Page 22 of The Life She Could Have Lived

YES

Anna remembered it was their anniversary the moment she woke up.

She had a card, written and waiting in her bedside drawer.

They’d stopped giving each other presents at some point.

She couldn’t quite remember when. They still did birthdays and Christmases but they’d stopped buying presents for their anniversary and Valentine’s.

She didn’t mind. She liked to mark the day with a card, though, because she thought it was important to look back over the years and assess.

They’d been married for nine years, together for about thirteen.

It was something, she felt. It meant something.

She went into the bathroom for a shower before Edward was awake, and when she emerged, the boys were fighting in her bed and Edward was shouting at them to go and get dressed.

‘Morning,’ she said, and Edward looked over at her, and she tried to guess whether he’d remembered or not .

‘Mummy,’ Sam said.

‘Yes, baby?’

‘You look beautiful.’

Anna laughed. She was wrapped in a towel, her hair dripping onto her shoulders, unbrushed. ‘Thank you, my angel,’ she said, leaning over the bed and kissing him on the top of his head.

‘Happy anniversary,’ Edward said, just as she’d started to believe he wouldn’t.

When she turned her attention to him, he was holding out a thick white envelope. The card inside was simple, elegant. Two hearts, a plain white background. Inside, he’d written:

Thank you for everything, Anna. For loving me, for our boys, for our lives together. There’s nothing else I want.

She felt close to tears, and he saw that when she looked at him and mouthed a thank you, and he got out of bed and put his arms around her, his warm body against her damp, towel-covered one.

How long had it been since they’d held one another like this?

There never seemed to be time, to just be still, and to comfort each other with their bodies.

Anna resolved to start going to bed earlier, to start making more of an effort.

There was always so much to be done, swimming badges to be sewn onto uniforms, shopping lists to be made, clean clothes to be folded and put away.

But this, this closeness, it was important too.

Half an hour later, they were all dressed and Edward had gone, saying he would pick up breakfast on his way into the office. Anna and the boys were sitting at the table, eating Rice Krispies.

‘When is it too?’ Sam asked .

Anna looked at him. So often, he had questions she didn’t understand. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I know when it’s Monday and Tuesday but when is it too?’

Anna was at a loss. She looked at Thomas. Sometimes he understood his brother in a way that she couldn’t. He shrugged his shoulders, and Anna could see that he was close to laughing.

If he laughed, Sam would cry. Anna knew this from bitter experience. He needed to feel taken seriously, listened to.

‘Can you try to explain it a bit more?’ Anna asked.

Sam burst into song. ‘Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday too.’ He paused. ‘We sing it at nursery. Is there a day called too?’

Anna smiled but didn’t allow herself to laugh, but Thomas erupted into fits of giggles and Sam frowned at him, looked almost ready to tip over into tears of frustration.

‘No, baby,’ Anna said, tapping him on the nose.

He had a Rice Krispie stuck to his cheek and she had no idea how he’d managed it, how he always managed it.

There was milk spilled on his place mat.

On Thomas’s too. ‘Too means as well. Like, I might say we were all going on a walk, me, you, Thomas and Daddy too.’

‘Oh!’ Sam looked delighted with his new nugget of knowledge. ‘Daddy too!’

Anna knew he would use this word endlessly now. She glanced at her watch. They needed to leave in ten minutes.

‘Can I take something in for show and tell?’ Thomas asked, breaking into her thoughts.

‘Yes, what do you want to take?’

‘That dinosaur we made out of a milk bottle.’

Anna wanted to protest – she was terrible at craft and she was embarrassed for anyone to see the mess they’d made, but then she realised it was ridiculous.

Thomas had loved making it, and he wanted to show it to his friends.

Who was she to stand in his way just because she thought it looked more like a camel with a broken neck than a stegosaurus?

‘Of course,’ she said.

‘And can I take something?’ Sam asked.

‘You’re not going to nursery today,’ Anna said. ‘It’s a mummy day.’

She waited for Thomas to protest that it wasn’t fair, that he didn’t get a day at home with her.

She always explained, as patiently as she could, that he’d had his time with her before school, and now it was Sam’s turn, but Thomas didn’t say anything.

Perhaps he was growing up. Perhaps he was beginning to understand things, to accept them.

