Page 58 of Seduction

CHAPTER 10

***Ellen***

This is the fourth time Jon’s called me today. Jon. I don’t even know when he stopped being “Einstein.” That’s what I’ve called him since Gage gave him the name when they started high school. Ignoring his call again, I drop the phone in my purse, grab the flowers on the passenger seat, and climb out of my car.

The cemetery.

I don’t like coming here. In addition to it being creepy, I just don’t feel like Eddie’s here. Yet I visit him at least once a month. It’s contradictory but other than holding our son in my arms, this is where I feel closest to him. As I walk through the rows of headstones, I notice the people here. There are women, probably like me, mourning a husband, brother, father; men grieving for mothers, sisters, wives. There are even a few funerals going on. That was probably the hardest part for me—seeing Eddie lying in that coffin, lifeless… watching through tear-clouded eyes as they lowered him into the ground. That day still haunts my dreams.

The tears begin to form as I approach his grave. Fear, guilt, and shame about what I did wash over me. Removing the flowers from the plastic bag they’re in, I lean them against the headstone as I clean away the remnants of the ones from my last visit. I shove those into the plastic bag, then lay the fresh ones on top of the grave. Falling to my knees, I sit back on my heels, my eyes wandering over the letters engraved in the stone—Edward Michael Raymond.

“Hi, Eddie.”

Sometimes I half expect him to answer, but this is not one of those times.

“I miss you. I still don’t know why you had to go, but I want you to know that you’re still in my heart.” I prepare myself to say the next words, dreading them as if he were standing in front of me. “I met someone. Well, I’ve been seeing someone. It’s Jon… Einstein. I like him. He’s… well, you know what he’s like. But he’s good to me, and to Mikey.” I pick at some imaginary lint on my top, unable to look directly at the headstone. “Something happened last night. I liked it. I liked it, and now I’m a mess because I did. I’m sorry. I feel like I betrayed you. I know you want me to be happy, but I don’t know if I can ever truly be… without you. I don’t know what to do.”

I hang my head, silently crying.

“Are you all right, dear?”

Wiping my cheeks, I look up at the older woman the question came from. She looks like she’s way into her seventies, walking with a cane, but she wants to know if I’m okay.

“Yes, thank you. Just….” I motion helplessly to Eddie’s grave.

“Husband?”

“Fiancé.”

“I see. Recent?”

“It’s been four years,” I reply.

“Oh, honey….” She takes a shaky step forward, pointing her cane up the row of graves. “I buried my James thirty years ago. He was the great love of my life.”

“Eddie was mine.”

I stand, giving her my arm as we walk to a nearby bench.

“Any children?” she asks.

“One. A son. He was born right after Eddie died.”

“That’s heartbreaking… a son not knowing his father. Are you married?”

I drop my gaze, shaking my head. She pats my hand, pointing to the graves again.

“My Carl is buried right next to James. Married him three years after James died. He was also the love my life.”

Confused, I meet her gaze. “I thought you said—”

“I loved them both… in my own way. I’m going to be buried right between them.”

“How did you do it? After James?”

“It was Tennyson who said ‘I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; ’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’”

“I don’t believe that. Love hurts.”