Page 6

Chapter Five

Ashland

I look at myself in the mirror once my makeup is done. It’s dark and smokey, just like how I feel inside. My dress is just a massive band tee that I washed in bleach, added studs and holes, and strung the deep v to make it look edgy. It makes my tits look great with my underboob tattoo peeking out.

Penny looks me up and down. “You look hot.”

“Great.” I roll my eyes. She knows I appreciate her compliment and that I just can’t say it.

“I mean it. You’re getting laid tonight.”

I won’t be getting laid. Instead, I’m going to get trashed, run away, and go to bed before anyone realizes I’m gone. I can’t refuse the party because then it'll disappoint Penny, and Cole by association. It’s just one stupid party. The two of them will get an in, and I can skip every single football party from here on out. Right now, they see me as their lifeline for the invite.

I hate Alexi for inviting me. Still, Penny is so damn excited that it’s rubbing off on me. It’s supposed to be a rager, so I probably won’t even see him. Cole picks us up, walking us across campus to the party. I check my phone. It’s already at twenty percent battery.

“Fuck."

“What’s up?” Penny loops her arm through mine. I show her my phone and she shakes her head.

“I forgot."

“I’m honestly surprised you even have it. If you Irish goodbye me tonight, I swear I’ll call the police.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“I mean it!” She laughs. “At least use the phone of whatever idiot you end up leaving with to tell me you’re alive and fine.”

“Yeah, that will be my first order of business.”

“I’ll keep an eye on her,” Cole chirps. He knows I’m going to dip. At least he’s covering for me.

I want to make some snide comment, but the sound of the party echoing down the street stops me. I mentally prepare myself for the insanity we’re going to walk up on. Bass thuds, rattling the windows, and people are crowded together on the front lawn. They pour out onto the street, and the voices are like a loud thrum. Penny, Cole, and I stand on the sidewalk staring at the scene.

“Well, this puts the soccer parties to shame,” she breathes.

I usher her into the throngs of people up to the front door. Some asshole stands there with an actual clipboard. Several people stand around looking dejected.

A hand sticks out and stops us. It’s attached to a girl in all red. It’s not her color. “Sorry, they won’t let you in without being on the list.” She giggles, as if she had made it into the party.

I recognize her as Stacy from that brunch, but she doesn’t seem to recognize me. She’s wearing god-awful red lipstick.

“Is that why you’re standing out here?” I raise an eyebrow.

The guy holding the clipboard looks amused. “Name?”

“Uh, Ashland Bradshaw?” I try. He waves us in. Stacy pouts and immediately starts talking shit to her friends. Dumb bitch. For a minute I let the superiority complex wash over me, bathing me in confidence.

The temperature in the house is stifling. I’m already suffocating with the smell of shitty weed and bodies. We make our way to the kitchen, passing idiots doing keg stands and slapping the bag.

“That’s Noah Barnes,” Cole shouts in my ear. “He was just recruited this year. A freshman.”

A makeshift bar has been set up in the corner, and a guy who still looks like a giant stands behind it. So he’s a rookie and clearly being treated like one.

“What can I get you to drink?” His eyes rove over me. I know I don’t fit in at this party, but I don’t really give a shit. I’m walking daddy issues and guys love that.

“What do you have?” I ask, ignoring the obvious hunger in his gaze.

“Let’s see. Beer, Jungle Juice, and cheap vodka." He's kind of cute and funny in that rom-com way.

“Fuck it. Give us Jungle Juice?” Penny nods in agreement.

“Beer for me,” Cole says.

Noah makes quick work of the drink orders. “Free refills,” he winks at me. I want to balk, but I just give him an insincere smile and head to a corner.

The energy in the place is insane with excitement. It's contagious. I don’t want to be enjoying myself, but some guy holds out a blunt and I take it. There's some sort of level up to this party. I won’t admit it, but I’m glad Cole and Penny made me come.

“Turn that frown upside down, Ash. We’re going to have a hell of a night. To the Cunts of the Century!” Penny puts the Jungle Juice up to my lips and forces me to drink half of the cup. It tastes like disgusting sweet syrup. Vodka and something dark blended with Hawaiian Punch. I do as she says and try to reorient myself into the fun Ashland; the one who doesn’t have incessant paranoia and hate everything this party stands for.

