Page 13

Jamie

“But why can’t we just share?” It seemed to Jamie like such a simple question.

“Because we just can’t. ”

“But… I really don’t want to sleep on the cot anymore,” Jamie argued. He didn’t know why Jesse was fighting it so hard. “It’s not as soft or roomy as a real bed. If you got a bigger bed, we could just share it, and everything would be fine.”

“Jamie, please, I just can’t,” Jesse said again, rubbing at his temples as if he had a headache.

“For one thing, it’s a lot more expensive than you’d think.

I would have to buy a new bedframe, and a mattress, and new sheets to fit it.

That’s a lot of money, and I can’t afford to make too many big purchases at once. ”

Jamie hated money, he decided. It wasn’t fair that so much of what he wanted, so much of what Jesse wanted, was completely out of reach because of money.

But Jesse had said ‘for one thing.’ That, Jamie had learned, usually meant there was another reason coming behind it. So… “What’s the other thing?”

Jesse looked away as pink came to his face—but this time, in a way that didn’t seem as nice as it usually did. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Jamie pressed his lips into a pout. It was getting very annoying, being told what he would and wouldn’t understand. “Why are you acting so strange about it? Why don’t you just tell me?”

Jesse made a grimacing sort of wince, as his face went even more red. “You don’t even know what you’re saying,” he told him. “Can you please just drop it?”

“No,” Jamie resisted as he felt an unexpected—and very unpleasant—piercing in his stomach at Jesse’s disapproval.

“I cannot just drop it. Austin has a bigger bed than you do, and it was nice and soft and comfortable. I want a real bed, but your bedroom is too small to have two of them. It’s barely big enough for my cot. ”

Even the living room wasn’t really big enough. But that would’ve been pointless anyway. After all, they had moved the cot into the bedroom so that Jesse could wake Jamie whenever he had a nightmare.

“Well, we could just swap then,” Jesse tried again. “You can sleep in my bed, and I take the cot. Problem solved.”

“But then you can’t sleep comfortable anymore! It wouldn’t solve anything. So, if we got just one bed that was a little bigger, and got rid of your bed and my cot, it would fit in this room and then we could both share it!”

“I knew I should have put my foot down about that,” Jesse muttered to himself, running a hand tiredly down his face. “Fuckin’ Austin, messing everything up…”

“Why are you blaming Austin?” Jamie knitted his brows. “He didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Look, Jamie, it’s just… complicated, alright?” Jesse said. “It’s difficult to explain, but it would be a mistake. I don’t know how it would all turn out. It’s just not… possible, right now.”

Another pout formed on Jamie’s lips. This was just like when they’d been watching the movie, wasn’t it?

Jesse hadn’t wanted to answer those questions, either; he’d just stammered on about how it was ‘complicated’ and ‘difficult,’ and he’d shut the conversation down and refused to keep talking about it.

He was usually so good at answering Jamie’s questions, and Austin had explained the movie easily over at his house, so Jamie honestly didn’t know what the problem was here.

Maybe…

Maybe Jesse didn’t want to answer these particular questions, because the answer scared him, somehow?

Maybe there was something about those questions that made him feel that sense of fear or vulnerability that he’d mentioned the other day, and he didn’t want to admit it because it made him feel too open and exposed ?

Jamie still didn’t know what the connection was between each topic Jesse dodged, but that would explain why he could tell Jamie everything except what was wrong.

Of course, speaking of Jesse refusing to tell Jamie what was wrong…

“Can you stop lying to me?” Jamie asked bluntly, clenching his fists at his side.

Jesse tensed, his eyes widening as if he’d been caught. “W-what?”

“You say that my dreams aren’t real,” Jamie told him.

“That they are just dreams. But that can’t be true.

The things I feel in those nightmares; the pain in my head, the smoke in my lungs, the blood that was on my hands…

they’re all real, aren’t they? And – and that scar.

It is there. You’re trying to protect me, from me, but it’s not fair.

I need to know the truth.” Jamie stared directly into Jesse’s eyes. “Are my dreams a real memory, or not?”

Jesse’s expression softened, and he let out a troubled sigh. “I… didn’t say your dreams aren’t real. I just… said I don’t believe you hurt someone…”

Jamie raised an eyebrow, waiting for an actual answer.

“They… well, yes, I think they could be an actual memory,” Jesse finally admitted, his gaze cautiously fixed on Jamie as if to check how he would react.

Jamie’s spirits sank, and he suddenly felt far too tired and listless. He had just said he wanted the truth, but… now that he heard it, a heaviness settled upon him. “Then, it means… I killed someone.” he whispered, his voice barely audible.

“No,” Jesse contradicted at once, with a firm shake of his head. “No, I refuse to believe that.”

“But you just said you would stop lying to me!” Jamie accused.

“I’m not lying! I promise not to lie, alright?” Jesse told him earnestly.

