Page 24 of Santino (The Camboy Network #4)

CHAPTER

TWENTY-TWO

SANTINO

“Hayden? Babe? Can you let me in?” I try to keep my voice steady and calm, even though I want to pound on the door and demand he open the damn thing.

Hayden had been doing okay for most of the day. I mean, not great, not by a long shot, but he’d been managing. He was present and engaged, not disconnecting from the group and drifting off on his own.

But that all changed in a second. I have no idea what happened and I’m not even sure how I knew. One moment, I was getting good vibes from him, and the next, I wasn’t.

He wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone. His body language was all tense and jerky. He was this close to chewing a hole through his bottom lip.

But we were in the middle of a take and I didn’t want to interrupt everything. It would’ve drawn too much attention when he’d already been bristling over everyone treating him with kid gloves.

Then he ran away and locked himself in the bathroom.

What the fuck, Hayden. Let me the fuck inside.

“Please, babe? I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Silence. Nothing. Fuck this. I’ll just ask the store manager for the goddamn key.

The lock flips. I grab the doorknob and twist before he can lock it again. The door slides open easily and I slip inside.

Hayden is crouched on the floor, back against a wall, hands gripping fistfuls of hair. The backward baseball cap he was wearing is lying upside down on the floor. He’s taking these loud inhales and exhales like he’s hyperventilating.

Oh fuck. He’s having another episode. Attack. Whatever the fuck it’s called.

I shut the door behind me and lock it again before moving to him. I try to pull him into my arms, but he flinches away. “Hayden? Babe?”

He shakes his head. The movement looks painful for some reason. “I can’t,” he says in a strained, choked voice.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? “You can’t what?”

“I can’t. I just can’t.” He shoots to his feet and stalks to the other side of the bathroom.

It’s one of those fancy places with real hand towels rolled on a plate next to the sink. There’s a wing-backed armchair in the corner. And instead of piss, the room smells flowery.

Hayden bangs his head not-so-lightly against the wall when he reaches it. His knuckles are white from how hard he’s ripping at his hair.

Christ. I think this is the worst I’ve ever seen him. Worse than the park. Worse than cake-tasting day.

Maybe he shouldn’t have come today. Maybe this was too much for him. But there’s no way I would’ve left him at home by himself either. Who knows what would’ve happened if he was all alone while the rest of us were here.

I should've stayed home with him. Yeah, that’s what I should’ve done. I should’ve told Sebastian we needed to reschedule and stayed home with Hayden until he felt better or until we could get him in to see a therapist. This is my fault. It’s my fault he’s spiraling now.

God fucking damnit. I wish there was something I could do.

Like a magic pill or secret spell or something .

Anything. It’s excruciating to see Hayden like this.

I didn’t know it was possible to hurt for someone this badly.

To feel like his suffering is my suffering.

To want to bear his pain so he doesn’t have to.

I approach him slowly, afraid of touching him in case he flinches again. I stop behind him, just an inch away, and carefully lean forward to rest my cheek against his shoulder. He tenses for a moment, holding himself so still. Like he doesn’t know if he should accept my touch or shrug me off.

Come on, babe, don’t push me away. Let me help you.

The tension eases from his body slowly. His breaths come in ragged ins and outs. My hands drift up to settle on his hips and I press my front against his back. After several long moments, he relaxes into my embrace.

We stand there as minutes tick by. I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure anything I could say would make any difference. There’s an entire battle playing out inside Hayden’s mind and I have no idea how to help him win.

“I’m sorry,” he finally says. His voice cracks with emotion.

I slide my hands from his hips around to clasp in front of his stomach. “About what?”

He shakes his head, forehead still resting on the wall. “Everything.”

I want to say that he has nothing to be sorry for, that none of this is his fault. But would it matter? Would he believe me?

“We’re getting you help,” I promise, pouring all the tenderness and affection I feel for this man into my words, hoping it’ll be enough. “You’re going to get better.”

“What if it doesn’t work? What if I don’t get better?”

I squeeze him around the middle. “It will work. You will get better. I’ll make sure of it. If Sebastian’s therapist isn’t a good fit, then we’ll find someone else. We won’t stop until we find the right person.”

Hayden takes a couple more labored breaths before continuing. “I’m just so tired.”

“Want me to take you home? You can take a nap and get some rest. I can order something for dinner.”

He shakes his head again. “I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s too hard. I can’t do it.”

He’s not talking about being sleepy. He’s talking about something that scares me to my very core.

“I just want to give up. Stop trying. What’s the use anyway? I’m never going to get out of this.”

Fear grips me, icy cold in my veins. I turn him around and he doesn’t resist. He lands with an oomph , back against the wall, shoulders slumped, chin resting on his chest like his head is too heavy for his neck to hold up.

I bracket both sides of his face and tilt it up so he has no choice but to look at me.

The normally brilliant green of his eyes looks muddy and dull.

His eyes are bloodshot and his cheeks are tear-stained.

He looks like he’s given up. Like he’s done fighting.

