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Chapter Nineteen

Ashland

We spent the day after New Year’s dying. Neither Penny, nor I, spoke. We just laid there in silence wishing that there was some way to end the suffering of the hangover. We spent the next day packing. Well, Penny packed, and I unpacked. When she finally realized it, we descended into a fit of laughter that I almost didn’t recover from.

She confronted me about kissing Koda at the bar, and I had to spill the details.

The last month has been rough, and I tried to hide it from her. I didn’t want her to give up the internship. That lasted about two weeks before Koda managed to ruin it, like he does everything. We argued in a way that we haven’t about me bailing him out of jail. I know why she thought I shouldn’t, but she also knew that I was going to do it anyways. Poor Alexi stood there on his phone with wide eyes, afraid we might actually rip each other apart.

She was so upset that she called the calvary. But damn, if I’m not glad she did.

Seeing everyone from back home was like getting a hard reset. Even though I’ve been the worst and avoided everyone for God only knows how long, no one acted like it. There was mischief, madness, and probably murder. I thought I could maybe fuck my ex and get over Koda, but he’s never been an enabler. The problem with Brin is that he’s an empath. He feels other people’s pain and takes it on as his own. I ended up telling him all of the things about Koda that I didn’t tell Penny, even though I knew it was hard for him to listen. I didn’t even feel better after.

He’ll probably write a new album titled SWEETHVRT.

That’s all I do. I hurt. There’s only one person that knows exactly how, and I almost threw it all away just to hear his voice. To have that painful comfort I’ll never be able to move past.

I went to Prince’s going away party, which gave me a few hours of reprieve from the demons. I chain smoked the entire affair, and it didn’t help. He knew something was up with me, but it was so crowded that he couldn’t ask me about it. Angel ended up fighting with Gavin and left me there. It’s not that I’m not familiar with everyone. I stood on the fringes of the groups discussing techniques and telling wild stories, but I didn’t contribute.

After Alexi returned the car, he didn’t bring Koda up again. Never even alluded to his existence. I’m not sure if that was better or worse. I may have walked away, but it wasn’t the kind of win I wanted. Koda didn’t come after me. He didn’t text me. He didn’t say anything at all. He disappeared, and that pissed me off in ways I wasn’t prepared for.

Christmas sucked, but it always does. Unlike Cuntsgiving, Penny and I both refuse to acknowledge that it’s a holiday or any sort of anniversary. She spent the day locked in the studio, and I spent the entire day reading. When I got the text from Koda, it was just after I had lost myself in my book. It’s a curse having ever known him at all. Sleep? Damien. Awake? Damien…and Koda.

I’ve seen a lot of men in jail, but Koda has been, by far, the hottest. It’s because he didn’t belong there. It’s because it was proof that I somehow ruined him, too.

I knew we couldn’t avoid each other forever, so I decided the best vengeance was to continue pretending we were nothing. He asked me if I was going to be okay without Penny. The fucking audacity. I wanted to scream at him ‘Don’t pretend you give a fuck about me’, but that’s what a desperate bitch does. That would show him a modicum of emotion.

That went out of the window as soon as I was drunk.

He’s the worst, but he’s also got a way of just demanding my attention. I know I’m the best he’s ever had. The way he fucked me in the bar bathroom proved it. It was a moment of weakness that I will probably repeat again.

Penny stands in the doorway brushing her teeth. “When are you going to admit that you actually like him?” Toothpaste dribbles down her chin.

“Who?” I lie.

She rolls her eyes and pulls it from her mouth. “Koda.”

“Can’t like something full of air.”

She spits into the sink. “Oh yeah? Is that why you banged him into the New Year?”

“He has a great dick, and he knows how to use it.”

“Yeah, you definitely didn’t like him.” She rinses her mouth out. “Get your shit together.”

“Weird how he ended up at the same bar we were.” I glare at her.

“Wasn’t me. Swear. It was the Universe,” she promises. “You’ve been fucking mopey. At the very least, you need something to do while I’m gone. If that’s Koda then so be it. At least he’ll keep you dick drunk.”

