Page 14 of Only Everything (The Obsession #1)

TAUREN

It was odd how smells could define a person, an act…a moment forever stamped in time. Smells were powerful. Triggering. Lethal.

The truck rocked along the ruts in the long road that led to Reid’s, and although I was watching to make sure the TV we had tied down in the back didn’t fall over, all I could smell was the lavender scented detergent somehow escaping the plastic I had my clothes piled into. My life...condensed into garbage bags.

Not boxes.

Not plastic tubs.

Garbage.

Trash.

Emmett had called me that on more occasions than I could remember. Yet, somehow, I found myself making excuses for him, only to catch myself. Anger would come, and then so would the words that never left me.

Trash .

Pathetic.

Sick.

It was hard to dismiss names when you started to believe them. And to an extent, I did, but I also knew it was how abusers worked. That still didn’t change how I felt about myself. And now I wasn’t leaving to become independent either?

Weak… Emmett would have said it. He would have thrown it in my face. And I was trying to be strong. I wanted to be independent. So, why did I keep doing this? Why was I staying with men when what I needed to do was spare them my presence so I didn’t make them worse?

I didn’t know. What I did recognize were the patterns. Even with acknowledgement, it didn’t change the outcome. Because…here I was again.

Was it guilt, love, or dependency? Poor Reid.

He never stood a chance with me in his life.

Maybe I should be honest and admit that I was beyond accountability.

I shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions.

I clearly always made the wrong ones. But was this wrong?

Reid wasn’t safer with me gone. He needed me here for stability. And me…alone?

Suicide whispered in my ear like a lover. Alone was dangerous. But so was coming back here. Getting more attached to Reid was a double-edged sword. Not just for me but for him. Did I really believe he’d let me leave? Did a part of me pray he wouldn’t?

I couldn’t choose him. To commit would be accepting a truth I couldn’t stomach. How could you want something so wrong and then loathe the same thing?

“You’re so quiet. Are you okay?”

I couldn’t look at Reid. I kept my stare on the television as the truck rocked at the slow speed.

“I’m fine.”

He shifted in his seat, his voice dropping. “You don’t look fine. If I pushed you too hard, say it. I don’t want you here if you feel trapped.”

My eyes jumped to him.

“I don’t feel trapped. I feel…truly…cursed.”

“ You’re not .”

“Reid…” I forced myself to face him. To really look at him. It only had him slowing and putting the truck in park. We were not a hundred yards from his driveway, yet he’d stopped to give me every second of his attention. No thoughts. He didn't question it. When he saw that I needed him, I was his.

For a moment I couldn't speak. Or maybe I could have but I couldn't find the right words.

“You love me? You say that, but I mean in your heart. To the depths of your soul. You love me like a man would when he wants to marry a woman, right?”

Reid swallowed hard. “More than that. My love is…the eternal kind. The killing kind.”

I nodded, feeling the tears come back. They didn't fall; they couldn't.

“What if I couldn't be with you like that? What if this was all you got of me? Here, like this. Broken. Depressed. A disastrous mess. What if that's all I had to give?”

Longer, Reid sat there. His hands dropped from the steering wheel, and he turned more towards me, reaching over to grab my hand.

“I'd try to make you better. I would keep you, and love you, and do everything in my power to show you how much.

Maybe I wouldn't be enough. That doesn't mean I would stop trying.

Taur…without you I am nothing. I know, I lived it.

I tried to move forward. I know this is hard for you, but it's right. I can feel it in every part of me.” His brows drew in through his obvious pain. “Don't you feel it? Even a little?”

I unbuckled, closing the distance as I pressed my lips against his.

“I never said I didn't feel it. I said I couldn't be with you like that. I’m certain of this. I... can't .”

In that moment, I watched Reid's heart shatter to a million pieces through his eyes. His mouth opened, only to close. He went to speak but stopped. When he swallowed hard and squeezed my hand I tried not to break down. My words were certain—my heart wasn’t.

