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Chapter Seventeen

Koda

Cole dropped the charges against me immediately. It didn’t matter that I hit him first. He said it was mutual, and that I shouldn’t be held responsible. I don’t know why he would do that other than to please Ashland. There isn’t an ounce of regret inside of me for what I did. Luckily, the media didn’t get a hold of it. Coach was pissed, but we’re in the playoffs so he didn’t make me sit out. There were no pictures or videos that could be leaked. Maybe word of mouth, but everyone that was there is a huge football fan and people fighting at a party isn’t really surprising. My hand was fucked up though.

“You alive in here?” Alexi stands in the doorway.

I pull my headphones off. “What?”

My place is in a state of disrepair, and I think he’s pretty fucking close to calling our mom.

“Just wanted to chill or something.” He shrugs and sits on the floor next to me, pulling out his phone and scrolling. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nothing to say.” Except there is. There’s a lot. I’m still trying to digest it all.

“I’m gonna level with you, bro. You’re not well.”

“What would make you think that?” I say rhetorically.

“Hm. You put your fist through your wall, then left it that way. You got in a fight with Cole at a party where you went to fucking jail. Your clothes are everywhere. There are dishes in the sink. At least they’re clean, but they never made it to the dishwasher. Mom fucking called me asking why you’re upset.”

I rake my hands through my hair. “I should've known she would know.”

Our adopted mom has always been a self-proclaimed psychic. When we were younger we tried to keep it quiet. It’s kind of embarrassing when your mom is telling people that their dead sister is actually their mother, or when she says shit about the most embarrassing thing they did as kids and how it’s okay. Then they look at us as if we somehow told her intimate details of their lives that we weren’t even around for. I don’t believe in supernatural shit, but I believe that my mom has some sort of ability.

“You miss Ashland.”

“I don’t.” It’s a bold faced lie.

“Why can’t you just admit that you like her? Is it your stupid ESPN fantasy?”

“No.”

“Then fucking why, man? Ashland is perfect for you. She takes your shit and gives it back ten times more. You don’t scare her. She doesn’t give a fuck about anyone’s status. I mean, she pressed your buttons in ways I would have been terrified to do. We flew back here for her over Thanksgiving break and suddenly you two aren’t speaking. You avoid each other. She isn’t even talking to Cole.”

That gets my attention. “She isn’t?”

“No. Penny said that Ashland isn’t even drinking coffee that way she can avoid him. You attacked him at that party, and she fucking bailed you out of jail. I heard her argue with Penny about it that night. Argue. They were shouting. We’re concerned about you both.”

“What do you mean we?”

“Me and Penny, dude. You’re my brother, and Ashland and Penny are even closer than that. Penny invited me to movie night last week, and Ashland was so fucking quiet. I know she’s having a hard time with this, too. She just clutched her sketch book and drew silently during the entire thing. The second the credits began to roll she went straight to bed.”

Ashland being quiet is so much worse than Ashland speaking. Could she possibly miss me? Her words echo in my mind. We are nothing alike. We never will be. We’re nothing.

I didn’t want her to walk away the other night, and I didn’t want her to leave the morning that we fought. It wasn’t because she had been taken advantage of at that party, although that was heavy on my mind, but I didn’t want her to go. Somehow I managed to say all of the wrong things. It’s not like I went after her either. I didn’t even deny that she was a pocket pussy, and none of that was even true. Cole had been wrong, and I didn’t even counter it like a fucking idiot.

“So are you going to apologize?” Alexi looks at me pointedly.

“For what?”

“I don’t know, but you’ve got to do something.”

My jaw tenses. “She doesn’t want to see me, Alexi. I already told you. You heard her at that party. Ashland doesn’t say shit that she doesn’t mean. You didn’t hear her after she bailed me out.”

“Ashland says what she’s thinking. She says exactly how she feels in that moment. That doesn’t mean it’s what’s going on in her actual mind. She bailed you out, and she could have ignored the entire thing and left you there to rot.”

Her mind. Ashland’s mind; a dark twisted place. I’ve done my best not to psychoanalyze her. I gave up, but her art is the gateway to actually being able to do it. At first I thought she was impulsive. I thought that she just did whatever the fuck she wanted with no consideration. Now? I don’t think that’s it at all. I think maybe Ashland actually is tortured, and the only way to keep things straight is to be forward and honest. I fucked with that.

