Page 44 of Sweet Hate (If You Dare #1)

I reach up to rest my hand on his cheek. Even as he nuzzles into it and sighs, tension seeps back into his body. The silence draws out between us, but I don’t want to say anything to push him if he isn’t ready. I know this has to be on his terms no matter what happens.

I’m not in any rush to move anyway. I love being curled up in his arms right now, and the feel of his cum seeping into the crotch of my pants. I like the reminder that, for that moment, he was mine. That he has only ever spilled inside me like that.

His arms tighten further, pulling me closer as his hand moves under my tank and splays against my ribcage. His touch now soothing rather than electrically charged, entices me to drop my head to his shoulder and close my eyes.

He sucks in a breath and exhales before his quiet voice breaks the silence.

“A few weeks or so before you were due to leave, we found out Dad was sick. Really sick. The doctors told us he didn’t have long.”

My eyes fly open on a gasp. and I try to turn in his arms.

“What? He was already sick then? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Let me do this Sprinks, please. Let me get through this first part.” He sucks in a shaky breath. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you wouldn’t leave. You’d been counting the days until that internship for years. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was stopping you from fulfilling your destiny.”

He stops and kisses the top of my head.

“When I wasn’t with you, I sat with him.

We didn’t tell anyone, trying to come to terms with it as a family.

He wanted to get all his affairs in order to make sure Mom and I were going to be OK.

He wanted me to take over his handyman business, like he had done for his dad, and was trying to teach me the business side of it all, all while he was sick and deteriorating fast. I agreed to it all.

I knew a lot of the physical work from helping him for the last few years, and my college courses would deal with whatever I didn’t know.

But it was a lot. Mom was struggling and crying all the time, so I felt like I had to be strong for them. ”

Axel shifts us on the bike, moving me to sit on his thigh, and finally looks me in the eyes. The devastation I see there guts me, so much so that mine fill with tears. I hate seeing so much pain etched across his face.

“Truth is, that last month with you, Sprinks…you were my safe place. When we were together, I could pretend my entire world wasn’t going up in flames.

It was everything. You were everything. Then you left.

I was forced to face the world without you and the fact that I was also about to lose Dad too.

I’m not proud of myself.” He pauses, his head falling forward.

I stroke his cheek, trying in some small way to help him through this.

“I broke down. Locked myself away. Ignored everyone apart from Dad. Then…he left me too. I couldn’t talk to you.

I didn’t want you to find out and come back.

I made Grams swear not to tell you a single thing because it would derail everything you’d dreamed of since we were kids.

The only way I could let you live your dream was to stay silent.

I read every single message you sent, and not replying tore me up.

But I just couldn’t. I’d lied to you long enough. ”

I turn around and hug him tight, letting my tears flow freely down my cheeks, soaking his shirt. My mind an emotional whirlwind right now.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Sprinks. I never meant to break the most important relationship I had in my life. And when I saw you again, I wasn’t prepared for it. I had no idea you were back in town, so every emotion slammed back into me, and I just kept screwing things up, wanting to keep you away.”

I kiss his heart, stroking his chest. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for him. He loved his dad so much.

“Thank you for telling me Axel. I’m so sorry you went through all of that alone.

I really wish I’d known or that you’d reached out after.

It breaks my heart that I wasn't there for you. I can’t believe I left you at the worst possible time.

I should have been there.” I don’t bother hiding the tears streaming down my face when our eyes connect.

He looks so broken, so unlike the Axel he presents to the world.

“I wish I’d never gone to London.” I admit honestly, watching his eyes widen in alarm.

The crazy thing is I’m not even lying. I’m grateful for the opportunity, but he was always more important to me than anything else.

Had I known he was dealing with all of that alone, there isn’t a snowballs chance in hell I’d have gone.

“No way, please don’t say that. You going was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Look at you now. You’re a superstar, rubbing shoulders with celebrities, judging TV bake shows.

You were always meant for bigger things.

I never would have held you back here for me. Besides, didn’t you enjoy it?”

Judging TV bake shows? I did that one time, how does he know?

“London was amazing. I love the City, the people. And getting to train under my dad was the best, don’t get me wrong.

I don’t regret that because it built my confidence.

But there are sides of it I didn’t want or need.

I didn’t want to be a celebrity. That’s my dads dream.

I just love to bake, and I love to learn from the best and challenge myself to be better.

” His eyes don’t leave mine, listening intently to every word.

But I have to know how he knew about the TV show.

That wasn’t anything he would have stumbled on watching TV here.

“Sooooo, how do you know about Master Bakes? I only did that once.” His eyes widen, a sheepish expression crossing his face. “I might have overheard your Grams telling someone in the diner, so I looked it up on YouTube.”

“So, you were keeping tabs on me?” I flash him a cheeky smile to try and lighten the mood, my grin widening when he coughs, looking everywhere but at me.

“It’s a small town. People talk. Besides, I stopped listening once I heard you shacked up with that dickweed city boy.” Shit , have I just made it worse instead of distracting him.

Sighing I push his hair off his forehead, trailing my fingertips down his jaw drawing his eyes back to mine.

“That was a huge error in judgement on my part. I was lonely, and he was charming and friendly. But it taught me a lot about myself. Helped me to realize that I could survive, thrive even, on my own. When I found out he’d been cheating the whole time, I felt like such an idiot.

The signs had been there all along, but I’d been so blind, so desperate to have someone who cared about me. ”

So eager to replace you.

I would never admit it to Axel, but it’s true.

I was so shattered by his disappearance I felt lost for months.

Jason found me at my weakest. I’d just heard Axel had moved on with someone and it sent me over the edge.

I was ready to believe the pretty face, and charming words.

I don’t ever want to forget and leave myself open to that pain again.

“I hate that you got hurt, he’s thick as shit for not seeing what he had. Believe me, I know that firsthand, and I’m so sorry baby.”

He pulls me in for a hug, burying his face in my neck.

“I never wanted to lose you.” He mumbles it so quietly into my neck, I’m not entirely sure I’ve heard him right but my heart cracks wide open.

I feel like we’re dancing a fine line here, one that could end up leaving me with a broken heart all over again and that’s terrifying.

With all the emotions flying around tonight things are bound to be heightened, I need to remember that and not go throwing myself off a cliff without a parachute, just because it’s Axel.

“I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you. I’m sorry I didn’t even text when Mia told me he’d died a couple of months ago. I wanted to, but I didn’t know how.”

He sighs again before shaking his head and flashing me a grin, though it doesn't quite reach his eyes. I kiss his cheek and wrap my arms around him tightly. We sit like this for a while, silently cuddling lost in thought. I really wish I’d tried to contact him again later, instead of shutting him off in my mind.

“Way to kill the mood, huh?” his voice eventually rumbles through me drawing me out of my thoughts.

“Hey, don’t do that. You’ve not killed anything. Tonight has been perfect.”

I twine our fingers together and smile up at him. It really has. He gave me the most unforgettable orgasm, and the answers I’ve been wanting for years. I don’t regret a single second.

With my impeccable timing, my stomach picks that moment to growl.

“Shit. The pizza! You must be starving. Who forgets to feed his girl? I’m a total idiot. Let’s go get you fed.”