I get two refills before everything gets warm and any semblance of social anxiety is swept away in the haze. I swear Noah is making them stronger every time I return. He watches me from the bar, laughing with some of the other rookies. I can't help but to give him the fuck me eyes.

“Noah Barnes?” Cole observes with clear jealousy.

I give him a smile and he sends one back. “Maybe.”

“There you are!” Alexi shoves his way through the crowd into our trio. He puts his arm around me in a hug that I can't seem to get out of. “I didn’t think you would come, but Smith came to get me to let me know.”

“Smith?” I ask.

“The door guy,” Cole answers enthusiastically.

“Welcome to the football team’s humble annex abode.” Alexi ridiculously bows, almost falling over.

“Thanks for the invite,” Cole shouts over the music.

“No problem. Glad to have you. Your name was Carter, right?” Alexi big dicks him, sticking his fist out for a bump. For a moment, I wonder what Cole will do since they’re clearly already acquainted, but he bumps it back like a gentleman. He must have a massive guy crush on Alexi.

“Penny." She waves quickly with a smile.

“Ah, yes. Wait, you’re the girl I bought a drink for.” Alexi gives her a sneaky grin. “Nice to finally make your acquaintance. How’d the date turn out?”

She starts to giggle. “Before or after Ashland dumped a pitcher of mimosa on his head?”

Alexi turns to me, laughing with his eyes glistening from drink. “Poor guy. I’ll be back. I’ve gotta go get a new keg from the back.” He backs away, not taking his eyes off of me. “Don’t go anywhere!” he shouts before disappearing.

“If you fuck this guy, I swear,” Penny gushes.

I sip my drink. “I’m not going to fuck Alexi. We’re just in the same class, and Cole is in love with him."

“I’m not in love with him,” Cole mumbles into his cup, looking around.

“That’s how it starts,” she sing-songs.

“Not true,” I argue, looking to Cole for help, but he shrugs in agreement.

“Listen, he did invite us to a football party.” Cole is so happy to be here he doesn’t even give a shit that we’re literally discussing me fucking one of these guys.

“You’re no help,” I scoff at him.

A song blares over the speakers followed by Penny's screams. “I love this song! I wanna dance. Come on, Cole!”

He puts his hand out and glances at me quickly. “Will you be alright?”

I wave him away. “I’ll be fine. Go dance.”

He looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. For all I know, Penny is trying to get him away from me for my sanity, or so I can fuck the running back. Cole wouldn’t shut up about Alexi’s football career the entire way here.

I have no plans on waiting for Alexi or anyone else for that matter. I head back to the bar and flirt with Noah again before running away. I start to fall, my drink flying out of my hand, but someone catches me by my upper arm and sets me upright.

“Watch where the fuck you’re going,” I growl.

I look up into the coal black eyes of the guy who was with Alexi at the pizza place and at brunch. It takes me a second to remember his name. Koda. I’m assaulted by the smell of wood and spice mixed with a scent I can only describe as boy.

“Ugh. It’s you." He rolls his eyes.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Chance?” I snap. The minimal interactions we’ve had have all left a sour taste in my mouth.

“It’s a party,” he retorts. “Surprised someone would even invite you to one.”

“Well, your boyfriend did. Insisted on it, really.”

Koda towers over me, sneering. “He does love a slut with daddy issues.”

“Guys usually do.”

He huffs like an angry bull. “Some guys actually want to be with someone who doesn’t wake up in Sig Ep on a Thursday.”

I’m a little taken aback. “What the hell do you know about Sig Ep?”

“You ran out last week. Straight into me.”

The guy who was running. That was this jackass. I start to laugh. “You’re pretty fucking judgmental for a guy getting his dick sucked by Stacy.”

There’s a tick in his jaw. “Where’s your babysitter? Cole, I believe his name is.”

The fact that he’s bringing Cole up right now has me so confused. He doesn’t seem like he's the kind of guy who remembers pointless interactions. I barely remembered his name.

“Cole isn’t my keeper.”

“He was at Sunny’s that day. Then he was getting you pizza at Late Night while you were on his phone telling Alexi to fuck off. He had to let Alexi down easy. Then he was bringing you sandwiches and coffee on the quad before letting you use him as a pack mule who keeps your schedule. Now, he’s here at this party with you. Sounds like his whole life revolves around you.”

