Page 33

Chapter Thirty

Ashland, Three Months Later

Koda stands in the hall outside of my hospital room with his arms crossed looking down at the doctor. He’s wearing a flat billed hat backwards with his sandy blonde hair peeking out of the sides. He’s in sweatpants that hang around his hips, and his muscles flex through shirt. I see his jaw tick in irritation. This is my favorite version of Koda. I’ve seen it a few times before, and it makes me fucking weak.

The doctor is speaking, and he doesn’t nod. Not once. Whatever the doctor is saying is unacceptable in his opinion, which I’ve learned is pretty specific. By now I would have rolled over and just let them do whatever they thought was best. Turns out my best is most people’s bare minimum.

Handing over the control lifted a weight from my shoulders. I want to hate it, but I don’t have it in me. Koda’s attention feels good, and I want to hate that, too. He already left me once. Who’s to say he won’t do it again? The words he said the night I woke up drift through my lucid thoughts. There’s something gentle in Koda. The way he has been taking care of me is beyond what I could imagine. It’s the second nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

After Koda shoved his way back into my life, Penny and I spoke to Jeremy. We are officially Ashland and Penny, people who aren’t running, but living. It’s a new feeling. It’s unfamiliar. Most people would say the morning after they escaped the nightmare I had been living in with Damien all those years ago would feel like being reborn, but it didn’t. The next one didn’t either. It was a slow agonizing journey to be glad to even wake up. This feels different though. Freeing in a way I haven’t been before. It’s all still there. All of that trauma doesn’t go away, and anxiety is permanently etched into my brain chemistry, but there are pieces of myself that have awoken. I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel it and that’s enough.

“He really doesn’t take any shit,” Sinclair says. He settles into the bed next to me and offers me his open bag of chips.

“No, he doesn’t.” I take it, and when I look inside there are only crumbs. “What the fuck, Knoxy?”

He gives me a mischievous grin. “It’s my job, as your little brother, to piss you off.”

“Don’t you have some songs to sing in front of your worshipers.” I roll my eyes, crumbling the bag into a ball.

He’s been visiting every other weekend driving me insane. He’s brought Penny with him a few times, but I insisted that she go back to her internship and focus for the rest of the summer. I’m past the point of immediate death. Anything else will be slow. I think she only listened because Koda and Alexi have been up my ass.

“Fuck those twats. They can’t appreciate a perfect rendition of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’.”

I lean my head on his shoulder, watching Koda try to calmly explain something to the doctor.

“I think we’re going to write a new album,” he informs me.

“Please don’t do a drum solo to my death.”

He laughs. “I don’t want to leave you, Yinny.”

“You can’t just stop your life because of three minutes. I’ll recover. I’ll be fine. Still mentally tortured and emotionally stunted, but I’ll be fine.”

“Do you think you…Could we…See each other more?” The words rush out of his mouth, and I know they had to be difficult.

“Feed me, Yinny. Hold my hand, Yinny. Live, Yinny. Tell the handball players I’m going to kill them, Yinny,” I mock his accent. “You sure are always full of requests. It’s a wonder I’ve ever gotten anything done.”

He cackles, holding my hand in his fucking grubby one. “Those are all perfectly acceptable requests.”

“How do you expect me to coordinate my chaotic life with your insane one? It took me dying to get us in the same country.”

“I already worked it out with your personal assistant.” He nods at Koda.

“You did?” I glance back at him. His jaw is becoming tighter and tighter the longer the doctor speaks. If he still has molars after everything that has happened I’ll be surprised.

“Said there’s plenty of room, and that I’m welcome to stay whenever I want.”

“Koda’s condo only has one bedroom, that way Alexi won’t stay.”

“Right.” He pats my leg.

I’m too tired to care that Koda is coordinating my life. Honestly, since the moment I woke up he has let me be fucking tired. He has taken care of everything. I’m not used to it, and it puts my stomach in knots, but I just keep telling myself I’ll deal with it all later, mostly because Penny and Sinclair are supporting him. Leaning on others isn’t my strong suit, and recently I’ve had no choice.

After his touching confession over the pudding, I decided that I should get to feel like this at least once in my life. When I’m better I can start over and lock Koda away somewhere if I can find some space inside of me. He said he loved me and that he would take care of me, but those promises only go so far when you’re a difficult cunt like me. Just because I died doesn’t mean I woke up magically knowing what I want when it comes to my future.

