Page 22 of Santino (The Camboy Network #4)

CHAPTER

TWENTY

SANTINO

Hayden is shaking. Like full-on trembling. I hold him tighter and rub my hand up and down his arm to help ground him.

Sebastian’s right. I shouldn’t have shouted at Rhys. It was a stupid argument to begin with, but more importantly, it wasn’t going to help Hayden any. If anything, it only made him feel worse than he already did. I should’ve known better.

But honestly, what the fuck. I get Rhys is worried about his friend, but he doesn’t have to be a bitch about it. I’m only trying to help someone we both care about. Jesus.

“I feel bad,” Hayden says, voice small, eyes downcast. He’s all huddled in on himself. “Heavy. Dark. Scared. Angry. Sad.” He presses his hand to the middle of his chest. “It hurts. Here.”

“Hurts how?” Sebastian asks.

“Like… something’s clawing at me from the inside.”

On the other side of Hayden, Rhys sniffles. He tilts his head back like that’s going to stop the steady stream of tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Is it all the time? Or does it come and go?” Sebastian prompts.

“Comes and goes,” Hayden answers. “But it’s never really gone. Not really. It’s always there.”

I think of the voice. The one whispering all those ugly, awful things to Hayden.

I don’t know if it’s like, a metaphorical voice, or if he’s actually hearing things that aren’t there.

I mean, either way, it’s bad. But if it’s always there, always whispering, sometimes shouting… Jesus, that would drive anyone insane.

“I think—” I cut myself off when Sebastian flicks his gaze to me. It’s sharp and calculating, like his brain is running at a hundred miles an hour. I gulp and push forward. “I think he needs to see someone. Like a therapist.”

Hayden flinches, but he doesn’t say no.

“There’s nothing wrong with seeing a therapist,” Sebastian continues. “I have a therapist.”

Rhys nods in agreement.

“My mom…” I pause, uncertain if I should be comparing Hayden to my mom.

They’re different people, going through different things.

But if it can help… “She had depression after my grandmother died. She started seeing a therapist and learned a bunch of techniques to manage her moods. She still sees a therapist now, even though it’s been years. ”

Sebastian nods as if I’ve made a good point. “I think a therapist is a good idea. I can call mine and see if she’s taking new clients. She knows what we do for a living and she’s cool with it, for what that’s worth.”

Hayden’s still unsure.

“I can go with you, if you want,” I offer.

“I can too,” Rhys jumps in and I have to bite back a snarky comment about too little, too late.

“You don’t have to,” Hayden says, though it’s not clear who exactly he’s talking to. “I mean, yeah, I’ll go see someone, but you guys don’t have to come with me.” His voice trails off, the last few words coming out in a mumble.

Like hell I’m not going with him. As if I’d let him face that on his own.

Over Hayden’s head, I catch Rhys’s gaze. We share a knowing look and I recognize the stubborn determination in his eyes. We’re thinking the same thing. Hayden’s not getting rid of us so easily.

“Good. Cool.” Sebastian reaches for his laptop. “I’ll have something set up and send you the info. In the meantime, I can find someone else to help with the cameras and we can reschedule your shoots.”

Hayden’s head snaps up, his breath caught in his chest. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He looks conflicted, like he doesn’t know if he should agree to Sebastian’s suggestion. We watch him expectantly, waiting for him to put words to whatever’s running through that beautiful head of his.

“I, um, I can still work. If you still want me.”

“If I still want you?” Sebastian repeats the weird phrase, head cocked in confusion.

“If you want to find someone better.”

A look of remorse comes over Sebastian’s face and for a second, I can see the soft-hearted, compassionate friend underneath the hardnosed, solution-focused strategist.

He puts a hand on Hayden’s knee and leans in to stare Hayden in the eye. “There is no one better. You’re the best.”

“I just don’t want to get in everyone’s way.” Hayden is so quiet we all have to lean in to hear him.

“You’re not in our way. Trust me, I’d tell you if you were.” Sebastian doesn’t sound comforting anymore. He sounds like a director who doesn’t take shit from anyone. “We wouldn’t have gotten this far on the documentary if it hadn’t been for your help.”

Hayden sniffles, squeezing his eyes shut. “You don’t have to say that.”

Sebastian’s brows slam together in a scowl. “I’m not just saying that. It’s the truth. I know it’s hard for you to believe right now, but I wouldn’t lie about something like that.”

“Seriously. Sebastian doesn’t joke around about work,” Rhys adds.

Hayden chews on his lip and I can tell the lie is still ringing loud in his head. I give him a squeeze, hoping he can feel how much I care for him.

It was only a couple weeks ago, but I can’t quite remember what my life was like before Hayden was in it. San Francisco feels so far away, not just like, distance-wise, but time-wise too. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Not much has changed in the past couple weeks, and yet everything’s changed.

I don’t feel like the same person who got off the plane at JFK.

That person was lost and directionless, hoping to find some meaning in his life in this new city.

And I’m not saying I’ve got everything figured out now, but it feels like things are happening.

I’m moving forward. My life is taking on a shape that I like, that I want more of.

And so much of that is because of Hayden.

