Page 16

Jamie

“Excuse me!?”

The shock in Jesse’s tone was plain as day, but there was another emotion in his voice; dismay.

It made Jamie feel bad about leaving, but that didn’t feel as bad as it would to stay, so he didn’t stop packing.

Though, he couldn’t just ignore Jesse, either.

Part of the reason why he was leaving was because Jesse refused to explain things to him, so it wouldn’t be right if he did the same.

“I don’t… want to embarrass you any longer. ”

“Embarrass me?” Jesse repeated, confusion crossing his features.

“What the hell are you talking about!?” He blinked and then frowned, as if recalling something.

“Wait, is this about what Hazel said earlier, about ‘embarrassing me’ in front of the rest of the group? That was just a joke, okay? She was teasing me. You aren’t embarrassing me! ”

“But you said that we need to keep it a secret that we’re together,” Jamie argued.

“Nobody else has to keep it a secret, but we do. And that’s…

that’s because you should be with a woman, isn’t it?

And not with me.” He pursed his lips as he looked Jesse in the eye, to see if he would deny it.

“You’re embarrassed to be with me, because I’m a man. ”

Jesse stared at him, his mouth agape and his black eyes wide. He clamped his mouth shut after a moment, a deeply troubled frown pulling at his brow as he pushed a hand through his hair and looked away, like he didn’t know what to say—or perhaps, because he didn’t want to say it?

Either way, Jesse made no response. He stayed silent.

“That’s why you couldn’t tell me what the real problem was,” Jamie accused. “Because you only wanted to help me when it was about things like me not knowing where to go and all that. And now that I wanted to kiss you, things got complicated. Because I’m a man.”

“Jamie, please stop,” Jesse pleaded, starting to look upset as he held his hands up in surrender and finally started to speak.

“I won’t pretend that you’re totally wrong, but please stop blaming yourself.

It’s not your fault, okay? I mean, it’s not mine either, it’s those goddamn bigots that just can’t—” he cut himself off with an agitated breath, reaching up to rub at his forehead for a moment, as if he was struggling to find the right words.

“Jamie, listen. Please. I could’ve just let you wander off that day we found you on the street, but I didn’t.

I could’ve changed my mind and thrown you back out on the street after a few days, but I didn’t.

I could’ve just said no when you asked me to kiss you, and I didn’t.

” He took a step closer, giving Jamie an earnest, hopeful sort of look.

“Do you understand what I’m trying to say?

I don’t want you to leave, Jamie. I really don’t. Besides, where would you even go?”

“I… don’t know,” Jamie admitted, hesitating for a moment before zipping up his backpack. “But I have a job now. I can live on my own.”

“But that money won’t even be enough to eat on,” Jesse told him. “Let alone enough to rent an apartment.”

“Well, then, I guess I’ll just have to go and stay at one of those shelters in the pamphlets Jazmine gave me, until I have enough money to get a place of my own.” Jamie slung the backpack over his shoulder and passed by Jesse, stepping out of the bedroom to head for the door.

“Jamie, wait!” Jesse followed him, grabbing at one of Jamie’s hands. “Didn’t you hear a word I just said!?”

“I did,” Jamie said, pulling his wrist free. “But it doesn’t change anything.”

Jesse grimaced, opening and closing his mouth as if he didn’t know what to say.

“I… can’t force you to stay,” he finally got out.

“But please, if you’re going to leave, don’t – don’t go to one of those shelters.

They’re better than nothing, but they’re…

just not a good plac e for you to be. If you want, I can…

” He let out a sigh, starting to look sorrowful and resigned.

“I can ask Austin if you can stay at his place for a while.”

…What?

How would that be any different from living with Jesse? Damn all these endless rules! It was too confusing to figure out what was fine and what was ‘embarrassing,’ even harder trying to get an answer when he asked why it was different!

“But that doesn’t change anything,” Jamie said again, gritting his teeth in frustration as he tried to understand. “Austin is also a man!”

“He is, but that’s different.”

”But why ?” Jamie pressed. “How is it different?”

“W-Well, because he’s… just a friend,” Jesse said, his face reddening a little.

