Page 14 of The Life She Could Have Lived

YES

Anna stood in the doorway, surveying the damage.

‘I made Sam into a snowman,’ Thomas said earnestly.

Sam was covered in Sudocrem from head to toe.

He was dressed in just a nappy, and Anna wondered briefly where his clothes were but then reminded herself that that was really the least of her concerns.

Thomas was covered in patches of the stuff, too.

He looked like a painter who’d got carried away.

It was on his cheek, his top, in his hair.

A quick glance around the room confirmed that the worst of it was confined to the two boys.

She couldn’t see any Sudocrem on the walls or the furniture or the carpet.

That was something. She reached out and picked Sam up, holding him at arm’s length and carrying him into the bathroom.

‘Come on, Thomas,’ she said, ‘let’s have a bath.’

‘But it’s still the morning,’ Thomas said.

He was a stickler for rules and routines.

If only she’d made it a rule not to cover his brother in Sudocrem, he probably wouldn’t have done it.

But how could she possibly pre-empt all the ridiculous things they might do when her back was turned?

She’d only left them for about five minutes.

It was quite impressive, when you thought about it.

‘It is still the morning,’ she said, ‘but you two need a wash, don’t you?’

Sam started to cry, then. He was sitting on the bathmat and he’d wiped his arm across his face and must have got some of it in his mouth.

Plus, it was nearly time for a feed. Anna felt exhausted.

How many times had she been up in the night?

Three? Thomas had been sleeping better at this stage, she was sure.

But then, she couldn’t really remember. How were you supposed to remember every little thing when you hadn’t slept properly for months or years?

She sat down on the lid of the toilet and put her head in her hands for a minute.

She would bath them, and then she would feed Sam, and then she would drink a lot of water and it would help her stay awake.

A thought flashed up: this would be easier if Edward was here.

It was a thought she had a lot. More and more.

And through the fog of tiredness, it was hard to tell whether it added up to wanting him to be here.

Since the revelation about Fran, he’d been living with a friend.

He hated it, and never wasted an opportunity to let her know that.

He was meticulous about his time with the boys and she was pretty sure nothing further had happened with Fran, or with any other woman.

Some days she was ready to take him back, and others she just wasn’t, quite.

Being a single mum, though, was so different to what she’d planned.

She supposed it was that way for everyone.

Very few people set out to do it alone. Occasionally, she felt like perhaps that was why she’d felt so worried when she’d first found out she was pregnant with Sam.

Like somehow her body and brain had known that she wasn’t only going to be stepping up from one child to two, but that she was simultaneously going to be going from two parents to one.

‘Mummy?’ Thomas asked.

She looked at him, at his soulful brown eyes which looked full to the brim of sadness.

‘Yes, Thomas?’

‘I shouldn’t have turned Sam into a snowman, should I?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘You shouldn’t.’

He looked like he might start to cry and she pulled him into her body. ‘But it’s okay, because it will come off. Don’t be sad, come on. Clothes off.’

Sam was still wailing, and as much as Anna tried to block it out, it tugged at her.

Thomas lifted his arms and she pulled his top over his head.

She thought of him as being so grown up now that she had Sam, but when he was in his vest and pants she was reminded of how little he still was.

Sometimes she wanted to hold him tight and not let go, and other times she wanted to leave them both and run from the house as far and as fast as possible.

The bath took forever, because the Sudocrem was reluctant to wash off, but once they were finally clean and dressed, and she’d fed Sam and given Thomas some biscuits, they went to the park.

Anna had learned that, hard as it was sometimes to go out with the two of them, she always felt better when they had.

When they arrived, Thomas ran over to the climbing frame and Anna freed Sam from the buggy and sat him in a baby swing, gave him a little push.

Five minutes later, she heard her name being called and turned to see Steve with his little boy.

Luke was holding the soft toy rabbit he carried everywhere by one ear.

He’d spotted Thomas and raced to join him, and Anna knew that they would be caught up for ages, pretending they were pirates or fire fighters.

She raised her hand in greeting and Steve walked over to join her.

She felt the gentle clenching and unclenching she always felt in her stomach when she saw him. She was used to it by now.

‘No Theresa?’ she asked.

It was as much to remind herself that Steve was married as anything else.

