Page 8 of Santino (The Camboy Network #4)

CHAPTER

SEVEN

HAYDEN

I didn’t accidentally stub my toe on the bag of books in my room.

The bag wasn’t even in the middle of the floor.

It was sitting in the corner where I always put it.

I went and kicked the damn thing because I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was going out of my mind. I needed the pain pulsing in my foot to distract me from the nonstop drone of the voice in my head.

It didn’t work. The voice just had something new to berate me about. What kind of idiot goes and kicks a bag of books on purpose?

But then Santino came to check on me. And then he teased me.

Then somehow I ended up cooking for him while we made dirty jokes like teenage boys.

I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to pull me out of the endless downward spiral that was killing me.

And as long as I didn’t let my mind wander, as long as I stayed focused on him, everything was fine.

Good, even. Maybe a little bit great. I haven’t had that much fun cooking in months.

Santino is so funny. I didn’t expect that, for some reason.

I mean, the dad jokes are corny and the dirty jokes are silly, but there’s something absurd and ridiculous about his humor that makes my problems feel less bad.

Like, here, have a joke, you don’t have to take life so seriously. You can spare a couple laughs.

Watching Santino eat is about as hot as watching one of our Camboy Network videos.

He’s so expressive, moaning and groaning with every bite he takes.

I mean, the brown sugar bacon waffles are good, but you’d think they were laced with cocaine from the sounds he makes.

Now I want to feed him all sorts of delicious things so I can watch him eat all the time.

After we finish breakfast and clean up the kitchen, we have just enough time to get ready before leaving for Noel and Bellamy’s apartment.

Santino is nearly bouncing off the walls as we step out, barely able to contain his excitement.

His smile is so wide. His eyes are so bright.

There’s an energy radiating off him that’s utterly contagious.

I recognize the feeling. The anticipation at the start of a project. Eagerness to jump in and create something shiny and new. But I haven’t felt that rush, that thrill for a while now. And certainly not over this documentary project.

The truth is, I’ve been kind of dreading it. I mean, I’m happy for Noel and Bellamy. I really am. They couldn’t be more perfect for each other. But do I want to spend the next few weeks documenting just how ecstatic they are to get married? Not really.

It’s selfish of me, I know. But I don’t really want the constant, in-my-face reminder of how my friends are moving on with their lives and leaving me behind.

I don’t have a choice though. Sebastian needs an extra pair of hands to help with the cameras and I’m the most obvious person to ask. It would’ve been a real douchebag move for me to say no. No matter how I’m feeling, no matter how much I don’t want to, when my friends need me, I’ll be there.

Seeing how enthusiastic Santino is to get started on the documentary, it’s hard not to get excited too. His smile is infectious. His laughter is irresistible. And by the time we’re walking into Noel’s building, I feel like maybe this won’t be as bad as I expected.

The doorman is waiting for us and when we arrive, he ushers us directly into the elevator.

Noel lives on the top floor of a Lower East Side building, in a penthouse loft that looks out above the roofs of the surrounding neighborhood.

The apartment looks like it’s been taken straight out of some interior design magazine, with a sleek stainless-steel kitchen, a large U-shaped leather sectional, and a rustic dining table that seats ten.

Bellamy answers the door and when he steps back to let us in, Santino’s jaw drops. Laughing, Bellamy throws an arm around Santino’s shoulders. “Sick place, right?”

“Uh huh.” Santino’s jaw is still on the floor. “You live here?” he whispers with a look of awe in his eyes.

“Yes,” Bellamy says, matching Santino’s volume. “Why are we whispering?”

“I don’t know.”

Bellamy gives him a light, playful shove, then continues in a normal voice. “Come on, let me show you around.” He guides Santino toward the windows and I find myself hovering awkwardly in the middle of the room.

My body wants to follow Santino to the windows.

My brain reminds me I shouldn’t be so clingy.

There’s something so light and refreshing about Santino, like he’s able to clear the air around him of anything bad or heavy or dark.

An irrational part of me gravitates toward that, wanting to stay in his bubble of safety for as long as I can.

But logically, I know I can’t. I shouldn’t.

I’m bad for him. I’ll contaminate him. He should stay far away from me.

He should run and save himself before I end up hurting him.

“Hayden!” Sebastian waves me over to the large dining room table where he’s laying out black binders. “How’s it going with Santino?” he asks, skipping over pleasantries.

“Um, okay?” If I don’t count him seeing me struggling at the club last night. Or my freak-out this morning. Or me kicking a stack of books that had him running to make sure I was alright.

At my less-than-enthusiastic answer, Sebastian glances up from straightening a binder and casts me a questioning look.

Squirming, I put on the smile I know will put him at ease.

“It’s been great, actually. He’s a really cool guy.

He’s not a morning person. He drinks his coffee black.

I made waffles for us this morning and added bacon because he likes bacon.

” I stop myself from rambling as Sebastian’s expression goes from amused to concerned.

