Page 43 of No Such Thing as Serendipity

“I cannot believe I lost my shit like that.” I rubbed my chest. “I’ve seen stuff like that in the movies, but I never thought it was real. Damn.”

The smiles that greeted me warmed my heart. Despite my embarrassment, I didn’t feel as awful as I thought I would. While the emotional release terrified me, it marked the beginning of my healing.

“Can I ask something?” Robyn’s expression was serious.

“Yeah.”

“Do you have insight into why you try to control everything?”

I smiled. “I’m taking it by your question you do.”

Robyn returned my smile. “Possibly, but I want to hear your thoughts.”

“When Auntie Bess was with us, they were the happiest years of our lives, weren’t they, Em?” I said.

“They were. Auntie Bess was so much fun. She made us all laugh, especially our mom.” Emma leaned against me. “Blake is a lot like her. Has the same playful sense of humor when she lets herself.” Emma’s face fell. “Everything changed, though.”

“It was a dark time when she died.” I sighed. “Mom was always at her to quit smoking, but she never did. For a long time, I blamed Auntie Bess. Maybe I still do. At the time, I believed she loved cigarettes more than she did us.”

“Most people don’t think it’ll happen to them,” Helena said. “It doesn’t mean she didn’t love you enough.”

“I know that up here.” I pointed to my head. “But my heart didn’t always listen.”

“It was harder since our mom never got over losing her,” Emma said.

A lump caught in my throat. “In a lot of ways, we lost our mom when we lost Auntie Bess.”

“It’s true. Mom was a shell of herself. Auntie Bess picked up the pieces when Dad left us, but nobody did when she went away.” Emma looked across the table at Robyn. “Blake adored, worshiped Auntie Bess. Even though I was the oldest, Auntie Bess gave Blake the role of protector.”

Could I say, in front of everyone, what I’d felt for so many years? If I wanted to be free, I had to. “And I failed.”

“What?” Emma said. “You didn’t fail.”

“Dad left us.”

“You were three.”

I nodded. “Then Auntie Bess died, and I couldn’t stop that, either.”

“No, Blake,” Emma said. “You can’t—”

“Okay, maybe I couldn’t stop those things, but then I let Mom slip away, and Auntie Bess told me to keep everyone together.” My breath caught in my throat.

“And we’ve come full circle to my question.” Robyn’s eyes glistened. “Is that why you try to control everything?”

I shrugged, feeling exposed and vulnerable.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to answer,” Robyn said.

My jaw clenched. “I figured if I did everything right, followed my plan, checked all the boxes, nothing bad would happen again. I could control the out-of-control, unpredictable world.”

“Did it work?” Robyn asked.

“Obviously not. But I believed it was. Nah, that’s not true. I knew it wasn’t, but instead of giving it up, I pushed harder.”

“Why do you think Emma didn’t have that problem?” Robyn asked.

I glanced at Emma. “Because she let go. She got softer, more flexible, while I got harder and more rigid. She bent in the wind while I fought against it. I believed it’s what strong people do, but Emma had more strength than me.”

“That’s not true,” Emma said. “You’ve always been my rock. Even when we were kids, so cut yourself some slack.”

“But it’s not working for me anymore.”

“That we can agree on.” Emma wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me so hard the air escaped my lungs.

As she was hugging me, Vera popped her head into the room. “I don’t want to break up the party, but I didn’t want you all to miss dinner, either.”

“Holy shit,” I said. “How long have we been in here?”

“It’s almost five o’clock,” Vera answered. “Millie had another argument with the ducks. She lost.”

Robyn groaned. “That dog.”

Once we stood, things got awkward. Did we simply leave after something like this?

Helena broke the ice when she walked toward me. “I know I could use a hug, what about you?”

I opened my arms, and she walked into them. We held each other tight, and then the rest moved in for a hug. Tears flowed again, but this time, I didn’t break.

While everyone filed out, I took Robyn’s elbow. “I’d like to talk to you. Finish our conversation.”

Robyn shook her head. “Not tonight.” She must have seen my face fall because she added, “I want to talk, too, but you’ve been through the wringer. You need time to recover.”

“But I feel lighter than I have in years.” I didn’t want to be argumentative, but I longed to fix things between us. Now more than ever.

“You just released grief that you’ve been holding inside for thirty years. Do you understand how big that is?”

I spread my arms out and lifted them over my head. “It’s freeing.”

Robyn smiled. “It is. But it’s also emotionally exhausting. Trust me, you’re going to crash hard tonight.”

“But why can’t we talk before I crash?”

“Because you’ve depleted your emotional capacity.”

“Are you saying our talk is going to be emotional?” I grinned at her.

She frowned, but her eyes still twinkled. “What do you think?”

Earlier, had she told me our conversation was going to be emotional, I would have panicked, but after what just happened, it didn’t scare me. I wanted to share my feelings with her.

“I’m good with an emotional conversation. I’m practically a pro after today.”

She laughed. “Cocky too.”

I smirked. “Tomorrow night, can I take you out? I mean, would you go on a date with me?”

Robyn smiled. “I’d like that.”

“Will you and Millie have dinner with us tonight?”

She hesitated.

“Please.” I held up my hand, which still trembled. “It would be nice to have you near.”

“All right.”