“That’s what friends do. You probably wouldn’t know because you don’t have any.”

He bares his teeth like he might rip my throat out, and it’s fucking attractive. My incomplete orgasm from yesterday rages through my core. “I can’t wait until you fuck Alexi and he casts you aside like the slut that you are.”

“Is that all it takes?” I smirk. “If I’d known that, I would have fucked him the second I got here.”

“You’re too late." He gives me a malicious smile. “He’s out back with Stacy getting his dick sucked.”

“Thank God. Now I can actually enjoy myself.”

Koda doesn’t know what to do with my comment. He clearly thought he had me with that one. He glances over my shoulder. “Your puppy is back.”

“Good. Now I have no reason to fucking talk to you. Buh-bye.” I wave him away.

He bites his cheek and narrows his eyes before stalking off through the crowd, which splits for him like the Red Sea.

“There you are,” Cole shouts into my ear. “I wasn’t sure if you left yet.”

“Where’s Penny?”

“Dancing with some guy. What were you talking to Koda Armory about?”

“That guy? He was informing me that Alexi is out back with some football groupie.”

Concern flashes across his face. “What a douche. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I answer with confusion.

“I just figured he invited us to this party because you’ve been with him or something. I thought the whole ‘he’s bothering me’ thing was a cover.”

“Absolutely not. I’m only here because you wanted to come.”

Cole bites his lip. “And that’s really it?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

I can tell he’s feeling bold tonight. We’re both a little drunk. He has ditched the golden retriever look and replaced it with strong and confident. Maybe I’ll kiss him after all.

“Do you want another drink?” he offers.

“I would love one.” I drawl, pressing my fingers against his chest and lightly pushing him away.

He looks at me hungrily. “Don’t go anywhere."

“Wow.” Penny reappears, leaning into me.

“Wow, what?” I glower.

“Cole is ready to jump down your throat, and if I’m not mistaken the feeling is mutual.”

“Pfft, we’ll kiss and I’ll be grossed out.”

Penny spits out her drink onto some guy next to us, laughing. “You’re insane.”

“What? We just flirt. That’s it.”

“Yeah. That’s why he’s always at your beck and call.”

I think about what Koda said earlier. I hate that I’m even remembering it.

Cole saves the day, passing me a shot and leaning into me. “What are we talking about?”

“How alcohol makes people do things they normally wouldn’t,” Penny responds smoothly. “I’m gonna find the bathroom. See you cunts later.” She shoots me one know-it-all look before turning around and disappearing into the crowd.

“Does it?”

“What?” I take a sip of my Jungle Juice and bring my attention back to Cole. He smells like sweat and musk.

“Does alcohol make people do things they wouldn’t?”

“I think it makes people do things they shouldn’t.”

“Shouldn’t or couldn’t?”

My tongue darts over my lips. “Maybe it’s both.”

“To doing things you shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t.” He throws back the shot and so do I.

I giggle when I finish and hand him the little plastic cup. Glancing around the crowd, my eyes connect with the ones that haunt me. I blink in shock and they’re gone, but I swore I saw them. I’m high. We smoked too much before we left. I need air, water, or maybe both.

“Ashland?” Cole asks, looking in the direction I’m staring. He said something before that, but I can’t even laugh it off.

“I’ve gotta go to the bathroom. Check on Penny. I’ll be back.” I dart away before he can offer to go with me.

I’m being ridiculous, but as I push my way through the crowd it feels like I’m running for my life. I try to calm down, but the music is so loud and the people are packed in so tight, that I feel like I’m suffocating. The crowd is fucking endless. Tears are threatening to fall, and it’s just fucking embarrassing. You don’t want to be the drunk girl crying at the party. My breaths are shallow and my hands are shaking.

I’m slamming into people left and right, spilling their drinks. I grab one from someone and chug it. I don’t care. I just need something. I shove my way past someone who grabs me and drags me back. A large hand grips my chin forcing me to look up. I shut my eyes tight, telling myself this isn’t happening. My heart is pounding in my ears and the voice sounds like it’s underwater.

“Look at me, Ashland.”

