Page 31

Kerry

Saturday night, I finally worked up enough courage to ask a question that had been bothering me for a long time.

“Hank, you said you were one of the wardens who brought me to the Sanctuary that night, right?”

“Yes. After I got the call from the outpost, I started tracking you. August Richter and Gina Weatherbee were with me.”

“Did you see what I did to Gemma?”

“Not really. We caught up with you right as she zapped you. Gina and I pulled you off of her so August could start healing her.”

I shifted my eyes to the salt shaker on the counter.

“How bad did I hurt her, Hank?”

“You sure you want to know?”

#

In the wee hours of the morning, I woke up with a scream. Panting, I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, planting my feet on the floor and resting my elbows on my knees. Then I buried my sweaty face in my palms as images flashed behind my eyelids.

Gemma lying on a dark sidewalk.

Gemma covered in blood, her body broken.

Gemma dying as the demon inside me howled.

My stomach rolling, I dove for the bathroom, barely making it before I emptied my guts into the toilet. When I was sure it was over, I stood and rinsed my mouth out, chugged a glass of the sweet-tasting water, and washed my face.

I looked at myself in the mirror and found the same bloodshot eyes I saw after every one of these nightmares.

Chessie can’t finish that freaking ward soon enough.

I staggered back to the bedroom, yanked off my damp pajamas, and pulled on a red t-shirt and a pair of black workout pants. Most nights, I gave up on sleep and went running, but tonight’s episode had been pretty bad. I didn’t think a run was going to cut it. As I dug around for a pair of socks and shoes, I glanced at the clock.

Three fifteen.

I hated to wake her up, but I needed to hear her voice. Even if it only told me to shut up and let her sleep, even though the logical side of my brain told me I was acting like an idiot, I needed to hear it to convince myself she was okay.

I picked up my phone even as I hated myself for being so weak. It rang eight times before she answered.

“Kerry? What’s wrong?”

“I need to see you.”

“Okay,” she said with a yawn. “Do you want me to meet you somewhere?”

“No! It’s the middle of the night, idiot! I don’t want you going out alone in the dark. I’ll come to you.”

I slapped my hand over my face.

I called her an idiot.

“Then I’ll wait for you in the lobby.”

Her voice sounded sleepy, and guilt rode me hard, but I was too worked up to be selfless and let her go back to bed.

“I’ll be there in five,” I agreed and hung up.

#

Gemma

I waited inside the entryway, drowsily leaning against the wall as I struggled to keep my eyes open. Apparently, my effort was less than successful because the next thing I knew, there was a tap on the glass door. I blinked, saw Kerry’s white face, and quickly pushed the lock bar open for him. He entered in a rush, panting and shaking while his wild eyes looked me up and down as if searching for injuries.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“Yeah.” He dropped his head and sighed. “Same one as always.”

“Come upstairs.”

He followed me to the elevator, then down the hall to my room. I guided him to sit beside me on the edge of my rumpled bed and wondered what I could do to help him.

“Gemma,” he mumbled, “can I put my arm around you? I promise I’m safe enough to not hurt you.”

I was so surprised I couldn’t answer right away.

“Sorry.” He ground his fists into his thighs, apparently taking my shocked silence as a refusal. “Forget I said anything.”

“No, it’s okay. I want you to hold me.” I folded my hands in my lap and waited to see what he would do.

“Are you sure?”

When I nodded, he wrapped one arm around my back and rested his hand above my hip, his fingertips grazing my stomach. Then he curled those wide shoulders toward me and brought his free hand up to touch my cheek.

His fingers—his scarred, strong fingers—trembled.

He’s crazy-strong and half-feral and far too brutal, my tired brain scrambled to work, and here he is, holding me as carefully as I would hold a butterfly.

“Am I scaring you?” he murmured.

“No, of course not.”

I softened my muscles until I was leaning into the shelter of his embrace, my head against his collarbone. Wow! His heart was thudding away in there. He shifted slightly, and the necklace he wore under his shirt pressed against my cheek.

I’d first noticed it a couple of weeks ago, the simple gold chain around his neck. Then, when I’d healed his back, I’d seen the tiny white amphora hanging from it. I was curious, but too many questions made him antsy, so I’d asked August. It was called a grace, my warden had explained, which was something like a bottled blessing that granted the bearer a single favor. Kerry’s grace was for refuge, which protected a tainted person from the agony of being around anything Divine or Holy.

Without it, August had explained, Kerry would have been in constant pain at the Sanctuary.

“It only protects him from outside forces, however, not from those within,” he’d explained. “I’m afraid nothing can stop the taint from reacting when he experiences positive emotions.”

“You mean, it literally hurts him to be happy?” I’d been aghast at the thought.

“Yes.” Then August had cleared his throat, which I’d learned meant he was choosing his next words with care. “For those who are tainted, every smile is a stripe, every laugh a lash.”

And that had shocked me so badly, I hadn’t been able to reply.

“Tell me about your dream,” I murmured now. “The way you said ‘same one as always’ must mean you have it frequently. Maybe talking about it will help. It can’t hurt, right?”

“You know what happens. You were there.” His hand slid from my cheek to cradle the back of my head.

“You dream about the night we met?”

“Don’t say it like that!” he barked. “Saying ‘the night we met’ sounds like it was good or something. Say it like it was. The night I almost killed you. That’s what I dream about. Usually, I wake up when you knock me out, but not tonight. Tonight, I had to watch you die.”

He slid his hand to my left shoulder and his thumb found the raised ring of scarring there. It was as if he could see the pattern of his teeth indented in my skin under the lightweight fabric of my pajamas.