“Alright.” Koda comes into the room in a frenzy with Alexi on his heels. I never knew he was so fucking picky, but I should have. “The doctor said we can go, but we have appointments with a few specialists just to make sure you’re recovering normally.”

“Is this going to last forever,” I groan.

“You were fucking shot,” he says seriously.

“People are shot every single day.”

“And a lot of them don’t live,” Sinclair says cheerily.

“For your birthday I’m getting you a shirt that says ‘I’m with Stupid’,” I glare. “I’m fine. Just tell them I’ll go, and then I can not do that.”

“You’re going, and I’ll take you,” Koda tells me.

“I’d rather you not,” I mumble. I scoot my legs off the side of the bed and start to push myself off. Koda hovers over me like I’m a toddler walking for the first time.

“I can fucking do it,” I growl, my ass right on the edge.

He holds his hands up and backs away. “Go for it.”

“Wait,” Alexi tries to intervene.

“No, let her. She’s all ‘I’m a bad bitch’ so let her.”

Sinclair’s eyes glitter with amusement. I stare at the ground. I’m not a baby deer, but I have my moments. This might be one of those moments because I didn’t stretch today. Koda has always managed to be close by, pretending that he isn’t helping me that way I’ll let him when I need it. This is intimidating, but now I’ve been such a bitch about it that I’m gonna have to do it on my own.

“Having second thoughts?” Koda smirks.

Fuck him. I push off and feel the wounds in my abdomen stretch. Pain shoots through my thigh. Before I know it I’m wobbling, about to go down. I just need to walk it out then I’ll be fine. Koda’s arm slips around me in record time, taking the pressure off of my leg. He doesn’t say one word. It’s like he’s finally figured out when to keep his mouth shut. He sits me back on the bed. I look up into sage green eyes, and I can see concern. It’s been there for weeks, but it still surprises me. I hold my hand over my middle, waiting for the uncomfortable spasms to subside.

“You’re fast,” Alexi laughs, pretending he wasn’t lunging at me like a father with their newborn five seconds ago.

Sinclair chuckles. “What did you think he would do? Let her fall and break a hip?”

“I’m not…a..fu-fucking…old lady.” I suck in breaths through my gritted teeth. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“How about you two pull my car around and then go grab us some food,” Koda suggests.

“Right. Come on, Sinclair. I’m picking the music.” Alexi tosses the keys in the air, leaving the room. He figured out immediately that Sinclair did not find his new nickname funny. He also realized that I’m the nice one and not as erratic as everyone thinks. Not compared to my little brother. Still, they’ve become what Alexi would consider friends. Alexi has that way about him.

“Want some of that piss poor barbecue?” Sinclair asks, backing away.

“Fuck no,” I balk. “Can you just get that thingy I had at that place where they painted that dollar store version of Jesus with the blood orphans?”

Sinclair squints his eyes for a second before they widen in understanding. “Got it.”

Koda quirks his eyebrow.

“Just fucking get me out of here.”

He nods, holding his arms back out.

“Stop treating me like a charity case,” I growl, digging my fingers into his arm as he slides the other under my shoulders. I limp over to the wheel chair, and he helps me into it. I hate this shit.

He grins like a fucking idiot.

“What?” I ask, exasperated.

“You’re eye level with my dick,” he chuckles.

“Fucking hell,” I groan. “Did a wheel chair blow job unlock a new kink for you? He bites his lip, but stays silent. “Get me out of here, asshole.”

“Yes ma’am.”

He wheels me out of the hospital, and while I glare at every bitch who is drooling at his presence, he completely ignores them, growling at people to get the fuck out of our way. It’s fucking embarrassing for everyone to see me this vulnerable. When Koda helps me up at the entrance, I lean on him while I kick the stupid wheel chair. No fucking more of that ever again. Next time, I’ll drag myself across the floor like a zombie before being put in one of those. He opens the door to a car I don’t recognize. It’s sleek, not that sports car shit he gave to me.

“Is this Sinclair’s rental?” I ask with confusion. This isn’t the sort of thing he would ever drive. Not reckless enough.

“I was worried you’d end up driving into a building.”

“So you bought a new car?”

“Told you I would.” He shrugs, closing the door in my face before I can ask more questions.

The windows are so dark that they could be considered blacked out. The interior is leather and smells brand new. He said he would do this, but I thought it was just metaphorical. He gets in, puts on my playlist, and starts to drive. That’s the moment it hits me. I don’t know where Penny and I live anymore. There is no way we would be going back to that house, and we never talked about it.

