Page 14 of Santino (The Camboy Network #4)

CHAPTER

THIRTEEN

HAYDEN

I’ve never done anything like this before and I’m not just talking about the erectile dysfunction drugs. I’ve never been so selfish before, just taking what I want, who cares how it impacts anyone else.

I should back out of the video altogether so Santino can have a partner who’s not broken. That would give the video the best chance of succeeding. But I don’t want to back out. I don’t want to see Santino with some other guy. I want to be the one he’s with in front of that camera.

I want to be the one he’s kissing, the one he’s touching.

I want to wrap myself around him and lose myself in him.

He was joking about magical kisses, but I think there’s some truth to that.

Because when I’m with him, the darkness doesn’t feel as dark and the heaviness doesn’t feel as heavy.

And my body comes alive in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time.

His kisses were so soft and sweet. He made the most delicious sounds. It was so easy for me to lose myself in him and for those few fleeting moments, I was Old Hayden again. Happy, confident, carefree.

It didn’t even matter that I couldn’t get fully hard. I still felt something—a lot of something. Heat in my stomach, tingling along my skin, shudders of pleasure down my spine.

He doesn’t owe me anything. It’s not his responsibility to make me better. If I were a good person, I would push him as far away from me as possible. But I’m not a good person. I want Santino. And now I’m going to do something I know is wrong just to keep him.

I message Sebastian.

Hayden

Hey, do we have those ?

Sebastian responds immediately.

Sebastian

You mean sildenafil?

Why? You need them?

My hands shake as I type.

Hayden

Yeah, those. Do we have them?

Sebastian

We do. Why do you need them?

No reason. Just in case.

Just in case of what?

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be nonchalant and cool and just take what I want without caring what other people think. I’m not Noel.

My phone starts vibrating and I’m so startled by it, it slips out of my hands and lands on the floor. I rush to pick it up, only to find Sebastian’s name across the screen. I don’t want to talk to him. He’ll ask questions I don’t know how to answer.

My throat starts tightening and dread settles into an ache in my chest. How did I get here? Afraid to answer the phone because one of my best friends is calling. Being super sus while asking for drugs like I’m some sort of addict. This isn’t who I am. I’m better than this.

Are you sure about that?

I shove my phone under my pillow and run out of the room, slamming the door shut behind me.

The window in the living room is open and when I bend down to peer through it, I find Santino sitting on the fire escape, a mug of coffee cradled in his hands. Just seeing him sends a wave of calm through me and my feet automatically carry me to the window.

I climb out and when Santino sees me, he spreads his knees so I can sit between them on the step below him. He leans forward, resting his chin on my shoulder so his cheek is next to mine.

“Want a sip?” he asks, holding out his cup.

I take the steaming mug and pour half of it down my throat. The scalding hot coffee burns and sets fire to my stomach. I wince at the pain, but it’s a welcome relief compared to the chaos raging in my head.

Santino takes the mug back and silently plants a kiss on my temple. My eyes drift shut as I let myself be enveloped by his cinnamon scent mixed with the rich aroma of coffee. The tightness in my throat loosens just a bit.

“It’s nice out here,” Santino says. “I don’t have a balcony in San Francisco.”

I glance around the rusty old fire escape, then down to the trees lining the street below. The sun is just peeking over the buildings across the street. “I don’t come out very often,” I reply.

“Why not?”

I shrug. “It just never occurs to me.”

“You should. It’s nice.”

I take Santino’s arm and wrap it around my chest, then let out a breath as I lean back against him. He’s warm and solid. And if I ignore all the shit going on in my head, I can almost convince myself I’m happy.

I wish we could’ve stayed out on the fire escape all day. But eventually, we climbed back inside and got ready to leave for the shoot. By the time we get to the fancy apartment Noel had found for us to use, I’ve almost forgotten about the whole… pill thing. Almost .

Christian lets us into the apartment after we ring the doorbell. “Sebastian’s in one of the bedrooms,” he says, pointing to the left.

Before I can follow Santino down the hall, Christian grabs my elbow and slips something into my hand: a pill packet.

“Just one, about fifteen minutes before we start,” he murmurs quietly to me. “And Sebastian wants to talk to you.”

My stomach twists at both his instructions and his warning. It must show on my face because Christian’s expression softens with sympathy.

