Page 27 of Santino (The Camboy Network #4)

CHAPTER

TWENTY-FIVE

HAYDEN

He’s not leaving. That’s what he said on the phone to his mom. He’s staying in New York.

Santino’s grin is wide and lopsided. “Uh, yeah, I told Sebastian to cancel my flight. So I guess that means…” He lifts both hands, then lets them drop to his thighs. “You’re stuck with me.” His grin fades as a touch of uncertainty bleeds into his expression. “Is that okay?” he asks more quietly.

My eyes prickle with tears and I don’t know why. This is what I wanted, what I hoped for. So why am I crying over getting something I want?

Santino closes the distance between us with two steps. “Hey, hey.” He cups my cheeks and wipes at the stray tears with his thumbs. “What’s wrong? Do you not want me to stay? I can move out if you want your own space?—”

“No!” The single word bursts from somewhere in the middle of my chest. So loud Santino blinks a few times at its force. “I mean, no. I don’t want you to move out. I want you to stay.”

His grin comes back, goofy and full of joy. Just seeing it soothes the constant pain eating away at my insides and I find myself smiling back at him.

“You’re wonderful, you know that?” Santino’s words grate on my skin like rough sandpaper.

I shake my head. I’m not wonderful. I’m fucked up and defective. Selfish and manipulative. A burden. A nuisance. I make life harder for all my friends. If he stays with me, I’ll make life unbearable for Santino too. I’m a mess and he should run as far away as he possibly can.

“Yes, you are.” Santino nods. “I don’t care what that fucking voice is saying in your head. You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.”

I’m still shaking my head and tears are trailing down my cheeks as I fall into Santino, letting him pull me tightly against him. My arms wrap around his waist. My face is buried in the crook of his neck. He whispers kind words that peel off layer after layer of skin.

“You are so smart. I don’t know anyone else who reads as much as you do.”

But I haven’t read a book in weeks.

“You’re so talented in the kitchen. You cook better than my mom. Better than the chefs at the restaurant.”

I’m cooking less than half as much as I used to.

“You’re incredibly selfless. You put all your friends before yourself. Even when you shouldn’t.”

That’s not true. I’m selfish. I’ve been using him. If I was selfless, I should be pushing him away so he doesn’t waste his time with me.”

“You’re really fucking hot. Like one of those Greek gods. Which one is the really hot one?”

“Adonis,” I mumble into his neck.

“Yeah, that guy. You’re Adonis.”

Except my dick won’t get hard unless I take drugs.

“Want me to keep going?”

I shake my head, but Santino doesn’t listen.

“Not only are you hot, but you’re adorable too.

Like a puppy. Your heart is so pure and all you want is to be happy and full of joy.

You’re incredibly responsible and reliable.

Sebastian always turns to you first whenever he needs help.

You’re so supportive of your friends, always hyping them up to other people. ”

The tears flow as Santino’s words strip me bare.

I’m raw and exposed with no defenses left to protect me.

I want to be all the things Santino’s described.

I used to be all those things. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find my way back to that version of myself.

Old Hayden might not exist anymore. He might be lost forever.

Santino guides me to the couch and helps me sit down. “Hold on, just one sec.” He rushes to the bedroom and comes running back with all the blankets in his arms. “I didn’t want us to get cold,” he explains as he lays the blankets over me.

We cuddle on the couch until my tears slow and stop.

I’m exhausted, but I don’t want to sleep.

I feel like I’ve been sleeping for days and it’s only making me more tired.

I rest my head on Santino’s shoulder. He tilts his head to rest it against mine.

Together, we stare across the living room at nothing.

“Is everything okay with your mom?” I ask, remembering his phone call.

Santino heaves a sigh. “No, everything is super not okay. She thinks I don’t love her and that’s why I’m moving so far away from her.

But…” He pauses and nuzzles the top of my head.

When he speaks again, his voice is laced with remorse rather than anger.

“She’s probably just scared. Both my sisters live within ten minutes of my parents.

They’ve never had a kid who up and left and my mom doesn’t know how to handle it. ”

“Will she get over it?” Because my family couldn’t care less who stayed or who left and they certainly wouldn’t get upset over it.

“I hope so. I should text my sisters and tell them what happened. They can check in on her in case she has a relapse.”

“A relapse?” That doesn’t sound good. A thread of guilt tightens around me at the possibility that I’ve caused Santino’s mom to succumb to her depression again.

“It’s not really a relapse. That’s just what we call it. It’s more like she gets stuck inside her own head and she can’t snap out of it to see reason.”

His description lands with painful accuracy. “Like me.”

Santino pauses for a beat before speaking again. “Is that what it feels like for you?”

I don’t know exactly how it feels, except it hurts. I’ve never quite been able to put it into words. “Kind of.”

Santino presses a kiss to the top of my head. “We’ll find a way to get you out. I promise.”

I want to believe him. But I’m afraid that’s a promise he won’t be able to keep.

“Sebby said he got you that appointment with his therapist?” Rhys asks from under his big floppy hat.

We’re sitting on a picnic blanket in the middle of the park.

Noel is on the other side of Rhys. Angel and Christian are at the barbecue, grilling up sausages and hamburgers.

Bellamy, Sebastian, and Santino are throwing around a frisbee.