“Where are we going?” I ask when we pass the turn off to his condo.

He ignores me, so I fold my arms and lay my head against the window, watching the buildings turn into trees. Trees. I sit up analyzing the surroundings. We’re still on the river. It’s not far off campus, but enough that I can’t just walk to class. Koda turns into a driveway of a decent sized house. Not a kind I’ve ever lived in.

“Where are we?”

Once again he gives me the silent treatment, pushing a button, and the garage door starts to open. He pulls in and shuts the car off. The mechanical whirring of the garage door shutting is like an omen. I watch him walk around the car until he’s standing at my door and opening it.

“Unbuckle,” he says.

“No,” I state.

“Fucking humor me, Ashland. You can bitch at me the entire time.”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.” I cross my arms. He rolls his eyes with a sigh and reaches over, grabs the top of the seatbelt, and literally rips it out of the brand new door frame with force. Then he picks me up and starts carrying me like a firefighter up a set of stairs.

“I fucking hate you.” I try to fight him.

“Good. Hold onto that, because I only get worse.”

I give up around the halfway point, and with the way he is acting, I’m surprised when he sets me on a massive couch.

I look around at the place. “Are you fucking pet sitting or something?” I tease him angrily. He ignores me, typing away on his phone.

“Did you hear me?” I demand.

“Yup,” he says again, heading over to the marble counter.

Obviously, I’m not going to get an answer from him, so I survey my surroundings. The ceiling is high. Stairs to my left lead up to an indoor balcony. A set of glass paneled doors to my right open up onto a patio that looks like it’s meant for a billionaire. I catch a glimpse of the river through the railing, and I can hear it calmly rushing. The place is stark white with mostly gray furniture. It looks like a Better Homes & Gardens in here.

I realize he asked me a question. “What?”

“I asked you if you like Penny’s mattress.” He still doesn’t look up.

“What kind of weird question is that?”

“Ashland,” he growls in warning. “Do you two like her mattress or not?”

“It’s fine, I guess. Came with our place.”

“Absolutely not,” he mutters to himself.

“Hello.” I wave my hands in the air. “Are you fucking deaf?”

I’m pouting like a child. I know I am. I’m irritated. He finally glances up, completely distracted. In a few strides he’s looming over me, shoving something into my hands, and then he’s already back at the counter on his phone.

There’s a book in my hands. My favorite book. “Where did you get this?”

He shushes me and puts the phone to his ear, walking out on the patio and shutting the door behind him. I don’t even know what to do so I just open it and start at the beginning. I feel like a little kid who was handed a tablet and told not to get into any trouble.

“Alright." He puffs out his cheeks and slowly lets out his breath before coming back into the living room and stretching. “Her shit will be here by end of day tomorrow sans mattress.”

“What are you talking about?”

He glances at the clock and opens a cabinet, rifling through it. “What’s your favorite color?” he deflects.

“I hate color. I obviously like things that are bland.” I gesture to him.

“Pink then,” he muses, setting pill bottles on the counter.

“Not fucking pink,” I growl. “I fucking hate pink. Stupid fucking color.”

He levels his gaze at me. “Then answer the question, Ash."

“I…I don’t know.”

He raises his eyebrows. “You don’t know?”

“I’ve never thought about it.” I shrug.

“Fine, I’ll just give you my card.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“You’re right,” he mutters as he types. “Get Ashland her own card.”

“What am I doing here, Armory? Is this your secret house where you bang bitches?” I joke, trying to make sense of this.

He nods slowly, stopping his search, and leans against the kitchen counter. “Yes, but I only bang one bitch in here. Mine. ”

“What does that mean?” I glance around.

I watch him organize the pill bottles he pulled from the cabinet. He starts counting out pills and putting them in a little tray, organizing that, too. It’s fucking annoying. Alexi was right, he micromanages.

“I can do that,” I snap.

He sighs, turning to me. “We talked about this.”

I run my tongue over my top teeth, but I don’t say anything. He’s right. I told him I would let him take care of me, but the more I rely on him the harder it’s going to be. He stretches and heads for me with a lazy gait, then leans over the couch where I’m sitting. I can smell him. The scent is intoxicating. The entire place is suffocating me in him. He hands me a glass of water and some pills, waiting for me to take them. I refuse, dumping them onto the coffee table.

