Page 54 of No Such Thing as Serendipity

Robyn and I avoided any serious conversation at dinner or on our ride back to her apartment, knowing it would come later.

Once we arrived at the apartment, Millie was the perfect distraction.

I’d considered asking to take her for a long walk, but I wanted to touch Robyn, bring her to one more orgasm before I left.

After we returned from a short walk with Millie, Robyn took my hand and led me to her bedroom.

It was just after eight, which meant two more hours.

We’d agreed I’d leave at ten since my flight left so early in the morning.

The hunger in her eyes matched the hunger I felt.

Before I knew what was happening, we were tearing at each other’s clothes.

There was none of the slow exploration that had become customary.

I’d never felt such need. We fell onto the bed, and Robyn’s hands were all over my body, as mine were on hers.

It didn’t take us long to reach our first orgasm before we started up again. Forty-five minutes later, I fell against the pillow, satiated.

Robyn lay with her head on my chest as we caught our breath.

“Damn,” Robyn said. “What the hell was that?”

“You’re going to miss me,” I said and kissed the top of her head.

She squeezed me with her arm that laid across my stomach. “What about you? Are you going to miss me?”

Now was my time. The perfect opportunity to show Robyn what I’d found, so we could avoid a painful goodbye.

“Of course, I would miss you, but I have a better idea.”

She shifted and gazed up at me. Her neck muscles strained as she did. “I sense this will be a serious conversation, so let’s sit up.”

“Let me get my phone so I can show you what I’m talking about.”

Robyn grabbed our clothes off the floor. “We better get dressed. I can’t concentrate if I’m staring at your breasts.”

I laughed. “But I find yours inspirational.”

“I guess you’ll have to find inspiration somewhere else.” Robyn smirked and pulled her shirt over her head.

Once we were back on the bed, fully clothed, I tapped on my phone. “There’s something I’ve been exploring.”

“Okay?” Robyn drew out the word.

“What do you think?” I held out my phone to her. “Scroll left for the next picture.” My smile grew as I handed the phone to her.

“What am I looking at?” She turned to me with confusion. “Looks like empty storefronts to me.”

I nodded excitedly. “They are. What do you think?”

“Um, they’re nice.” The furrow on her brow deepened. “What are they for?”

“A bookstore.”

Her brows knitted, and she shook her head. “These are in New York City, right?”

“Yep.” I pointed to the first picture. “That’s in Midtown Manhattan, and the other one is in Brooklyn. Which do you like?”

She shoved the phone back at me. “Neither.”

“Oh, okay. I can ask my Realtor to look for something else.”

“I don’t want something else. Not in New York. Not anywhere.”

My stomach dropped. “You won’t even consider it?”

“No!” Robyn slid off the bed. “I knew I shouldn’t have started this.”

Her words cut me. “Don’t say that. It’s not like I bought anything, but I thought it would give you—us—options.”

She’d moved across the room to her dresser. The distance between us seemed greater than the distance from here to my penthouse in New York City.

“I don’t mean I regret our time together, but maybe I’ve given you a false impression.” The chill in her tone caused me to shiver.

Part of me wanted to take back my offer and pretend it never happened if it could get her to stop talking.

“I’ve really enjoyed the last few weeks,” Robyn said. “But we’ve always known it wouldn’t be anything more than what it is. Remember, no strings attached.”

How had I misjudged everything so badly? All the oxygen in the room disappeared. I wanted out of her bed, out of this room, but I sat staring at her.

“If you’d like, we can stay in touch. Call each other now and then. Text.”

Her voice was like a jackhammer in my skull. Text? What the hell did that mean? I could send her funny memes every once in a while. Anger rose inside of me. “Hey, better yet, what social media platform do you use? Maybe we can follow each other.”

She paused. Had she flinched, or did I imagine it? “I try to avoid social media as much as I can.”

I gave her a nonchalant shrug. “Oh, well, I guess that settles it then.” My body finally moved off the bed, even though I wasn’t sure how I was propelling it. I regretted having put on my clothes already because it would have given me something to do other than awkwardly stand and stare at her.

“Are you upset with me?” Robyn asked in her calm facilitator voice.

Hearing it, something inside of me cracked. “Why the fuck should I be upset with you?”

“There’s no need to swear.”

“Isn’t there? How about yell? Is there any fucking reason to yell?” I knew I was out of control, but I wanted her to react. Show some fucking emotions. Instead of her stoic calm.

“There is no reason to yell, either.” Her tone softened, growing quieter. “I’m not certain what you expected from me.”

“I expected you to give a damn. To care that I’m leaving.”

“I do.” Her expression remained blank and her tone low. “I just don’t believe overreacting is going to help the situation.”

“Over-fucking-reacting. Is that what I’m doing?” The vein in my neck pulsed. I’d come here after Terrence had thrown me to the curb. Here I thought I’d healed—changed—but I was back to where I started, being thrown out by someone else.

I expected her to take a step toward me. To calm me, but she stood next to the dresser with her arm draped on top of it, making no move toward me.

“What do you want me to say?” she asked.

Good question. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing. In fact, I wish you’d just stop talking. There’s nothing left to be said.”

“Okay. If that’s what you want.”

Her calm voice was grating on me. How could she be like this when I was falling apart? My humorless laugh held contempt, but I didn’t care. I stomped from the room in a blind rage. I needed to find my shoes.

Millie was snoring in her bed when I entered the living room. Seeing her tore at my heart. I took a deep breath, hoping I wouldn’t hyperventilate. The last thing I wanted was to pass out.

