Page 1 of Santino (The Camboy Network #4)

CHAPTER

ONE

HAYDEN

It’s a beautiful summer day in New York City and I’m miserable.

Okay, maybe not miserable, but I’m definitely not happy.

The sun is shining, the temperature is a warm seventy-five. The sidewalks are filled with locals and tourists, all wearing bright smiles. The outdoor patios are packed with diners enjoying a late weekend brunch.

I should feel alive and cheerful. I should be buzzing with energy. But I’m not—I’m just… bleh.

I can feel the sun on my face, but I’m not basking in it. I can feel the light breeze stirring the air, but it doesn’t feel refreshing. I can hear the chatter and laughter of the other pedestrians on the sidewalk, but I’m not swept up in the liveliness all around me.

My brain’s registering everything, but that’s about it. It’s not making me happy like it normally does. I’m not the cheerful, upbeat person I used to be. I haven’t been for a while.

Rhys, my best friend, hangs off my arm as we stroll down the sidewalk together. “Angel thinks it’s too expensive, but I’m like, if we’re going all the way to Disney World, we might as well stay at a Disney hotel, right?”

“Mmhmm, yeah, makes sense to me.” I try to inject as much enthusiasm into my voice as I can and hope that Rhys doesn’t notice how flat it is.

“I’m going to get him one of those hats with the Mickey Mouse ears. OMG, he’s going to be so adorable,” Rhys gushes.

“Yeah, I’m sure he will.” I force a chuckle and it sounds, well, forced.

Rhys glances up at me, brows drawn together in concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course I’m okay.” I paste a smile on my face that tugs uncomfortably on my cheeks. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

Rhys studies me for several moments, long enough that I’m afraid my smile is going to slip. But then he jostles me gently. “I’m just worried about you.”

“Worried?” I make a sound that’s halfway between a scoff and a laugh, but to my own ears it sounds strangled. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

Rhys sighs dramatically. “You keep saying that…”

“Because it’s true.” The lie slips off my tongue and a little part of me dies inside.

Because it’s not true. There is something to worry about. I’m just not sure what.

A year ago, I would’ve been ecstatic and bouncing with excitement on a day like today. The weather is beautiful. I’m going to brunch with my best friends—Rhys, Sebastian, and Noel. I have a job I love and I live in the best city in the world.

But in the past year, things have gotten… weird. Off. I don’t really know how to explain it. I’m not usually someone who gets bothered by things. I’m an easy-going, optimistic guy. I like seeing the positives in every situation. I like celebrating all the good things in life.

But things have been getting to me. At first, it was the big things. Like when our monthly brunch date with the four of us got pushed back a week because Rhys had to spend the weekend with Angel’s family.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal.

We’ve had to reschedule brunches before.

But then it got pushed back again because Sebastian’s boyfriend, Christian, planned a surprise getaway for them.

Then again because Noel’s fiancé wanted to go to Burning Man.

Then all of a sudden, an entire month had gone by and we never managed to squeeze it in.

Honestly, Old Hayden wouldn’t have even noticed we missed a month. Old Hayden would’ve been happy that his friends were doing such cool things. But it got to me for some reason. It really bothered me.

Then it became smaller and smaller things.

Like I’d make enough dinner for me and Rhys, like I always do, even if he’s not home to eat it with me.

But then he messages to say he’s having dinner with Angel instead.

Or like I’d ask Sebastian if he wants to come over to play League of Legends and he’s busy working out with Christian.

Or like I’d send a message to the group chat and no one responds for a couple hours.

It’s all perfectly normal. But it bothers me.

“I don’t like that you’re in the apartment all by yourself,” Rhys says and I get this strange pang in my chest.

That’s something that just started recently. It’s almost like an ache, right underneath my sternum. It’s not a physical pain. At least, I don’t think anything’s physically wrong with me. But I have to, like, breathe through it as if it were a muscle cramp.

“I don’t think I’d ever want to live on my own. It must be so lonely coming home to an empty apartment.”

“No! It’s not lonely. I mean, I miss having you there, obviously. But I’m good.” The ache in my chest grows with each lie.

Rhys debated for months before deciding to move out of the apartment we’ve shared for half a decade and in with his boyfriend.

He wanted to move sooner, but he kept putting it off because he was concerned about me.

I knew if I’d asked him to stay, he totally would’ve.

But that would’ve been a dick move on my part.

He and Angel went through a lot to be together and they deserve to be happy without having to worry about me.

“Are you sure?” Rhys casts me a skeptical look. He knows me better than anyone else in the world, so I make sure to smile with my eyes too.

“Of course! Besides, I won’t be alone for long. Bellamy’s friend is moving in soon.”

Noel’s fiancé, Bellamy, used to live in San Francisco and the guy who’s moving in with me was his roommate, I think.

I’m not too clear on that whole situation, to be honest. All I know is Noel and Bellamy are getting married.

Sebastian convinced them to film the entire planning process and make a documentary out of it.

And this guy is coming to play Bellamy’s friend-slash-best man in the film… I think.

Sebastian’s always got these genius ideas that he ropes the rest of us into. I remember thinking this one was really cool when he first explained it to us, but the details are kind of murky now.