“It means that you aren’t leaving my sight,” he says simply. “This is our house. You moved in here.”

“No, I did not.” I shove my hands against his hard chest, but he doesn’t budge.

“You already have.”

“I live with Penny,” I argue, even though I have no idea where. Definitely not fucking here.

He rolls his eyes, as if this conversation is the biggest inconvenience he has ever experienced. “You still do.”

“What is happening?” I say out loud to myself.

“Goddamn, baby girl, catch up. We moved in together.”

I search his face, looking for a sane side of Koda, but if he was ever there he is long gone.

“I live with Penny,” my voice rises.

“Right.”

“So I can’t live here.”

“You live here with me, and so does Penny,” he explains calmly. “It’s a four bedroom.”

“This place is for rich people, Ko. We can’t afford this,” I fret.

He takes my cheeks between his palms. “Money isn’t an issue. It’s paid for. All of it is. If you want something? It’s paid for. If Penny wants something? Paid for.”

“Koda,” I try to talk sense into him.

He sighs. “Penny said you would resist.”

“Penny knew?”

“I wasn’t about to move her without asking.”

“You didn’t ask me !” I screech.

“Semantics.”

I stare at him open-mouthed. I don’t even know where to begin. He sighs and sits on the floor next to me. It’s so odd seeing him sitting there like this is carpet time.

“When you died, Ash, everything changed for me. I prayed. I don’t fucking pray, and I prayed. I’m not leaving, and I made sure you can’t either. So just let me be an arrogant asshole, and you can be the bitch who is going to claw my eyes out in the middle of the night, alright?”

I feel awkward. He’s spilling his guts again, and I don’t know how to handle this sort of visceral reaction.

“Koda Armory is begging. I would video this if I had a phone and extort you.” I want to be nice. I want to thank him, but it’s not physically possible.

“You’re welcome.”

“I didn’t thank you.”

“I’ve gotten pretty good at speaking Ashland in these last few months.” He leans over, his face only inches from mine, and shoves the pills into my hand. “Now take your fucking meds like a good girl.”

My face gets hot. I feel a blush creeping up my neck and onto my cheeks. I like this side of Koda. Even if he did move us in together, Penny lives here, too. I try to find a way to refuse, but not only am I not in any position to tell him no, I don’t want to.

“I liked it better when you were a dick.”

“Oh, I’m still a dick. It’s just directed at everyone else right now.”

“Control freak.” I pop the pills into my mouth and reluctantly swallow them.

“You’re the one whose into it.”

“So,” I begin casually. “Do you have security cameras outside?”

“I had them installed, yeah. There's a lot of security. No one will come here without us knowing about it first.”

“Okay,” I sigh in relief.

“You used to detest the locks, now you want them?”

“I was shot three times, and had my face cut open. Yeah, I want them.”

“It’s safe, Ash,” he says gently. “As safe as anything can be.”

I inspect the end of my braid. “Yeah, of course.”

He doesn’t harp on it.

“Now that it’s settled,” he smirks, “Let me show you your room.”

“It’s not fucking settled,” I seethe. “You moved me here against my will.”

He ignores me, forcing me up. “Close your eyes.” He puts his hands over them for good measure, and guides me somewhere inside the house. “Open.”

I suck in a breath. It’s my stuff, but it’s not shoved places. There are floor to ceiling bookshelves filled with my special editions. My plants are everywhere, and it looks like there might be more than I had in the first place. My fish is even here. I forgot I even had one. There’s a big window that looks out onto the gushing river. Next to it is a massive cozy armchair. The signs from my room are already on the walls, and any other decor I had. My desk is against a wall, and my papers and art is organized on a shelf next to it. A brand new set of charcoal is laid out on top.

In what looks like a re-purposed closet, there are different colored paints of various mediums, including spray cans, organized with all kinds of other art supplies. I turn back to the room. The walls are black, but one of them doesn’t have anything against it at all. There’s my rug in the center of the hardwood floor. I step onto it before I can stop myself. It looks like it’s been cleaned. It’s soft, and I embed my toes in the fibers. With a hard swallow I finally turn to Koda. Anxiety is etched across his face.

“You hate it." He nods. I just stare at him. I can’t speak. “It’s fine. We can change all of it.”

“Koda,” I pull him from his thoughts. “You said this is my room. Where’s my bed?”

“I just meant that this is, like, your space. Penny’s studio is the next room over.”

