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Chapter Eighteen

Koda

It’s been a month since we stopped seeing each other. A few weeks since I punched Cole in the face and went to jail. I ended up not even having to tell my dad at Christmas, which was good. I try not to think of Ashland. I do. I did text her on Christmas though. I told her I hoped she was having a good holiday with Penny. She responded ‘This number is out of service and the subscriber you’re trying to reach is unavailable’. So I guess it was good.

My mom knows something is wrong with me.

“What happened with the girl you were seeing?”

“I wasn’t seeing a girl,” I mumble, not looking up from my phone.

She sits down next to me. My mom is small, like Ash, and she’s strong, too. I see the similarities. I always said I wanted someone like my mom, and I guess I didn’t know what that really meant.

“I remember when you were just a little boy,” my mother muses. “I always hoped that you would be able to heal from your trauma and let someone in.”

“It’s not that. I’m in college, mom. People don’t exactly date.”

“Bullshit." My mom doesn’t curse much, but when she does it’s kind of funny. “Your father and I met in college.”

“You did?” I guess I’ve never asked.

“Yeah. I was a tutor.”

“You tutored him?”

She smiles at the memory. “He was smart, but stupid."

“Sounds like something Ashland would say.”

“Is that her name? Ashland?” My mother gives me a soft comforting look and rubs my back.

I lean my head back onto the couch. “Yeah, that’s her name.”

“Beautiful name. I’ve met a few Ashland’s before. They’re always very full of life.”

I lean on her. I might be huge, but my mom never acts like it. “You could say that.”

She pets my head like I’m still eight. “Is this the girl you went home for over Thanksgiving?”

I don’t bother asking how she knows. She knows everything. “Yeah. She needed me.”

“Did she end it or you?”

“I guess she did.” It’s kind of embarrassing. “It wasn’t supposed to be a thing to end. Then when everything happened she said I was trying to save her.”

“Mm, big mistake. Women don’t want to be saved, just loved.”

I laugh. “Ashland fucking hates love.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I don’t know,” I answer slowly. “Wasn’t really my place. That wasn’t what we were doing.”

“That’s not what I was doing with your father either. Here we are, though,” She looks down at me with bright green eyes with flecks of gold. “We have a beautiful home, two beautiful boys, and successful careers where we get to help people.”

“It’s not the same thing, mom. Ash and I are nothing alike. She’s not ESPN material.”

“I’m not senator’s wife material. I’m a psychic, and your father is a politician. We’re pretty different.”

“I know, but she...she says shit without thinking and is fucking impulsive. She doesn’t listen.”

My mom laughs. “I’m not seeing a problem. I’m seeing someone who challenges you.”

“She doesn’t want me either. After she bailed me out of jail…” Fuck.

My mom doesn’t balk or scream. She sighs. “I know. Alexi called me. That must have been her that was arguing in the background.”

“He did?” I sit up. Do I punch him?

“Don’t be angry. He was just scared, honey.”

“What were they arguing about?”

“I don’t know what she said, but someone who doesn’t care wouldn’t go bail some guy they broke up with out of jail after punching her friend in the face.”

“I know I fucked up. I just can’t take it back.”

“No, you can’t, but you can move forward. It sounds like she may have changed you. Sometimes that’s why people’s paths cross with ours. They teach us something, and we either learn or we refuse to grow.”

“I miss her, mom,” I admit, feeling my hollow chest.

“That’s quite the dilemma. It takes time to heal a broken heart.”

“I didn’t love her. I just miss her. She’s funny and really smart. Really good at art, too.”

“Love comes in all shapes and sizes.” She squeezes me. “I love you. Alexi loves you. The world loves you. They all mean different things and have different capabilities. Losing a soul that’s in your orbit can hurt just as much. Sounds like you two were doing more than just benefits.”

“Ugh, mom.”

She giggles. “We’re adults, Koda. Maybe it’s not really over, and maybe it is. If you get another chance with her, I hope you take advantage of it. You seemed like you were actually happy with more than football for once, and now you’re here, sad, and depressed.”