Or perhaps a day at home with her didn’t have the same appeal as it once had.

He picked up his bowl and put it down by the dishwasher without her having to ask.

One day, she realised, they would both do this.

One day not so far in the future, she wouldn’t have to remind them to do things like brush their teeth and put their shoes on.

She had longed for these things, but somehow, there was a sadness to realising they were getting there. That Thomas had less need of her.

When they’d dropped Thomas off at school, the dinosaur handed over to the teacher in a carrier bag, Anna took hold of Sam’s hand.

She could see Steve out of the corner of her eye, and she wanted him to call out to her, and she didn’t, too.

Sometimes, they chatted for a bit before going off in different directions.

She didn’t like to admit how much of a difference it made to her, the days they did that.

She walked slowly, one hand in Sam’s, hoping Steve would appear at her side.

‘Do you want to go to playgroup?’ she asked Sam.

Sam shrugged. ‘Not really. ’

He could be an easy child, at times. A handful at others. She’d heard friends say that second children just slotted in, which was exactly what Sam had done, but she’d also heard they could be more naughty, more adventurous, more to handle. Which was also true.

‘Hey, Anna.’

Anna turned to see Steve dodging through the crowd to get to her.

‘Hi,’ she said when he reached her. She bent down and picked Sam up, and then she wasn’t sure why she’d done that.

‘How are things?’ Steve asked.

‘Not bad,’ Anna said. ‘Sam and I were just trying to decide whether to go to playgroup.’

‘Not playgroup,’ Sam said, and Steve laughed.

‘Well, sounds like that decision’s been made, then,’ Anna said.

‘Listen,’ Steve said. ‘Do you have time for a coffee?’

This was new. Since that time in the coffee shop when he’d made his feelings clear, things had changed between them. They had the odd five-minute chat at the school gate, yes, but they didn’t go for coffee. Not any more.

‘Sure. Do you want to come back to mine? Sam can play, then.’

Steve nodded, his jaw set. And Anna slid Sam down off her hip and they fell into step for the familiar walk home.

Anna had no intention of telling Steve what had happened the previous week, but as they sat there on the sofa, Sam colouring on the floor, she found the words tumbling out.

‘I had a… a miscarriage,’ she said quietly .

‘Shit,’ he whispered. ‘I had no idea you were… I mean, I thought you’d said you weren’t going to have another one.’

‘It’s complicated,’ she said, and then she felt like a teenager. ‘Edward wants more, at least one more. I don’t. And then, I don’t know, I fell pregnant by accident, back in April.’

Steve was nodding, leaning in. Both of them were talking in low voices, but Sam wasn’t listening. He was in his own world, scribbling and making patterns with coloured pencils, trying to do the things he’d seen his brother do.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Steve said, even though it was clear that the story was far from over.

‘About what? The pregnancy, or the miscarriage?’ Anna asked. She laughed, and then it turned into a sob, and she was crying hard, and Steve was putting his arms around her.

‘All of it,’ he whispered into her hair.

They didn’t say anything for a few moments, and Anna eventually stood and went through to the bathroom to sort herself out.

When she returned, Steve was sitting a little closer to Sam, asking him questions about his picture.

He looked up and gave Anna a smile that was easy to read, despite the message being complicated.

The smile meant ‘I’m sorry you’re upset, and I wish I could comfort you, but I don’t know quite where I stand’.

‘Does anyone else know?’ he asked, once she’d sat down again.

‘Just Nia.’

‘And are you talking to her much?’

‘Yes, almost daily.’

‘Good. I’m glad you have someone. And what about Edward?’

‘He’s just so disappointed. And I feel like we can’t connect properly because he knows it wasn’t really what I wanted. But we’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. ’

She looked at Steve and he looked back at her, his eyes clear. She thought for a moment that he was going to lean in and kiss her, and she knew she would have to stop it, if he did. She knew, too, that it would be hard.

‘Anyway,’ she said. ‘Was there something you wanted to talk about?’

Steve looked a little pained. ‘I just wanted to let you know that we’ve decided to move Luke to a different school after the summer holidays.’

Anna wasn’t expecting that. A different school. No more meetings at the gate. Would she run into him at all?

‘Why?’

