Page 19

Jesse

It was torture.

Jesse should’ve known it would be. Because it was not just a bed, it was a lot more than that.

He knew all too well what could be done in a bed besides sleeping—especially as boyfriends—and Jesse’s imagination was, as usual, far too active.

And having Jamie lying so close to him night after night, smelling his sweet scent, almost feeling his breath on his skin, only made the temptation worse.

Turning his head a bit, Jesse’s gaze fell on Jamie, whose white hair revealed that he was fast asleep, while Jesse himself once again couldn’t drift off, despite it being well past midnight already.

Maybe he should give up trying, get up, and take a cold shower.

The thoughts in his head were way too loud anyway, causing him to sigh into the darkness.

He just couldn’t allow himself to get weak.

It was already difficult enough for them to be together just because they were both men; and the fact remained that given the circumstances of Jamie’s amnesia, many people would absolutely get the wrong idea about him and mistake his naiveté for ‘childishness,’ despite the obvious progress he’d made.

If people then found out Jesse was sleeping with him, he knew exactly what kind of story it would turn into.

He would be painted as the worst kind of monster—and then bigots and homophobes would point to his picture the next time they made a speech about how it was ‘dangerous’ to let people like him exist.

“And that’s exactly why you have to control yourself,” he hissed towards his lower body, hoping that actually saying it would help.

Which, of course, it did not.

Frustrated in more ways than one, Jesse sat up in the darkness, pulling his shirt over his head (he had been trying to avoid sleeping shirtless the last few nights, but it was simply too uncomfortable) and flinging it into the opposite corner of the bedroom before he leaned his back against the headboard a little too hard.

Almost as if in response, Jamie began to mumble in his sleep. “ Jesse… kiss me… ”

Could it possibly get any worse!?

Closing his eyes, Jesse let his head fall backward where it hit the wall behind him with a dull thud.

It was as if he had the most delicious cake he had ever seen right in front of him, but without permission to eat it.

As if he were allowed to spread a bit of the cream on his lips but never actually take it into his mouth.

…He had to stop. Even his thoughts were becoming way too dangerous.

But how could he, when imagining what it would truly feel like was so intensely vivid? So vivid that it was impossible to ignore the very unambiguous reaction that was forming under his blanket again.

Jesse ran his hands over his face. He had to get up. Right now. Tossing said blanket aside, he went into the bathroom, spending the next twenty minutes trying to cool himself down.

It was only when he went back to bed that Jesse realized ‘never being allowed to’ wasn’t really accurate.

They shouldn’t do it now of course, given the circumstances, but that didn’t mean it would never happen.

Besides, he couldn’t avoid the topic with Jamie forever.

Jamie was an adult after all; he would find out about it sooner or later.

In fact, there was every chance he would ask Jesse to explain it to him.

And when that time came, it would be a significant moment.

Whatever Jesse told him wouldn’t just affect the relationship that the two of them now had, it would also affect the way Jamie perceived himself and his place in the world.

Jesse of all people knew how critical it was to have a healthy understanding of something as normal and natural as sex, but…

God, why was it Jesse’s job to tell a grown adult about this?

Especially one he actually wanted to sleep with!

…Well, it was his job because he’d taken on that duty when he’d decided to help Jamie in the first place .

He’d had to explain to him what cars and phones and stoves were, Jamie hadn’t even known what kissing was.

It was only logical that he would also ask about sex at some point.

But no matter how much Jesse knew this talk was inevitable, he did not feel ready yet to answer all the questions that would definitely come.

And yet… the thought that he would get to sleep with Jamie some day, that he would be allowed to have those pretty butt cheeks in his hands, and so much more, was all he needed to stay strong now. All he needed to do was to resist long enough until they were both ready for it.

…Would it happen here, in the bed that Jamie had bought for them? Or would it be even steamier, perhaps in the shower? Or on the couch, maybe? Well, for a first time, they should probably take the bed, shouldn’t they?

Jesse frowned as a sudden thought dawned on him.

Was it even right to assume that Jamie really had never gotten intimate with someone?

There was every chance he’d done it before he lost his memories.

He was old enough, after all. Maybe he just didn’t remember.