The words are the same but it’s not him . I suck in a deep breath, trying to count and force my eyes open. Koda’s coal black ones stare into mine hesitantly. His grip on my chin is bruising, his fingertips digging into my cheeks. I’m shaking like a leaf. I’m sure he’s getting a sick satisfaction out of it.

“Did something happen?” He looks around the party quickly, returning his gaze back to mine.

I open my mouth to say something witty, but nothing comes out. He takes a deep breath and places one hand on the back of my neck and the other on the small of my back. Without a word, he starts ushering me through the crowd, barking at people to get out of the way until we’re in a hallway where the crowd isn’t as thick.

He doesn’t let me go. Instead he shoves open a door and pushes me inside, slamming it behind him. We’re in someone’s bedroom. It’s relatively tidy. There’s a school banner on the wall and a few medals and trophies.

“Did someone hurt you?” he demands.

I’m out of focus. I just keep seeing those eyes on the street, then again in the crowd of this stupid party, and I see them staring out of my sketchpad at me. The fear has me in a chokehold. I’m about to explode.

“I didn’t ask for your goddamn help. What do you think you are? A knight in shining fucking armor, Armory ? You’re just some self absorbed dipshit who thinks he’s better than everyone else. I bet your dad is a prick, just like you.”

There’s a stinging sensation on my cheek bringing me back to reality, like someone who stretched a rubber band too far and it snapped. I moan. Koda slapped me across the face and I moaned, not in agony but in the embarrassing way that screams slut. I’ve been hit so many times in my short worthless life. The touch is so violent, so comforting , that it makes arousal pool between my thighs. Tears I didn’t realize were running down my cheeks immediately cease.

I stare at him with wide fearful eyes. I’m a fucking train wreck, losing my shit, and I moaned like a goddamn psychopath at this guy I hate for no tangible reason. He doesn’t look horrified or apologetic. Instead he smirks and bites his lip. I see something dark residing deep inside of Koda. His eyes are locked on mine as he pulls his hand away, then brings it down for another smack. This time he rubs his palm over the bruised flesh.

“You like that?”

I close my eyes. It’s been a really long time since someone even remotely made me feel this way. I’m spiraling. Penny doesn’t understand what I need right now. Freshman year really fucked her up and if she heard me right now she wouldn’t be happy. She would drag me out and immediately put me in therapy.

“Yes.”

“What about this?” he shoves me against the wall, his hand circling my neck and squeezing. The moan that escapes me is more than embarrassing, and I see the devil that resides in Koda. He can call me a slut all he wants, but he is lying to himself if he thinks he means it.

“Harder,” I whisper. He crushes my windpipe until it feels like I might pass out. His body traps mine on the wall, pressing up against me.

“What about this?” he breathes in my ear. He reaches up with his free hand and threads his fingers into my hair at the nape of my neck.

I can’t even react, nor can I move. My clit pulses between my legs, and I feel myself gushing. Do I hate this jackass? With a fiery passion. And that’s dangerous. I want to fuck him, and I want it to hurt.

He crushes his lips to mine, and I taste darkness. Punishment. It’s like ripe plums. More reasons to hate him. His big body presses against mine while he kisses me in a way that steals my breath away. His tongue dominates mine, and I fight it because it’s what I like. I want him to force me to submit.

Koda pulls away, and I see a beast in his eyes. He closes them, setting his forehead against the wall over me. His hands travel down my body and squeeze my ass in a bruising grip.

“Fuck,” he groans. “I hate you.”

The sexual frustration is already threatening to make me explode. I should go. This is so wrong on so many levels. I try to extract myself from under him, already angry at the way I feel ashamed.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Koda grabs my neck and slams my back against the wall. He’s a man possessed. I moan again involuntarily, and for the millionth time in my life I wish I wasn’t fucking like this.

“I asked you a question, slut,” he growls in my face then lets me go. That one word that sends shivers of need directly down my spine.

I’m having an internal war, and I can see that he is, too. Just once shouldn’t be that bad. I’m in a spiral, and I need an out. It’s not like I’m unable to control myself. I’m in charge of my own body. After this, I can even pretend to be mad at Alexi for the Stacy fiasco after getting me here, and he’ll back off.

I whimper.

Koda looks like such a goddamn know-it-all. “You really are a slut. I knew it when I saw you that day. Then you opened your fucking mouth.” He crowds me.

