Page 38 of On My Side (Quiblings #3)

I cup her cheek and wipe away her tears with my thumb, knowing it’s risky.

“I can’t give you pieces of me, and I don’t want pieces of you.

I want so much fucking more. You already have all of me, because you…

you saw me without even trying. And I want all of you, too.

Even if you’re scared and can’t do it right away. I want us to at least try .”

She leans into my hand, and the pressure is like coming home.

“I’m scared I won’t do it right, and I’ll keep hurting you.

I haven’t told you everything about what happened when Piper was born.

But I texted her dad, who was away at college, that I was pregnant, and he wanted nothing to do with it, so I planned on getting an abortion. ”

She inhales shakily. “The nurse from school called my parents to tell them about the pregnancy because she knew them from church and wanted them to know before word got out. They sat me down and told me they made an appointment for the abortion, and if I didn’t go, I would be kicked out.

And you know Piper, how hard-headed she is.

I was worse. Hearing them say I had to abort…

” She gives me a watery smile. “I decided to continue the pregnancy out of pure spite, and I left before they could kick me out.”

I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know all this, I just knew it wasn’t easy when she was pregnant, but I didn’t know the specifics.

“I… um. I never wanted you to know this part. But I need you to understand where my fear comes from.” Her voice is barely audible and my heart sinks, unsure if I’m ready for what comes next.

“After I left, I went to your house. Kat and I already weren’t talking, but I thought your family would help.

“Your mom answered the door and I told her what was going on and asked if I could stay with you. And… um, she told me there were consequences to the choices we make. She didn’t want me to be a negative influence on you and your siblings. It hurt more than my own parents’ rejection.”

A raging sea of anger grows in my core. “What the hell?”

“My aunt was the only person who didn’t define me by my pregnancy. Then we lost her, and I’ve been so, so afraid of letting anyone in, because I don’t think I’m worth staying for. And that was okay, because no one was worth the risk of being abandoned again.

“But then you showed up.” Her voice cracks.

“And you kept showing up. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and it scares me, Ren.

Because I already know how your parents feel about me, and how they’d feel about someone like me dating their son.

What happens if they still don’t want me around, or when you realize what a mess I am?

When you realize you can do better? What happens to me? What happens to Piper?”

My eyes burn with the threat of my own tears.

“I didn’t realize how many people failed you, and I hate that I became one of them.

I’m scared too, because this incredible woman I feel so much for wants different things than me, and I’ve lost myself trying to love others many times.

It’s not that I don’t want to do casual, it’s that I can’t .

” I exhale roughly. “I told you I’m demisexual, but I’m also pansexual, which means the stereotype is I want to fuck everyone, but it means my attraction isn’t based on gender.

I need a strong emotional connection to be attracted to someone.

So that first night? I was already all in.

I kept sinking deeper and deeper, and I realized if I kept going I was going to drown. I had to save myself.”

I force myself to meet her eyes, my heart lurching at the pure expression of grief.

“I understand, especially the stereotype. I’m bisexual, so I am a victim of it to an extent, too. But I’d never want you to lose yourself,” she whispers. “I didn’t realize that’s what I was asking you to do.”

“I didn’t tell you.”

“I didn’t ask . I’m going to keep hurting you, Ren, no matter how much I don’t want to. Because I’ll always be waiting for you to have enough and leave. I’m trying to challenge that belief, you know? I want more from life.”

“Hey.” I take the biggest risk of my life when I press my forehead to hers.

“What if I stay? What if the people who abandoned you were the problem? What if that’s not how you deserve to be treated?

And yeah, you can always wonder what happens if I leave…

but what happens if I don’t? What happens if I stay?

What happens if you let me be on your side?

“What if you’ve protected Piper so well that no matter what happens, she’ll be okay?

Give me a chance, Aud. Let me prove I’m not going anywhere, that you’re worth wanting everything with.

I’ll go as slow as you want to, I’ll do anything.

” I’m well aware that I’m begging, and honestly I don’t care.

I mean every word. “My life is empty without you and Piper, and I need…”

I’m cut off when she throws her arms around my shoulders and presses her lips to mine. Simultaneously, we exhale in relief as I pull her in closer to me.

This is where I belong. With her, in her life.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispers after breaking the kiss.

I brush a strand of hair out of her face. “I missed you,” I echo. “It felt like I was dying.”

“You’re okay going slow?” she asks anxiously. “I don’t want to push you away further.”

“Slow is good. Slow dancing, slow sex, slow mornings…” My hands trail down her sides, settling on her waist. “I want to take my time with you, Audrey Elise. I want slow.”

I bring her lips to mine, kissing her soft and slow and languid to prove this is what I want. That she’s what I want.