‘Theresa’s moving to Tooting. We couldn’t afford the Clapham place any more and she’s found somewhere she likes, but with both of us there, it just makes sense for him to go to a school nearby.’

Anna nodded. It did make sense.

‘So…’ Steve trailed off, and Anna wondered whether he hadn’t been able to say what he wanted to, or whether he hadn’t known what to say at all.

‘All change,’ Anna said.

There was a beat of silence before Steve spoke again.

‘Do you ever wish that we’d met before?’ he asked.

Anna took a deep breath. She looked at Sam’s whorl of hair, at his scribbling fingers.

‘I know, I know,’ Steve said, before she could speak. ‘It’s impossible. We wouldn’t have our boys. And you’re still in your marriage. I shouldn’t have asked; it isn’t fair.’

Sam looked up, then. ‘Mummy, can I have a drink?’

Anna went through to the kitchen to get a cup of squash, flicked the kettle on to make tea for her and Steve, and thought about what he’d said.

There was something between her and Steve that she’d never have with Edward.

She’d come to accept that. He seemed to understand her in a way that Edward didn’t, knew what she needed and when.

If she let herself think about it, she imagined that would translate into a very good relationship.

And if she’d met him first, like he’d said, things could be very different.

But she hadn’t. She’d met Edward, and he might not be perfect for her, but he was a good man.

Suddenly, she hoped Steve wouldn’t stay too much longer.

She felt like she was on dangerous ground.

She took the drinks through and tried to change the subject to something less loaded.

‘How are things with Theresa?’ She passed him a mug of tea, put Sam’s squash on the coffee table.

Steve pulled a pained face. ‘I mean, they’re probably as good as they can be.

We don’t dislike each other. And we’re united when it comes to Luke.

You hear about people fighting over their kids but it just makes sense to us that we both want to be with him and we need to keep communicating to get it right. ’

‘So no animosity?’ Anna asked. It hadn’t been like that with Edward, when they’d had that time apart and it had seemed, for a while, like it might be over. It had been wall-to-wall animosity, until Edward realised that he was never going to win her back like that.

‘Not really. She’s met someone else, and he seems like a nice guy. He seems like a better fit for her than I was.’

‘Is there no jealousy?’ Anna was surprised. Even if you knew the relationship was dead, she felt sure it would be strange to see the person you’d married and had a child with start up with someone else, especially if you were still single.

‘I mean, it’s strange, don’t get me wrong.

Luke keeps asking when I’m going to move back in and why Mummy’s friend is around all the time.

And I wish we could have held it together, for him.

I mean, we could have done. But neither of us was happy, and I think he would have started to sense that.

But no jealousy, no. If he makes her happy, that’s all right with me. ’

Steve stood up and took the mugs back to the kitchen. She liked that he did little things like that, in her home.

‘Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, about the miscarriage,’ he said. ‘If you ever want to talk about it…’

‘Thank you,’ she said. Had it been a betrayal of Edward, talking to him about this? When she’d brought it up, it had felt as if she couldn’t keep it in. But now, she thought perhaps she shouldn’t have.

‘I should go,’ he said.

Anna nodded, relieved.

‘Feel whatever you need to,’ he said. ‘Grief, rage, relief, it’s all okay. It’s all part of the process. Keep talking to Nia. And me, if you want to. I’d like to be there for you.’

Anna felt a single tear track down her cheek, because she knew he meant what he said, and she also knew she’d never take him up on it. Steve brushed the tear away with his thumb. And that touch, it was exactly what she needed.

‘Will you be okay?’ he asked.

‘Yes.’ She believed that. She would be okay, in time. ‘Thank you,’ she said again.

Steve shook his head. He bent down to ruffle Sam’s hair. ‘See you soon, Sam.’

Sam barely looked up. He was in the world of his drawings, which looked like scribbles to Anna, but which she knew from previous conversations contained monsters and castles and dragons.

In the hallway, Anna opened the door and saw that it was raining lightly.

‘Do you have an umbrella?’ she asked.

‘No. But I’ll be fine. ’

She thought of a thing Edward always said when she asked if he had an umbrella. He always said he’d rather get wet and be able to see the sky. And maybe that was what it all came down to. Compromise. Having one thing but losing another.

‘Bye, Steve,’ she said.

And he kissed her cheek and was gone. It felt like an ending.