“Things did not go well last time. This was just a drunken fuck in a bar bathroom. Gross, just like him.”

“Doesn’t sound gross. Sounds hot.”

“Can we stop talking about Football Chance and start saying goodbye.”

“It’s not goodbye, bitch.” She throws a towel at me, and I follow her out of the room. “Literally calling you every day.”

“I should come to the airport.” I start to grab my things.

“We both agreed that would be terrible because we would express too much emotion,” Penny points out, putting her shoes on.

“What am I supposed to spend my day doing? The shop is closed.”

“How about Koda?”

“Really? Are we going to keep returning to this?”

“You will,” she snickers. “Cause he’s coming here with Alexi.”

“Fucking what ?”

The door flies open and the two assholes step through. Koda has a fucking know-it-all smirk on his face. “Hey, baby girl.”

“Don’t call me that,” I snarl.

“Woah, I’m too sober for the tension to be this high,” Alexi laughs, grabbing Penny’s bags.

“I can’t believe you. You fucking bitch,” I hiss.

Penny wraps me in a hug. “You can. Love you. Talk to you later. You can’t kill him because there’s no one to help you bury the body.” She practically skips out of the fucking house because she's so pleased with herself.

“Aren’t you going to the airport?” Koda asks.

“No.”

“Right. Emotions.”

His presence shoves all of the hurt to the side and manages to replace it with sarcastic anger. “You don’t know anything about emotions. Why are you here? Back for your sloppy seconds?”

“Oh, you’re mad about what I said to Cole when I punched him?” He looms over me then leans down, an inch away from my face. “You are my sloppy seconds, Ash. I know I’m yours.”

My breath quickens. What the fuck. “You’re nothing to me.”

He chuckles darkly. “I know you don’t believe that.”

He slaps something onto the counter. My eyes slowly roll to it. It takes me a minute to realize what it is. My missing sketch book. He fucking stole it. My lids widen in surprise then narrow with anger that could rival Satan’s. There are so many questions being eviscerated in my mental fire, but Koda interrupts them.

“Oh yeah, baby girl. I stole it. Why do you think I got you a new one?”

If it was possible, fire would be coming out of my mouth. He stole it. He gave me the new sketch book because he felt guilty. Maybe he wanted to psychoanalyze me and find ways to fuck with me further. Manipulative prick.

“I. Fucking. Hate . You.”

“So I was right. We aren’t nothing.”

I scream in frustration. “What is this? Some kind of blackmail?”

I know what’s drawn in there. My terrors. My heartbreaks. Evil drips from those pages as if they’re soaked in all of the blood that was spilled for years. Koda has seen all of that. I don’t know when he got this, but he’s such an asshole that I know he looked through it. He seems fucking pleased with himself.

I reach for it, trying to snatch it, and he smashes his hand on top of mine on the cover. “Not so fast.”

“What do you want?”

“You’re going to be my girlfriend.”

What? I’m shocked. I’m confused. I don’t even know what the fuck this feeling is. It’s angry and excited and uncomfortable all at once.

“The ‘roids have gotten to your head. You’re insane.”

He presses my body into the sink, the edge of the counter digging into my back.

“I am." He grins. “I pretend I’m not, but I am. Did you know that I know everywhere you go? Did you know that I have access to your phone? Smith didn’t call me that night, Ash. He didn’t even know you were there. After you left, I tried to stop watching you because you were right. It was all out of hand. On New Years I thought about going into another year without you, and I realized I just didn’t want to. I told you this isn’t over until I say it is.”

His grin widens and his nostrils flare. “So it’s not over. The mistake I made the first time, was not laying a claim to you. Yeah, we’ve been to parties and you’ve been at the locker room, but back then you just looked like a groupie. That’s exactly how you wanted it to look, too. I fixed that at the bar. You’ll be my fucking girlfriend whether you like it, or not.”