His hand slides to the front of the bottom of my makeshift dress and slowly travels up my thigh. I’m dripping wet. At any moment he’s going to know. I want this. I really do. The pain will replace the terror, and he’s willing to dole it out. Koda is clearly not afraid to give me what I need. I’m a grown woman. I should take what I want. My old therapist would be concerned, but she’s not here. She’s long gone.

His fingers are inching closer and closer.

I’m sweating like a whore in church, and my entire body is shaking. Just one inch and I’ll feel his fingers gently caress my pussy, or maybe he’ll dig into me. I can rub myself against his hand and soak my underwear before he thrusts inside of me. It would feel so fucking good.

His fingers pause. They don’t move closer, but they don’t recede. He studies me again. My heart is pounding so hard that I can’t think straight.

“We shouldn’t do this,” I say, the words finally breaking free from their chains, but they’re empty.

“We shouldn’t,” he agrees, but there’s no heart behind it.

I suck in a breath. “You just…”

“It’s just the one time.” His moral compass must be spinning out of control.

The devil wins again. “Just the once. Then we never speak again.”

“Perfect.”

Somewhere inside of me the regret and shame are lying in wait, but it’s easy to ignore when the scent of Koda is encompassing me and drawing me in. He smells intoxicating, like hate and sex. The room is shrouded in darkness. At least I won’t have to be confronted by my bad decisions.

I grab the collar of his shirt and yank his lips to mine. His tongue prods the seam of my lips forcefully. I take his hands and guide one up to my neck. He wraps his fingers around it, just below my jaw and impulsively squeezes. I whimper, the blood already rushing to my head. My chest rises and falls and I’m light headed.

My fingers tangle in his hair and I hop up. His palm smacks my ass as my legs wrap around his waist. He squeezes me against the wall and steals the breath from my lungs, choking me so hard that I see black dots. I need him inside of me or I’ll scream. My fingers fumble for his zipper and he takes my wrist, slamming it against the wall.

“No,” he growls.

I moan. I’m starving for him to fill me up. I’ve gone over the edge, scrapped my common sense, and now I’m going to reap the benefits and wash down the shame with more sex. He unzips his jeans and slides them down his hips enough to spring him free. His cock is truly magnificent. The veins pulse up his thick shaft and end at a pronounced head. He’s going to stretch me so so good.

He rubs his palm back and forth over my underwear. “You’re fucking dripping, Ashland. Are you gonna be a good girl and soak my cock?”

I nod enthusiastically. He uses his fingers to push the fabric into me before forcing me to stand.

“Take them off,” he commands.

I slide them down around my ankles and step out of them. Using both of his large hands, he grips my ass and lifts me back against the wall.

“Good girl,” he purrs into my ear. “Do you want your reward?” I shudder and my hips buck.

He tsks. “So impatient. Here, Have it.” I feel the head as it stretches me. I can’t help the sound that comes from my body. His hand clamps over my mouth. “Shut up.”

He shoves into me without warning, his palm silencing me.

“Goddamn. You’re so fucking tight.”

I’m aware that he isn’t wearing a condom and that I have no idea what his history is. I have a few guesses. All I can do is breathe through my nose and moan into his hand. He knocks his forehead against the wall next to my ear as I adjust and whine.

“Suck." He shoves his fingers into my mouth, pushing them down my throat until I gag. I bite him out of some idiotic defiance.

“Bad girl." He rears his hand back and smacks me across the face. I almost come. “Maybe you need some motivation.”

His hips move, sliding out to the head. He teases me with his tip, and I can’t help but beg. “Fuck, fuck, please.”

“Please, what?”

I can’t answer. All I can do is groan in frustration.

“Do you want me to fill you up?”

Oh, fuck. I nod my head furiously. “Yes, Chance.”

He slaps me again. “Say ‘Koda, please fill me up’.”

“Ko-Koda p-please fill me up."

“Good girl." He pushes back inside of me. I can feel the resistance as he stretches me again. The friction is almost too much, and his praise is making me weak.

I toss my head back and whine. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.”

He painfully grabs my jaw and forces me to look at him. “You don’t come until I fucking say you do, bitch.”

“I-I can’t.” I grit my teeth and moan in pain. Sweat is beading on my forehead with my effort to focus.

