Page 29 of Santino (The Camboy Network #4)

CHAPTER

TWENTY-SEVEN

HAYDEN

I didn’t really want to go to dinner. What I wanted was to stay in the hotel room with Santino and listen to him talk more about his family. But Sebastian needed me to work the cameras and I couldn’t say no. And besides, everyone else would be there.

The hotel restaurant is nice. Everyone’s all dressed up.

The food is really fancy. Everything looks great on the viewscreen of the camera I’m using, and honestly, concentrating on that might be the only thing getting me through the night.

If I’m too preoccupied with making sure the footage is decent, then my brain can’t go rogue and spiral out of control.

If I stay focused on the task at hand, there’s not enough room in my head for the voice to intrude.

The other thing helping me get through the night is Santino.

He keeps glancing over at me when he should be paying attention to the scene.

He casts small smiles in my direction, like we’re sharing little secrets just between the two of us.

I might have more footage of Santino than anyone else, but I don’t care.

Sebastian stands from the table and waves me over. “Can you get a shot of Bellamy from this angle?” He shows me what he wants with his arm as a guide.

I line up the shot, then let Sebastian check it on the viewscreen.

“Perfect.” He slips back in his chair. “Action.”

At the end of the table, Bellamy stands and clinks the back of a knife against his champagne glass. A hush falls over the group. Gazing lovingly at Noel, Bellamy launches into the script Sebastian wrote for him.

He talks about how he and Noel are such an unlikely couple and how he was just as surprised as everyone else when their rivalry turned into love.

He talks about how well they complement each other and how they help each other become better people.

He talks about how he can’t imagine his life without Noel in it.

If I hadn’t already known Sebastian scripted the speech for him, I would’ve thought Bellamy was speaking off the cuff. The love shining in his eyes is so potent. The emotion in his voice is so visceral. There’s no way anyone can watch his speech and not think he and Noel are crazy in love.

A pang of longing hits me in the chest. I want what they have—so much it feels like a hunger gnawing at my insides.

At the same time, a powerful, toxic anger simmers, threatening to boil over.

I’m not even sure what I’m angry at, just that there’s this ball of ugliness lodged in my stomach that hates everything it sees.

And over everything is this filthy, disgusting blanket of sadness and self-pity.

Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Is this karma or something? Am I really such a bad person?

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Santino watching me. I don’t know if he can read the thoughts running through my mind. Or maybe he sees how my shoulders are hiked up to my ears, how my hands are shaking, how I’m struggling to breathe.

It takes everything I have to keep the damn camera in focus and pointed at Bellamy until he lifts the champagne glass for a toast. The second Sebastian yells cut, my arms fall to my sides and I almost drop the camera on the ground.

Santino’s next to me in a flash, taking the camera from my hands and safely depositing it on the table.

“Sorry, I…” I run my fingers through my hair.

I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for anymore.

For ruining the shot? For not being able to complete such a simple task?

For distracting him from the scene? For being a giant pain in the ass who needs his hand held every fucking second of every fucking day?

God, what is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

The darkness rolls in on menacing, thundering clouds. It swirls around my head, obscuring my vision and blocking out sounds. I latch onto Santino, afraid if I let go, I’ll collapse on the floor in a useless heap of limbs.

“I’m here. I’ve got you.” Santino pulls me close and I stumble in the direction he guides me.

When he pushes me into a chair, I’m holding on to him so tightly, I nearly pull him down with me. Cradling my head against his stomach, he cards his fingers through my hair and rocks me side to side.

A hand settles on my arm. It’s not Santino’s hand—it’s smaller, delicate, but strong. I’d recognize that hand anywhere. Rhys pulls me away from Santino and launches himself at me, grabbing me in a bear hug that shouldn’t be possible for someone so small.

Humiliation follows close on the heels of my surprise. Oh my god, I forgot he was here—that everyone is here. And everyone is currently witnessing my breakdown.

But as Rhys holds me in that tight hug, my body slowly remembers what it’s like to be held by him.

I melt into his embrace. I’ve missed this.

I’ve missed the times we spent cuddling on the couch together for movie nights.

I miss how generous he is with his affection and his fierce loyalty. I’ve missed my best friend.

My eyes sting with unshed tears.

“I love you, you know,” Rhys murmurs in my ear. “No matter what happens. I always will.”

I try to blink back the tears when he lets me go. But then Sebastian appears out of nowhere to take his place. His hug is just as tight as Rhys’s. “I’m so sorry, dude. We should’ve done better. We will do better.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, but stray droplets escape my lashes.

Embarrassment crashes through me at the attention I’m getting, attention I’m stealing away from Noel and Bellamy.

This is their bachelor party. They should be the focus—not me.

My friends shouldn’t be making such a fuss about me. I’m not worth it.

When Sebastian steps back, I’m shocked to find Noel waiting his turn.

I don’t remember the last time Noel and I hugged—if we ever have.

But he pulls me in for something quick and solid.

“Don’t be a smartass and try to do everything yourself.

