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Chapter Fifteen

Ashland

This whole thing is getting ridiculous. Koda’s demands are moving into boyfriend territory, and he’s making himself confused. He’s having a hard time separating sex and everything else. I’ll admit that I didn’t help that by inviting him to Cuntsgiving, but he started it with the art supplies. He surprises me and makes me laugh. I actually had fun.

Koda has been taking my mind off of the bullshit. I’m still struggling, but shoving your skeletons in a closet doesn’t happen overnight. You have to pick up all of the bones first. Penny left for the break to go scout a place to live in Chicago for the internship since she, surprise surprise, landed it.

When Cole asked if I wanted to go to a football party I almost didn’t answer, but I’m bored. It’s been a while since I’ve been to any type of gathering. Maybe the socialization outside of Koda and Alexi will do me some good. I’ll regret it when we get there, but that’s a problem for later. Koda demanded I stay away from Cole and I kind of see his point, but he’s not my fucking boyfriend. I’m not going to blindly follow all of his orders. We haven’t spoken since Cuntsgiving. It’s not that I haven’t been a thirsty slut, but I wasn’t about to cave.

So, I ignore the phone call from Koda. Then he texts me, which he hasn’t done all of break.

What are you doing?

I fucking ignore it. Cole raises an eyebrow and looks at my phone.

“As I was saying ,” I restart. “If time travel is linear, then how do you explain being able to travel from one point to another? You would technically be tearing through time and traveling to a different point of it where you exi—"

My phone rings again. Then another text.

Fucking answer the phone.

He’s angry and I knew he would be, but I thought that maybe someone here would have some modicum of decency and maybe not have the need to immediately gossip. The guys on Koda’s team probably have a group chat, and I hate that I’ve been the subject of it.

Why are you at that fucking party with Cole?

So this is about Cole. He calls me again like a psycho possessive boyfriend. I know things with Koda have been murky, at best, and I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring it. I figured the distance over break could be a reset. Over the last few weeks I’ve been entirely too consumed by him, mostly because he keeps me from thinking about all of my other shit, and wires are getting crossed.

That’s not very cunty.

My phone rings again .

Cole clears his throat. “Am I interrupting something?”

“Let me take this, and I’ll be back. Get me a drink?” Obviously, Koda isn’t going to stop his assault.

“Yeah, of course.” Cole gives me that dimpled smile that screams simp. I thought that maybe I was annoyed because he was always in my space. Koda showing up forced Cole to keep his distance and being back around him has only shown me how much more annoying he is.

My phone rings again as I head outside, and I answer it.

He doesn’t even wait for me to speak. "You're at the football party."

“Okay, dad. You can ground me later. Everything is fine. I'm with Cole.” It’s too late when I realize it was the wrong thing to say.

“I thought I told you to stay away from him,” he growls in my ear.

I keep my voice low. “And I thought you were home.”

“So that means you should go straight to Cole? We agreed that we wouldn’t have sex with other people.” Koda is pissed. If I could see him right now I’d bet he’s clenching his fists.

“Fucking gross. I'm not having sex with him. Calm the fuck down, Ko.”

“If that’s true then go home, Ashland. Stay away from him.”

“Are you feeling threatened by Cole?” I snort.

“No, he just wants—”

Cole interrupts, giving me a questioning glance that lasts all of one second before returning to his normal cheery self. “Here’s your drink, Ash. Double shot just the way you like.”

I take it gratefully.

“I’ll talk to you later,” I hiss and hang up the phone, chug my old drink, and immediately chug the new one.

I don’t know what the hell Koda is doing. Since we’ve been doing whatever this is, there hasn’t been much partying. There hasn’t even been a happy hour since the Ava incident. I’ve been so swamped with school and tattooing, and my free time is limited. This is the first time I’ve really been able to go out. I wanted to get drunk, maybe let go a little, but at this rate I’ll be wasted just because Koda pissed me off.

“So you called Koda?” Cole’s mouth turns into a hard line.

“Not exactly,” I say sheepishly.

“I thought he was home.”

“He is,” I sigh. I should have known better.

“So I guess you’ll have to go now?” His tone is accusatory and it pisses me off, but I try to reel it in.

I shake my head. "I’m staying. I don’t have to leave just because he’s throwing a tantrum.”

Cole smiles. “Good. You need a break. All you do is study and work. I feel like I’ve barely seen you over the last few weeks. The only time I’ve ever been able to catch you is when you’re grabbing coffee.”

Sure. Study, work, and have sex with Koda.