“I text her the other day.”

“What did she say?” I pick my phone back up and show her. She starts to laugh. “Well, at least she responded. She could have said nothing at all. Sounds like she wanted to make you angry.”

“That’s all she fucking does. She’s infuriating.”

My mom gives me a tight hug. “The best of us are. Come on. Let’s get you to the airport. I know you’ll be stressed if we’re off schedule.”

On the plane I think a lot about the things that she said to me. I also think a lot about the things I said. I miss Ashland so fucking much that it twists my gut. Penny told me to move on, but I don’t think I can. Ashland left invisible scars. When I get off of the plane, I head straight to baggage claim and mess around on my phone. There's a gentle tap on my arm, and I turn to find Penny standing there biting her lip.

“Hey,” she says softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, like, scare you or anything. Actually, I did, then I decided to be nice.”

“You didn’t scare me. I’m just…Thanks for picking me up.”

Since the night I walked Penny home I’ve spoken to her a little bit. I think she feels bad for me, honestly. I never directly ask about Ash, but she tells me enough to make me hurt. Probably on purpose.

“Hopefully the Universe will send me some good karma for my generous deed.”

It should be awkward, but it’s not. The two of them don’t make you feel awkward. Maybe it’s their aura or whatever the fuck my mom would say, but they make you comfortable even if you shouldn’t be.

“How did your sculpture thing go?”

“It was fine." She inspects her nails, tapping her foot.

“So break was good?”

“Busy. Still busy. About to head to Chicago.”

“I forgot about the internship. Congratulations, by the way.”

“It’s gonna be fucking crazy, but I’m excited.”

That means Ashland is going to be left alone in that house. Guess Cole will find a way keep her company. There’s no way she keeps him cut off when she’s got no one else. My insides twist some fucking more.

“You gonna do anything for New Years?”

“Are you gonna show up and ruin it?”

I grab my bag and follow her out of the airport. The air is freezing. “No, just trying to make conversation or something.”

“It’s not necessary. I’m good with silence. I live with Ashland,” she laughs.

“Ashland isn’t fucking quiet.”

I’ve never been in Penny’s car before. Ashland was riding her board around or walking until I entered the picture. I can’t imagine she’s happy doing either of those things in the cold. It’s nothing special, but it fits Penny’s personality. It’s bright yellow, and the interior is a fucking wreck. There are clothes and shoes piled in the back seat, empty coffee cups in every single cup holder, and change tossed into the console. It looks similar to the inside of my car before Ashland returned it. She didn’t leave anything behind, making it spotless as if she never drove it at all.

“Actually, she’s quiet a lot because she reads for hours. Sometimes I have to check and make sure she’s breathing.”

“She reads?”

“Fuck yeah. More than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“I thought art was more her thing,” I comment.

“She doesn’t like it. It’s a nervous habit. Tattooing is like reading and doing art all at once. It’s why she’s so good at it.”

I don’t know what to say, but Penny has already turned on the radio. We drive with her dangerously texting, almost swiping the guardrail on two different occasions, and screaming at anyone who gets in her way. She drops me off and gives me a quick wave before taking off.

The condo feels empty. Before I left, I cleaned everything up and patched the hole in the wall. A serial killer’s house. That’s what Ashland called it. I never realized how plain it was until I saw her in it. I unpack quickly and turn on the TV. I feel like a mindless zombie, so I turn on the gaming console and play until I pass out in an attempt to keep myself busy.

When I finally get a text from Barnes and the other guys suggesting we all go out for New Years, I almost don't respond. But it seems like a good way to try to keep myself preoccupied. The last time I went somewhere I ended up arrested over Ashland. I need to fix that. As soon as we walk into the bar I already regret it. This is exactly the kind of place Ashland would go. If she was here, she would already be three shots deep with Penny, singing every single song, and somehow trying to terrorize me.

