Page 35 of On My Side (Quiblings #3)

Audrey

Playlist: Can’t Take My Eyes off You (Acoustic) | Nora thumbs up emoji

“What is he doing now?” Piper asks, pointing at the TV.

She and I are snuggled up on the couch, a microwaved dish towel across her lower belly.

I don’t get my period with my IUD, so I was completely unprepared for when Piper tearfully told me she saw blood on the toilet paper.

I should’ve been prepared, considering she’s fifteen and hadn’t gotten one yet.

I should’ve had pads and tampons for her to choose from. I should have known . Been ready.

“What is who doing now?” I ask. I’d been thinking about Ren, and I was pretty certain she wasn’t asking about him.

“Patrick Verona, of course.” I can sense Piper’s eye roll as she gestures to Heath Ledger’s character in 10 Things I Hate About You serenading his love interest on the bleachers.

“Oh, sweetie.” I’m about to break this poor girl’s heart.

Luckily, a knock at the door interrupts us and Piper adjusts so I can get out from under her.

“While you’re up, can you microwave this again?

” She holds up the DIY heating pad I’d made her out of a kitchen towel drenched in water and shoved into a gallon freezer bag.

I should have asked Ren to get a heating pad.

The DIY project works fine when I need it, but Piper’s cramps are pretty bad, and it doesn’t stay hot for long.

I take the heating pad from her and put it in the microwave for thirty seconds before opening the door.

“Hey,” I greet Ren, who’s on the porch with much, much more than the four items I’d requested.

“Hey,” he responds. “I, uh. I brought way more than you asked for.”

A smile spreads across my face when I notice the cat carrier slung over his shoulder. “You brought Princess Leia.”

I’m not sure how, when he has at least four reusable shopping bags and a living being hanging off his arms. “Yeah… I should’ve asked… I brought food and stuff too, so she can spend the night, if it’s okay with you.”

“Leia’s here?” I jump when Piper is suddenly ducking under my arm to unzip the cat carrier.

“You’re in too much pain to get off the couch to microwave your heating pad,” I remind her.

“Yes. But not too much to come get my best friend!” she says, lifting the fluffball into her arms and kissing her all over her fuzzy head. “Can she stay? Pleeeeeease?” She widens her eyes into a puppy dog pout, which is playing dirty and she knows it.

“Okay,” I agree, meeting Ren’s eyes. He’s fighting back a laugh, but his eyes are sad. I know it’s my fault, and I don’t know how to fix it.

“You should stay too, Mr. Q!” Piper says excitedly. “We’re watching a really old movie called 10 Things I Hate About You .”

“Ah, an ancient artifact,” the traitor agrees. “I’m gonna help your mom put this stuff away, but then I have to head out.”

Piper’s face falls. “Oh,” she sighs sadly. “It’s okay, I guess.”

“I… I mean. Maybe I can stay for the rest of the movie,” Ren stammers, cheeks reddening. I roll my eyes. Is he this much of a sucker for his other students, or does Piper have some sort of evil power?

Piper goes back to her spot on the couch while Ren and I head to the kitchen to unpack the bags.

He surprises me when he not only pulls out the items I’d asked for, but several other things I didn’t.

Ice cream, Midol, and a heating pad. My stomach flips when he pulls the last item out of the bag.

It’s like he knew what we needed without me telling him.

“Leia’s food and bowls are in this bag,” he says motioning to a colorful reusable bag next to him on the floor. “And I can come grab her in the morning if you want, or after I have dinner at my parents’ if Piper wants her for longer and if it’s okay with you.”

“Whatever’s easiest for you,” I respond, pulling my phone out. “How much do I owe you?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

I meet his eyes, and fight the urge to look away, to hide.

I spent yesterday and today, until he called about Piper, in bed having shitty brain days.

It’s not his fault—if he needs space, he needs space.

But I don’t know how to deal with the sadness from him suddenly not being a part of my daily routine anymore. I miss him.

“Ren, I’m worrying about it.”

“Don’t, I’ve got it.” I want to grab him by his shirt, shake him so that perfect, floppy hair falls into his face, and tell him I need to pay him.

“I don’t want to owe you.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” he responds, a touch of frustration in his voice. “That’s what I’m saying. I’ve got it.”

“I can’t let you do this for me,” I insist.

“I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing it for Piper. I’d do it for any of my students if they needed. That’s all this is, okay?”

“And you’d bring your cat to them too?” I challenge.

His cheeks flush. “That’s not what we’re talking about. Piper is important to me, and yeah. Maybe my feelings for you impacted how much she means to me, but I care. God, I wish I didn’t care ,” he hisses, rubbing his temples.