I didn’t know Robyn had followed me until she said, “Are you leaving now?”

I spun around. My anger boiled over. “You got what you wanted from me, so why would you care?”

“That’s not fair.”

For the first time, I glimpsed a crack in her armor, but it disappeared as soon as it came.

“Then what is fair, huh? Tell me, Robyn. Was I just a convenient fuck buddy? Have you been playing me all along?” I knew she hadn’t, but her lack of emotion was fueling my panic.

I kneeled and ran my hand over Millie’s fur.

“Hey, Millie, am I one of a long string of women your mama drags home?” It was a low blow, but I wanted a reaction, some emotion from Robyn.

“That was uncalled for.” Still no anger. Just her robotic delivery.

I stood. “My bad.” My voice dripped with sarcasm.

“What did you expect from me?” Robyn’s voice maintained its calm edge, while I wanted her to yell, so at least I’d know she cared. “Did you think I’d give up my entire life here and follow you to New York?”

“I thought you’d at least consider it.” My jaw hardened. “But you dismissed it out of hand. You dismissed me.” Tears welled in my eyes. “Fuck this. Where are my keys?” I glanced around the room. In my upset state, I couldn’t remember where I’d put them.

“So you’re leaving?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“It’s only nine thirty. We still have half an hour.”

Her words wiped away any resolve I had left. “What. Is. Wrong. With. You?”

“I think your keys are in the kitchen.” She pivoted and left the room.

I gaped at her.

She returned with my keys, but she didn’t give them to me. Instead, she set them on the end table.

“Now I understand the old expression that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.” Shit. I’d just implied I loved her. “Screw it.” I snatched my keys off the table.

“Is that what you think? That I’m indifferent?”

Tears streamed down my face, making me angrier. Once again, I was falling apart while Robyn was under control.

“Never mind. I need…” My words caught in my throat when I looked into her eyes. They no longer held indifference. All I saw was an intense pain. I took a step toward her. “Robyn—”

She backed away. “No, don’t.”

I stopped. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

She shook her head and stepped back farther, putting as much distance between us as she could without leaving the room. “I think you should go.”

“I don’t.”

“What do you want from me?” Her voice held a note of anguish.

“I don’t know. But I don’t want this to end.”

“Don’t you understand? There’s no other choice.”

“But I gave you another option. If the bookstore isn’t enough, there are retreats in the city. You could run groups.”

“Did you hear anything I said on the boat?” Her voice trembled.

“You mean about your past?”

“I can never put myself in an environment like that again. I can’t risk it.”

My shoulders relaxed. This was an easy problem to solve. “You can do whatever you want. You don’t have to work. I just thought you’d want your own bookstore.”

“You’re not listening.” She resorted back to her calm delivery. The pain in her eyes was gone, replaced by a hollow stare. “I won’t get into another situation where I could lose control again. This is where I belong.”

I studied her for a moment. “Oh, my god, how did I miss it?”

“Miss what?”

“After the sharing circle, I overheard the exchange you had with Dana.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“She accused you of having a frozen heart.”

“After all this time we’ve spent together, that’s what you think of me?” Robyn’s tone held a hint of anger, but she maintained her tranquil expression.

I shook my head. “No, I don’t. Just like you never believed my facade.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Color dotted Robyn’s cheeks, telling me she wasn’t as emotionless as she appeared.

“My relentless ambition and drive were how I kept myself from feeling. While you maintain control by hiding behind a mask of peace and serenity.”

“But you screwed that all up.” Her words didn’t feel accusatory, just resigned, and her dull eyes showed a spark of emotion.

“I did.” My anger subsided, and I took a step toward her.

“It was just supposed to be fun.” Robyn crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself. “That’s what we agreed to. No strings, remember?”

Something inside of me shifted. I’d changed from the person I was when I’d come here.

My previous self would have mounted my defenses, but I didn’t want to do that with Robyn.

This was too important. I moved toward her.

This time, she didn’t back away. I put my hand on her shoulder and looked into her eyes.

She held my gaze. As much as I yearned to wrap her in a hug, I needed to see her expression when I spoke the words I was about to utter.

“I remember,” I said. “But then I went and fell in love with you.”

She stared at me, and tears streamed down her cheeks. I wondered if she even knew she was crying. She hugged herself tighter, but she didn’t break eye contact with me.

Even though I wanted to embrace her, I stood, not moving, waiting for her to respond. Despite my growing discomfort, I refused to allow myself to become guarded, so I took a deep breath and let my arms fall to my side with my palms up.

“I’m afraid for what happened in San Francisco to ever happen again.” Her voice was so soft I had to strain to hear her.

“So you came here to escape?” My tone was gentle, not accusatory.

“No, to heal.”

“Have you?”

“For the most part. I’ve never lost control like that again. Until…”

I waited for her to continue. I wouldn’t fill the void with unnecessary words.

She swallowed hard. “Until that day when we danced in the woods.”

I wanted to protest that the situations were nothing alike, but I remained quiet, giving Robyn the space to speak.

“I know it wasn’t the same, but I still felt out of control. And then we started this.” She waved her hand between us but then folded her arms around herself again. “I thought I could handle you leaving, but it hurts more than I could have imagined.”

“I know.” I nodded and gave her a sympathetic smile. “If I had to do it all over again, I still would. Would you?”

Pain flashed in her eyes. Then she looked away from me.

Fear gripped me. Was she about to tell me she wished this had never happened?

Without warning, she turned and threw herself into my arms and whispered in my ear, “I love you, too, Blake.”