I laugh nervous and high pitched. There’s a darkness to Koda. It’s what attracted me. This whole thing makes me wet, and the alarm bells are ringing so loudly in my head that whatever sensibilities were left are fucking evacuating. Everything except for one. I like to make things difficult.

“You can just say you want sex, you don’t need to go to all of this trouble.”

“I want more, Ash. If I have to fill you with cum to get it, I will,” he promises. I want to laugh it off, but he’s dead fucking serious.

I try to act like his words haven’t somehow gone straight to my pussy. “I already told you, I don’t take cum as a form of payment. Thanks anyways."

He gives an aggravated growl. “You’re not listening to me.”

“I heard your weird OCPD bullshit. You can’t control me, Ko, and you never will. I know that must be difficult to accept, being walked out on and all, but—”

“It is. I’m fucking thinking about you all of the time. I thought maybe it was the sex, but it’s not." He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. I’m pretty sure I turn into an actual statue. My mind is full of gibberish. “You have one chance to choose to be my girlfriend.”

“Or what?” I recover, crossing my arms and pulling myself away from his grasp.

“Or I will make it so. You should know by now that my threats aren’t empty.”

“You think I haven’t been threatened before?” I go nose to nose with him on my tip toes and amusement fills those coal black eyes.

“I think it’s probably the only way you know how to communicate that isn’t sex. I’ll play every game you want, baby girl, but they’ll all end the same.”

I want to scream again, but I hold my composure. “I can’t wait to see you crying over avocado toast. Do you need me to show you the door, or should I draw you a map?”

He smirks, and it’s honestly to die for. I’ve been trying not to think about it, but I’ve drawn it a ton in the sketch book he gave me. Time to fucking burn it. He’s been in all of my shit, which isn’t surprising. He’s controlling. The possessive shit makes sense, honestly. Koda doesn’t like to share his toys. I’ve known that since day one, but it’s driving him mad that he might be after I walked away. That’s why he hit Cole. That’s the only reason he’s here and doing this. If he wants to play games, we can fucking do that, but I make the goddamn rules.

Why the hell did I ever let this happen in the first place? He made it seem like a convenience. It felt like I was doing us both a favor. That’s not what this was. He lured me. I’m not even angry about that, but I’m scared. He said he kissed me at that bar to lay a claim to me. How many people saw it? I should want this. Every other woman on the face of the earth would be enamored by Koda. Every woman except for me.

He said he wants more. It reminds me of my greatest fears and my greatest shames. I’ve spent years trying to forget them. Yet, that was all I wanted him to scream at me that morning it all fell apart. They always say not to call yourself a victim, but a survivor. They’re the same fucking thing to me. Attractive men forcing me into shit is my heroin. I’m not a victim. I’m not a survivor. I’m just a fucking idiot, because I can’t wait until Koda starts to play our first game. I’m fucking thrilled by the thought.

I watch him back away. He leaves the stolen book on the counter.

“See you later, Ashland.” It’s ominous. It’s psychotic. It’s stalkerish. It’s fucking sexy.

If I wasn’t trying to look like a competitive brat, I would be panting and jumping him like a bitch in heat. I watch as he disappears down the hall, and the front door shuts behind him. Finally, I release the breath I was holding. His scent still lingers in the air making my mouth water.

“Fuck,” I mutter to myself, slamming my elbows onto the counter and shoving my face into my hands.

I start to think as hard as I can. He thinks he wants to be with me. So I’ll change his fucking mind. The wheels turn and turn as I plan my next sabotage. Koda wants to lay a claim to a slut? Guess we’ll have to show everyone what a big fucking slut I am. It’s easy to piss Koda off. I think he likes to be angry, but embarrassed? That's the only way out of this.

Now that he’s back, I can go the proper way about getting over him.

I pull out my phone and find where he shared my location. The corners of my mouth turn up with malice. I can’t believe I never checked it before. He showed his hand. Koda is conniving, but so am I.

Boys belong on Jupiter, and Koda will be their fucking king.