‘She’s working. Big case. She thinks she’ll be in the office until about eight. So it’s just like any other day, for me.’ He laughed, but Anna thought she sensed some bitterness in it. Theresa’s hours were long, and Steve had said before that sometimes he felt like a single parent.

‘Well, we had a great start to the morning,’ Anna said, to change the subject. ‘It involved half a tub of Sudocrem and an unplanned bath.’

‘Oh, been there. But only with one, so I take my hat off to you.’

Sam started to fuss and wriggle, so Anna lifted him out of the swing.

‘I’ve got a blanket under the buggy,’ she said, gesturing.

Steve fetched it and laid it out on the grass, and the three of them sat down. Anna took a few toys out of her changing bag and handed them to Sam. Straight away, he put a plastic ring in his mouth and tried to bite it.

‘Teeth?’ Steve asked.

‘I think so. Awful night. How long does it last? Do you remember?’

‘About twenty years,’ Steve said, smiling.

Steve looked at her, and his eyes were sad. ‘I miss it sometimes, the baby years.’ They both looked over at the two older boys and Anna waited for him to go on. ‘I always thought we’d have another but it’s looking less and less likely. ’

‘Oh?’

Anna had wondered about this often. When she’d first known Steve, he’d always talked as if he thought Luke was the first of possibly many children, and then, sometime before she’d had Sam, he’d just stopped.

‘Things are… shaky. With Theresa.’

‘Oh.’ Anna hadn’t expected that. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said.

‘Yeah, well. It is what it is.’

Anna felt like something had shifted between them, like she was scared to breathe, almost, in case it shifted back.

‘Do you think it’s salvageable?’

‘I don’t know. I’m not even sure I want it to be.

Before we had Luke, we used to stay up all night talking or decide on a whim to book flights to, I don’t know, Switzerland.

But now it’s like we don’t even have anything left to say to each other.

I feel like I have more meaningful conversations with you than I do with her… ’

Anna looked at Steve as he rubbed his jaw.

He didn’t meet her eye. The draw she felt to him was physical, she knew that.

But it had deepened the longer she’d known him.

He was so different to Edward that he provided a glimpse of another life.

Some days, she really wanted to know more about what that life might be like.

With Edward, it had been fun, mostly. Shared jokes and lazy weekends and comfort.

She had felt like she was in the right place, until she hadn’t.

Steve’s life looked more chaotic, less steady.

Somehow, despite being an at-home parent like her, he made life feel like an adventure.

He was always doing last-minute camping trips with Luke or being invited to glamorous events by his rich clients.

And Anna wouldn’t mind a bit of adventure, now and again.

If she were with Steve, would another side to her come out? A more impulsive, slightly messier side? How much of who she was, was tied to who she was with? Anna wanted to believe that her personality was strong; that her essence was rigid. But how could you know, really, without testing it out?

Anna felt like she needed to say something, to steer them back. ‘Do you want a coffee?’ she asked, jerking her head to indicate the café across the road.

‘Yep, that would be good. I’ll keep an eye on Sam.’

Sam was one of those babies who would go to anyone, so Anna headed off without worrying about leaving him.

And all the time she was crossing the road, queueing up, giving her order, she was thinking about what Steve had said.

That things were rocky, that he didn’t know whether he wanted to salvage them.

When she got back, she handed a cardboard cup to Steve and sat down.

‘Sam okay?’ she asked.

‘Well, he got into a bit of trouble with a gang but I set him back on the straight and narrow.’

‘And the other two?’

‘Over there.’ Steve pointed, and Anna saw that Thomas and Luke were still lost in a world of make-believe. But then, as if they’d known they were being talked about, the two boys thundered over and said they were hungry.

‘You’ve had your morning snack. I haven’t brought anything with me,’ Steve said.

Thomas looked at Anna pleadingly, knowing she always had something stashed in the changing bag.

‘It’s too close to lunch,’ she said. She looked at Steve. ‘What are your plans?’

Steve shrugged. ‘Cheese sandwich?’

‘Do you fancy heading back to ours? I mean, it’ll be one of those whatever’s-in-the-fridge lunches. I think we’ve got some ham and cheese, carrot sticks, bread… ’

Thomas and Luke gave a little cheer, and Anna smiled.

‘That would be great,’ Steve said.