And yet, since he did not remember, it was still as if Jamie was a virgin.

On the other side of things, was it even right to assume Jamie would ever want sex?

Asexual people existed too, and not all of them were also aromantic.

It was more than possible for somebody to fall in love and never want to get intimate.

Just because Jamie wanted to kiss and hold hands and cuddle, it didn’t automatically mean he’d want sex too.

It would be just Jesse’s rotten luck, to fall in love with the first ace he met.

But he couldn’t just overwhelm Jamie with a bunch of questions and labels and terminology he definitely wouldn’t know. He had to be delicate about these things… and he was already uncomfortable even thinking about it.

Why did everything have to be so complicated ?

A sudden, faint whimper from Jamie’s direction snapped Jesse out of his thoughts.

By now, it was a sound he knew all too well—and although having Jamie so close to him was near unbearable, it also had one significant advantage: Jesse was right here whenever Jamie was having a nightmare, and he didn’t have to get up to get to the cot.

Sliding a little closer, Jesse reached out and put his hand on Jamie’s bare shoulder, wincing as Jamie’s breathing grew short and staggered.

“Jamie,” Jesse whispered, carefully trying to shake him awake.

It didn’t work. In the moonlight, he saw Jamie’s face contort into a grimace, as the nightmare took hold with more force.

“Jamie, wake up!” Jesse said a little louder, a prickling unease crawling up his neck that was pushing through all the steamy thoughts he’d had just moments ago. But Jamie still didn’t stir, starting to tremble and gasp instead as a tormented moan escaped from his lips.

This was going to be a bad one. Jamie’s arms began to twitch more erratically, his entire body tensing up as he gripped the bed sheet with his hand. He drew in a sharp, pained gasp, and then let out an agonized groan as sweat began to bead on his forehead. “N-no,” he whimpered. “No, p-please!”

“Jamie!” Jesse tried again, pushing himself to sit up as he shook Jamie’s shoulder more insistently. “Come on, wake up!”

“Please!” Jamie called out sharply again in his sleep.

“Stop it, stop it! NO!” A violent shudder passed over his lean frame as his breath hitched in his throat—and then he suddenly opened his eyes, staring into nowhere, his gaze wide and haunted.

He wasn’t awake; the color of his eyes and hair hadn’t changed back yet, the crystal blue and soft white colors almost seeming to match the moonlight as he panted heavily.

“Jamie,” Jesse said again, his concern only matched by the urge to do something, anything, to help him get through it.

Without a second thought, Jesse wrapped his arms around his partner, pulling him up and into a tight hug—realizing too late that Jamie’s shaking body was now pressed directly to his, skin against skin.

Damn it, couldn’t be helped.

Jamie coughed as he settled into Jesse’s hold, still tense and whimpering as if desperate to get air into his lungs.

He’d once told Jesse that he always felt the smoke from his nightmares as if it was real, and Jesse honestly couldn’t even imagine how horrifying such a thing must be.

“It’s okay,” he whispered soothingly. “I’m here. ”

“J-Jesse…”

In the corner of his eye, Jesse saw the white in Jamie’s hair begin to fade.

He shifted Jamie in his arms, just enough to get a better look without pulling away from the hug, and watched as the rich brown color returned; starting at the ends and sidling up to the roots, while his blue eyes darkened and shifted back to brown.

He had woken up.

A choked sob came from Jamie, piercing directly into Jesse’s heart.

Wrapping his arms tighter around Jamie and gently stroking his back, he tried to give him the comfort and support he needed, the only thing he could do right now.

It didn’t even matter anymore whether they were skin to skin, only that he was there for Jamie when he needed him.

“It’s okay,” Jesse whispered again. “I’m right here.”

Jamie didn’t say a word. Shaking violently, he raised his right arm and put his hand to the back of his head—at the spot where Jesse knew his scar was.

The only sounds in the darkness were Jamie’s heavy panting as he tried to calm down, interrupted by a few more coughs, as if he could still taste the smoke in his lungs.

If only Jesse could help Jamie more than this. He’d been trying to look into things whenever he had the chance, but all his knowledge from nursing school didn’t make a difference.