“But if you think what I see in my dreams is real, then it means that I killed someone! What other explanation is there? The blood, Jesse! The blood was on my hands! ”

“There could be a thousand explanations!” Jesse stepped forward and grabbed Jamie’s hands into his.

“You could have been trying to help someone, you could have been protecting someone, you could have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time! Besides, dreams can mean so many things, they don’t prove you did anything wrong.

I absolutely don’t believe you’re capable of hurting someone, Jamie—and if these really are memories, then there has to be something we’re missing. ”

Jamie let this sink in for a moment. Perhaps Jesse was right, and it really was just some kind of misunderstanding.

Oh, how Jamie hoped it could be that simple.

The haunting scream from the nightmare drove guilt into his heart every time he heard it.

He didn’t want to be the kind of person who was capable of causing so much grief and agony.

His hands still felt dirty… but maybe Jesse was right, maybe he’d been trying to help.

It was a calming thought.

“…Thank you,” Jamie said, letting out a breath of relief as his muscles relaxed a bit. “It feels… really good to hear that.”

Jesse smiled at him, an expression of fondness and care on his face. He made that face a lot around Jamie, these days. It always made Jamie feel simultaneously good, and upset. Good because it felt nice to think that Jesse cared about him, and upset because… he didn’t know why.

It just ached.

Another little problem that had been nagging at the back of Jamie’s mind came to the forefront, and he decided, since the last thing had gone so well, to address this now, too.

“Also,” he started. “Can you stop kissing my head when I’m asleep?”

Jesse choked. “W-what!?” he gasped in, his face going red again as he took a step back. “I don’t—what are you talking about!?”

“That’s what you’re doing, right?” Jamie asked. “You kiss my hair after every nightmare, whenever I fall back asleep. ”

Jesse grimaced uncomfortably, running a hand down his face again. “Okay, yeah, I did that,” he blurted out. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to—I never thought you would—oh god, this is so embarrassing! How did you even…?”

“How did I know?” Jamie finished.

Jesse nodded stiffly.

“I don’t really know how I know,” Jamie admitted. “I could just… sense it.”

“…I’m so sorry,” Jesse said again. “I never should’ve done it. I won’t do it again, I swear.”

Wait, no, that wasn’t what Jamie meant! He gritted his teeth, his own face beginning to burn as he tried to work through what he was feeling.

The stirring in his gut that was both uncomfortable and yet pleasurable, the frustration at both Jesse and at himself for what was happening—or, rather, at what wasn’t happening—and that ancient, deep ache in his chest that he still couldn’t place.

“I’m not asking you to stop,” he managed to say.

“The problem is that you’re doing it while I’m asleep. ”

Jesse’s narrow black eyes widened, as his mouth dropped open. “Wait. You – you’re saying… you want me to kiss you?”

Why was this so difficult for him to accept?

“Yes,” Jamie said.

Jesse took in a few short, staggered breaths.

“I want to know what it feels like,” Jamie clarified. “I want you to kiss me.”

Jesse pushed a hand through his smooth black hair, the bangs falling over his eyes as he seemed to be thinking it over. “A-alright,” he agreed after a long moment. Still, he made no move to come closer, hesitating where he stood and biting his lower lip anxiously.

Jamie tilted his head. “Are you afraid?”

“…No,” Jesse said quietly. “Maybe just… overwhelmed.”

Actually, Jamie was starting to feel a little overwhelmed himself.

Hold on .

What if someone had taken his memories, like the sea witch had taken Ariel’s voice; would he maybe get his memories back if Jesse kissed him?

…That didn’t make sense.

But he could just give it a try.

Or, should he not?

His mouth tasted dry all of a sudden, and he became keenly aware of it as he instinctively licked his lips.

That’s when he realized that he didn’t want Jesse to just kiss his head, like when he was sleeping.

He wanted to kiss Jesse’s mouth, as if they were in a movie, and he needed to break a curse.

Since Jesse still wasn’t coming any closer, Jamie decided to just do it himself.

Stepping forward, he closed the distance between them, and put a hand on Jesse’s shoulder for balance.

He stood on his toes, in order to reach the taller man’s face.

He paused, in case Jesse didn’t want what he wanted…

but Jesse didn’t move away. He just stood frozen where he was, his breath coming in short, slight gasps, as he stared at Jamie with shining black eyes.

Jamie hesitated for one more second, and then leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jesse’s.

A spark shot through him like a current. His heart seemed to stop in his chest, and a thrill pulled at his stomach as he let the soft kiss linger. He felt as if, for the very first time, he had just come alive; a joy that felt as if it was turning his very soul upside down.

After a long moment, he pulled slowly away. It hadn’t broken any curse; no memories returned to him. But he didn’t care. He just looked up into Jesse’s eyes, delighted to see them sparkle. Jesse’s mouth pulled up into the purest smile, and the feeling of joy in Jamie’s heart grew.

Before he even knew what he was doing, Jamie leaned in for another kiss. And this time, Jesse raised his hands, gently cupping Jamie’s cheeks, and kissed him back.