Page 18 of On My Side (Quiblings #3)
Audrey
Playlist: Look What You Made Me Do | Taylor Swift
Ren
hey, sorry it’s last minute, but i’m not going to be able to do a lesson tomorrow. can you apologize to piper for me?
Audrey
oh
Ren
first week of classes was harder than i expected.
Audrey
ren, i know i’m acting kind of weird, and while i’d love to explain i don’t know that i can. But please don’t take it out on piper. I’ll meet with you, we can talk. This is important to her, and it’s important to me and i’m sorry i’m a mess and immature and a fuck-up.
Ren
well, i definitely didn’t say THAT. but i do wish you’d agreed to talk to me sooner.
Audrey
what does that mean?
I’m staring at my phone, waiting for a response to Ren’s cryptic comment.
I don’t get one.
It’s my first day back at work in over a week. After the incident with Ren, I spiraled. Fast. I found myself in bed until Nia texted me that we were understaffed today and they needed backup.
So I brushed my teeth and took a shower for the first time in forever, and here I am, in my office at the inn and wondering what my child’s piano teacher is talking about.
I’m on medication. I go to therapy. I try to use the coping skills I’ve learned over the years and I still have week-long depressive episodes where all I do is sleep and watch TV.
It makes me feel like such a failure. Eva reminds me being diagnosed with major depressive disorder literally means it’s chronic and these episodes will come and go, but still.
Shouldn’t I know how to handle them after over a decade of treatment?
I try to focus on my work throughout the day, but I find my mind constantly wandering to Ren. Ren who held my hand through a symphony, for no discernable reason besides the fact he’d wanted to. Ren, who gave me his sweater and listened to me like what I had to say was important.
Ren, who possibly knows I listen to audio erotica. His audio erotica. Ren, who’s been reaching out and trying to connect while I continue to push him away.
Ren, who probably hates me because I’ve refused to communicate with him.
It’s probably for the best. We’d be awful together.
He’s beloved by the community, and he should be with someone who is equally beloved, not the depressed single mom who spends a week in bed, barely eating or taking care of herself.
He saw how Celia treated me at the diner, and that’s just a snapshot of what our future would look like if he chose to be with me.
He deserves someone he can brag about, someone who doesn’t send her employees to the town meetings to avoid interacting with townspeople. Someone who doesn’t drive twenty miles to Norwalk to grocery shop. Someone he can introduce with pride.
That will never be me.
While he may not understand why, me pushing him away is the biggest kindness I could show him.
I fear my heart’s already too soft to have quick, meaningless sex when he’s come to mean so much to me.
To Piper, too. God. Piper. I probably ruined everything for her.
Because that seems to be what I do lately. Ruin good things.
Audrey
hi birdie, we had a call-in so i’m going to stay a little late at work. You can use my card to order pizza if you want.
Piper
meh, thanks but no thanks. i’m gonna make ramen.
I put my phone on the front desk and answer the ringing phone, taking a quick note of what the guests in room 33 need: toothpaste and shaving cream. I collect the items and give them to our runner before helping the guest waiting to check-in for a two-night stay.
Around an hour later, Piper’s text tone goes off, so I pick my phone up again.
Piper
hey moooooom? can you ask Mr. Q if I can cat sit leia soon?pleeeeeeeeaaaaaasseeeee sad emoji
Well, there goes my multi-hour streak of not thinking about Ren.
Except for when a toddler started banging on the piano in the lobby earlier.
When I looked, I swore it was him on the bench.
I caught myself thinking of him again when I was on hold with one of our suppliers and Für Elise was the hold music. Or…
Fine. I tried, okay?
Audrey
why don’t you ask him yourself tomorrow at your lesson?
Piper
i thought you told me he cancelled this week?
I groan and fight the urge to slam my head against the desk. He did cancel. He gave a reason, but I can’t help doubting his excuse. If he wants to avoid me, fine. He can have his space.
I’ll continue to ignore the fact it hurts my heart to think about him not being around.
I need to masturbate, to someone who isn’t Ren. I’ll try a new performer tonight and I’ll forget about Ren Quinn and Sky and we can go back to being maybe friends and I won’t wonder what his beard would feel like on my neck as he sucks on my pulse point.
Because normal people don’t think that about friends. At least, I won’t. I refuse.
But what would it be like to have him that close? To have his hands on my body, giving me relief with more than his voice and words? Pleasuring me with his hands, his tongue, his…
I jolt as the phone rings. “Front desk, how can I help you?”
I take notes for what this particular guest needs, trying to ignore what my body is screaming I need.
When I finally get home, it’s almost ten p.m., and I’m exhausted. I stop in to see Piper, who’s on her iPad. Then I head directly for my bedroom, unbuttoning my top as I go.
While removing my contacts, I tell myself over and over I’m going to get myself off to someone new. Someone who isn’t Ren’s alter ego. Someone who will get me to stop fantasizing about this man I should have nothing to do with.
I strip down to my underwear and climb onto the bed. I lay back against my pillows, hair splayed across the white linen and open 4Play.
I promise, I’m going to explore the other creators. I’m going to listen to someone new.
But the first thing I see is Sky’s new release. Sky doesn’t usually release on Fridays, and it’s simply titled, “For You.”
I’m a weak, foolish woman, because I’m pressing play before I even look at the tags, my stomach fluttering like this man made this for me.
“Hi, sweetheart.” Sky’s voice surrounds me through my headphones, followed by a deep chuckle. See? I can do this. I can get off to Sky and forget he’s Ren. I can separate the two and it’ll be fine. “ Can I call you sweetheart? It feels right to call you that, and you said you might want me to.”
I spread my legs and plant my feet on the mattress as I reach for my favorite vibrator.
“It’s been a minute, huh? You’re not talking to me, so I decided to get through to you in a way I knew would work.”
I turn on the vibrator and place it over my clit, inhaling sharply at the sensation. Fuck . I’ve been horny all day and I’m desperate for an orgasm.
“I don’t know if you realize it yet, but this is a little different. A little improvised. A little… personal.”
God. It’s no use. When I close my eyes, it’s Ren I see. Ren leaning over me, asking if he can have me like this. Ren pushing me against the wall and kissing me until my lips are swollen. Ren kissing me awake and kissing down my body…
And that’s where my sexual fantasies have gone. Soft intimacy, not with some faceless performer, but with Ren .
I want Ren. In more ways than I should. In all the ways I shouldn’t.
“I hope your head’s okay, I had a nasty bump on my forehead for a few days.”
My eyes fly open and the hand that was pinching my nipple through my bra flies to my forehead, where I covered a quarter-sized bruise with concealer this morning.
“And if you’re thinking I’m not talking about you, not talking to you… you’re wrong, sweetheart. I’m talking about you, to you. Because I’m always fucking thinking about you.”
I slowly sit up as my vibrator falls to the mattress, buzzing against the sheets. My head is swimming, my stomach sinking.
No.
No.
“You’re getting it, aren’t you? You’re getting I know you knew I didn’t need towels. And it’s clicking I know you know my secret. And I know yours, sweetheart.”
I pull my headphones off my head.
“What the fuck ?” I say, probably too loud.
But really, is there too loud a volume for this?
Because honestly, what the fuck ?
I get to my feet, grab my glasses, and pull out a pair of bike shorts and an oversized t-shirt. If he gets to be absolutely unhinged, then I do, too.