“She doesn’t want to see me, Alexi.”

“The Koda I know goes after what he wants. I guess you gotta figure out what that is.” Alexi gets up, gives me a small smile, and leaves. I hear the front door shut behind him.

What do I want? Ashland asked me that question, but she didn’t mean it the same way Alexi does.

I fucked up. That’s the only conclusion I keep coming to. I pull out the sketch she actually gave to me. In the sky are the stars, but theres also a planet, as if she can see the entire galaxy. I would believe it. Maybe it’s mercury because she thinks I’m hot, but she’s not that shallow. Could be Venus, because everything with us was about sex. Maybe Mars because she thinks I’m a fucking alien, or maybe just one to her. Not Uranus or Saturn because there aren’t any rings. Could be Neptune because I’m a cold asshole. Then it hits me. Jupiter. Jupiter because boys are stupider.

I pinch the bridge of my nose. She’s not fucking wrong. I think I might hate myself. Did I take advantage of her? She was so masochistic that I couldn’t help myself. I had never hit a girl before. She pulled things out of me that I always thought were the worst parts of myself, but Ashland acted like they were the best. Over the course of those few months with her I think I may have actually become a better person. I’m judgmental, that won’t go away, but less so. I couldn’t participate in those worthless social interactions at parties anymore, and I didn’t want to just go to some stupid party. Not without her. She would make me fucking laugh and work my mind, even in those times that we were pretending to hate each other.

Ashland is stubborn, and she never gave me everything I wanted. Any of the Stacy’s would just try to please me immediately. Ash would argue and bite back. She has strong opinions that usually don't match mine, and that was okay with her. She didn’t try to change me. She accepted me. The real parts of me. She saw me as a person and never as a football player or some unattainable trophy. Ash is an unapologetic brat in the best way. It doesn’t mean she can’t accept responsibility, in fact, I think she wishes that everything was her fault so she would have some modicum of control. We have a lot in common.

Those moments I did get to hold her in my arms the morning after the party were comparable to winning a championship. When I had brought her home she tossed and turned, murmuring while she was unconscious. I had never ever seen her sleep before besides the nap in the Jeep. She always left. I watched her the entire night, worried that whatever she was spiked with might make her overdose or something. She’s never taken drugs in front of me, and when they’ve been offered she vehemently refuses them. She smokes a lot of weed, but that’s not comparable.

People love Ashland. As much as she tries to hate everyone, they love her anyways. The only ones that don’t are just jealous of her or angry she isn’t giving them what they want. The way she cares about Penny is a testament to who she really is. What do I want? Ashland. I want her with all of the strings attached. I want to be present with her and worry about the future of it all later.

There is only one person on earth who could help me fix this.

The first thing I do is head to the Italian place in town and grab chicken alfredo with a few cannolis. You can always bribe people with food, especially the Cunts of the Century. Alexi was right, I know how to work hard. There aren’t a lot of ways to get Ashland’s attention, but a sure fire way is to get to her through Penny. Penny holds the keys to the fucking kingdom. I find her in one of the art rooms working on her sculpture. I have no fucking clue what it is.

She doesn’t even turn around, but her shoulders rise and fall with a sigh. “You can leave it in the chair over there.”

“I was hoping we could talk.”

“I’m sure you are, Chance.”

“Please, Penny.”

She glances at me over her shoulder and bites her lip. “Fuck it. I’m starving, and it’ll be fun to listen to you grovel.”

I don’t care if it’s demeaning. I’ll fucking take it. She comes over and sits down in a chair as I hand her the takeout box. She tears into the plastic silverware and starts stuffing her face.

“How’ve you been?” I ask.

“Is that really how you’re going to start this?”

“Right. Uh, how is Ashland?”

“Next.”

I readjust. “What is the sculpture going to be?”

“Judas.”

“Like Judas Priest?”

That makes her laugh and choke on her noodles. “No. Like Judas Iscariot the traitor to Jesus.”

“I forgot you’re religious.” I nod to the cross around her neck.