“Shit, look whose here!” Barnes hits me in the chest, almost knocking my beer from my hands.

Ashland. She’s standing with Penny who is hugging Alexi. That’s why he didn’t ask me what I was doing. He tries to hug Ashland, and she bares her teeth at him. I should leave, but my mom said if I get another chance I should take it. This looks like another chance to me. I follow the others, slowly making my way to her. They all say hi to the girls and start chatting.

“Hey, Ash,” I say awkwardly. Her teal eyes land on me. They’re glassy, which tells me she’s already drunk.

“Hey, Chance,” she says politely. It’s so casual that it hurts. This is what we are now. Friends of friends of maybe even friends. I’m not going to let her do that.

The group seems to force us together. “So how’ve you been?”

“Fine.”

This is torture. She should be saying something snippy to me. “Just fine?”

“Mhm.”

“I didn’t think it was possible for you to keep your mouth shut.”

Her eyes widen, trying to keep her annoyance at bay. She turns to me, plastering a fake smile on her face. “It’s New Year’s Eve, Koda. Penny is about to leave. Can we just be cordial?”

“I know. She picked me up from the airport yesterday.” I glance over at Penny.

“I’m aware,” she growls. “No talking. Cordial.”

“Conversation is being cordial,” I chuckle.

“Ugh.”

I chance the question. “Are you going to be okay?”

She rolls her eyes. “It’s fine. We’re codependent, but we can live without each other.”

“You’re gonna be there all alone though,” I point out.

“Oh my God,” she groans. “If you’re going to fucking annoy me, buy me another drink.” She shoves her empty glass at me and turns her back.

Yeah, I think the pain will be worth it later. I can feel the possessiveness taking over my body. Ashland thought she could toss me to the side and pretend that nothing happened between us, but she’s fucking wrong. We aren’t nothing. We never were. We’re toxic and complicated, and I like that. I won’t try to fix her or save her or whatever it is she thinks. I want to torture her in a good way.

I grab her another drink, and she takes it without even looking at me. She might hate me, but she can still trust me.

Music blares through the bar. She’s pretty fucking drunk, getting louder with every sip. We all are. I’ve had less than Ashland, but I’m still up there. Alexi is at the point where he’s making out with a random girl and getting distracted by another.

The girls climb up onto the bar, and the place goes wild. More girls jump up, and it becomes a Coyote Ugly. It’s growing out of control the closer to midnight that it gets. I try to fight off any guy who gets near them, because I’m not fucking putting up with it. She can have fun. If she wants to party? Fine. But she isn’t going to be with anyone except for me. Penny starts to fall, and I reach out to catch her while Ashland crawls off of the bar top and falls to the floor, laughing. I pull them both up to stand, and they’re like bowling pins.

“Another round of shots, peasant!” she shouts at me. “Last one before midnight.”

Penny holds hers up. “To the Cunts of the Century!”

“Another year with you is another year in paradise, hoe!” Ashland responds. They toss back the shots as the countdown for one minute begins.

“Lexiiiiii!” Ash slurs.

He pulls away from the girl he’s currently lip locked with and wiggles his eyebrows at Ashland. She stumbles over into his arms and he laughs, almost tipping over with the unexpected weight.

“Ashy!” he drawls out.

“Fuckin’ midnight. Gonna kiss me?” She grins.

Fuck no.

He puts his hand to his chest. “I would be honored, except I have my eyes on that blonde over there.”

“Boo." She sticks her tongue out and grabs Penny. “Guess you’ll be the first one, bitch.”

Penny stares straight past her. “Sorry, hoe. I’m getting laid tonight.” Then she pushes her away, twirling her hair at some guy motioning for her to come to him.

Ashland stands to the side pouting.

Barnes slides in. “What about me, Ashland?”

Ten .

“Ya know, we never picked up where we left off at that football party earlier this year,” he continues, pleading his case.

Nine .

Troy intervenes. “He kisses like a grandma. Let me do it right.”

Eight .