“It’s just been overwhelming. I took on too much."

“I figured you were spending all of your free time with your new boyfriend,” Cole says with irritation.

“What? No. Koda isn’t my boyfriend. Not like it’s your business anyways.”

“It’s just weird, is all. That day I brought you coffee he got all weird and angry. It was pretty early in the morning, and you’re not an early riser." He shrugs.

“What day?” I ask with confusion.

Cole blushes. “Well, it was like a week or two ago. It had been a while since I’d seen you guys so I figured I’d check in. Koda was outside, and I guess I just thought…I should have asked. I’m sorry. He basically threatened for me to get lost, and he didn’t really seem like the kind of guy I should piss off. I thought it was weird you had said you weren’t dating, then turned around to date him of all people.”

His comments rub me the wrong way. I try to figure out what I’m angrier about. Koda going behind my back to send Cole away, or Cole acting like he has any right. I can do both.

“Did you think I owed you something?” Cole looks up at me with wide questioning eyes. I’m starting to feel a little warm. “Did you think that because you do nice shit for me, that I should fuck you?” I start laughing so hard that I clutch my stomach. I wipe my eyes from the comedic tears that form. What a fucking asshole. “God, I knew deep down that you were a fucking self-righteous prick.”

The people around us quiet, and Cole’s eyes dart over my shoulder. “That wasn’t what I was trying to say, Ash. You’ve got to understand. He’s the one—”

“Shut the fuck up,” I interrupt, holding up my hand to silence him. “Women don’t owe you shit, Cole. If I fuck every guy on this campus except for you, then you still don’t deserve shit.”

He tilts his head and looks at me with concern. “You seem a little pale. Are you feeling alright?”

“Koda is right. I should drop you.”

Cole loses his composure. “Do you wanna know something, Ashland?” he sneers. “Everyone here knows what a big fucking whore you are. That’s why you’re invited to these parties. You’re Koda Armory’s pocket pussy. You’ll be used up and thrown aside. Then you’ll come crying to me. It’s fine. I can wait.”

I didn’t really plan to be a massive bitch. It wasn’t my intention to embarrass him, but he pushed me over the edge. He backs away carefully. For a second I see the smug jackass he really is inside, but he turns and leaves me standing there. His words grate on me. A whore. I’ve heard it before. I’m no stranger to hurling insults or receiving them. It’s the part about Koda.

I’ll just be thrown aside. A pocket pussy.

I don’t have sex because I want a relationship with someone. It’s for me. I’m the one with the power. I repeat that mantra to myself several times, trying to remember why it’s true. I feel hot and drunk. If Penny were here she could stop my mind from running. Women should be allowed to have sex with no strings attached with whoever they want without the fucking stigma. Even though I try to live by those words, I can’t. Not right now while the surprise and confusion are working themselves out.

I crush the cup in my hand and throw it onto the ground, storming through the hordes of people toward the bathroom. I don’t want to fucking be here anymore, but I need a second to breathe. My mind is bending, and it’s uncomfortable. Everywhere I look in the crowd I’m starting to see Damien and it’s disconcerting. I only had two drinks. I didn’t even pregame at the house, but I feel fucked up anyways.

The line for the bathroom is long, so I stumble down the hallway looking for the master. I find it, crawl in, and slam the door shut behind me. Fuck. I feel like shit. Penny is hundreds of miles away so I can’t call her. Cole is being a dick, so that’s out of the window. The only option I have left is Koda. It’ll be embarrassing. He’ll say I told you so, but maybe one of the guys can take me home and I can sink into the ground to never return.

I pull my phone from my pocket and try to call him. It immediately goes to voicemail. That fucking asshole. I try again with the same result, so I move onto Alexi. Same fucking thing. It’s only ten, but I don't know what time zone they're in. Maybe if I wait this out I’ll be fine in a little bit, and I can take myself home. Just thinking about the walk makes me want to hurl. I’m not a puker, but I’m feeling really fucking close right now.

I drag myself up the cabinets and turn on the water, splashing it onto my face and drinking from the faucet. It doesn’t help. If anything it makes it worse, so I return to the ground and lean my body against the wall. My eyes start to flutter shut, and I’m shivering. Fuck, I know what this is. This is from not sleeping. If I just take a quick nap I’ll wake up feeling good enough to walk home. My hands shake as I set the timer. My body is revolting against me. Fucking traitor.

“Do you like your birthday present, baby girl?” Damien asks.