“Kerry, do you know what I remember about that night? I remember how you tried to protect me. You told me to run, to leave you, because you didn’t want to hurt me. It wasn’t your fault, what happened to me. I don’t blame you.”

He shook his head as his breathing became short and jerky. I wanted to hug him, but knew better than to add to his distress.

Maybe someday he’ll be able to bear that, I thought wistfully. And maybe one day he’ll even want me to hug him and not just tolerate it.

For now, I had only words to offer him.

“You fought against that demon every day, didn’t you? You stood alone and fought evil and never gave up. Now here you are, still standing, but not alone, Kerry. Not anymore.”

He slid off the bed and curled in on himself, and I dropped to the floor with him. When he didn’t fight me or push me away, I cradled his head against me, taking care not to touch his skin.

Which was why it shocked me when he voluntarily tucked his face against the base of my throat. He hadn’t shaved recently, and the rough stubble on his cheeks rasped against my skin. Goosebumps erupted all over me,making my stomach tighten.

Not the time , I told myself as I began to hum, which seemed to soothe him. His breathing slowed to a normal rate, and he stopped shaking at the same moment I finished the song.

“Aw, angel.” His lips brushed against my neck and the goosebumps came back. “You shouldn’t let me get this close to you.”

“I like you this close to me.” I opted for honesty.

“I said it before. You should scrape me off. You’re— It’s like—” He blew out a breath, and I stroked his hair. “Something as filthy as me shouldn’t be near someone like you, just like Farley told you. It’s gonna cost you too much in the end.”

I straightened, pulling him with me until our knees nudged, and pressed my palms to his cheeks. I waited until he looked at me and spoke quietly but firmly, wanting him to understand that I meant every word.

“Now I want you to listen and listen well. One, you are not filthy and you are not a thing . Do not refer to yourself that way ever again. And two, I make my own choices and accept the consequences, good or bad. If there is a price to be paid, I will pay it without regret or hesitation. And Noah Farley is a rude pig whose opinion means nothing to me.” I got up and held out my hand. “Now come on.”

He was resistant at first, but eventually gave in. Kicking off his shoes, he landed on the soft mattress, sighed, and snuggled into my pillow.

“Hey! Don’t hog the whole bed!” I prodded his arm until he moved over, his back flush with the wall.

“Not much to hog,” he grumbled back. “My bed at the cottage is way bigger. My feet are hanging off the end of this little thing.”

“Gripe, gripe, gripe. Remember that for next time. And I’ll use my pillow under my head, thank you very much.”

I climbed in and claimed my pillow, lying so we were facing each other. Sir Martin occupied the tiny space between us, and I felt my face turning red. Kerry didn’t say anything, only looked at me, and that caused the blush to spread like wildfire.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” I dropped my eyes to the neck of his shirt. “I can sleep on one of the beanbags.”

“I’m all right. You aren’t bothering me, so you can stay.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Either my sarcasm passed him by or he was ignoring it. After a few moments of silence, I asked why he thought the nightmare had been different tonight.

No answer.

I looked up, checking to see if he had fallen asleep, but his amazing eyes were still fixed on me.

“Warden told me how bad I hurt you,” he admitted at last. “How it was two days before you woke up and could heal yourself. Then you slept another two days because you drained all your power.” “Why would he tell you that?” I was outraged. Was Hank Bishop that cruel?

“Because I asked him. I knew about your shoulder. I didn’t know the rest was so bad, they faked your death because they thought you might not make it.”

I closed my eyes. I’d never wanted him to find out. Not to keep secrets from him, but because I knew how much it would hurt him.

“Three broken ribs, a punctured lung, both arms fractured, and a sprained wrist,” he listed, and my eyes flew open to meet him. “Not to mention damage to your spleen and kidneys, a broken knee cap, and a rainbow of bruises and scrapes.”

“All easy to heal. It just took a lot to heal it all at once,” I murmured, but knew the knowledge wouldn’t console him.

Then a yawn snuck up on me and my eyelids closed.

“Gemma?” he whispered after a moment.

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry I tore away your old life. I’m sorry you can’t see your uncle again.”

“Me, too, but life goes on, whether we want it to or not.” Wow. That sounded pretty profound, considering I was floating toward dreamland.

“And I’m sorry I called you an idiot.”

“All the times you’ve called me an idiot, or just tonight?” I wished I could get my eyes to open because he was probably wearing his adorable awkward face.

“For each and every time. Um, can I hold you again? I, uh, kinda like it.”

“Yes.” I smiled.

I felt his arm slip around my waist and his large, warm hand nearly spanned the width of my lower back as he cradled my spine in his palm. Not daring to try holding him in return, I squeezed Sir Martin.

“I won’t ever hurt you again, Gemma. I swear it.”

“It doesn’t compare to what you went through. We,” I yawned again, interrupting myself, “are going to take care of each other now. That’s what more-than-friends do, you know.”

“If you say so. Sleep now, angel. I know you’re tired. Go back to sleep.”

“Will you be here when I wake up?” I latched one hand onto his bicep, my thoughts muddy as I drifted off.

“Anything. Anything you want.”

“You. I want you … to stay … with — ”

#

Kerry

I watched her fall asleep while she talked, her face smoothing out and her lips making a little circle. At first, I stayed still, not wanting to disturb her, but when I was sure she was out, I drew her a little closer, glad her bear was between us.

She puffed out a sigh and nuzzled her head under my chin, and something inside my chest twisted. At first, I couldn’t figure out why the taint was digging into me, then I realized I was happy.

I liked this.

No, I loved it.

What I was feeling was both confusing and alarming, but I knew enough to treasure it. To treasure her , this beautiful, kind angel I had no business holding in my arms.

Exhaustion catching up to me at last, I fell asleep, and my impossible thoughts turned into impossible dreams.