“I’m not. I just don’t like traitors.” She glares at me.

“I didn’t betray anyone,” I defend myself.

“I didn’t say it was about you, but if the shoe fits shove that bitch on, Cinderella.”

I look down at my hands and shake my head, laughing. “You’re right.”

“She should’ve left you in jail.”

I look up over my nose. “Why didn’t she?”

She stabs her fork into a meatball. “I don’t know.”

“Come on. You’re her best friend. You know.”

“Myth.” She swallows. “I know Ashland. She’s my best fucking friend, but I don’t know every single thing that goes through her mind. She’s her own person, not like you understand that. I could make a million guesses, but they might all be wrong. I don’t know every rhyme to her melodies, and I’m not going to make her explain them to me.”

“Can I admit something that’s going to make you hate me?”

“Already do but go for it.”

I warily pick up my bag and pull out the stolen sketchbook.

She’s unimpressed. “You decided to pick up art? What? She’s your Mona Lisa now?”

I flip open to the first page and hand it to her. She looks it over and smiles. “Did she leave this at your place?”

“No. It’s the one she lost. I took it.”

That makes Penny frown. “Start explaining before I slit your fucking throat and use your head for Judas. I’m not kidding. There are things that are far worse than prison.”

“It was impulsive. I don’t really know why I did it. I only ever looked at the first page before I stopped myself. I knew…I know it was wrong. After Ashland bailed me out of jail—”

“Which she shouldn’t have,” Penny interrupts.

People always say angels are beautiful but from what I know about the Bible, they’re terrifying. That’s Penny right now. Staring me down with the wrath of God.

“I looked at it. Then I couldn’t stop. I know I fucked up.”

“You told her she was a pocket pussy,” Penny seethes.

“I didn’t say that. Cole did. I just didn’t say what she needed to hear to make her stay. I should have told her she was more than that.”

“Continue.”

“So I looked through it because I fucking miss her. And…Can I see it?” I reach my hand out.

At first she clutches it, but eventually she concedes.

“How would you describe Ashland?” I ask.

“Perfect. Worthy of people giving a fuck about her and the feelings she pretends she doesn’t feel. What about you?”

“Honest. It was what you told me that day when I said she was abrasive.”

“Well, that’s a given.”

I flip to the eyes. “Who is this?”

She keeps her mouth shut. So I flip to the page of the girl with chains and hold it up. “What is this?”

Her eyes roll over the page, darting all around. Her breathing speeds up, her chest rising and falling with anxiety or fear. She swallows. “Art.”

I move on, stopping on the page of stars that she has tattooed. “She has this tattooed on her arm.”

“So?” There’s a warning in her tone.

“Do you know why?”

“Why what?”

“Why she drew them? Why she tattooed them? Why they’re angry?” I flip to the happy one. “Why these are happy? And why is the other so fucking empty? Why does one have nineteen and the others have twenty?”

She crosses her arms and sits back in the chair, pulling out her phone. Her fingers type furiously. I want to stop her, but it’s not my place. Not at all. When she’s done, she takes a deep breath through her nose and blows it out through her mouth. She sticks her hand out, and I give her the book. As she thumbs through the pages, she mutters to herself. She shakes her head, giggles, rolls her eyes, and even looks devastated before glancing up.

“These are of you.”

“It appears so.” I reach into my pocket and pull out the folded sketch. The one she gave me the night that I gave her the new sketch book, and I hand it to her.

She raises her eyebrows. “Steal this, too?”

“She gave it to me.”

Penny drops the pad in her lap and snatches it out of my hands, pouring over the page. Then she laughs.

“I know,” I sigh. “Jupiter. It took me way too long to figure it out.”

“So you started learning to speak Ashland?”

“I guess so.”

“She doesn’t give people this stuff. Ever.”

“I fucked up, Penny.”

“I’ll fucking say,” she laughs. “No wonder she’s so pissed off.”

“What do you mean? Alexi said she’s been quiet.”

“Quiet equals pissed. Loud equals everything else.”

“How can I fix this?”