“No. You only say that because this is new and you feel guilty about what happened with our parents.

You're grieving over this new betrayal and loss, and it didn’t help that Emmett fucked up your head even worse.

I'm going to make it better. You’ll stay, and we'll take one day at a time. All you have to do is give yourself to me.” He eased in, nibbling and sucking against my lip.

“You let me work on the rest. I won't have to convince you we’re perfect for each other, I'll show you .”

“We’ll see what happens. I make no promises about the future.

I may love you, but I'm not good. I'll drive you crazy, and maybe that's what I'm here to see.” I pulled back, and the tears finally did fall.

“Look at who you love. I destroy everyone.

You, more than anyone, know that. You feel it.

You know I speak the truth. Maybe I'm just hoping that I'll annoy the ever living shit out of you and break this spell you're under so that this time you can walk away. This time you'll escape my curse.”

“You can try your hardest, but I'm not going anywhere. My love isn't the kind that scares easily. The only fear I feel is losing you. That's not going to happen.”

He turned, putting the truck back in drive and heading for the driveway.

He was wrong. He said that he didn't get scared easily, but he also didn't know the truth. If it wasn’t trapped inside of me tangled with the trauma, perhaps I’d tell him and set him free.

That would mean letting him go completely.

Now that I had him back, I just wasn’t sure I could do that again.

The darkness that lived inside wanted this. It wanted him. Just…in its own way.

Reid pulled up, throwing the truck back in park as he spun to me.

“I know you’re upset. I know you’re having a hard day.

” He smiled, not able to contain it. “But I haven’t been this happy in…

I don’t even know . Taur, it’s us. It’s me and you, and you didn’t leave me.

We’re watching a movie tonight. I get to continue to hold you and see you smile.

I get to cook for you,” he leaned forward pressing his lips to mine, “and kiss you whenever you let me. You can’t see commitment for us in the future, but for now, this is everything. This is enough.”

And it was for him. Already, the difference my presence made was astounding.

Over the last two weeks, Reid had gone from slightly defensive and on edge to hopeful.

I could still see a weariness under the surface, but even that wasn’t as profound as it had been.

And I’d ruin that too. Time would prove me right, even if I hated it .

“Food, huh? What are you making me?”

“It’s a surprise.”

I laughed. “I saw everything we bought at the store. I was there.”

“But you can’t guess what it is. Don’t even try.”

I opened the truck door, following Reid’s lead as we began unloading the groceries out of the cab and carrying them inside.

As I began putting away the meat and boxes, he quickly went back out to bring in my bags.

They hit the ground with just as much weight as their purpose, and it was like a slap to the face.

Trash.

Garbage.

Snatching the popcorn, I tried not to show the aggression that came from the anger, but the box was more thrown into the cabinet than set.

I had to call my therapist despite her being the last person I wanted to talk to.

I wasn’t alright. I was spiraling and spinning down some depression vortex that was swallowing me whole, and I had prolonged our talk long enough.

Even though I knew Emmett was dead, there was no closure.

No funeral that I went to. No screaming at him for how he may have destroyed me for good.

I had never dwelled on how unfair the universe was; I just took the shit I was handed and tried to make the best of it, but I was at the end of my rope.

I was dangling and on the verge of falling.

If I didn’t get a handle on this soon, Reid might not have to worry about losing me to independence.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be anywhere anymore.

I just felt done in every fiber of my being.

“Alright, that’s it. I’m going to grab the TV. ”

“Let me help.”

“If you can just help me get it out of the back of the truck, I can carry it from there.”

“You got it.”

I forced a grin, following Reid outside to the back of his truck.

I quickly climbed in, going around to the back as he picked up the side closest to him.

Damn Emmett and his need to get the biggest of everything.

The TV was so heavy I wasn't sure how Reid got it in the truck by himself to begin with.

“That's my girl. Almost there.”

I groaned trying to adjust the television in my grip.

Pain sliced into my finger, and I jerked, dropping the television the few inches to the bed.