“You want to be my good girl, don’t you, Ashland?”

You wanna be my good girl, don’t you, Ashland?

I heard that sentence thousands of times and my answer right now isn’t any different. I nod and feel tears well up.

“Say it,” he growls.

“I w-want to be your g-good g-girl,” I cry.

“That’s right, baby girl.” His fingers brush away my tears.

Baby girl.

His lips capture mine before trailing down my jaw. His teeth nip at my shoulder at the base of my neck. I moan, trying to hold back. I can feel the ghost of his smile over my skin. I’m convinced that he is the devil sent to torture me. I drag my nails down his back and he groans, releasing me. While he slams into me ferociously, I cry harder. His hungry eyes bore into me, challenging me to defy him.

“I can feel you getting tighter. Don’t. Fucking. Come.”

It sounds like someone is killing me. If this party wasn’t so loud someone would have called the police for domestic violence by now.

“I’m not. I’m not,” I plead.

“Goddamn.” He seats himself inside of me. “You’re doing so good, baby girl,” he praises, brushing the sweaty locks of hair from my face. “You’re going to come now, okay? Can you do that for me?”

I nod enthusiastically. He starts to pump in and out, and I can feel the orgasm already building. He pounds into me, and the sound of wet slapping fills the room. My eyes roll back into my head as the orgasm slams into me. As soon as my pussy clamps down on him, he slides his arms under mine and grips me, biting down onto my shoulder.

I’m pretty sure I move straight into a second orgasm as he unloads inside of me. It shouldn’t feel this good. I should have demanded a condom at the very least. I didn’t even try to get him to pull out. I can feel the heat, whimpering as he finishes. We’re a mess of sweat and tears, and we reek of sex. Koda pulls out, his cum drips down my between my legs.

“Fuck. I’ll get you a plan B,” he says angrily, like it’s my fault he had no self-control. He shoves his dick back in his jeans and buttons them.

“Don’t bother. I’ve got an IUD. Gotta go.”

“Leaving already?” He looks at me like a hunter who found his prey.

I feel sick. The shame heats my cheeks. Disappointment whispers into my soul. I already feel the need to have it all again drowning me.

“I fucking hate you, Chance.” I tear out of the room before I can hear whatever shitty response he’s going to come up with. It’s misdirected, but I don’t really give a shit.

On my way through the crowd I accidentally run into Alexi.

“Hey there. I was just looking for you." He has a lazy grin on his face with messy hair.

“I hope you had fun with Stacy,” I snap, running away as fast as I can.

The front lawn is packed when I make it out. I pull out my phone to a series of texts from Penny.

Where are you?

Alexi is looking for you followed by side eye emojis.

Are you alive?

This party is massive

Cole can’t find you

Did you Irish goodbye me?

I swear to God.

I send my response just before my phone powers down.

Went home. Have fun with a few party pop emojis.

I take a deep breath and start to sprint. I hate running, but I forgot how good it feels. Heading towards the safety of my haven with Penny is a rush. By the time I get home my mind is clear. I plug my phone in and get into the shower, washing the insanity of the night away. Once I’m in my sweatpants and settled into my bed, I check my phone. I have a response from Penny.

Hot football boy took me to get pizza. Won’t be home.

I smile. I’m glad she had a good night and that it didn’t end with fucking Vale. I respond.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do

It feels like I'm moving in slow motion. I reach over and grab my sketchpad.

“You wanna be my good girl, don’t you, Ashland?” Some guy I’ve seen a few times, Adam, asks. His body traps mine against the hardwood floor.

I don’t see him anywhere. He’s started leaving me alone, and then his men come. I’m confused. They aren’t supposed to address me, and I’m not supposed to look at them. I’m supposed to cry and fight, but not too much, and only if he’s here. But if I refuse them they’ll tell him lies, and he doesn’t care if they’re true or not. Most of the time anyways. If he finds out, he’s going to get upset.

The tears flow and Adam grabs my face, his fingers digging into my cheeks. “I asked you a goddamn question, Ashland .”

“Please,” I sob.

“I don’t know what he fucking sees in you. You owe me this for putting up with his shit. He won’t be here much longer anyways, then you’ll be mine.”