“What exactly do you want me to do, Koda? I don’t tell Ashland what to do. You brought me food. Great. Even an idiot like Cole knows to do that. What you don’t understand is that I see this for what it is. You’re trying to use me to get to Ash. I’ll reap the benefits. I have no problem doing that. Bring me food every single day, but it’s not going to change your circumstances with her. At this point, if she even thought for one second that you were trying to use me, she might kill you, and it won’t be while you’re asleep, Koda. It will be while you’re awake.”

Two strikes for idiot and zero for having a fucking brain. She’s right. I am trying to use her.

“I respect you, Penny. I don’t want to use you. I didn’t see it that way. I’m sorry.”

She gives me an impressed look. “Well, look at that. Koda Armory does, in fact, know how to apologize.”

“I guess I should apologize to her.” I shove my face in my hands.

“Oh no,” she giggles. “Do not fucking do that.”

“I don’t know what to do. Every time I think about it or do something, it’s the wrong thing. I fucking miss her. I miss her so fucking much that it hurts. I tried not to.”

I’ve finally admitted it out loud.

“Oh, I’m aware of the Stephanie situation. Don’t worry.”

Penny said her fucking name, too.

“You can’t tell me that she hasn’t tried to move on either.”

“I didn’t say that, but it’s a lot more complicated than your feeble mind can understand.”

“Goddamn, you really are a cunt.”

A smile blossoms on her face. “Now you’re on the right track.”

Cunt. Cunts of the Century. Another strike for stupid. I start to stand up to gather my things and go straight over to her house.

“No, wrong track. Veer back on. Right now is not the time. She’s got finals, and we only have two weeks before I leave. You’re not fucking with that.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?”

She gives me a sad look. “I don’t know what to tell you. Almost nothing hurts Ashland’s feelings, and you hurt them. Like, you really hurt them. I’ve never even done that.”

“You’ve never hurt Ashland’s feelings?”

“Nope.”

“That’s impossible.”

“It’s entirely possible. I mean, believe me, I tried, but the circumstances were different. You forced her to listen to you. You made her feel feelings, which is like kryptonite, and then you stabbed them. Even her ex didn’t do that,” she snorts.

A weird jealous panic tears through my chest. “Whose her ex?”

“Do you see him here?”

“No.”

“Then it’s irrelevant.”

“Did she leave him, too?”

Penny rolls her eyes and settles into her chair, swiping her hair out of her face. “That’s not what I would call it, but they did break up. Before you ask, no, it wasn’t because he made her feel feelings, then called her a pocket pussy, then punched Cole in the face, and then got bailed out of jail. Well, the jail part, but that was different and unrelated.”

“She bailed him out of jail?”

“Yeah. Said she’d never fucking do it again, and there she was picking you up, even though it was really triggering for her.”

I once again made things difficult even when I didn’t mean to. “What did she tell you about us?”

“Almost everything.”

“Did she tell you I flew back over Thanksgiving to be with her?”

I don’t want to tell Penny about Ashland getting drugged. She was stressed, afraid that I had called her that morning, and I’m not about to betray her now.

“She left that part out.”

“She didn’t ask me to. It’s not like that. I wanted to do it, and she didn’t know until I was already here. We were on my couch, and she was upset. Then she left. She told me we were over, and she left. I asked her not to.”

“‘Don’t walk out of that door’ isn’t really an ask,” Penny points out.

“If I had gone after her then she would have been mad.”

“Probably not.”

“She would have punched me,” I reason.

“Maybe your face, but not your heart.”

“I like her, Penny.”

She shrugs. “Happens. Life sucks, then you die.”

I don’t even know what to make of that. “How do I make her forgive me?”

“Making her do shit is what landed you here in the first place. Personally, I say you do nothing. Even if you did manage to get her forgiveness, you’ll just hurt her all over again when you break up.”

“Why would we break up?”

Penny sighs dramatically like she’s explaining something to a child. She flips to a blank page in the sketch book and grabs a pencil.

“This is you.” She draws a circle. “This is Ashland.” She draws an X. “You are going this direction, and she is going this direction.” She draws two arrows squiggling away from each other. “You can intersect here, where we are right now, but we'll all graduate next year. Say you make it that far with her, which you probably won’t, but say you do. Then what? Your lines are still going other places at the end of the day. Ashland isn’t going to want to be some football wife. She doesn’t want to be a football girlfriend either. You do that five year plan bullshit, I’m surprised you haven’t thought about this. You’d have to be obsessively in love with her and willing to change your entire life to follow her. Even then it might not work.”