“How would you know?” Ashland giggles.

Seven .

Troy’s face turns red.

Six .

“He’s always trying to kiss me in the locker room. Can’t get enough of these lips,” Barnes snorts.

Five . I’m not letting her kiss any of them.

Four . Her teal eyes flick to me.

Three . I shove the two idiots aside and step into her.

Two . My fingers intertwine with the hair at the base of her neck, and I tilt her face up toward me.

“You and me, baby girl. Happy fucking New Year.”

I don’t give her a chance to protest. I smash my lips to hers. I’m pretty fucking drunk. I know that. She taste so goddamn good—like sin. I’m an addict, and I’ve just gotten my first hit in weeks. No wonder I’ve been losing my fucking mind.

I shove her against the bar top, trapping her there. She kisses me back, and she doesn’t stop. I’m fucking possessed with need. Over a month of pent up sexual frustration is pouring out of me. I lightly squeeze her neck making her moan into my mouth.

“Well, goddamn, Armory,” Troy says. “Coulda just said no.”

I ignore him. I’m fucking claiming her in front of this entire fucking bar. I don’t care. I’m not hiding shit from anyone. I like Ashland in a way I haven’t liked anyone before. I find her interesting. The words she says have meaning. My mom said she taught me something, and she did. She taught me how to live in the now.

“It’s past midnight,” Barnes announces with irritation. I don’t stop and neither does she.

“Get a fucking room,” Alexi yells at us.

Ashland finally presses her palms into my chest, but it’s not a shove.

“Koda." She looks up at me helplessly with eyes full of lust.

“Yeah, baby girl?”

“Bathroom.” She grabs my hand and drags me down the hallway, shoving open the door to the bathroom that was vacated in the midnight madness.

I kick the door closed behind me and slam her up against it. My hands run over her body. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

She lets out a strangled laugh. “Everyone does. Are you gonna fuck me or cry, Golden Boy?”

I rear my hand back and slap her. She moans, and her eyes light up. Fuck yes. I flip her over and yank her leggings down, smacking her ass. “Stop being such a goddamn brat.”

I unbutton my jeans, unable to keep my composure a second fucking longer. The moment my tip touches her wetness my eyes roll into the back of my head. Pre-cum is already dripping from me. I’m not gonna last long at fucking all. I’m too drunk to be embarrassed.

“Do you have a condom?” she asks.

“Fuck no,” I growl.

Ashland moans so loud when I enter her that I almost fucking finish.

I lean over her and put my mouth to her ear. “How do I feel, baby girl? Did the others feel like me?”

I wrap my hand around her throat, keeping her from speaking. I don’t want to know. I try to savor it. I really do. Her cheek is pressed against the door like the dirty slut she is.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m gonna come,” she whispers.

I slam into her so hard that her ass is turning red, and the door is smacking the doorframe. Her moans are high pitched, and it drives me that much harder. “Do it, slut. Come all over me.”

“Don’t come inside of me,” she manages to whine.

I grip her hair and yank her head back. “This is my pussy only. I told you this wasn’t over until I said it was. I let you have your fun, Ashland, but I’m not done. You know what to say to stop me.”

Between her impending orgasm and the fact that I’m not going to stop, she’s at war in her mind. I know she’s a cum slut. She’s my cum slut.

“Only one time,” she finally agrees.

“Yeah, just once,” I laugh at her. No fucking way.

I feel her tighten around me, and I swear it’s tighter than she has ever been before. She’s fucking wound up. We’re so loud that someone is beating on the door telling us to hurry up. Ashland pulses around me, and I finish. It feels like the first time I’ve ever come in my life.

Yeah, I’m an addict.

We’re both covered in sweat, and her face is flush. She shoves me away and pulls her leggings back up. She doesn’t even say anything before she leaves. I know she’s probably gone. I’ll even bet that she left this bar altogether, but that doesn’t matter. Ashland likes it when I take control, and that’s what I didn’t do that morning. I sure as fuck will do it now.