His hot breath smells like tuna. I wanna wretch.

“What did you just say?” The devil himself is standing in the doorway, his voice light and airy .

“She was in here touching herself." Adam jumps up, adjusting his dick. “She started coming onto me. Told me to call her…to…”

“Go ahead. Say it.” He looks bored, but I know that look. I crawl backward as fast as I can, begging the wall to absorb me when I feel the cool plaster on my skin.

Adam clears his throat and straightens his shoulders. “She asked me to call her Ashland.”

He shuts the door carefully and pulls out his knife. His gait is slow and confident, bouncing on his heels as he approaches me. He crouches down to my level. I’m shaking like a fucking leaf as the tip of the knife digs into my chin.

“Look at me.”

I obey his command immediately, starting to cry again.

“Is this true, baby girl? Were you touching yourself without my permission? Did you ask him to help you? To call you Ashland?”

I know not to call his men liars, but I also know that I’ll lose a star or two if he thinks what they’re saying is true and I don’t defend myself somehow. All I can do is cry harder, like a fucking coward. He didn’t want an answer anyways.

He tilts his head, using his thumb to wipe away my tears and sucks them off.

“Do you know what tears taste like, Adam?”

“No, sir,” Adam responds.

He pulls the knife from my throat and uses it to wave Adam over. “Taste them.”

Adam looks uneasy as he watches him collect my tears on the sharpened silver. It glistens in the light as he holds it out.

“Go on,” he encourages. Adam licks it quickly. “No, no, no,” he chuckles. “Really savor it.”

Adam licks the edge of the blade.

“What do you taste?” he asks.

“I don’t know, sir.”

He stands up, looming over Adam whose throat bobs when he swallows. “Fear, Adam. That tastes like fucking fear.”

“Yes, sir,” Adam’s voice shakes.

“And do you know what I smell?” he begins to sneer.

“No, sir,” Adam stammers.

“I’ll tell you. I smell lies.”

I’m relieved as much as I’m terrified. It’s too late for Adam, though.

“Boys!” he calls. “Hold him. We’re going to set an example tonight.”

Two men who are dressed like they are in a militia come in. I recognize them. Jordy and Marky. They fuck with me sometimes, but he uses me as a reward to keep them in line. Not the good kind. Marky holds Adam down, not batting an eye.

“Hold his mouth open,” he commands. They do as they’re told like good little soldiers.

He reaches in, grabbing Adam’s tongue, and cuts it off. It’s not quick, and he doesn’t want it to be. He runs the knife back and forth, cutting the muscle in half recklessly while Adam screams. The screams don’t even bother me, neither does the blood. It’s the sound of the flesh that I find grotesque. He looks beautiful as he works. It used to scare me, but now it makes me feel safe. He’s protecting me like he said he would.

When he finishes, he drops the tongue into Marky’s outstretched hand. Adam’s chest rises and falls quickly while blood pours from his mouth.

“Take him to the doctor.”

They obey, dragging Adam out by his arms and slamming the door shut behind them. He examines the knife and glances at me. "Did you like that, baby girl?"

“Yes,” I whisper.

“Come here.” I scramble to my feet and trip over to where he stands. He takes my chin between his bloody fingers and forces me to look at him.

“I told you that I would take care of you.” His voice is cold and my stomach drops. Somehow I missed something. His fingers dig into my chin. I’ve done something wrong. “So why were you crying for him? Why would you be scared if you believe what I fucking said?”

I start to cry, sob, actually. The tears blind me. He brings his nose to mine.

“That’s it, baby girl. Only I should make you cry like this.” He releases me, shoving me to the floor.

On his way to the door he pauses. “You know, I thought we were past this. I thought you were done breaking my heart.”

I wail as he rips another star down from the ceiling. The sick part is that I’m not even upset about the star. I’m mad he’s leaving me again to do whatever it is that he does. He told me he’s really important and that he has important things to do. He said if he could stay with me all of the time he would, but he can’t. He says I’m lucky that he couldn’t resist falling in love with me.

His love isn't limitless, though. Nothing is limitless.

The first time I counted the stars there were one hundred and fifty-three. After tonight there will only be sixty-two left.

I look down at my sketchbook, having been lost in the memory. Instead of drawing those cold amber eyes, I draw angry coal black ones.