You’re not that good at it and I’ve got a shit ton of money to throw at every problem. ”

Despite myself, a laugh bubbles up inside me. Trust Noel to find the most insulting way to be encouraging. He gives me a stinging slap on the back, then suddenly, I’m tugged to my feet and enveloped in a group hug with Rhys, Sebastian, and Noel pressing in on all sides.

Something inside me breaks and the tears come pouring down my cheeks. I can’t hold back the sobs any longer. I’ve been carrying this secret around for so long, trying to hide it from my friends, trying not to burden them with it.

My friends are all so cool in their own ways and I’ve always felt I should stay in the background so they can have the spotlight. But then I feel invisible, like they never see me, and it hurts.

That’s not their fault, though, is it? It’s mine. I should’ve said something when things started to get bad. I shouldn’t have avoided their questions or tried to run away. I should’ve trusted my friends to care about me, that they want to help.

Bellamy, Angel, and Christian step up behind their partners, forming a second circle around us.

They all press in tighter, squeezing me until it’s a little difficult to breathe.

I don’t mind. I feel like I’ve barely breathed in months and being in the middle of this group hug is filling me up with something more important than oxygen.

The group shifts and suddenly Santino is there. I latch onto him, drawing him into the middle of the circle. I want to get better so badly. For Santino. For my friends. For myself. I don’t want to be this broken, damaged person anymore. I want to be happy and healthy and whole.

But what if I don’t get better? What if I can’t? What if the doctor can’t help me and I stay broken forever? What if I get worse?

Will I lose my friends? Will I lose Santino?

All the pain I’ve carried around this past year comes tumbling out in great, heaving sobs. Fear and anger, my waning strength and bone-deep fatigue. I let it all go and admit defeat. I can’t fight the darkness anymore. Not on my own. I need help.

I cling to Santino, burying my face in the crook of his neck. He holds me as other hands rub my back and arms, as fingers card through my hair.

I don’t have to fight the darkness on my own anymore. I never should’ve tried to begin with.

When my tears finally slow, it’s not because there’s no reason to cry anymore. It’s because I’ve run out of tears. I’m wrung out and raw. It feels like the ugly mess I’ve kept inside all these months has been siphoned out of my body, leaving me staggering and off-kilter.

“I’m so sorry,” I croak when the sobs fade.

“Denny! You have nothing to be sorry for.” Rhys grips my arm and turns me toward him.

His eyes flash with determination and a fierceness I’ve always admired.

“ We’re the ones who should be sorry. We never should’ve let you drift so far away.

But that’s not happening again. We’re going to take such good care of you, you’re going to get sick of us.

” Rhys’s words sting like blood rushing back into a limb that’s gone numb.

“But I don’t—” The words get caught in my throat. I’m about to say I don’t want to be a burden, but voicing it out loud feels so stupid and pathetic.

“Nope, you have no choice.” Rhys crosses his arms over his chest and lifts his chin. “You’re stuck with us whether you like it or not.”

“Yup.” Sebastian gives me a “sorry, not sorry, dude” smile.

And when Noel doesn’t say anything, Rhys jabs him in the side with an elbow. “Ow, what the fuck? Yeah, Jesus, of course I’m going to help. I’m not an asshole.”

The entire group falls silent as we turn as one to stare at Noel.

From behind him, Bellamy leans in to rest his chin on Noel’s shoulder. “Babe, you’ve got a good heart, but you are one thousand percent an asshole.”

Noel smirks, all smug and arrogant.

“So, um, now I have to be the asshole because we need to get to the club.” Sebastian winces as he speaks. “But you and Santino don’t have to go.”

My brain is still a little slow from the meltdown and it takes me a second to figure out what Sebastian is saying.

“Yeah? You sure?” Santino perks up like this is what he’s been hoping for.

“Yeah, totally. We’ll… figure it out.”

“Wait, what? No, I don’t… I can still… camera stuff.” I can’t quite put together complete sentences yet, but they seem to know what I mean.

Sebastian shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. We can shoot the scene in stages. Christian and I will work the cameras first. Then we’ll film our portion after and I’ll edit it all together so it looks like everything’s happening at the same time. It’ll be fine.”

Except I can hear the slight tension in his voice and the tightness in his expression. It probably would be fine, but Sebastian doesn’t like last-minute changes like this. I’m supposed to work the cameras while the other guys are in the scene. That’s the plan.

Even though I know he’s looking out for me and making sure I don’t push myself too hard, a small part of me still feels like Sebastian’s trying to get rid of me. Like he thinks the shoot will go more smoothly without me there to fuck things up.

I’m torn. Going back to the hotel room and cuddling with Santino sounds really nice right now.

But I also don’t want to make extra work for Sebastian.

I don’t want to make things harder for him, but I also don’t want to be left behind.

I want to do the things all my friends are doing. I don’t want to miss out.

“No, I’m okay. I can do it,” I say, my voice sounding stronger than I feel.

Sebastian gives me an assessing look, then his gaze flicks to Santino.

Santino looks skeptical, but he shrugs. “If he says he’s okay…”

Sebastian hesitates for several long moments before he relents. “Fine, but you’ll let me know if you change your mind.”

I nod eagerly, hoping I haven’t just made a liar of myself.

“Alright, then let’s go.”