Rhys lights up. “Oh yeah! What’s his name again?”

“Uh…” See, that’s one of the murky details I can’t quite conjure up.

I kind of see the name in my mind, kind of feel the way it sounds on my tongue, but not entirely.

Like his name is a ghost who disappears if I focus on it too hard.

Same with when exactly he’s getting here or how long he’s staying.

Rhys gives me a funny look. I’m usually pretty good with random details, but the harder I try to remember, the more I lose the shape of it.

“No worries. We’ll ask Sebastian at brunch.” He picks up the pace, dragging me along the sidewalk.

Half a block later, Rhys directs us toward a restaurant and I hold the door open for him to go in first. Sebastian and Noel are already seated at a table, sipping Bellinis, and Rhys and I slip into the two empty chairs.

Sebastian doesn’t bother saying hello and launches right into business.

People who don’t know him think he’s a little intense, but he’s the mastermind who turned a ragtag group of camboys into The Camboy Network, one of the leading adult entertainment studios in the industry.

“Are you ready for Santino?” he fires off at me.

Who? What? I stare blankly at him while my brain scrambles to catch up.

“Bellamy’s friend? He’s staying with you?” Noel prompts. He cocks an eyebrow at me like I’ve forgotten my own name.

That’s when it clicks. “Oh! Santino! Yeah, totally ready.” I swallow down the nervous laughter that would definitely give me away.

“Good,” Sebastian says, not missing a beat as he turns to Noel. “His flight lands at three-twenty on Thursday afternoon. You and Bellamy are going to pick him up from JFK.”

Noel huffs an annoyed sigh as if he’s being asked to personally drive the guy from San Francisco. Noel’s annoyed a lot. It’s a part of his bad-boy persona that his rabid fans love so much. “Yeah, I guess.”

“No guessing. You are,” Sebastian corrects.

“I still don’t get why he can’t just take a cab or whatever,” Noel grumbles.

“I still don’t get why he can’t stay with you and Bellamy,” Sebastian shoots back, pinning Noel with a pointed look. “He’s Bellamy’s friend. It would make more sense for the doc.”

Noel pouts and slouches down in his chair. “We like having our privacy.”

“More like you’re jealous of him and you want to keep Bellamy to yourself,” Rhys jumps in with a smirk.

“Fuck you. What would I have to be jealous about?” Noel’s pout deepens.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because he’s known Bellamy longer than you have? He used to live with Bellamy? Or maybe you’re just a jealous bitch who doesn’t like to share,” Rhys says, his voice taunting.

Noel’s pout turns devilish. “Oh, I like to share just fine.” There’s more than enough innuendo in his voice for us to know exactly what he’s talking about—and it’s not food.

“Anyway,” Sebastian cuts in, bringing us back on track.

“Santino’s flight lands at three-twenty.

I’d give him at least thirty minutes to disembark and get through the airport.

Pickup is no later than four o’clock. They should be at your place around five-ish, Hayden.

You’ll be at home to meet them?” Sebastian phrases the last sentence like a question, but we all know it’s an order.

Seeing my friends around the table like this, just being themselves and bantering, it deepens the ache in my chest…

which makes no sense at all. I should be thrilled right now.

I should be ecstatic. I’ve missed spending time with the guys, so I should be soaking it all in and savoring it.

Yet all I can think about is how rare these opportunities are and dread the moment we all go our separate ways again.

But I put on a brave face, a smiling one. “I’ll be there!” My voice cracks on the last word when I try to force a little too much cheerfulness into it.

Sebastian gives me a puzzled look before continuing. “Good. I’ll double-check with Christian, but I’m pretty sure he finishes work at six. We can all have dinner together to welcome Santino to the city, then head to The Bronzed Rail. You’ll be performing?” he asks Rhys.

“I’ve actually got a new pole dance routine I’ll be doing,” Rhys answers. “Angel’s already planning on being at the club, so he can meet Santino too. It’s perfect!”

Sebastian nods like that was a part of his plan all along. “Excellent. It’s all set then. We’ll have a pre-production meeting on Friday afternoon at Noel and Bellamy’s. Shooting starts on Monday. Questions?”

The waiter comes over to take our order and after he leaves, the conversation turns to who everyone thinks will be nominated for the Grabbys.

Noel and Bellamy won the industry award for best flip-fuck last year and Noel’s convinced they’ll win it again this time.

Rhys thinks Angel will for sure be nominated for best male newcomer.

And Sebastian is keeping his fingers crossed for best director.

My name doesn’t come up, which is fine. Really. It is. I’ve done some good videos this past year, but nothing earth-shattering or record-breaking. I’ve never been nominated for the Grabbys and I’d be surprised if I ever will. I’m not that kind of performer… you know, flashy, charismatic, memorable.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m hot and hung, two basic requirements to be a gay porn star.

But there are dozens of guys who are hotter and more hung than I am—three of whom are right around the table with me.

I’m more than happy to see my friends up on stage while I cheer them on from below.

I like being the supportive friend who celebrates when they succeed.

So why is the ache in my chest growing? Why does it feel like it’s cracking my chest open? Why does it feel like it might swallow me whole?