Like he’s going to do whatever that goddamn voice in his head tells him to do.

“Babe, look at me. You can’t give up. You can’t stop fighting.

I know it’s hard. I know it feels impossible, but you can do it.

I know you can. You don’t have to do it on your own.

You’ve got me. You’ve got all your friends.

We’re getting you help. You just have to hang in there a little bit longer. ”

He squeezes his eyes shut as a few more tears slip free of his lashes. “I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”

The anguish in his voice makes my own eyes sting with tears. I hate feeling so helpless. I hate that I can’t whisk him away from all his demons and hide him somewhere they’ll never find him.

I touch my forehead to his. “Just a little bit longer,” I whisper into the small space between us.

A tortured sound escapes him. It tears through me, leaving me raw and fragile. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. Like I can only breathe if he breathes. Like my heart can only beat when his beats. Like my very existence hinges on Hayden’s well-being.

I’m pretty sure I'm in love with him. I don’t know what else this feeling could be.

Maybe I just feel important and needed in a way I’ve never been before.

Maybe I’m taking advantage of the guy and inserting myself into his life when he’s at his most vulnerable.

But I don’t think it’s either of those. Because deep in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that no matter how we could’ve met, we would’ve been drawn to each other.

No matter what either of us is going through, we would’ve found comfort and solace in each other’s souls. Isn’t that what love is?

A soft knock sounds at the door. “Guys, everything okay in there?” It’s Sebastian.

I lean back just enough to give Hayden a questioning look. Does he need more time? Is he ready to get the hell out of here?

He nods, just a small motion.

“Yeah, we’re good,” I call back to Sebastian.

Hayden goes to the sink and splashes some water on his face. I grab his hat from the floor and help him reposition it on his head.

“Ready?”

His one shoulder rises and falls, the movement so dejected I can’t stand it.

Without thinking, I lift my chin, push onto my toes and plant a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth.

He blinks in surprise, like he doesn’t understand why I would want to kiss him.

What I can’t understand is why I haven’t been kissing him more.

I should’ve been kissing him non-stop since our scene.

I should’ve been showing him how much I want him, how much I would hurt if he wasn’t here.

Hayden’s hands come to my waist and he closes the distance between us. I sigh into the kiss as tingles spread across my cheeks and my scalp, then down my arms. I press myself against him, heat pooling in my groin.

I love this man. That’s it. I’ve decided.

With every cell in my body, with every breath in my lungs.

I love his vulnerability and his beauty in the midst of his brokenness.

I love how he nerds out over books. I love how he likes cooking from scratch.

I love his quiet brightness, how much he shines even when he never seeks the spotlight.

When we break the kiss, there's still so much sadness in his eyes, so much defeat in the line of his mouth. Worry eats away at me as I run my fingers over his forehead, cheeks, jaw, trying to erase that look from his face. He can’t give up. He has so much to live for. He needs to keep fighting.

Hayden reaches up and takes my hands by the wrists. One at a time, he plants kisses on my palms.

“Hayden.” My voice breaks when I say his name. I don’t want to lose him. Not when I’ve just found him. We haven’t had enough time together.

A knock at the door again. “You guys coming out any time soon?” Sebastian calls.

Hayden drops his chin to his chest with an air of resignation that I don’t like.

As he takes a step toward the door, I grab his hand and intertwine our fingers.

Clutching it tightly, I press myself against his arm, wrapping my other hand around his bicep and holding it to my chest. I’m not letting go of him.

I don’t care what he says or what happens when we walk outside. I’m not ever letting him go.

Hayden opens the door and Sebastian gives us both quick, assessing looks.

“Everything alright?”

Neither of us responds. I’m not alright and Hayden definitely isn’t either. We stare at Sebastian in silence and I guess that’s enough of an answer for him.

Out in the dressing room, everything’s already packed up and stacked in neat piles. Bellamy and Noel are standing together, gazing into each other’s eyes, as if no one else exists in the whole wide world. The love emanating from them is thick and sickeningly sweet.

I know the moment Hayden clocks them because he stiffens, his hand tightening in mine.

I mean, yeah, Bellamy and Noel are like, obnoxiously in love with each other.

But the way Hayden turns sharply away feels like more than just annoyance with their public display of affection.

It’s more like he’s disgusted or offended.

He heads straight for the store’s main entrance and by the time we get there, he’s shaking, breathing hard, wound up with tension.

“Hey, bro,” I call to Sebastian. “I’m taking Hayden home.”

“Cool. Thanks,” Sebastian calls back.

The summer heat hits us as we step out onto the sidewalk, but it doesn’t help with Hayden’s shaking. If anything, his breathing gets more labored with the heavy, humid air.

I’m quick to find a cab that will take us home and when we slide into the backseat, Hayden slumps low, wrapping his arms around his middle. I loop my arm around his shoulders and pull him to me. He resists for a moment, like he doesn’t want the comfort I’m offering, but then he melts into my side.

I press a kiss to the top of his head. You’re not getting rid of me that easily, babe. If you can’t fight anymore, then Imma fight for you.