Because he’s made me feel comfortable out here where I didn’t know anyone.

He’s given me a home away from home. He’s given me something to look forward to when I wake up in the mornings.

He’s given me an opportunity to do something with my life that never would’ve been possible if I was still back on the West Coast.

I owe Hayden so much. Yeah, we’ve only known each other for a short while. And yeah, he’s been going through a lot of shit the whole time. But if this is what he can do in the middle of all that, I can’t imagine how fucking awesome he’d be when he’s at a hundred percent.

“Okay, how’s this?” Sebastian says, making an executive decision.

“We keep everything the same for now. For both the documentary and your second video. But you’ll say something if you’re not feeling up to it, got it?

If you’re feeling like shit or you need a break, you have to tell us.

No more pretending you’re fine when you’re not. ”

Hayden nods, still looking a little wary. “Okay.”

Satisfied, Sebastian starts gathering his things. “Cool, I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you guys tomorrow for the tux fitting scene.”

“I don’t have anywhere to be.” Rhys jumps to his feet and reaches his hands above his head to stretch side to side. “Want to go get lunch?”

Hayden hesitates before answering. “I’m not really hungry.”

Disappointment flashes across Rhys’s face. “Oh, uh, how about we go for a walk? Hang out at the park?”

Hayden drops his gaze. “I don’t know…”

“What about the library? You love the library.”

Hayden takes a couple breaths before answering. “Actually, I’m kind of tired.”

Rhys looks like he’s going to keep arguing with Hayden when Sebastian puts a hand on his shoulder.

A silent message passes between them. Rhys pouts, chin lifting, but he lets it go.

“Fine, but this weekend. I expect to see you at The Bronzed Rail,” he says, pointing a stern finger at Hayden. “Got it?”

Hayden tries for a smile, but it looks more like a grimace. “I’ll try.”

I see Rhys and Sebastian out and we pause by the front door, lowering our voices so Hayden can’t overhear us.

“Let us know how he does, okay?” Sebastian instructs. “And if anything happens, give us a call and we’ll be right over.”

“For sure.” I clap his outstretched hand and lean in for a shoulder hug. When we pull back, Rhys has his arms crossed over his chest, watching me with one raised eyebrow.

“You didn’t answer my question earlier. Are you guys fucking?”

“Jesus Christ, Rhys,” Sebastian mutters.

I cross my arms to match his and lean against the doorframe. “What if we are?”

Rhys’s gaze is shrewd as we stare each other down. “You seem like a nice guy,” he finally says after a few tense seconds. “But if you hurt him, I’ll hunt you down and end you.”

I don’t fight the smile that spreads across my face. I have absolutely no intention of hurting Hayden. I would never forgive myself if I did. Hayden needs to be protected at all costs, and there’s nothing else on earth I want to do more.

Sebastian and Rhys head down the stairs and I close the door after them. When I get back to the living room, Hayden is exactly where I left him. Arms wrapped around himself, slouched all the way down on the couch.

“Do you want to eat something?” I ask because I totally get Hayden not wanting to go out, but he’s still got to eat.

He shakes his head. “No, I’m not hungry.” Moving slowly, he pushes himself to his feet. “I think I’ll take a nap.”

I follow him to his room where he crawls into bed and pulls the covers up to his chin. “Want me to stay with you?”

He doesn’t meet my gaze, insecurity wafting off him. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

So it’s going to be like that, huh? I scramble to climb into bed with him. “I always want to stay with you.”

He glances up at me, like he’s trying to see if I’m serious. Newsflash, pretty boy, I’m dead serious. A look of relief washes over his face and he snuggles into my side.

Truth is, I’m not the least bit tired and I’d normally go out of my mind if I was forced to lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling with nothing to do. But this time, I don’t mind. Because Hayden is here and he needs me to be with him. And I can’t think of another place I’d rather be.

He dozes off at some point, so I guess he really was tired.

Carefully, I slip from the bed and sort through a pile of books sitting on the floor.

There’s an autobiography of some Japanese dude, a book about the brain, a bunch of other stuff, and a detective mystery book.

I pick the last one and settle back into bed, sitting next to Hayden as he sleeps.

The book is set in Venice, about an Italian detective who solves murders. I’m just starting chapter two when Hayden wakes up. He blinks blearily at me and his brows furrow with confusion when he sees the book.

“What are you doing?”

“Reading,” I answer.

“But I thought you weren’t into reading.”

I shrug. “But you’re into reading, so I want to see what the hype is about.”

He doesn’t respond, like he’s not sure how to process the statement.

“Want me to read to you?” I ask on a whim.

“Really?” He sounds skeptical. Well, I’ll show him.

I clear my throat and start reading, waving my hand in the air and channeling my best Mario Brothers impression. I barely get a sentence in before Hayden bursts out laughing.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“What? You don’t like my Italian accent?” I say, still trying to sound like Mario.

Hayden’s laughing so hard, he can’t even talk. He shakes his head and covers his face with his hand. I laugh too, feeling like a fucking hero.

I can make Hayden laugh. Even at his lowest and darkest, I can still make him laugh, bright and loud and unreserved. If that’s not a superpower, I don’t know what is.