Page 11 of The Cancer I Chose (BLP Signs of Love #4)

It had been a long time since the sun had risen, and I hadn’t been there to greet its first ray of sunshine for the day.

Still, today was the hardest day of the year and the day I dreaded the most, the day I stuffed all my grief and sadness into so that I didn’t suffocate year round.

On this day, I gave myself permission to break, to cry, and to mourn the parents I’d lost. My body trembled as I thought about how much I missed them.

I would never forget when the police officers came to the house to deliver the news.

I’d never known what shortness of breath was until that very moment when it felt like my heart was torn in half.

The world never quite glowed the same after that.

After rotting in bed for hours, I climbed from beneath my duvet and slid my feet into my slippers.

My favorite cozy blanket was snatched up and wrapped around my body like a protective cocoon.

I left my bedroom behind, only to shuffle into the hallway and stand there staring at the door to the primary suite.

This was the only day I found the strength to go inside.

I was so wrapped up in my grief that I hadn’t noticed Kai in the hallway until he spoke. “You good, Nuri Symone?”

My name on his lips sent a fireworks show of tears down my cheeks. I watched Kai’s face crumble at seeing me so torn up. For the first time, his eyes weren’t intense. They were soft and kind. I shook my head, even though the tears were a dead giveaway that I was far from good.

Silently, I shuffled forward. Each step was heavier than the one before it.

You couldn’t tell me that I wasn’t walking through a bath of cement.

My hand shook as I stuck it out to open their bedroom door.

I tucked my trembling bottom lip and twisted the knob before stepping inside.

One inhale of the stale stench inside sent me into a full breakdown.

Sobs escaped through my lips, and I fell to the floor, but when I looked up, Kai was there, holding me protectively in his arms. Right there, cradled in his arms, he pressed his forehead to mine.

We were so close I could feel his every exhale tickle my nose.

“I’m so sorry, Nuri,” he whispered.

My arms wrapped around him as I used his strength as an anchor to get me through the hurricane of turmoil I was being tossed from side to side in. That was the thing about being a Cancer. There was no escape when my emotions crashed into me like a tsunami.

“I got you.” It sounded like an affirmation, one of which I held on to for dear life.

I don’t know how long I stayed in his arms, falling apart while Kai let me.

He didn’t say much, but I could feel him mourning with me.

It was in the way he cradled my head to his body like a rare jewel, offering gentle kisses on my forehead that somehow felt heavier than the weight of my grief, because what did they mean?

The few times I was brave enough to look into his eyes, I saw a promise.

A promise to fall apart in the safety of his arms—to cry, scream, and beat his chest if need be.

I saw a promise to allow me to lean on his strength for as long as I needed to.

I hadn’t experienced someone willing to offer me that kind of support in a long time, which caused an even deeper ache within my bones.

Kai’s presence was awakening things in me that I was struggling to put back to sleep because I’d never known where they were hidden in my soul. He did that to me… my husband...

“I’m sorry for being a mess,” I whispered with a hoarse voice.

I had cried so long and hard that my eyes felt heavy and swollen, not to mention I hadn’t done a thing with my hair, so I could only imagine what I looked like.

Yet, when Kai looked down at me, I knew all he saw was beauty.

It was in the way he allowed his jaw to relax in the steady rise and fall of his solid chest, and the way he began to wipe away my tears.

Unsure of what to do with what I was feeling, I gripped his shirt in my hands, holding on to him for dear life, too afraid to let go and feel that loneliness creep in again.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Nuri. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.”

I shook my head before he could even finish getting the words out of his mouth. “I don’t want to be alone.”

He cupped my chin and offered me a cheeky smile that knocked the air from my lungs. I was so used to Kai looking serious that to see him with his walls down wrecked me. He was such a beautiful man. The world deserved to witness the fullness of his smile. At least, I did.

“You’re not alone.”

I nodded, allowing my eyes to drop to the floor. “Um, I have this tradition where I will watch old family films. It’s the only way I can remember my mother’s laugh or my father’s terrible dad jokes. When I’m watching the films, it takes me back to a happier time in my life.”

My shoulders dropped, remembering the distance between my brother and me.

Rylas used to come over and watch them with me.

I couldn’t even remember when I started watching them alone, but the boy from those videos was long gone.

Maybe if he’d never stopped watching them, he would remember the love he had for me and the way our parents raised us to work together and never to go against one another.