He opens his mouth and I brace myself for questions I don’t want to answer, but Bellamy interrupts just in time.

“You guys want anything to drink?” Bellamy asks, heading to the kitchen. “We’ve got beer if we’re day drinking. Otherwise, soda, LaCroix, water…?”

“Whiskey!” Noel shouts before appearing from the hallway that leads to the bedrooms.

“No day drinking!” Sebastian shouts back and Noel rolls his eyes. “I need everyone alert and focused for this meeting.”

Bellamy grabs an armful of LaCroix cans from the fridge and brings them over to the dining room table.

“Don’t forget the coasters!” Noel calls out.

“Yeah, babe, I’ve got them.” Bellamy sounds equal parts exasperated and indulgent. He places cans down on the thick glass coasters already set out in front of each chair.

“Alright, let’s get started,” Sebastian says. “I’ve made custom packages for everyone, so please find the binder with your name on it and sit in your assigned seat.”

Noel rolls his eyes again and Bellamy backhands him lightly on the arm. Noel sticks out his bottom lip in a pout as he rubs the sore spot.

Sebastian takes the seat at the head of the table, with Noel and Bellamy on either side of him, facing each other. Then Santino and I are in the next seats down, also facing each other.

The moment we’re seated, Sebastian starts. “If you open your binder, you’ll find a table of contents. This will help you locate whatever information you’re looking for. We’ll go through the binder one section at a time.”

Across the table from me, Santino’s jaw is slack as he flips quickly through his binder. “Whoa…” he murmurs under his breath.

It’s always fun watching someone experience Sebastian for the first time and Santino’s response is perfection. He sneaks a peek at me, as if asking whether this is for real and I give him a little shrug. Yeah, this is for real for real.

Sebastian takes us through the binders’ daily and hourly breakdowns of the shooting schedule, including location details, a list of equipment needed, costume requirements for those in front of the camera.

He’s outlined each scene with key dramatic moments, preliminary dialogue prompts, and suggested camera angles.

He’s got us scouting wedding venues and doing tuxedo fittings and cake tastings.

There’s a weekend-long bachelor party, and then the actual wedding.

The only thing we’re not doing on camera is signing the damn marriage certificate—Noel and Bellamy are doing that in a more private ceremony with Bellamy’s family in Ohio.

Santino looks stunned through it all. The rest of us are used to Sebastian throwing a truck ton of information at us all at once, but I’m not sure how much Santino is actually absorbing.

When Sebastian pauses to ask if there are any questions, Santino sits back in his chair, a dazed look on his face.

Bellamy suggests we take a break and after a moment of hesitation, Sebastian agrees.

Santino is up and out of his seat before the rest of us can push our chairs back. He immediately pulls Sebastian away and I watch as they migrate to the other side of the room.

What are they talking about? Is Santino backing out of the project? The binders are pretty intimidating. Maybe this isn’t what he thought he was signing up for.

Or maybe it’s me. He doesn’t want to stay with me anymore. He feels uncomfortable around the strange dude who goes around kicking things because he hears a voice in his head.

From across the room, Sebastian shoots me a quick, examining look before turning back to Santino.

Yeah, it’s probably you.

Doubt slithers through my mind, twisting everything that’s happened in the past day into a darker, more menacing version of what I remember.

Santino only ate my waffles because he felt bad saying no.

He only came to sit next to me at the club because he was tired.

He only checked in on me when I kicked the books because I was making too much noise.

Everything takes on a sinister, shadowy hue until I don’t know what’s true anymore.

I hurry to the bathroom as an ache blossoms in my chest. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m going to ruin this project. I’m the last person Santino should be staying with. They would all be better off without me.

The ache expands across my chest, rising up to my throat until it feels like I’m suffocating. I huddle on the bathroom floor, wishing I was at home, in bed, curled up under the covers. I never should’ve come today. I never should’ve agreed to let Santino live with me. I’m so dumb. I’m so stupid.

A knock on the door makes me jump. “Hey, Sebastian told me to tell you we’re starting again,” Noel calls through the door.

I suck in a lungful of air and my head spins. I can’t tell up from down anymore. I can’t tell left from right. Everything feels so mixed up, like I’m being tossed in a current and buried under several feet of water.

Noel knocks again. “You hear me?”

“Yeah, one sec,” I croak, pushing myself unsteadily to my feet. My hand shakes as I turn on the faucet and splash cold water on my face. When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize the man staring back at me.

He looks like me. He has my hair, my eyes, my nose. But he doesn’t feel like me anymore. I feel like I’m someone else masquerading as Hayden.

Noel’s still there when I open the bathroom door. He gives me a strange look, like he’s wary of what I might’ve been doing in his bathroom. “You good?”

I force my face into a smile and hope it’s good enough to fool him. “Yeah, I’m good.”

I don’t know if he believes me.

When we get back to the dining table, Sebastian and Santino are already seated.

“So, small change in plans,” Sebastian says. “Hayden, how do you feel about performing with Santino?”