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“Then… why aren’t we doing that?” Jamie asked again, pulling his brow into a troubled frown. “Why aren’t you kissing or touching me li ke that?”

Jesse closed his eyes, unable to think straight with Jamie staring at him like that.

Everything was so complicated; he didn’t know how to explain what he’d been feeling, all his worries and fears about how people would perceive them.

How was he supposed to explain to Jamie how much self-control it took not to give in to his own feelings?

How weak he felt around Jamie, how hard it was just to be in the same room with him and know he had to exercise so much restraint?

He had what felt like millions of excuses running through his mind, each one sounding worse than the last. He knew he had to be honest, but how could he tell Jamie that holding back felt like torture , while giving in felt like a crime ?

Jesse let out a sigh, and tried to find the words for the explanation as best he could. “P-Please don’t – don’t get me wrong, okay? It just—it doesn’t feel right to do this to you, when—”

“Is it because we’re boys?” Jamie suddenly asked. “Is this something that only women and men do?”

“N-No! That’s… not the point,” Jesse hurried to say.

But before he could continue, Jamie’s hands were suddenly drawn away from his own. Jesse looked into Jamie’s eyes, and felt another surge of guilt as he watched them fill with tears once again.

“So then…” Jamie whispered sadly. “You’ve been lying to me.”

“ What!? ” Jesse stared as a cold shock of panic ran through him. Why the hell would Jamie think he’d lied to him!? “Jamie, no! I haven’t been lying to you! I promised I wouldn’t! What do you mean?”

“You said that… you love me,” Jamie sniffed, not even bothering to wipe away the tears rolling down his cheeks. “But you – you don’t want to—”

“I don’t want to!?” Jesse interrupted, a strained laugh of disbelief pulled from his mouth before he could stop it.

That’s what Jamie was upset about? He thought Jesse was holding back because he didn’t want to go forward? God, this whole time, he’d thought he had to be sensitive and careful in what he said, but that had been part of the problem the whole time !

Screw it, then; no more sugar-coating. He had to just tell Jamie exactly how he felt, and trust him to understand it like the adult he actually was.

“Oh, trust me, Jamie, I want to,” he blurted out.

“If there was ever something I really wanted, it’s this.

I’ve – I’ve never wanted to do something so badly in my entire life!

You have no idea how hard it’s been to – to resist and to control myself around you.

No, I want to do it. That’s not the reason I haven’t… tried.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” Jamie argued, his face reddening with his frustration as he finally wiped the tears from his face.

Jesse let out a groan, reaching up to rub at his temples.

“Why don’t you just do it if you want it so badly?” Jamie asked beside him, reaching up and taking hold of Jesse’s wrists to pull them away from his temples.

Jesse couldn’t help but look up at him, wincing at the pleading look in his deep brown eyes and the glistening tear-tracks down his cheeks. “Well, people might… get the wrong idea,” he finally managed to admit. “They could accuse me for taking advantage of you, because of your amnesia.”

Jamie just stared at him, seemingly trying to process what Jesse had just said. A pout formed on his lips. “They are wrong,” he said after a moment. “There might be many things that haven’t come back to me yet, but I’m not a stupid child. You want it, and I want it. So where’s the problem?”

Jesse found he had no real answer. “W-Well…”

“Besides, it’s just like with the bed. As long as we don’t tell anyone, how would they even know?”

Jesse swallowed heavily. Jamie certainly had a point.

But…

“P-Please…?” Jamie tried again.

Oh god.

Jesse jumped out of his chair, feeling his defenses crumble to dust as he practically ran over to the window. Gripping at the sill, he closed his eyes and leaned his head onto the cold glass to try and force himself to cool off.

But it didn’t work. He was already imagining how it would feel to crush his lips against Jamie’s, and to slide his hands under his shirt. To lift it up and—

He had to get a grip. He had to resist. He had to stay strong. It was one thing to admit to Jamie what he wanted to do; it was another thing entirely to throw caution to the wind and actually do it!

Warm arms suddenly wrapped around his waist from behind, and a violent tremor ran down Jesse’s spine at the touch.

His heart was pounding in his chest as he suddenly couldn’t breathe, frozen in place as Jamie leaned against him and laid his head against Jesse’s back.

He hadn’t even heard Jamie get up; and now he was holding him, so lovingly, so intimately.

“Please?”

The word came quiet from Jamie; barely louder than a whisper, and yet it felt deafening in Jesse’s ears.

He stood frozen in front of the window, staring out unseeingly as his mind raced.

All the reasons they shouldn’t do it were blaring in his head; ‘What if someone still finds out?’ ‘What will people think of me?’ ‘What if we get hurt?’ ‘What if he changes his mind?’

But…

He really, really wanted to.

And it was pretty clear that Jamie wanted it, too.

“Ah fuck…” Jesse muttered. Turning around in Jamie’s arms, he took Jamie’s face into his hands, and leaned in for a kiss.

He barely managed to use his last bit of self-control to move slowly, gently.

As much as he wanted to move with reckless abandon, he still had to hold back—just a little.

Though, the longer he had Jamie’s lips against his, the harder it was to deny the heat he felt.

Finally, he had to break away, forcing himself to give Jamie one more chance to back out.

“It… will hurt,” he managed to say.

“I don’t care,” Jamie whispered back .

“You’ll feel… weird, tomorrow.”

Jamie swallowed, tightening his hold around Jesse’s waist. “I want to feel weird.”

“I…” Jesse was out of excuses. “Damn it,” he let himself give in. “Okay then.”

He just couldn’t resist any longer.