I like Ashland. I do, but love? A whole life with her? I wasn’t thinking that far.

“I’m being selfish,” I realize.

“Precisely. I know it sucks, Koda. Breaking up isn’t fun for anyone involved. Sure, maybe she’ll take your sorry ass back, but Ashland is probably going to leave you again. Take the heartbreak now, or take it later. Next time it’s gonna hurt her less and you more. I don’t like you right now, but I only wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy. Understand?”

“Loud and clear.” I gather my things, including Ashland’s sketch book. Penny doesn’t stop me. I head for the door, but I stop and return to the seat I vacated.

“More Ashland questions?” She tosses the empty takeout into the trash bin and returns to her sculpture.

I may not be involved with her, but I don’t want to see her hurt anymore than I do. Ashland isn’t my enemy. Not anymore. That night she was drugged still haunts me, and just because we’re on a campus doesn’t make it safe. I remember the way Ash braved that storm for Penny, and if I’m not going to be there for her, I can make sure her best friend is. I can control that.

“Actually, no. I’ll walk you home when you’re done here. Neither of you should be alone this late at night.”

Penny gives me a hesitant look. “Alright. I listen to loud music though.”

“Ashland made me the perfect playlist.” I grin, connecting to the Bluetooth.

The flute song comes through the speakers, and Penny starts laughing so hard that she cries. “An Ashland masterpiece.”

She grabs her tools and begins working. I watch as she chisels and smooths, takes a different direction, then changes it completely. Penny is fucking graceful, and she’s definitely talented. I don’t bother her, and she doesn’t say anything to me. We just listen to the shitty playlist. Once it hits one in the morning, I help her clean up. She’s covered in dust, almost looking like a moving statue.

We chit chat on our way to their house. Penny is pretty fucking funny, and she’s intelligent like Ashland. She asks questions about me and listens intently, driving herself to remember the answers. I’ve never been alone with her before. She’s a Cunt, but it’s in a different way than Ashland is. They’re so different, yet so alike. It makes me miss Ashland that much more.

When we get across the street from the little tan house, she puts her arm out, stopping me. “That’s far enough. Thank you for walking me home. It was nice of you.”

“Of course. If you ever need anything you can call me.” I shrug. “No obligations. No Ashland.”

She tilts her head. “Anything?”

“I guess I can’t take it back now, can I?”

“Nope. Goodnight, Koda.” She gives me a sympathetic smile, jogs across the street, then turns around and comes back. “Hey.”

I shove my hands in my pockets. “Sup?”

“I never told you thank you.”

“You just did.”

“Not that.” She thumbs her backpack awkwardly. “For being with Ashland. During the storm.”

“Oh,” I say in surprise. “Yeah. Don’t mention it.”

Penny squeezes my arm. “Night, Koda.”

She runs away, up their front steps. All of the lights in the house are on, and when she swings the door open there are shouts and screams.

“What are you fucking doing?” Penny screeches, rushing inside. “That’s my fucking dress!”

It slams behind her. There are shadows against the curtain in Ashland’s bedroom. I wish I could see inside. Is she in there alone, locked away from the chaos that I could hear inside? Is her door wide open? Is she a part of it? She’s a part of it. There would be no way that she isn’t.

I made a mistake, and I can own up to it. I’ve already lost all control of myself. Penny has a point though. Multiple points. We’re toxic. I don’t think Ash would agree to talk to me anymore. Sex, maybe, but nothing more. I don’t think I can deal with that. Those moments are the ones I liked the most. When she played the stupid song in the car, or when we watched Barbie. Seeing her at the tattoo shop with Prince. When she called the stars rocks. Even when she piled the car full of laundry with Penny and they laughed so hard they almost lost consciousness.

I need to use this weird pain and focus on the Championship, then I can go home for a minute, clear my head, and figure out how to dull it. There’s plenty of conversation happening about me going pro instead of playing my senior year. Maybe I should.