Page 24 of The Life She Could Have Lived

‘Yes, just having lunch with clients. I’d better get back to them, actually.

But do you fancy grabbing dinner later?’ He pulled a business card from his pocket and handed it to her.

‘No problem if you want it to be just girls. Just text me and let me know, okay? I know Nia would love it if I came home with all your news.’

And then he was gone, and Anna and Sarah were making their way out into the bright sunshine, and Sarah was giving Anna a funny look.

‘That was weird, right?’ Anna asked.

‘So weird.’ There was something in Sarah’s voice that Anna hadn’t heard before. Something sharp and jagged. It was something Anna didn’t want to look too closely into.

Sarah pulled a map from her bag and began to direct them. They were heading for the Freedom Trail. Other than discussing their route, they didn’t talk. It was over an hour before Sarah brought Jamie up again.

‘So this Jamie, how well do you know him? I mean, he’s your best friend’s guy, right, but didn’t they get together after you moved out here?’

‘Yes,’ Anna said. ‘I’ve only met him properly twice, on visits home. First when Cara was born, and then last Christmas. But I stayed with them both of those times, so when I say I’ve only met him twice, it’s kind of more than that.’

‘There’s something between you,’ Sarah said.

It was a statement, not a question. Anna stopped walking. She felt a flush spreading up from her neck. And she was angry, too. ‘What the hell do you mean?’

Sarah had stopped walking too. ‘I don’t mean anything has happened. But there’s something. It’s like electricity.’

Anna felt like turning around and disappearing into a crowd. Like hiding away.

‘Nothing’s happened,’ she said instead. ‘Of course nothing’s happened. What kind of person do you think I am?’

Sarah reached out and put her hands at the top of Anna’s arms, which were folded across her chest. ‘I didn’t mean you’d done anything wrong, or that you ever would. I know what kind of friend you are. I just felt it, between you.’

Anna thought about what Sarah was saying.

For all those years, she’d thought about James, hoped to see him again.

And when she had, when she’d realised that he was Nia’s, she’d had to make a big adjustment.

But she thought she’d done okay. So what was this that Sarah could sense between them?

Another thought crept in. Perhaps, if there was anything real between her and David, Sarah would have been able to sense that too.

‘Do you remember me telling you about that date I went on with that guy, years ago?’

‘The one who never called?’

‘Yes.’

Anna waited for Sarah to put the pieces together, knowing she would.

‘That was him?’ Sarah asked. ‘And by the time you realised, him and Nia had a baby together?’

Anna nodded .

‘God, Anna, why didn’t you say something? Are you okay?’

They were standing near a bench, and Sarah gestured for Anna to sit down. She sat heavily, relieved that this piece of information was finally out in the open. That one other person knew. It had been heavy to carry alone.

‘I’m fine,’ she said, in the end. ‘I just, I put too much expectation on it. It was just a date. And years have passed and he’s with Nia, and that’s that.’

‘I get it,’ Sarah said, ‘but that’s a hard thing to deal with.’

Again, Anna wanted to tell Sarah everything about David. To let it out and ease some of the tension she felt in her body. But she could only deal with one thing at a time.

‘I have to go for dinner with him,’ Anna said. ‘I’d hate for him to go home and tell Nia he ran into me and then I blanked him.’

‘Do you want me to come with you?’ Sarah asked.

‘No, I need to do it on my own. Is that okay?’

‘Of course,’ Sarah said. She put an arm around Anna and pulled her closer, and they sat there like that for a few minutes, Sarah’s chin resting on Anna’s head.

A few hours later, Anna was sitting across from Jamie with an untouched rice dish in front of her. She couldn’t help but compare it to the last time they’d eaten together, all those years before. Jamie had had pizza, she remembered. She’d had salmon.

‘Look,’ Jamie said, after they’d caught up on all the basics. ‘This is weird, but I feel like I have to bring it up and I’m never going to get a better chance.’

Anna felt her stomach twist .

‘After your last visit, Nia talked about you, about this thing you have going on with Sarah, about your ex-husband. And she talked about this guy you went out with once, how you always hold him up as the one you should be with. And it seemed like…’

‘It’s stupid,’ Anna said, feeling her cheeks burn.

‘No, it’s not stupid,’ Jamie said. ‘I just, I didn’t realise I meant something to you, not like that.

I didn’t know it was something you’d held on to.

And of course, Nia doesn’t know. So she was talking about how we should launch some big campaign to find this guy.

She wanted to get that friend she has in radio involved… ’

Anna burst out laughing. What else could she do? Jamie laughed too then, and it took some of the embarrassment away.

‘What did you tell her?’ Anna asked.

‘I said that maybe we should leave your love life to you. She was in a mood about it for days.’

‘I’m not in love with you,’ Anna said.

It was true. She had been, once. Or at least, she’d been in love with the idea of him. But now there was David, and he was real and solid and when he touched her, she felt entirely alive, and also like she might die.

‘I know,’ Jamie said, and there was a genuine kindness in his voice. ‘I know you’re not, Anna. But I just wanted to apologise, again, for not calling, for being twenty-two and a bit of a shit.’

‘You said you lost my number!’

Jamie reddened slightly. ‘I did, I did lose your number. But even if I hadn’t, and I’d called, I would have ended up being a shit at some point. We were so young.’

It was the first time he’d suggested the idea of anything more happening between them, and it made Anna a little uncomfortable .

‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘Look, you’re with Nia, and she’s happy, and you have Cara. I’m so pleased about all of that. Honestly, you don’t need to apologise.’

‘Well, I think I did. But thanks for being so good about it.’ He pushed his plate to one side, finished. ‘Now, I hear you like dessert?’