okay. Are you all right?’ Nia sounded like she was out of breath.

‘It’s Charlie. He came to my office and tried to follow me home. I ducked into a pub and I’m just waiting for him to leave.’

‘What?’ Anna was on her feet. ‘Where are you? I’ll come.’

‘But what about your dinner?’

‘It’s fine. Edward will understand.’

As she said it, Anna wondered whether that was true. Nia gave her an address, and Anna said she’d be there as soon as she could. While she walked, she called Edward.

‘Hey, I just came out of the Tube. Where are you?’

Anna hesitated. ‘I’m so sorry, Edward. Nia just called and she needs me.’

‘Needs you for what?’ His voice was light, like he was on the edge of laughter.

‘You know her mad ex, Charlie? He’s following her. She’s hiding in a pub.’

Edward snorted. ‘Convenient.’

‘Look, I’m sorry, okay, but I need to go and make sure she’s all right. ’

There was a sigh. ‘I’ll cancel the booking and see you back at home.’

‘You’re the best, you know that? I’ll see you in a while.’

As Anna approached the pub, she saw Charlie pacing up and down outside. She slipped past him and in through the double doors.

Nia was sitting at the bar on a high stool with a glass of red in her hand. She had her head leaned in close to the barman and when he finished speaking, she threw it back in laughter.

‘Nia! You said you were cowering in the pub waiting for Charlie to leave!’

‘Well, I might as well have a drink while I’m waiting.’ She held out her hand. ‘Look, shaking. Is he still out there?’

‘Yes.’

‘I’m so sorry about your anniversary dinner.’

‘Yeah, whatever. Get me a drink, will you?’

‘Are you still off the booze?’

‘Yes,’ Anna said, sighing. ‘I’m pregnant. That’s how it works. You stay off the booze until the baby arrives.’

‘Another one of these,’ Nia said to the barman. ‘And a lime and soda for my friend here.’ She turned to Anna. ‘This is Josh, by the way.’ She put particular emphasis on his name.

Anna rolled her eyes. ‘Nia,’ she said, in a low voice, ‘I’m married and having a baby. When are you going to stop trying to find my perfect man?’

Nia shrugged. ‘Just letting you know, that’s all.’

‘So, about Charlie. Do you think he’s an actual threat?’

Nia looked grim and downed the rest of her drink. ‘I don’t know, Anna. I mean, he’s here, outside. He’s been here for about an hour now. And I couldn’t have made it any clearer, could I? It’s been over for months.’

‘We’ll face him, together, if he’s still there when we’ve finished these,’ Anna said. ‘And then I need to get home and give my husband his anniversary present.’

‘Is it some form of sex?’ Nia asked.

‘No, it’s a bread maker. Don’t look at me like that. He really wanted one.’

‘First a baby, now a bread maker. I feel like I hardly know you these days.’

Anna felt sure that Charlie wouldn’t still be there when they got up to leave, but she was wrong.

He was standing in the shadows, and Anna could see that there was no way to get past without him seeing them.

But it seemed that slipping out wasn’t Nia’s plan, anyway.

A couple of glasses of wine had emboldened her, and she called out to him.

‘What the hell are you doing, Charlie?’

‘Nia.’ He stepped forward and put his hands on the top of her arms, and Anna didn’t like it, the way it held her friend in place. ‘I just want to talk to you.’

‘Then call me on the fucking phone, don’t wait for me on the street like a stalker!’

Charlie looked like he might cry. He turned to Anna. ‘Anna, I don’t know why she’s being like this. We were good together.’

‘Take your hands off her,’ Anna said.

Charlie dropped his hands to his sides. He looked like a little boy.

‘She doesn’t want you,’ Anna said, stepping a little closer to him. ‘Just accept that.’

It was enough, to make him give up. He turned away, looking back once. Anna and Nia stood shoulder to shoulder, making sure he really left.

‘He was always scared of you,’ Nia said, once he had turned a corner.

‘Scared? Of me? ’

‘Well, maybe not scared exactly. But intimidated. He said we were the loves of each other’s lives.’

‘And what did you say?’

‘I said my name didn’t begin with a J and declined to explain.’

They walked to the Tube arm in arm, and on the journey, Nia rested her head on Anna’s shoulder.

‘Will I see you this weekend?’ Nia asked. They were standing on the corner where she went one way and Anna went the other.

‘I can do Sunday,’ Anna said.

‘I’ll buy ice cream and crisps and we can watch Sex and the City .’

‘Perfect.’

Anna was starving, she realised as she opened the door to their flat. She found Edward in the living room, lying on the sofa, his eyes on the TV.

‘How’s Nia?’

‘She’s okay. Did you eat?’

‘I got takeaway. Yours is in the kitchen.’

Anna kneeled down and kissed him. ‘Thank you,’ she said.

He sat up and pulled her onto the sofa, put a hand on her small bump. Whenever he did that, Anna felt a rush of excitement about how their lives were changing. She never forgot for long, but whenever she did, the realisation was like a jolt. Anna yawned.

‘You stay here, I’ll get your food.’

While she ate, he told her things. About his day, his work.

‘Rav was in today, and guess what he told me?’

‘What?’

‘Him and Eleanor are having a baby too. Just a few weeks after us.’

When she’d finished eating, Edward went over to the stereo and put a CD on.

Anna heard the opening bars of the song they’d danced to at their wedding.

‘ Something Changed ’. She’d chosen it. It had come out a few years before they got together and she’d always loved the message of it, about the tiny decisions that took your life off in one direction or another.

How every encounter with someone you end up loving could have never happened at all.

‘Dance with me?’ Edward asked.

Anna held out her hands and let him pull her up off the sofa. He held her close and she felt his pulse in his neck, kissed him there. He was warm and he smelled incredible and the steady beat of his heart was reassuring, the ultimate comfort.

It wasn’t until later, when they were in bed and chatting, that he asked her about when she was planning to finish work.

‘Go on maternity, you mean?’

Edward shrugged. ‘I mean, yeah, I guess so. Although I thought you might just give it up, once the baby is here.’

Anna was shocked. She hadn’t once considered leaving her job to be a stay-at-home mum.

‘I mean,’ Edward went on, ‘I earn enough to cover the mortgage and bills and all that, so why not? You could stay at home and it would save us having to face the childcare nightmare.’

Why not? Anna had a hundred reasons. But they all came down to this. She didn’t want to.

‘I don’t think that’s the kind of mum I’m going to be,’ she said. ‘I like my job, I want to progress, to keep learning. I don’t want to be at home all the time.’

Edward looked a bit pained, the way he did when things didn’t quite go his way. ‘Well, there’s plenty of time to think about it, I guess. Just, keep an open mind about it, okay? We don’t need to close off any options just yet.’

Anna mumbled an agreement because she didn’t know how to voice what she was feeling.

Like she’d been backed into a corner, somehow.

Edward was asleep within minutes, his breathing slow and steady, but Anna lay on her side for a long time, going back over the conversation, imagining relaying it to Nia.

It was over an hour before she felt calm and settled enough to sleep.