Page 30 of On My Side (Quiblings #3)
Ren
Playlist: Hold My Girl | George Ezra
This has been simultaneously the weirdest and best night of my life.
“So this is where you listen to Sky,” I muse, taking the opportunity to look around her bedroom.
It’s spacious and decorated in sky blues and greens, reminding me of sea glass.
There’s a picture on her nightstand of her in a hospital bed holding a red-faced, screaming newborn, and a dresser with a mirror across from the bed.
In the corner stands a bookshelf with a few books, but it’s mostly filled with artwork by and pictures of Piper through the years.
It’s a pretty unassuming room, but it’s so cozy, so welcoming, so Audrey .
“Yep,” she says, popping the ‘p’ and somehow snuggles in closer to me. “Every release day, sometimes more often.” She pauses for a moment before continuing. “Most of the time more often. Can I ask you about him?”
“About Sky?”
“Yeah.”
I shrug. Honestly, I’d rather be eating her pussy again, but I can be patient. “Sure.”
“What made you decide to… to…”
“To work with 4Play? To create audio erotica?”
She nods against me. “Yeah.”
“The founder is a friend from college who reached out when they were developing the app and asked if I was interested. I was struggling to make ends meet just teaching and… I don’t know. It sounded interesting.
“I’d recently gotten out of a rough situationship I thought was a relationship, I was hurting, and it felt like something just for me. Something no one else knows about.” I glance down at her, and find her eyes on me already. “Except you. And my best friend, Will.”
She smiles softly. “So that’s why you use a stage name?”
“I use one for a lot of reasons. I don’t want my family knowing I’m involved with sex work, for one. And I’m a teacher. I love teaching, and I don’t want to jeopardize my job. When I record, I’m not Ren Quinn, or Mr. Q. I’m Sky, a man who’s safe to be open in his sexuality and exploration of it.”
“Why did you pick that name?”
My face heats. “Oh, god. I can’t tell you that, you’d never stop making fun of me.”
“Ren.” She tilts my face. “I promise I won’t make fun of you.”
“That’s sweet, but you shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”
She scowls at me. “I’m serious!”
“So am I. You’re going to make fun of me. You should accept it.”
“I can’t believe you have such little faith in me!”
“Fine, I’ll tell you. But remember this: I told you so.”
She rolls her eyes. “Drama king.”
“In my mind, Sky’s last name is Walker.”
She blinks at me in confusion.
I sigh heavily. “Sky… Walker.”
It takes her a second before her face gives way to understanding. “Oh. My. God.”
I sigh. “There it is.”
“As in Luke ?” she squeals.
“Yup.” She literally has her hand slapped over her mouth. “I told you so.”
She laughs, loud and hearty and full and bright and, you know what, I’ll make a fool out of myself whenever she wants, as long as I can get that laugh.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect that,” she wheezes.
“Quite frankly, that seems like your own damn fault.”
She giggles and stretches out to press a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “I love it.”
“You’re not embarrassed you got yourself off to a guy whose name is a Star Wars tribute?”
“I don’t think I could be embarrassed about anything about you. Everything I learn makes me like you more.”
That’s a win for nerds everywhere.
“I like you, too,” I say quietly, turning my face to press my lips into the center of her palm. “If it wasn’t obvious.”
“Ren?”
“Mmm?”
She pauses and shakes her head, dropping her hand. “Never mind, it’s silly.”
I furrow my brow. “Well, now you have to tell me.”
She’s quiet, and for a moment I think she’s not going to budge. “Do you think a universe exists where we work out? A universe where people wouldn’t judge you for being with me? Where we could just be happy?”
It feels like someone reached into my chest and cut my heart out with a dull, rusty knife. “What do you mean?”
“Ren, I’m not someone you can bring home to your family. I’m not someone you can be with in public. I’m me .”
“I like that you’re you,” I say so quietly I’m not even sure she hears. It’s because she’s her that I so desperately want her in my life. Not in spite of her past, but because everything she went through created the most extraordinary woman I’ve ever known.
“And you’re… god, Ren you’re perfect. Everything about you is good and kind and wonderful and I’m the exact opposite.”
Somehow the pain in my chest gets even worse. “I’m not perfect, Audrey. I work really hard to make people think that because it’s easier for everyone if I don’t need help, or if I’m fine on my own or able to come through for everyone else.
“You’re the only person I can simply exist with.
I love my family, but Jesus Christ, they’re a mess.
Someone always needs something and that’s fine…
but they know I’m the one who will come through.
And of course I will, because everyone else has their own thing going on, but I can come through for them. I show up. Because I have to. Because…”
I choke on my words, realizing it’s the first time I’ve said this out loud. “Because if I don’t show up, if I’m not perfect, I’m nothing.”
“Ren,” she says, voice hushed. “I didn’t… that’s not true. You could never be nothing.”
I don’t know if I believe her. “All of my siblings have a role in the family. Mine is being exactly who they need me to be. I’m the one no one has to worry about and I don’t know what happens if I’m not who they expect me to be.”
She exhales shakily. “Yeah. I get that.”
My stomach sinks. “Fuck, I didn’t mean…”
“I know.” She smiles at me but it’s watery. “I wish I could tell you they love you for who you are, not who they want you to be, but in my experience that’s not how people are.”
She snuggles into my chest, and I wonder if she can feel the way my heart is beating for her. “But I think maybe I was wrong. Maybe there are people who aren’t like that.”
My stomach feels like I’m on an intense roller coaster instead of in bed. A roller coaster with inversions and loops and big drops and…
“I know I said I wanted to keep going…” Audrey’s voice is quiet, but not quite a whisper. “But would it be okay if we stay like this?”
This is Audrey with her head on my chest, her fingers mindlessly playing with my St. Anthony medal. This is my arms wrapped around her, holding her close and feeling so understood by her.
“Yes,” I respond, hoping she doesn’t notice my voice cracking. “Let’s stay like this.”
I don’t tell her I also want us to grow, to change. To get to a place where we can love each other and our lives can intertwine, because I think that might be everything I want.
But for now, I’ll be happy with this.