Page 20

Kerry

I skipped on Wednesday to make sure I was chill enough to be safe. When I went back the next day, the morning went pretty good. I even managed a little chat with John Morgen before gym.

Then me and Jax picked up Gemma and set out on a new trail that went around a pond. Like I did before, I ranged all over, content to catch glimpses of her as she walked with Jax.

Twenty minutes into it, he called me over to see a wood turtle. Its shell was an amazing mix of browns and yellows, and my fingers itched to draw it. I wondered how much shading I’d need to do to get the texture right.

Jax got me moving again by saying there might be more animals at the pond, and I stayed with them this time.

“Jax said you eat lunch at home every day.” Gemma walked next to me. “You can eat with us anytime you want. And we don’t need to eat in the cafeteria. There are outside tables we could use while the weather is nice like this.”

“I eat at the cottage with Warden.” I put some space between us, uncomfortable.

“All right. I wanted you to know you’re always welcome to join us, that’s all.” She gave me a tiny smile. “Does Hank give you lessons at lunch?”

I started to shut down.

“I wanna go back now,” I muttered. “I don’t wanna see the pond anymore.”

“What? But you were so excited — ”

“I said I wanna go back now!”

“Okay, okay.” She held up her hands. “Whatever you want.”

“What upset you?” Jax crossed his arms and frowned at me. “Are you embarrassed about something? You don’t need to be. It’s just us.”

“No. It’s nothing.”

His power wrapped around me and squeezed. I fought it, but he had me locked down good and tight. That stirred up bad memories. Too many times had I been a slave to another’s voice. Too many times had my body been outta my control.

Angry now, I searched for a weak spot so I could hammer my way free.

“I don’t remember how to use a spoon or fork.” He drew the words outta my mouth. “Sometimes, I cut myself with the knife. Most of the time, I end up spilling my drink, too. Happy now, to know how dumb I am?”

“You’re not dumb.” Gemma used that tone, which only made me madder. “It’s something you have to relearn.”

“I think it’s more than that.” Jax narrowed his eyes at me, and I glared back. “You could eat a sandwich. No utensils needed there. So what else?”

Gemma touched my wrist. It wasn’t the first time she’d done that, so it didn’t startle me as much as it once would have.

“Maybe I can help,” she said.

“I don’t need any help! From you or anyone else!”

I fought against Jax for real now, and sweat broke out on his forehead as I smiled darkly. Oh, yeah. With enough time, I could bust my way free. Then he’d be missing some teeth.

“Jax, don’t force him. Please. Let him go.”

I guessed he listened because the rusty orange cloud around me disappeared and I could move. Before I could go after him, though, Gemma slid her hand down until her fingers touched the back of my knuckles, and I glanced down at her.

Huge mistake. Her emerald eyes sucked me in.

“It’s okay. I promise.” Her voice was mild as milk. “No one’s going to make you do anything. You don’t have to eat with us. You don’t have to tell us anything. I only wanted you to know you’re welcome to hang out with us. Whenever you want.”

Her calmness calmed me until I could breathe again. Could think beyond maiming someone.

Oh. That’s right. She’s still trying to make friends with me.

What had she said the other day? ‘Friends give because they want to. Because it makes them happy to do so.’ She’d been talking about an actual gift, but her company was also a gift. Her invite to join them for lunch was a gift.

She was a gift.

All the fight went outta me like a deflating balloon.

“I’m not safe enough for the cafeteria. Not yet.” I blew out a breath. “Too many people in one place. Too many chances for me to f— Uh. For me to screw up. I’m not ready for that.”

She stared at me for another few seconds, then blinked and smiled.

“Okay. Thank you for explaining.”

And that was it. No more questions. No hassling me or giving me any of that inspirational you-can-do-it bull. Just … okay.

I didn’t get this girl. Not at all. Every time I thought I had her figured out, she did something that threw me off.

I slid my eyes over at Jax and found him watching us. He didn’t say anything, so neither did I. When we started moving again, I stayed at her side.

Time ran out before we reached the pond, and Jax said we could try again tomorrow. As we walked back, I listened to her chatter about how beautiful the forest looked now that the leaves were changing color. We stopped at the same place and looked for the turtle, but those same leaves made a perfect hiding spot for him.