The sun feels like it’s stabbing my eyeballs because it’s been so long. The air is cool and the wind whips around me, tossing my hair in every direction. He’s watching me, waiting for my reaction. He’s sober for once and that makes me happy, too. This might be the best day in my entire life.

“I love it,” I smile. It’s timid.

His amber eyes remind me of a puppy’s when he’s sober. He can be so nice. It’s rare, and I want to soak it up. Watching him on the beach is mesmerizing. His shaggy brown hair whips in the wind, and he has a smile that’s to die for. I know he’s attractive and so does he, but he gives me the parts of himself that no one sees.

I wonder when he’ll stop loving me. It’s not an if, but a when.

“Sir,” a voice says behind us.

“Yes, Yang?” He’s trying to keep it together, to be polite, that way this day isn’t ruined.

Yang holds out some flowers and a wrapped box. “The birthday present you requested.”

Yang sure as fuck knows how to talk Damien into shit. It’s the only chance I have of getting out of here alive. I don’t know how he does it. The masked man that was always at Damien’s side has been slowly drifting away, replaced by Yang. My best friend, the fucking traitor. There was a time where Yang would look me in the face and tell me that he would punch everyone who hurt me. On the way here was the very first time we’ve been alone.

There was a lot said in a few words. I don’t know what to make of it.

“What did I used to tell you, Yinny?”

That was it. That was his one question. He waited for me to speak. It took me a minute because I’ve grown so accustomed to only conversing with Damien that it’s hard to go against it.

“Girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.”

“Good. Don’t forget it.”

I wake in someone’s arms. I can’t open my eyes, but I feel them carrying me. It’s him. It’s Damien. I try to get out of his grasp, but I hardly move.

“Sh, it’s alright, baby girl. I’ve got you.”

No, no, no . Before my mind can move past it I’m out again.

Damien waves Yang away and escorts me to a restaurant. A fucking restaurant. There aren’t people there, but it’s a fucking goddamn restaurant. I’ve never been in one before this, and it’s one of the greatest things in the world. An actual chef comes out after the food, but the second he addresses me he’s dragged away.

There’s a candle in the center of the table with a bouquet of flowers. This might be a dream. Damien’s eyes glitter in the warm light.

“Are you happy, baby girl? Do you want your present?”

“Yes, Damien." I give him the sweetest smile I can that way he’ll know I’m doing my best to be perfect. Maybe, just maybe, we can do this again.

He takes the flowers and hands them to me, and I relish the smell. Honeysuckle. My favorite. Most people like sunflowers, but not me. I love honeysuckles. There used to be bushes behind my trailer, and we would pick off the flowers sometimes and suck out the nectar. It was a dessert to us.

From our place in the restaurant, there are wide windows facing the beach. They’re propped open, and a light breeze filters fresh air throughout the dining room. The waves run forward before being dragged back. A lot like me I guess. I think I make progress, and gravity always drags me back and back and back.

“Go ahead. Open it.”

There’s excitement in his eyes. He doesn’t even know what this is. Yang certainly picked it out. For all I know, I’m about to open a gun, and then I’ve gotta figure out how to shoot it before he does.

I don’t tear into it. That’s not what ladies do. It might upset Damien. I slip one finger under the folds and slide until the tape pops, then do the same for every crease and crevice. He needs to know that I appreciate the gift. That I’m not greedy, but grateful. I move too fast and get a papercut. I keep my face placid because if Damien thinks it hurt me he’ll get angry. I’ll either be considered hateful, making me hurt myself like this, or it'll be considered blamatory. That I made him hurt me.

Once the wrapping is off, I gently fold it, running my fingers over the glitter. It’s so beautiful. I give Damien another smile and he leans forward, clasping his hands. Yang watches from the door.

I open the box. Inside is a sketch book and charcoal. If my heart could, it would fly away.

“Damien,” I whisper, wide eyed. “I love it.”

“Yeah?” He grins. Fuck him.

I pull it out, setting the box aside and cherishing the gift. “Yes.”

“Go ahead. Draw something. I missed when you used to draw.”

It’s a half-truth. Damien did like my drawings, but only when they were of him. He liked when I would draw his eyes because they were evil. I tried to stab myself with a pencil, and he took it all away. If I do the right thing, right now, he’ll let me keep it.

I flip to the first page, look up at Damien, and begin to sketch. I don’t take too long because he’ll get impatient. I draw him on the beach. That’s the calmest I’ve ever seen him. The wind is in his hair with his eyes crinkled at the corners. I darken them and dash in an evil grin. Up in the sky I draw Jupiter. It’s rudimentary. I’m unpracticed and I’m running out of time, but I think he’ll like it. He’ll think I love it.