“I’m glad you care,” I say quietly. “I don’t think you know how much I’ve wished Piper had more people who showed up for her. And it’s my own damn fault she doesn’t, right? But you showed up for her tonight, and I’m grateful.”

“I want to show up for you, too,” he says quietly. “I wish I could be who you want.”

A small flicker of hope ignites in my chest. “Ren, I don’t see why we can’t… try again. We had fun. I had fun, at least. And not just with the sex but with everything and…”

“But I’d always be your dirty little secret.

I can’t be a real-life Sky to you, only existing to you when you want an orgasm.

I want everything with you, Audrey. You asked if I thought there was a universe where we work out, and I think it’s this one.

I want to hold your hand and call you my partner and kiss your cheek in public.

I want you to come to Sunday dinners and to be an emergency contact for you and Piper.

I want to love you both, but you won’t let me. I’m… just a guy you fucked.”

He sounds so resigned, so hurt and it hurts me. “That’s not true, Ren. You’re much more than that. You’re my best friend.”

The sadness in his eyes tells me that’s not enough.

“I’m staying because Piper asked, but that’s it,” he says, averting his gaze back to the floor. “You know what you want, and I know what I need, and they’re incompatible. That’s it.”

The silence after he leaves me in the kitchen echoes. I force myself to return to the living room, where Ren’s on the couch next to Piper, who’s chattering away, explaining the plot of the movie to him with Leia tucked in her arms.

“So now you’re back to having zero friends,” Eva says, reading me for absolute filth.

I exhale heavily, leaning back in my desk chair. I decided to do therapy in my office today so I could be on call because of a callout. “I suppose you’re right. I’m back to zero friends.”

Eva doesn’t say anything, just stares at me.

“And, I mean…” I continue with a hollow laugh. “Who’s surprised? Not me! Me not being enough for Ren? Shocking! I’ve never been enough for anyone.” The back of my throat burns with the threat of tears. “I want to be good enough for someone.”

“I’m curious. Ren has been in your life for a little while now, and he’s the first person you’ve let get this close to you. I’m wondering if you have feelings for him? Beyond friendship?” Eva asks.

“I don’t know. I don't even have friends, remember?”

Eva hums. “What about your high school friends? Was the way you felt about Ren reminiscent of how you felt about your friends in the past?”

My instinct is to say yes. To insist that, yes, my heart beat faster around my friends as a teenager. Yes, I always smiled when I thought about them, which was all the time. Yes, touching them made me feel like my skin was on fire. Yes, this is normal friend stuff.

When I don’t respond, Eva speaks again. “Can you do something for me? I want you to visualize your future, maybe five years down the road.”

I sigh, but oblige, closing my eyes.

“I want you to imagine the life that makes you happy. Where’s Piper? What does your relationship with her look like?”

“Piper’s in college,” I answer immediately. “We FaceTime once a week and she’s happy.”

“What do you do when you come home from work?”

“Make dinner, I guess. Watch TV and go to bed.”

“Are you alone?”

I’ve always been alone, except for Piper and Aunt Olivia.

But in this moment, five years down the road, Ren is cooking dinner with me.

Kissing me good morning and goodnight. Snuggling me on the couch, his hand on my rounded belly.

He gets out of bed when our toddler has a nightmare, carrying them back to bed.

I can hear him, reading their favorite book to them, complete with the various characters’ voices.

And I’m grateful. At peace. Happy.

I open my eyes, and a tear escapes. “No,” I admit. “I’m not alone.”

Eva smiles kindly at me. “You’ve achieved so much in your life.

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you have.

You’ve raised a child you’re proud of, you run the inn you once wanted to give up, you worked your ass off to get your degree.

If you can do that, I have complete faith you can get to where you want to be. ”

I sniff and swipe at my nose with the back of my hand. “It sounds scary.”

“Scarier than being pregnant your senior year of high school? Or doing it all on your own?”

“Yes,” I answer immediately. Eva cocks an eyebrow and I sigh, resigned. “I guess not.”

“The Audrey I met fifteen years ago had a tiny little baby she felt disconnected from. A stubborn teenager who never thought she’d be okay again.

Look at you now. You have a wonderful relationship with Piper.

You’ve grown and healed and yes, going out of your comfort zone and challenging your core beliefs is always going to be terrifying.

But you’ve done it before, and I know you can do it again. ”

My responding smile is shaky, but it’s there. I hope one day, I can have the kind of belief in myself my therapist does.