When we left the forest and started back onto school grounds, I cut my eyes down at Gemma. She was humming and her lips were curled into a soft smile. Acting on impulse, I reached down, looped my pinkie around hers, and squeezed once.

Then I dropped my hand, trotted up to Jax, and challenged him to a race back to the locker room.

#

I didn’t push it. I left them at the cafeteria and went back to the cottage. Hank was there and we ate together, then he handed over the supplies I’d asked for and I remembered to thank him. He hung around until I took out my new sketchbook, then left.

All too soon, Jax hammered at the door.

“Come in!” I yelled from the kitchen table, wanting to finish the last bit of detail in the part I was working on.

“Are you ready to go?” He came into the kitchen. “Dude, you need to wear old clothes. Working with animals is dirty.”

Lost in my own little world where time had no meaning, it took me a minute to process. I knew I probably looked stupid as I blinked up at him. Then I laid down the pencil, pushed away from the table, and took off for my room.

I didn’t have any old clothes, but I wanted to wear a different pair of shoes. Ones I didn’t like so much. After I changed, I hustled out to the living room, where I found Jax with the sketchbook in his hands. He angled it to catch the sunlight from the front window.

“Gemma said you wanted to draw.” His eyes were wide. “She didn’t say you were an artist.”

I felt naked all of a sudden.

“It’s just something to keep my hands busy,” I mumbled.

“No, that’s pure genius.” He handed me the sketchbook, and I put it back on the kitchen table. “It’s this window here, isn’t it? Looking out toward the garden.”

I didn’t say anything as I shoved a few snacks into my backpack and slung it on my shoulder, then motioned to the front door. He took the hint and waited on the front porch as I came out and locked up.

“Is it Gemma? The figure you drew kneeling in the garden?”

“Yeah.” I figured he wouldn’t stop pestering me, so told him what he wanted to know. “She worked there in the mornings for a while. Before I started coming to school. I could hear her singing.”

And that was as much as I was gonna give him.

“She’ll love it.”

“Don’t tell her!” I barked. “It’s a surprise. You know, for all the thank-yous and apologies I owe her.”

“I won’t tell her. You know she’s going to cry.”

“Huh? It’ll upset her?”

“No, bro, but she’s like Gigi. They cry over things that make them feel special. Remember when you gave her the photo album? She’ll love this drawing because you made it for her.”

“Oh.”

A sudden memory, faded around the edges, flashed through my mind. A warm summer day. Handing Mom a flower I’d picked from her garden. A strange look on her face. I’d thought I was in trouble, but she’d kissed and hugged me and told me she loved me.

So, yeah, okay. I guess Jax is right .

It was circus day for the wranglers, which meant the college kids brought over a few animals and joined up with the high school class to give the elementary students rides. I sorta stood off to the side and watched for most of it, wary about so many people, especially little kids, all in motion at the same time, but I did say hi to the elephant Jax was working with.

When she looked at me with big, gentle eyes, I couldn’t stop myself from petting her. She brought her trunk up and wrapped it around my waist. I froze, not sure what to do. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I sure wasn’t gonna let her hurt me, either.

“She thinks you’re cute,” Jax laughed. “Like a puppy. And she wants to know why you’re sad. She doesn’t like it.”

She stared at me, her trunk still around me, but it wasn’t a tight hold. I could slip free if I wanted to. It was kinda like she was giving me a hug, and I tilted my head as I debated what to say.

Hey, talking with an elephant isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve ever done.

“I was a slave for too long,” I rumbled. “It broke something inside me.”

Suddenly, she dropped her trunk and lifted one front leg. I stepped back, but she wasn’t acting aggressive at all, so I looked at her leg and saw thick scars above her toes. I glanced around and saw all of her legs were the same.

“Her language isn’t like ours,” Jax said. “I mean, it’s complex in its own way, but elephant thoughts are all connected with memory and emotion. The best I can do is, yesterday was bad, but today is good.”

Yeah, yeah. I get it. I patted her trunk one more time. But understanding is one thing and actually believing it is another.