Page 35

CHAPTER 35

AMELIA

This is the first time I’ve woken up in recent history that I’m not worried about where my husband is and if he’s alive. It’s amazing how much stress that takes away from my day to day. He might not be in bed next to me, but I don’t have to worry he’s freezing or bleeding out somewhere with no one who cares for him.

“Morning, Lia.”

There he is. His strong, velvet-laced voice is what I dreamed of while he was gone. It’s what I listened to in my dreams. To know he’s here right now, and I don’t have to listen to old videos on my phone is a relief. “Good morning, yourself.”

When I lift my head off the pillow, I’m assaulted by the smell of coffee. It used to be one of my favorite scents, but it rolls my stomach. I clamp a hand over my mouth.

“Are you okay?” he asks, setting down the offending cup. He walks over to me before taking a seat on the bed. “You’re awfully pale. Are you well?”

I don’t know what to say. I’m nauseous and my gag reflex is working overtime. I haven’t puked since I was a teenager. In fact, I do everything I can to prevent it because it’s so awful. “Maybe it’s the last few months? The stress I thought was over as soon as you came home, but maybe it affected me more than I imagined it would? I’ve noticed over the last few days, certain smells trigger it, and I’m exhausted. But that’s to be expected since I didn’t sleep well while you were gone.”

He lays down on the bed and tucks me into his side. “I didn’t either. I worried that someone would be trying to hurt you. There were so many days I just knew I’d get a message that you’d been taken, and they were holding you hostage to get to me. Literally my worst fear. It had me on edge every day.”

“Me too,” I answer back. Do I admit to him my worst fears too? Now that we’ve made it through, it seems that it would be the right thing to do.

“What are you thinking about so hard I can almost hear you.”

I reach down, smoothing the blanket over me. “I’ve always been taught to look forward, not to focus on the past. The only way to continue to make changes within our lives is to put our heads down and keep pushing. But I’m having trouble with that, Tris. I’m not the same person I was a few months ago.”

“Neither am I.” I pull her hand to my chest, holding it over my heart. “We’ve both changed, and there’s no way of going back to the people we were before. It doesn’t mean we can’t make who are now the people we’ve always wanted to be. There have been changes, but who’s to say they aren’t for the better? We’ve grown, and that’s not a bad thing.”

“But I’m more scared than I was before,” I admit. “I used to look outside and want to walk in the grass, go for a ride on your bike, or go down to the fish and chips place. Now? Outside seems so scary. What if we go outside and someone is waiting there to make an example out of us? What if they’re waiting for us to walk out and they want to end us? These are the things I worry about. Will I ever be the carefree person I was before? The one who could enjoy life?”

He pulls me tighter into his side. “It’s going to take time, Lia. We can’t go right back to the people we were before this. They don’t exist anymore. Experiences and time have picked us up, molded us, and we’ve come out on the other side. I’m not saying we’re better or worse, I’m just saying we’re different.”

There’s a secret I’ve been keeping, and I’m not sure if now’s the time to share it with him or not. But if the last few months have taught me anything, we can’t wait for what’s going to be the perfect time. If we hold off, we might lose it. “Tristan, I think I’m pregnant,” I blurt out, my heart pounding against my chest. “I think that’s why your coffee made me want to puke.”

He opens his mouth, then closes it. Once. Twice. A third time. “Lia, are you sure? Is that why you’ve been tired lately?”

“I’m not sure because I haven’t taken a test. I’ve been scared to. In the middle of all this uncertainty, I didn’t want to stress you out by possibly bringing a baby into it. Not to mention we didn’t know what the future looked like. Tris, it was so up in the air. None of us knew if Haldonia would even be a country. It was one of those things where if I put my head in the sand and ignored it, I was hoping by the time I needed to know, I could find out without anxiety.”

He chuckles, reaching out and tipping my chin to him. “How’s that going for you?”

“Not great,” I admit, laughing along with him. “Obviously I’m going to have to know the answer sooner or later. It isn’t as if this is going to go away.”

“No, it’s not going away. Why don’t you take the test? I’m here now. You have one, I assume.”

I do, and from everything I’ve heard, it’s best to take in the morning, but now I’m scared. Both of it being positive and negative. On the one hand, I’m happy to have his child, on the other hand, what if I’m not pregnant and I’ve convinced myself I am. I’m going to be devastated, and after what we’ve been through, I’m not sure I can handle it. “Okay.” I take a deep breath. “I’m not sure how I’m going to react when I find out. I don’t want you to think I’m crazy.”

“It’s okay, Lia. None of us know how we’re going to react in situations. I’ve learned that from what we’ve just gone through. We do the best we can, and we appreciate the emotions we have. I’ll be happy either way, as long as you are.”

I’m still not sure what I did to deserve this man. Although our marriage was arranged, I like to think I would’ve picked him if given a choice. He’s everything I would’ve chosen. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Getting up out of bed, I put my feet on the floor, and the room spins slightly. Another indication that I might actually be pregnant. I don’t say anything to him, but I clear my throat and get my bearings. Slowly, I get up and walk to the bathroom. I’ve kept a couple of boxes of pregnancy tests in here for when this moment comes. Holding up a finger, I give him a wink and shut the door.

My hands shake as I grab the box, turn it over, and read the instructions. Once. Twice. When I’m satisfied that I know them front to back, I open the package and do my business.

When I’m done, I wash my hands and then set it on the counter. Going back out to where Tristan is waiting, I have a seat next to him on the bed. He pulls me close, running his hand up and down my arm. As we wait, my stomach is shaky with nerves. My mind goes back to the night I met him, and how unsure I was of what we were embarking on. How I was worried that he wouldn’t like me, how scary it was to offer myself to a man who had never met me before. “Were you scared the night we met?” I ask him out of the blue.

He grins. It’s the boyish one that reminds me of the pictures of him as a child. “Yeah, I mean, you were beautiful, standing there in the light coming off the fire. That dress you were wearing, and the way your hair was shining. I thought you’d run away screaming because you were young, and I wasn’t sure if you’d actually say yes.”

“I wasn’t aware I had a choice back then.” I reach out, grabbing his hand with mine. Flipping it over, I trace hearts on his palm. “But I saw you, and you were so handsome. There was so much pain behind your eyes. There wasn’t any way I was going to let you go. I knew my future was with you, even if I didn’t exactly know what that meant. We’re going to build an amazing life together, Tris. I have no doubt about it. I’ve always trusted you, and I’ll continue to do so.”

The timer he set when I came out goes off. “Should we go together?” he asks.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

With our fingers entwined, we head to the bathroom together. My stomach is queasy with what this means. It’s excitement and fear all wrapped into one. We walk to the counter and lean over as one. Right there in black words—pregnant.

Tears steam down my face as I bury my head in his chest and hold on tight. The next generation of the monarchy is coming, and I can’t wait to see what my husband looks like as a father.

But more than anything, I’m thankful he’s here to experience this with me. If that bomb had gone off closer to him and Parker—I’d be a widow raising a baby alone.