Page 44 of No Such Thing as Serendipity

The villa was eerily quiet without my villa mates bustling around the kitchen.

It was the last day of intensive classes, and I was skipping them.

I figured I’d had enough, and Emma agreed.

If someone had told me I’d be sobbing like a baby, not just sobbing but doing it with an entire group surrounding and supporting me, I would have told them they’d lost their minds.

How had I changed so much in such a short time?

I’d always thought retreats were hokey and those who claimed to benefit unstable.

My perspective changed. In less than two weeks, thirty years of grief bottled up inside me poured out.

I had further to go, but after yesterday, I knew I’d continue that journey.

Last night, Robyn came to dinner and sat with me by the fire afterward. She held my hand the entire time, not caring if anyone else saw. She’d been right. By the time I fell into bed at ten, I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Tomorrow we’d say goodbye to half of the participants who weren’t staying on the additional two weeks. Dana was the only one in our villa leaving, and I’d miss her now that we’d made peace.

I had no idea what the next two weeks would bring, but it better include time with Robyn—lots of it.

As I lounged around the villa alone today and took a long walk in the woods, Robyn filled my thoughts.

I couldn’t recall when I’d been this excited about a date and found it hard to concentrate on anything else.

Even while answering my emails, Robyn wasn’t far from my thoughts.

I’d narrowed my choices down to two companies.

With Emma’s blessing, I’d dashed off an email to both, agreeing to an interview.

Last night, I’d confessed to Emma that I had been communicating with potential employers.

While I’d expected her to be angry, she’d just laughed, saying she’d expected it to be much worse.

I recalled last night, sitting around the fire with Robyn’s hand in mine.

It had been perfect, except for how the evening ended.

With so much intimacy between us, I longed to kiss her.

Instead, she gave me a tight hug before she and Millie headed home.

Would we kiss tonight? Would we do more? The thought sent a shiver through me.

In an hour, the others would return, so I’d better enjoy the solitude. I went to my dresser and pulled out my journal, the real one, not the imaginary one Emma had ripped up yesterday. Like I always did, I ran my hand over the smooth cover.

It had been my lifeline all these years. Now what?

I got up from the kitchen table and poured myself a glass of iced tea before I moved to the back patio. I set the journal on the small table positioned between the two chairs.

The sun was bright today, or maybe my outlook was different. Not wanting to put on sunglasses, I turned in my chair to avoid getting the full impact of the brightness. I stared at the journal, but I didn’t touch it.

Was it time I let it go? A knot formed in my stomach. It was all I had left of Auntie Bess. No, that wasn’t true. She’d always be a part of me. I carried her in my heart, always.

I tentatively put my fingertips on the book. Did I expect it to burn me? I chuckled to myself. In a way, it had consumed me most of my adult life.

Blaming the journal was easy, but I had painted myself into a corner.

Emma was right. Somewhere along the way, I stopped having fun.

I’d failed Auntie Bess, who’d been one of the most spontaneous fun people I’d ever known.

When she died, our lives became less colorful.

I should have taken on her role. Instead, I’d done the opposite.

“Fuck.” I slammed my fist on the journal.

“Whoa, Slugger,” a voice said from behind me.

I jumped. “Damn, Em, you scared the crap out of me.”

“Sorry.” She giggled, so I doubted the sincerity of the apology.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m staying here. Did you forget?” Emma grinned as she slipped into the chair across from me. “It’s gorgeous back here.” She motioned toward the woods in front of us.

I’d been so focused on the journal I hadn’t noticed the beauty, so I took it in now. I needed to do more of this. Commune with nature. Live in the moment. I took a deep breath and let the fresh air fill my lungs. “The air is different here.”

“And—” Emma cupped her hand over her ears. “Do you hear that?”

I narrowed my eyes. All I heard were birds, so I shook my head.

“You don’t? There’s a million birds out there.”

I laughed. “Oh, that. Yeah, I thought I was listening for something else.”

“Birds. That’s it. No traffic. No people. Just birds.”

I smiled and closed my eyes, listening. With my eyes closed, the sounds seemed louder. “Nice, isn’t it?”

“What?” Emma put a mocking tone in her voice. “Did you say it was nice here?”

“Smartass.” I opened my eyes and gazed into Emma’s. “But yeah, it’s kinda nice.”

“Who’s the big sister?” Emma stuck out her chin and wiggled her shoulders.

I snorted. “Don’t push it.”

“Back to my question,” Emma said. “Why are you swearing and pounding on the table?”

“Oh, no, my question first. Why aren’t you in class?”

“I skipped it.”

I let my mouth drop open. “Emma Fulton ditched class?”