“Then where am I supposed to sleep?”

“You’re joking." He levels his gaze.

“What? Did you give me and Penny bunk beds or something? I call top bunk.” I tear through my pockets looking for my phone. I need to call Penny and figure out what the hell is really happening, but I forgot that I’ve just been using Koda’s.

“There are two masters. Penny has one down here at the end of the hall. Ours is upstairs on the other side of the house. Come on." He races off with excitement.

I want to protest, but Koda actually seems like he really wants this. It’s not that I don’t, and he did this in true Koda fashion, but I’m digesting it. We go up the set of stairs where a door hangs open. The room is massive. It feels like my entire trailer growing up could fit in here. There’s a massive bed in the middle with a dark turquoise duvet. The walls are a light lavender with gold accents.

“Ko,” I utter.

“Penny picked out the colors, so blame her." He holds up his hands defensively. “She said they would chill you out.”

I turn to him, baffled. “Penny was here? She did these rooms?”

“No." He shakes his head. “She only helped me pick out the colors. Alexi and Sinclair helped me paint. Her rooms are waiting for her to get here. She didn’t want me to touch them.”

“You did this?” I look around wildly. “What about downstairs? Was that you or did Penny help with that, too?”

“Me. Don’t be mad at her,” he says, full of anxiety. “I told you that if you hate it we can—”

“I don’t hate it,” I interrupt.

Confusion passes across his features. “Then what’s wrong?”

“This is…permanent.”

“So?” he asks carelessly.

“You asked Penny. You care,” I say angrily.

It makes me sound ungrateful, but it’s a default emotion. Koda cares. Koda bought a house. He picked out colors and painted. He asked Penny. It’s dawning on me now, and I’m trying to work through my emotions even though I’m on the cusp on an explosion of confusion.

“Of course I fucking care. I knew you wouldn’t move in without Penny, and you asked me to take care of her. The rest of the place is yours to do with as you please. Get rid of all the gray shit. I know you hate it. It’s how a serial killer would decorate, but I wanted to have something for you to come home to. You’re in my life plan, Ash. You’re living here whether you want to or not.”

Life plan. He said life plan.

It feels weird to do it, but I go to Koda and bury my face into his chest. He wraps his arms around me in a stifling hug, and it holds me together, because I fucking cry. Penny has done plenty of things for me, and if we were rich I’m positive she would have done something like this. Except it isn’t Penny who did it. It’s Koda.

“Fuck,” he groans, running his fingers through my hair. “I took it too far, didn’t I? I should have listened to Alexi, but Penny said—”

“It’s not that,” I sniffle. “I mean. I’m annoyed about it in the regular way, but it’s not that.”

“What is it, baby girl?” He sets his chin on top of my head.

“It’s stupid,” I say, burying my face back into his chest.

“You don’t cry, Ash. So I’m not really getting the vibe that it’s stupid.”

“It’s just that…You did all of this for me.”

He laughs, deep in his chest. “Mostly for me, but a little bit for you.”

I wipe my eyes, trying to compose myself. “I’m sorry. The fucking drugs have me, like, fucking emotional or something. It’s gross.”

“So you like it?” He gives me his best charming smile.

“It’s cool,” I say nonchalant, sitting on the edge of the bed taking it all in.

“Ashland for love. Good." He relaxes. “So, pick out colors for the rest of the place. Pick out thirty. I don’t fucking care, but I love you Ashland. Want to decorate the living room with hands? I’ll find some. You want a dog? We’ll get one tomorrow. Whatever makes you stay.” His eyes shine that sage green color that I’ve grown accustomed to.

“I want a dog,” I retort.

There’s amusement in his gaze. “That’s it?”

“And I want a hot tub,” I barter.

“Anything else?”

Per usual, I take it too far. “Twelve children and all of them are named Jaxon with an x.”

“I draw the line at Jaxon.”

“You aren’t going to draw it at twelve kids?” I scoff.

“If you want to make our own football team, I wouldn’t be opposed.”

“You’re ridiculous.” I push his face away.

“We can start practicing now,” he growls on my lips.

“Get out of my face,” I giggle, lightly slapping him.

“Mmm,” he hums, nudging my legs apart with his knee. “Ya know, usually I like to slap you, but I’m not opposed to switching it up.”

“You’re trying to seduce me.” I gently caress his face. The stubble on his chin tickles my palm.