I shyly tear the page on the perforation and place it in his outstretched hand.

“I love you so much, Damien,” I add to sweeten the deal. Maybe I mean it. I don’t know anymore.

He looks at it, studying it. “Goddamn, baby girl, you’re such a fucking artist. Look at this,” he calls Yang over.

Yang stands behind him, intently scanning the sketch. There’s just a twitch at the corner of his mouth that tells me he likes it. It tells me he understands that I did listen all of those times. “Your artist, sir.”

There’s a little spark of hope. I hold it tightly inside of myself. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, and Damien is a fucking idiot.

I don’t know where I am. The sheets are silky. Fuck. Again? I try to recall what happened last night, but my last memory is arguing with Cole and feeling drunk as fuck. I feel like I need to apologize to someone, but the shame makes me want to sink into this divine mattress. I crack my eyelids open, and my blurry surroundings start to focus. I’m so fucking hungover. I sit up and rub my eyes. At least I managed to put clothes on, although it’s not what I was wearing last night. Ashland the thief strikes again. Now I just need to get out of here. I glance around and suddenly I know exactly where I am.

What. The. Fuck.

I’ve done a lot of crazy shit, but breaking into someone’s house has never been one of them. Not when I’m blackout, at least. I fall out of the bed frantically looking for my phone. Koda. He was pissed at me. Did I do something insane because I was annoyed? Quite fucking possibly. This is a long fucking walk from where I was last night.

Oh no. What if I didn’t come here alone?

No. No. No. No .

I live to piss Koda off, but not like this. That’s fun. Those are games. This is fucked up.

I crawl to the side table bringing myself to stand. My legs are wobbly, but I’ve got to power through and call Penny. I need to go back into therapy. Maybe I should be committed. Maybe I'm losing my fucking mind. She’ll know what to do. Maybe we should run to a new city and change our names. This is bad. This is horrible. I don’t even know what to make of this.

I stumble toward the door, praying that I came here alone. I can smell breakfast. Oh my God, this just gets worse. I try to bolster my confidence by telling myself this is cunty not crazy and put one foot in front of the other, even though it feels like gravity is dragging me down.

I see the culprit of the bacon smell standing with his back to me in the kitchen.

“Koda?”

He turns around and faces me. His expression is different than any of the ones I know.

“Good. You’re awake. I made breakfast.”

He gestures for me to sit down at the counter and hands me a bottle of water. I chug it. My body is screaming for hydration, and I’m starving. My entire state of being is just confused. Waking up somewhere random? Fine. Waking up at Koda’s? Not fine.

“You’re not here,” I realize. “This is just a nightmare.”

He squints his eyes at me. “Waking up to me making you breakfast is a nightmare for you?”

“You’re at home, wherever the fuck that is, and I’m…asleep? God, I have got to start sleeping.”

He crosses his arms. “Colorado. That’s where I’m from. You’re awake, Ash. You’re in my condo. I know you’re confused.”

“That’s a fucking understatement.”

I feel panic, and I don’t want to let the anxiety get a hold of me but it is. It’s clawing out of my chest, and Koda must see it because he comes around the counter and hugs me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest, and I can’t tell if I’m better or worse.

“I flew back in late last night. That’s why I missed your calls.”

“I called you?” My voice is muffled. I sag in his arms letting the initial shock dissipate. “I don’t remember.”

He squeezes me tighter. “I know you don’t.”

“I didn’t drink that much, I swear.” Tears are burning my eyes, and I absolutely cannot cry them right now or that will make this so much worse. “What did I do?”

“Nothing, baby girl.” He buries his face in my hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I brought you back here.”

“Why?” It’s an all encompassing question. Why did you fly back? Why did you bring me here? Why, why, why? Maybe some hows, too.

He takes a deep breath. “Someone drugged you at that party.”

My body goes rigid. How could I not see it? It’s not the first time it’s happened, but it’s been a long time. I should know the fucking signs.

“It’s alright, okay? You were in Smith’s bathroom.”

“Oh my God.” I try to pull away, but he doesn’t let me. “Your teammate fucking found me passed out? Who else knows? Fucking hell. This is embarrassing. This is the least cunty behavior ever.”

“Are you actually trying to blame yourself for being drugged, without knowing it, by someone else?”

“You told me not to go.”

“I told you not to go with Cole. I have two brain cells. I didn’t expect you to fucking stay home the entire time. If you had told me Penny would be out of town I wouldn’t have left.”