“As opposed to what else?” Jamie demanded, recalling the term Hazel had used that had embarrassed Jesse so much; ‘boyfriend,’ and how Jesse had said they couldn’t let anyone know they were ‘together,’ and that was why they couldn’t kiss in public.

“What is it you won’t say to me, Jesse? What exactly is the difference? ”

“Would you kiss Austin?” Jesse asked pointedly.

“No!” Jamie said at once. “Of course not!”

“But you still like him a lot, right?”

“Well, yeah, but that’s not the same.”

“Exactly,” Jesse said. “And that’s the difference I was talking about.”

He actually thought that Jamie didn’t even realize his own feelings.

The frustration Jamie felt within him was growing stronger by the minute.

Just because he didn’t understand why they weren’t allowed to kiss in public didn’t mean he didn’t understand why he wanted to kiss.

He wasn’t confused about the difference between kissing Jesse and hypothetically kissing Austin; he was confused about the difference between him kissing Jesse, and Ayda kissing Dave !

He was confused about why he and Jesse had to follow different rules than Ayda and Dave did .

Why couldn’t Jesse just explain that?

“I know the difference between you and Austin,” he told Jesse, trying to swallow his growing anger and stay calm, and grasping for some kind of example he could give, to make Jesse understand him. “It’s the difference between Flounder and the Prince.”

This seemed to be the wrong example, however; Jesse just paused, surprise and confusion overtaking his expression as he blinked. “…Huh?”

“Flounder is Ariel’s friend,” Jamie clarified. “And Austin is my friend. So, Austin is like Flounder. And you’re Eric, and that’s why I kissed you.”

Jesse stared at Jamie, a strange look on his face as it turned pink. “Uh… that’s certainly a way to describe it.”

”And that’s why the Prince looks at Ariel the way he does,” Jamie said. “I know the difference between Eric and Flounder, Jesse. What I’m confused about is the difference between Ariel and me. ”

“W-well,” Jesse shifted his weight, starting to look deeply uncomfortable again, like he always got whenever Jamie tried to ask him these kinds of questions.

“It’s different because—I mean, it’s not different to me, but it’s different to a lot of other people.

I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s just…

it’s hard to explain. The difference… the difference between us is that he’s allowed to love her. ”

There was that word again. ‘Love.’

They’d talked about it a lot during the movie, but nobody had told Jamie what it meant.

Obviously, it was the word Ariel and Eric used to describe how they felt about each other, and obviously it wasn’t the same as friendship.

Jamie wasn’t stupid; he had understood the movie he watched. It still felt like running in circles.

“What… what does that mean, though?” Jamie had to ask. “‘Love,’ what does ‘love’ mean? If we can’t be together because we can’t love, tell me what it is I’m missing!”

“It’s not that we can’t—” Jesse interrupted himself again, running a hand down his face.

“I’m getting this all wrong! I’m – I’m sorry.

I know I’ve been so confusing, I…” He let out a deep breath.

“Can we… mayb e sit down?” He waved Jamie away from the door and towards the couch. “I’ll explain everything.”

Finally.

Jamie nodded, making his way over to couch and sitting down together with Jesse. He waited expectantly for a moment, as Jesse seemed to think over what it was he was about to say.

“Love is… a very strong feeling,” he finally said, a seriousness in his black eyes.

“It’s a lot more than just to like someone.

It’s… so hard to explain, actually. You care about someone so much that you can’t imagine being without them anymore.

You want to hold them tight and never let go.

It’s a heat in your heart that grows with each day you’re together, and when you’re apart, you feel dead and empty.

And you feel this urge, this need to protect them, to make sure that nothing bad happens to them.

” He gave Jamie an unreadable look, and then swallowed as he turned his head again.

“When you can’t be with them, it’s torture. ”

Torture…?

Was Jesse feeling torture over this? Jamie had been so caught up in how bad it felt to be told he couldn’t act on his feelings, that he hadn’t quite realized how hard it must have been on Jesse himself.

But that just made him feel even more confused than ever.

If Jesse felt that way, if Jesse didn’t want him to leave, if Jesse cared about him so much that it hurt to be away from him, then why did he insist they couldn’t be together?