The truck shook with the force and weight, but I was already diving forward, trying to catch it.

I wasn't fast enough. My eyes flared through the fear that had me locked up, but I wasn't even sure what I was more afraid of, ruining mine and Emmett's elaborate TV, or possibly denting or scratching Reid’s old truck.

All I knew was the damage I had caused to something, and the panic was real as I waited for a bomb to drop.

“Oh my God, I'm so sorry . I-I didn't mean to. Fuck, I-I’m sorry. It was an accident.”

Trash. You stupid bitch. Can you ever do anything right?

Reid’s confusion flashed, but all I heard was Emmett’s voice in my ears. Reid quickly lifted the television to place on the ground, jumping into the back of the truck to grab my hand. “You’re bleeding.”

“It’s n-nothing.”

I was already pulling back to lower, running my hand along the million scratches that already existed amongst the gray paint. My fingers dipped in the tiny ding, and the tears were all too real, even if I managed not to let them fall.

“I think I dented your truck. I'm really sorry.”

“Sorry? You're the one who’s bleeding.”

I couldn't answer. I didn't know what to say as I stood.

“Today is not your day. Come on, let's go clean your finger up. You need food.”

A part of me was happy that Reid didn't hold or try to soothe me, but it was also triggering.

He gave me space, distance, and I felt myself fall deeper within the void because of it.

There were so many things floating around there inside of me.

Questions. Realizations. Too many emotions to begin to decipher.

I was a fucking mess, and I knew Reid saw it.

Apologizing like a rambling five-year-old?

I felt like an idiot. I felt mortified and exposed.

“I can help you carry it in. I can be careful this time.”

Reid crouched, picking up the television as if it weighed nothing.

“I got it. Just go open the door.”

The slight deepening of his tone almost had my feet shifting before they would step.

I jumped down from the truck, hurrying toward the house.

Had he sounded upset? Angry? I replayed his words in my head repeatedly.

The embarrassment vanished, replaced with apprehension as I tried to place the change.

“You can never do anything right. I don’t know why I even ask for your help. You’re a walking accident, Tauren. You’re such a mess.”

“Broken plastic.”

“What?”

“That's what cut your finger. It's not very big, but I did feel the jagged edge from the missing piece when I went to pick up the TV.”

“Oh.” I swallowed hard as I held the door open as he walked through. “Be careful, it's sharp.”

Reid shuffled in, carrying the television over to place on the ground a few feet across from the sofa. He didn't even bother to plug it in before he turned and headed for me.

“Let me see your finger.”

“It's nothing. It's just a little cut.”

He threw me a look, walking me over to the sink. I let him wash my finger off and dry it with a paper towel. When he put a band aid on it, I finally found my voice.

“I didn't mean to drop it.”

I was picked up and set on the countertop before I could say another word.

“I don't give a fuck about the dent or the TV. Look at me. You're not in trouble. You have no reason to apologize. Tauren… do you think I'm mad at you?”

“I don't know. Your voice changed out there. You sounded angry.”

“Not at you.” His stare searched mine. “At your reaction. The terror on your face when you thought you were in trouble. I never want to see that again.”

My lids closed, trapping me in the darkness for only a moment. “I should really call Nancy, my therapist. I missed our last appointment, and she's been calling.”

“You see a therapist?” My lids opened at his question, but he continued. “There's nothing wrong with that, I was just curious. Does she know about what Emmett was doing to you? Saying to you?” More, his eyes scanned my face. “Does she know about me?”

“Sort of. I don’t know. I’m not the easiest patient. What she knows is that my life and head are chaos. How am I going to tell her what happened? I don't even want to imagine what she's going to think of me then.”

“Taur, what happened wasn't your fault. Emmett initiated. He hurt you. Two weeks later, you still have bruises.”

“You don't understand. She can’t see what happened; she’ll only hear about it. She's going to think the same thing that I do even if she doesn't say it. Violence. Murder. Patterns. What’s the common denominator?” His brow creased. “Me, Reid. It’s me .”