“How do you know? Oh my god. Did you call Penny?”

“I didn’t,” he says slowly. “I guess she and Alexi went to the airport together.”

I had forgotten about that.

“Where was Cole?” he demands.

“I don’t know. We got into a fight after I got off the phone with you, and he left.”

“Piece of fucking shit,” Koda growls into my hair. “What was the fight about?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

He sighs and picks me up. My legs reflexively wrap around his waist and my arms around his neck with my face buried in his chest. This just keeps getting worse and worse, but I don’t want to run away yet. There’s nowhere to run to that will make me less confused or less vulnerable. He carries me to the couch and lays down, leaving me on top of him.

“What did he say to you?”

“It really doesn’t matter, Ko. I should go home.” I try to sit up and he pulls me flush against him, running his fingers through my hair.

“It matters to me.” His words are quiet, but he said them.

“He said that…I’m a slut.”

“I say that. You say that. That’s not what happened.”

“Fine. He called me a whore.” The word vomit starts to pour out. “Acted like I owe it to him to date him or fuck him. He also said that I’m Koda Armory’s pocket pussy and that when I’m tossed aside I’ll come crawling back to him.”

Koda is quiet. The problem with Cole’s observations is that they were true. Every single one of them.

“He wasn’t wrong,” I continue. “Not really. I mean he forgot the mutual pocket pussy part, but he’s right. I think this should be over.”

Koda clears his throat. “Do you care what I think?”

I look up at him. “Can’t you see? That’s the problem. I’m starting to.”

He rubs his hand over his face and looks up at the ceiling. “This got complicated, didn’t it?”

I don’t want to leave. I want to stay in this spot, and that’s dangerous. So I extract myself from his arms and find my phone plugged in on the counter.

Koda comes after me. “Ashland.”

I unplug it and start going through my messages. There are plenty from Penny. Pictures and updates from her trip. Some drunken texts from people back home. A few from Cole that says he’s sorry and that he can’t find me. One from Alexi asking if I’m okay. Two from Koda.

Answer the phone

Almost there, baby girl

I look up at him over my phone. He's going to toss me aside, and it’s going to fucking hurt. Shit. How did I let this happen?

“I flew back here for you.” He’s emotional. I don’t do emotion well. At. All.

So I get angry instead. “I didn’t fucking ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t ask me for the sketch book or the car either. I just did it.”

“Because you were trying to manipulate me!” He sticks his tongue in his cheek. “Thought I hadn’t figured it out, huh?”

He nods slowly. “The car, not the sketch book.”

“Congratulations, Armory. You managed to do it. Right under my nose, too. You fucking win.”

“That’s not what I want,” he says with frustration.

“I drew you,” I seethe. “I fucking drew you.” Flashes of Damien go through my mind. “I’m so fucking stupid.” I put my palm to my forehead, trying to smash the memories down.

“Fucking stop it. You’re intelligent,” his voice rises.

“Get a new pocket pussy.” I clutch my phone and start to leave, but he blocks me in.

“You’re a person, Ashland!” he shouts. “What I think is that you’re fucking scared of having actual feelings for once. You go to parties and you string boys along because it’s easy. It doesn’t actually require you to feel anything. You fuck losers because you know that’s all they’ll ever be. It means you don’t get attached. You don’t let people see the shit you draw because they’ll fucking see inside of your head and get a look at the real Ashland. Cole is jealous of that. Plain and simple. He likes it when you hurt because it means that you’ll keep using him. It means that you’ll keep pushing people away, and he’ll still be standing there.”

“What do you want from me?”

“I…I don’t know.” He yanks his hair. “I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.”

“I’m sorry you had to take care of me,” I apologize quickly.

“Don’t be like that, baby girl.”

Baby girl.

“I’m just some slut who has seen every dick on campus. That’s never going to change. So how about you don’t waste more time thinking that it is?”

“I’m not trying to change you,” he argues.

“No, you’re just trying to save me,” I say calmly. “You might not realize it, but you’re trying to make me right. That’s why you keep doing this shit with me. You’re a fixer. But I’m wrong . I’ll always be wrong. The world will always be upside down for me. No one can fix that. Not even Penny.”

I push past him, and he grabs my arm. “Don’t walk out of that door.”

“It wasn’t all bad, Koda. We both have to live with that.” I yank my arm from his hand, and I fucking leave.

Behind me I hear him scream ‘fuck’ and there’s a crash. He’ll get over it. He’s just mad he didn’t get to do the tossing.