“What’s on your mind?” Kai questioned before standing up and extending his hand for me. I accepted it, and then he pulled me to my feet. He walked us over to the bench that sat at the foot of my parents’ bed. I folded my blanket around my body, sitting Indian style beside him.

After a beat of silence, I exhaled and let him inside my mind. “How distant I am from my brother. I never thought I would see the day he’d become my enemy. We were close when we were growing up. Being against each other doesn’t feel right.” I shook my head. “Nothing feels right.”

Kai rubbed small circles on my back. “Whatever distance is between y’all isn’t your fault. As your brother, he should be looking out for you and not himself. That’s not the boy your parents raised. Life has changed him, and you gotta accept that.”

I sniffled, knowing Kai was right. “I know, but it still hurts. He was the only family I really had left. My aunts, uncles, and cousins all live their own lives doing God knows what. They only call me if they need something. I literally have no one.”

One moment, my eyes were on the floor, and then the next, they were staring deeply into the fire in Kai’s eyes.

“You have me, Nuri Symone. I’m someone. If you want some brothers, you can have mine.

You can have my sisters, too. Anything you want, you can have from me, Nuri.

When I say I’m here for you, I’m not saying it for my health.

I’m saying it because I want you to know that our marriage may not be real, but my presence in your life is.

I’m here, baby girl, if you let me be. You gotta stop telling yourself you’re alone and have no one because that’s not your truth anymore. ”

The sincerity of Kai’s words came pummeling at me at lightning speed.

I gasped when they pierced my heart and streams of sunshine sprouted from the collision.

My palm went to my chest as I tried to erase the warmth from my bones, but I couldn’t.

Nothing could because Kai had meant every word he’d said.

I could see the genuine concern for my well-being swirling in his eyes, and somehow the room wasn’t as dark anymore.

“Can I watch the films with you?” he asked, hammering the final nail in the coffin.

Somehow, my body produced fresh tears that cascaded down my cheeks. I nodded with a smile. “Yes, please.”

Kai waited patiently while I went to get the films. When I returned, he had taken off his Crocs and was leaning against the headboard.

A grin appeared on his face when he saw me, causing me to walk more slowly.

I became mesmerized watching him squirm in bed like a little kid.

He patted the space beside him. I quickly turned on the TV and loaded the DVD player with my fifth-grade graduation ceremony because I wanted to be next to him.

With the remote in hand, I joined Kai on the bed. He positioned me in front of him so I could lean back on his chest, and he could anchor me in his arms. I used the remote to get the film playing. I beamed when my ten-year-old face appeared on the screen.

“Always been beautiful,” I heard Kai mumble behind me. I was glad that I was turned away from him, and he couldn’t see how hard that compliment had made me blush.

And that’s how we spent my parents’ anniversary.

.. me wrapped in Kai’s arms while he comforted me through my grief.

I was able to get a reminder of all the beautiful things I loved about my parents so that I could continue to keep their memories alive.

Watching the films made me glad that I’d chosen to marry Kai to protect my birthright.

This was where I was going to raise my family, so I knew more than ever that I couldn’t allow Rylas to take it from me.

“I’m sorry your parents were taken from you, Nuri. I can tell they loved you very much.”

I made the mistake of turning to look at him over my shoulder. There was this slack expression on his face as he kept steady eye contact with me.

“I can’t give you parental love, but I can offer you something to help you remember why you were so loved. You’re perfect, Nuri Symone.”

I wish I had that confession on video because I needed to hear it again…

maybe even every day for the rest of my life.

Kai’s deep voice had a way of erasing the existence of anything other than peace from the face of the earth.

It calmed me while creating this neediness within me that made my pussy leak.

I tucked my bottom lip and sighed. I ended up nodding softly to let him know I understood and somehow ended up with his lips glued to mine.

The kiss was soft and didn’t last long, but it was enough to remove any stress I was feeling.

The second kiss he placed on my forehead ruined me to the point that all I could do was turn around and sink deeper into his arms. I wasn’t sure what came next for Kai and me romantically, but after tonight, I knew he would have my back through it all, and maybe, just maybe, I would take his offer up on stealing his siblings.

I could use more positive relationships I could pour into, and vice versa.

After a while, my eyes grew heavy with sleep. I allowed them to drift closed without a second thought because nothing else existed when I was in Kai’s arms except a pillow of tranquility that had me drooling and softly snoring sooner than I intended to be.