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But Nate had been in the accident, too, and he was still Jesse’s friend, even after three hard years. Jesse felt like he owed it to him to at least stop by the table and say hello.

So he took in a deep breath, made his way through the crowd, and stopped at Nate’s table. “Hey there,” he greeted, trying for a smile. “Didn’t expect to run into you here, though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. ”

“Jesse,” Nate blinked at him in mild surprise, before he lifted his glass and gulped down the rest of the beer he’d been nursing.

“No, not surprised at all. Not surprised at all. Uh…” He blinked again, looking tired and a touch unfocused as he stared down into his empty glass. “One sec, I need a refill.”

“Looks like you’ve already had a couple,” Jesse offered a strained chuckle, as he took a seat across from Nate. “Still that bad, yeah?”

“Wha’s bad?” Nate asked absently, as he held up a hand to get the attention of a passing waitress. “’Ey, can I get, uh… ’nother Miller Lite?”

“Make that two, please,” Jesse told her. He turned back to Nate as the waitress left for their drinks. “You here by yourself?”

Nate shook his head. “Jazmine’s here too,” he said. “But she’s…” he waved a hand dismissively towards the bathrooms. “Busy.”

“Ah, I see.” Jesse looked around the bar, feeling that same sense of tension again as neither he nor Nate said anything for a few moments.

The place was packed; some sports game was playing on the several televisions hanging in the corners of the room, and tons of people were there to watch, or just spending time together in groups, or even here on dates.

It was loud, and hot, and Jesse was already starting to feel sweaty and uncomfortable, as he remembered why he didn’t really care all that much for bars these days.

But still, it was better than being alone in his empty apartment, reflecting on where they’d all be if not for that one fateful evening three years ago from today.

Of course, he and Nate were still on the same path they’d been walking. Nate was a full-time nurse, and Jesse would become one after only one more year, when he got his Bachelor’s. But Austin…

If not for the crash, Austin would be three years into his own education, studying to be a doctor—and the three of them would all be friends.

Maybe that was the reason behind the tension.

Jesse should just leave .

But then the waitress brought their beers, and it felt like it would be rude to take off after only just arriving. So he stayed, taking a sip and staring off towards the television, to try and pretend like he cared about sports.

“You know…” Nate muttered as he frowned down into his new beer, some strands of his long blonde hair falling over his face. “You’re the last person I want to see right now.”

“You mean, because… of the accident?” Jesse set his own glass down, and swallowed. Was Nate saying that Jesse himself served as too painful a reminder?

“Tha’s… part of it, yeah,” Nate told him, raising his head to frown blearily at Jesse. “At work, today, there was a couple. Been in a crash, jus’ like we were. They were in a real bad way, Jess. An’ I had to help ’em.”

“I’m… really sorry to hear that,” Jesse told him. “I know that must’ve been hard, having to deal with something like that today of all days. Did everything turn out okay?”

“No, it didn’ turn out okay,” Nate sniffed, before taking a gulp of his beer.

He wiped his mouth as he set the glass down sharply on the table, and then shook his head.

“They’ll live, they’ll make it, but tha’ doesn’ make it okay.

It’ll never be okay again, yeah? It’ll… chase ’em, the rest of their lives. ”

“It’s still chasing you as well, isn’t it?” Jesse said quietly. “That’s why you don’t want to see me.”

“Damn right it’s chasing me!” Nate told him. “Because Austin won’ forgive me. No matter how much I ’pologize, no matter how hard I try’n make up for it, he jus’ won’ forgive me. He never will.”

That was a problem Jesse knew he couldn’t help with.

It was up to Austin to decide when or if he ever forgave Nate, and Jesse couldn’t make that decision for him—and he also couldn’t lie to Nate and pretend it would all just be ‘okay’ when it wasn’t. Life wasn’t that easy.

“I’m sorry,” he said instead, switching chairs to sit closer to Nate and putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know it’s hard, but… I mean, th ere’s still hope, yeah? Maybe Austin will come around. He probably just needs time.”

Nate snorted skeptically. “Time,” he repeated, as he raised his glass to his lips. “Been three years ago. How much more time does he need?”

“Well, it – it doesn’t work that way, Nate,” Jesse told him gently. “Nobody can tell anyone else how quickly they have to get over something. Everybody has to set their own pace, and take their own time. Don’t give up on Austin just yet.”

Nate took in a deep breath and let it out in a slow sigh, his frown softening into a troubled, guilty sort of tiredness.

But then, his expression hardened once more, and he looked up at Jesse with a suspicious, unfocused glare.

“Don’ touch me,” he grumbled lowly, reaching up and pushing Jesse’s hand off his shoulder.

“An’ if you’re comin’ onto me, fuck off. ”

Jesse froze.

He hadn’t heard that right.

Right…?

He opened his mouth, but then closed it again, as the words really sank in. “W-what?”

“I tol’ you,” Nate groaned, grasping at his beer glass in both hands and hanging his head as if too tired to keep it raised. “I told you not to get involved, not to let that boy into your life, and now look what happened. Look what it did to you.”

“What are you saying?” Jesse had to ask, slowly standing from his seat and taking a step back from Nate, as if instinctually trying to get distance despite the hammering in his heart and the dreadful need to hear the answer. “What do you mean?”

Nate let out a huff, looking back up from his glass and fixing Jesse with a serious, disdainful glare. “He made you gay.”

Jesse’s blood ran cold at the words.

He didn’t know how he was supposed to deal with that.

What he was supposed to say, what he was meant to do.

All he knew was that it hurt .

It hadn’t been Jamie’s fault—it wasn’t anyone’s ‘fault!’ How goddamn hard was that to understand?!

But Nate didn’t understand, and he didn’t truly care about Jesse.

If he did, he would accept Jesse for who he was, and understand that ‘being gay’ was not a bad thing he’d been ‘turned.’ It wasn’t a disease he’d caught, it was just the way he loved!

There was nothing wrong with it! It was as natural as breathing!

Jesse didn’t say a word. He couldn’t say a word. He couldn’t handle it right now, not today, of all days. Not with the sick, twisted feeling tying his stomach into knots, and the threat of tears burning behind his eyes.

He couldn’t stay here. He turned away from Nate, and headed back towards the door.

It seemed twice as crowded to him, all of a sudden, and three times as loud and hot and miserable.

He pushed his way through the crowd, just needing to get out and get a breath of fresh air in his lungs before he lost his composure completely.

But then Jazmine was suddenly in his path. “Oh, Jesse,” she greeted with a smile. “I didn’t expect to see you here, how’s it going?”

“U-um…” Jesse grimaced, pushing a hand through his hair as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. “F-fine, it’s going—” God, the lie was hard to spit out. He was so far from ‘fine.’ “I have to go, sorry…”

“Wait, what’s wrong?” Jazmine asked him, concern flooding her face. “You look pale, are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Jesse lied again, not sure why this was all only making him feel so much worse. He swallowed down the hard lump in his throat and hurried past her.

As he pushed his way over to the door, a strange sort of panic pulsed through him; driving the sweat down his face and causing his heart to clench painfully in his chest. The room felt like it was shrinking, as if the walls were closing in around him, and the laughing, yelling, jeering crowd felt like a suffocating wave, pulling him into the depths.

Like he was suddenly back in that lake, sinking like a stone into the crushing dark waters.