Normally, I’d be up there with them, helping with the food or running after the frisbee.

Normally, I would be smiling and laughing and having a good time. But I don’t feel like it today.

I didn’t even feel like coming to the picnic at all. But I didn’t want to be at home when all of my friends were out having fun. Maybe that’s not a good reason for coming, but it got me here.

Old Hayden loved picnics. He loved being in the park with the sun shining and the grass freshly cut.

He loved seeing all the people of the city out and about, living their lives.

I still like those things too, I guess. They just don’t hold the same appeal they used to.

They don’t fill me with a sense of freedom and joy anymore.

“Yeah,” I say absentmindedly to Rhys while my gaze drifts to Santino, who jumps for the frisbee. He grazes it with his fingertips, but doesn’t manage to get his hand around it.

It’s been a couple days since that call with his mom.

He’s been on the phone a few more times with his sisters.

His mom is still upset and angry, though he says she hasn’t fallen into depression again.

That’s good, I guess. But it doesn’t lessen the guilt I feel for my part in the whole thing.

If I wasn’t keeping Santino for myself, his mom and the rest of his family wouldn’t be going through all that.

Everything bad that happens is your fault.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Rhys continues.

In the distance, Santino laughs as Bellamy stumbles and crashes on the grass. He holds out his hand and helps Bellamy to his feet, giving him a clap on the shoulder before they take up their places again.

“Um, no, it’s okay. Santino’s coming with me.”

Rhys cocks his head in confusion. “I thought he was going home before then.”

“Didn’t you hear?” Noel jumps in, sounding smug. “The dude canceled his flight.”

Rhys furrows his brow. “He did?”

“Our little Hayden whipped out his magic dick and now the guy can’t get enough.”

Rhys gives Noel the middle finger while casting him a dirty look. “Don’t be an asshole, asshole.”

“What?” Noel laughs with a self-satisfied smirk. “I’ve seen his dong. It’s the size of a fucking horse. Who wouldn’t fall for that thing?”

My chin drops to my chest and I twist a blade of grass until it rips between my fingers. My dick isn’t magic. My dick doesn’t even work.

Why the fuck would Santino want to stick around for a cripple?

“Oh, shut up already. Nobody asked you.” Rhys slaps Noel on the arm, but Noel shrugs it off. “Don’t listen to him, Denny. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

I try to breathe through the vise tightening around my chest. Noel doesn’t know about my deformity. He’s just being an asshole for the sake of it. He wouldn’t make that joke if he knew what was wrong.

He would laugh in your face. He would be disgusted.

I rip another clump of grass from the ground.

“Food’s ready!” Angel calls out, bringing over a big covered platter from the barbecue.

I glance up just in time to watch Santino wind up and fling his arm out, sending the plastic disc flying through the air, aimed directly at Sebastian.

Sebastian catches it easily, spins around, and tosses it toward Bellamy.

Bellamy dives for it, snatching it right before it touches the ground.

Hopping to his feet, he jogs back to us with Santino and Sebastian trailing behind him.

Santino heads straight for me, plopping down on the ground next to me.

“Oh my god, I’m starving,” he says, eyeing the food hungrily.

The sausages are piled in a pyramid on the plate, each toasted with just a little char and glistening with grease. The hamburger patties are stacked into neat towers. I can smell the cooked meat. But it doesn’t smell good to me. It doesn’t smell like anything.

My appetite’s taken a nose dive in the past week and even though Santino’s been really good about reminding me to eat, I haven’t been able to swallow down much. I’m just not hungry. It’s starting to show. I look a tad gaunt in the mirror and my clothes are hanging a little too much off my frame.

I reach for the stack of plates and grab two for me and Santino. I feel like I’m moving through water as I fill the plates with Greek salad, handfuls of berries, and small mountains of chips. Then I make up a sausage on a hot dog bun for Santino and a hamburger for me.

I won’t be able to finish all this, and actually, I feel a little nauseous just looking at it. But I force myself to pick at the plate. I force myself to chew and swallow even though every bite tastes like ash.

Santino casts me an approving smile right before he takes a huge bite out of his sausage. A mix of ketchup and mustard oozes out the corner of his mouth and his tongue darts out to lick it up.

“Mmm, this is so good,” he moans around a mouthful of food. His eyes are closed as he chews, like this is the best meal he’s ever had in his life.

A yearning grows inside me at the sight of him.

At how easily he’s able to enjoy the simple things.

I want to be like that too. I want to shake off this heaviness weighing me down.

I want to laugh with my friends while sitting in a park, having lunch on a beautiful summer day.

I don’t want to feel this empty, hollowness anymore.

I don’t want to hear the voice in my head all the time.

Santino’s eyes flutter open and he catches me watching. “What? Do I have something on my face?” He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

The move is so innocent, so unselfconscious, it makes me smile. Just a small one. I’ve been trying to do that more often. Just to make sure my cheeks don’t forget what it feels like. I shake my head. “No, you’re perfect.”

Santino pauses for a moment. Did I mean perfect as in he doesn’t have food on his face? Or did I mean perfect because he is actually perfect in every conceivable way? I don’t know what I meant when the words slipped off my tongue, but now I’m leaning toward the latter.