“It doesn’t take much.” He leans closer, brushing his lips on mine. “But,” he sighs, stepping back. “The doctor hasn’t cleared you yet.”

The front door slams. I jump out of my skin and right into Koda’s arms.

“Yinny!” Sinclair’s voice booms through the house.

They’re here with food. I try to calm my pounding heart.

“Sinclair and Alexi have keys. I’ll take them away if you don’t want it. I just needed their help.”

Heavy footsteps trample up the stairs, and the two idiots barge into the room. Sinclair takes a look at my face and he smirks. “Like my paint job?”

“I did those walls,” Alexi pipes up, pointing across the room.

Sinclair rolls his eyes. “No one cares.”

“Looks just like your pictures in first grade,” I smile.

Sinclair sighs dramatically. “I know. I’ve always been a prodigy.”

Koda heads downstairs, taking Alexi with him to do his ritual, no doubt. Sinclair eases himself down onto a blanket chest that’s been placed at the foot of the bed.

“Ya know, if you’re ready to be rid of him I’ll just kill them,” he says nonchalant. “Say the word.”

The thing about Sinclair, about any of us Vaughn’s, is that the threats are never empty. It’s the Vaughn family curse. That was what everyone called it when we were growing up. Stay away from the Vaughn’s. Don’t piss them off. That family is messed up. A long line of psychos.

“No.” I sit next to him. “I’m just feeling different.”

He furrows his brow. “Everyone discovering Stacy’s mom was pregnant by the pastor different or being on tour different?”

“Naming you Knox different.”

He nods his head, and I see that little boy that I love so fucking much that it hurts.

“Do you miss him?” Sinclair looks at his feet.

“Brin?”

“No,” he chuckles.

“Memph—”

“No,” he cuts me off forcefully. “Yang.”

I bite my lip and look around the room. We never talk about him even though he’s in almost every memory we share. Sinclair hasn’t seen him since he went to England, even though he knows Yang is the reason I’m alive. I saw him when I died, but it has only left me confused.

“There isn’t a word.”

He takes a moment to mull it over. “I was always jealous, you know.”

“Of what?”

“Of the two of you. I wanted to be close to you like that.”

I wrap my arms around him and squeeze him tight even though it makes my body stretch in uncomfortable ways. I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable again.

“I never wiped his ass,” I tell him.

“That’s surprising.”

We both laugh.

“We should eat. Koda will be done with his whole box thing by now. If we wait much longer it’ll be cold.”

As we make our way downstairs, I try not to think about what Sinclair asked. All through dinner I’m distracted, though. All of those years that my best friend told me that stupid saying, and it lived on all of this time. That saying saved me from letting the last little ember of hope be snuffed out by Damien. Do I miss Yang? Admittedly, yes. It’s hard not to miss someone you were so close to.

All of that is so far behind me now. I understand why Sinclair would bring it up. He feels the shift in me, too. Moving on is tricky business. It comes and goes in waves. I still believe what I thought about the ocean. I run forward to be dragged back by the current, but now it feels like I’m caught in a tidal pool. I’m being given a chance, allowed to swim, and that is fucking freedom.

Girls go to college to get more knowledge.

Turns out, having more knowledge doesn’t always save your life. It’s your ability at self-preservation that runs the show in the moments that count.

Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.

They do. Maybe not all of them, but it doesn’t take going away to make you an idiot. You can sit on your couch, and your brain will still rot. My momma’s did. Goes for anyone, really. Can't be all that stupid since more than one has tricked and manipulated me.

Ashland died all of those years ago. Then she died again. She should’ve died a hundred times over. I’m like a cat with nine lives. It took a few to realize it, but I still have seven more left. Seven lives until the seventh seal breaks, and I’m left with Silence.

Problem is, I’ve never been a quiet bitch.

I glance over at Koda who chews and listens. Sure, there are more people I wish were sitting around this table, but that’s not how life works. They say appreciate the ones you’ve got because someday they might be gone.

I can’t kill Ashland anymore. I need to start accepting that she’s a part of me. I let her go to sleep and dream of my life now. Let her believe she gets to live it. It’s my only hope of trying to keep her somewhat quiet inside of my head. Shoving tape over someone’s mouth or burying their bones in a deep grave has never been a quiet affair. It’s never made things better, only held them off.

Poison: a substance that is capable of causing the illness or death of a living organism when introduced or absorbed.

Penny said that emotions were the Vaughn family poison, but that’s not it. Not exactly.

It’s love.