“Don’t sweat it. It happens to me every once in a while. It used to happen to everyone all the time back in the day,” he says, referring to decades ago when he first started in the porn industry. “And Sebastian’s just worried about you. We all are.”

He lets go of my arm and ambles off toward the corner where boxes of equipment and supplies are set up. I watch him for a moment, my stomach churning. It’s one thing for Sebastian to be worried. But what does Christian mean by “we all”?

Heaviness drags at my feet as I search for Santino and Sebastian. I find them in the primary bedroom, Sebastian running Santino through his preliminary day-of checklist.

Sebastian glances up from his clipboard as I enter and there’s an edge to his expression that makes me feel like a schoolboy called into the principal’s office.

“Alright, cool,” he says to Santino. He picks up a pair of folded boxer briefs and nods toward the en suite. “You can change into these. There are bathrobes hanging up in there.”

Santino takes the underwear and casts me a wary look. He must pick up on the tension between me and Sebastian. He’s too observant not to. I flash him a quick smile I hope is reassuring rather than alarming. His brows furrow a bit, but after a moment’s hesitation, he goes into the bathroom.

“Hayden,” Sebastian says the second the bathroom door snicks shut.

“Christian already gave them to me,” I interrupt, holding up the packet of diamond-shaped pills. My heart’s in my throat and the darkness closes in around me.

He steps closer and lowers his volume. “I don’t care about the pills. I want to know what’s going on.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My voice is artificially high and borderline hysterical.

“I think you do.”

I shake my head, the ache in my chest intensifying, and I resist the urge to rub on my sternum. “I’m fine.”

Sebastian scowls at me. “You’re obviously not fine. I should cancel the shoot today.”

“No!”

Sebastian’s eyebrows fly up at my outburst.

There’s a vise around my chest and my heart is beating so hard, it almost feels like I’m having a heart attack. “No, don’t cancel. Please. Santino’s been looking forward to this.”

He narrows his eyes, but before he can argue with me, the bathroom door opens again.

Santino stands in the doorway, eyes flicking back and forth between me and Sebastian.

I take advantage of the interruption and dart around Sebastian.

Santino steps to the side so I can slip into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.

I hear voices on the other side of the door, but I can’t make out what they’re saying over the sound of my own breathing.

Why did I think I could do this? That I could ask him for something I don’t normally need and he wouldn’t be curious why.

That I could avoid answering his questions without him getting suspicious.

Because you’re an idiot.

I gasp at the voice coming through loud and clear in my ears, so real it raises the hair on the back of my neck.

“Hayden?” A soft knock on the door behind me pulls me back from the brink. The doorknob turns halfway and only then do I realize I didn’t lock the thing. “I’m coming in.”

I step out of the way just enough for Santino to squeeze through.

I want to grab him, haul him to me, and bury my face in the crook of his neck until the darkness recedes.

But I don’t trust myself not to completely fall apart if I do that.

So instead, I wrap my arms around my middle and retreat to the far end of the bathroom.

Santino approaches me slowly. He’s wearing a fluffy white bathrobe that falls to his knees. His legs are bare underneath, feet padding on the tiled floor. “Hayden, we don’t have to do this.”

But we do have to do this. I’ve already fucked things up so much and it’ll all be for nothing if we don’t shoot the video today.

“I’m fine,” I somehow manage to squeak out.

Santino tilts his head with an unimpressed expression. “You don’t look fine.”

I turn away from him and catch my reflection in the mirror. He’s right. I don’t look fine at all. I look like a fucking lunatic with my hair all wild and my eyes totally manic. I squeeze them shut and force myself to take a few steadying breaths.

Soft footsteps on the tile bring Santino closer to me. “If you’re doing this for me, you don’t have to. We can reschedule. We don’t even have to perform together at all. I can do a solo video if that’s better. You shouldn’t put yourself through… this.”

I open my eyes in time to see him gesturing vaguely at me. This . He means freaking the fuck out. Spiraling out of control.

“I just…” I shake my head. I want to do this. I really do. I used to love making videos and I don’t want the darkness to steal away something I love. It’s stolen so much from me already, I can’t let it take this too. “I just need a minute.”

I take two steps toward the counter and turn on the faucet. The shock of cold water hitting my face clears some of the haze from my brain. When Santino puts his hand on my back and starts rubbing it, a little more of the fog dissipates.

I can do this. I need to do this. I can’t let the darkness win.