She drew her eyebrows together, which made her look more like a cartoon character than someone angry. “I have some bad girl in me.”

“Right!”

“Just ask Andrew.” She wriggled her eyebrows.

“Eww, would you stop it?”

Emma burst out laughing. “See, I told you. Bad girl.”

“Okay, you win. Just don’t say shit like that to me. But you still didn’t tell me why you skipped class.”

“I thought you might need my help dressing for your date.”

“I’ve been dressing myself for forty years. I think I’ve got this.”

“You know what I mean.” Emma frowned. “Have you picked out your outfit yet?”

My shoulders slumped. She knew me too well. While Robyn dominated my thoughts today, selecting an outfit proved agonizing.

Emma pointed at my face. “I knew it. You’re stumped.”

“Fine. I am.” I covered my face with my hand. “I don’t know what to wear.”

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

I pretended to pound my head against the table. “Ugh. I suck at this. I asked her out on a date, and I have no idea where I’m taking her. How about a classy restaurant or something?”

“Shouldn’t you tell her, so she’ll know how to dress?”

I scrunched my eyes shut. “She texted earlier, asking.”

“What did you tell her?”

“That I’d get back to her.”

“Blake Saunders, when did you become so clueless?”

“I’m not on my home turf. If I were in New York, I’d have it all figured out. I date all the time.”

“Yet it’s been a long time since you’ve gone on a date with a girl you’re into.”

“Girl? Are we in high school?”

Emma glared at me. “You know what I mean. You’re just avoiding the truth.”

“And what would that truth be?” I shouldn’t ask, but I needed to hear what I already knew.

“That Robyn is different. That she makes you feel things you haven’t for a really long time. She scares you.”

I sat up straighter. “Jesus. I’ve got ice water in my veins. I’ve closed so many deals that nobody thought possible because I never blink, so I doubt I’m scared.”

Emma smirked and sat back in her chair. “You’re scared.” Her tone held a note of finality.

“Any suggestions where I should take her?”

Emma bit her bottom lip and said, “I have a novel idea.”

“What’s that?”

“Ask her?”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to understand Emma’s meaning. Surely, she wasn’t telling me to ask Robyn to marry me. That would be absurd. “Ask her what?”

“What she wants to do.” Emma studied me. “What did you think I meant?”

I waved my hand and hoped my face hadn’t reddened. “I asked her out, so I need to figure it out.”

Emma shook her head. “Remember why you’re here?”

Realization dawned on me. “Oh, you want to choose where we go?”

“No!” Emma practically shouted. “I want you to relinquish control and let Robyn have some say. Instead of me.”

“Oh.” I let out a deep breath. I supposed I could text her and see. “This new me is going to take time to get used to.”

“Don’t think of it that way. It’s not a new you. It’s you returning to the you that you always were.”

“I like that.”

Emma pointed at me. “But don’t think that you’ve made me forget my original question. Why are you pounding on the table and swearing?”

“That.” I turned up my nose as I glanced at my journal. “Trying to determine what I should do with it. Maybe it’s time to get rid of it.”

“Absolutely not!”

Her adamant tone caught me by surprise. “How do you really feel?”

“It’s a piece of Auntie Bess. The last piece of her. Why would you get rid of it?”

“Why would you pretend to rip it up?” I shot back.

“I was just trying to get your attention, but I’m so sorry.”

I waved off her apology. “You’d did nothing wrong. Maybe I need to do it to set myself free.”

“Do you want to be free of Auntie Bess?”

“No!” It was my turn to be adamant in my response. “Never.”

“Then instead of getting rid of it, you can turn it into something to move your life forward.”

I ran my hand over the smooth cover, and tears welled in my eyes. “It’s been with me a long time.”

Emma put her hand over mine. “And it should stay that way. You have control over it.”

I gave Emma a mischievous smile. “I thought I was supposed to give up control. Let serendipity take the wheel. Wasn’t there a country song about serendipity taking the wheel?” I knew it wasn’t the name, but I wanted to lighten the heaviness.

“Serendipity, take the wheel,” Emma sang off key, which I knew was purposeful since she could carry a tune.

“Catchy.” I nodded. “I see why it was such an enormous hit.”

Emma reached out and ruffled my hair. “Let’s go find you some date clothes.”

I pulled my phone from my pocket. “After I text Robyn to see where she’d like to go.”

“See, you are capable of learning.” Emma gave me a huge smile. Her affection for me was evident in her eyes.

“I love you, Em. Thanks for being you.”

Emma clutched her chest. “You’re killing me.” Then she smiled. “I love you, too, Blake.”