Page 34 of No Such Thing as Serendipity

The next morning, through my bedroom door, I heard the others making breakfast. I was in no mood to socialize, so I’d make my appearance at the last possible moment. Emma had already knocked twice, but I lied and told her I wasn’t ready.

Could I stay in bed all day? Pretend I was sick? Robyn blew us off last night, so why couldn’t I ditch the sharing circle today?

Not only would I have to deal with Robyn, but I’d also have to face Dana. Last night left me unsure which I wanted to avoid more. The memory of my encounter with Dana made me cringe. I didn’t know whether she’d be hurt or angry this morning. If I was betting, I’d say angry.

If only Emma had kept me on a shorter leash.

No. This wasn’t Emma’s fault, I’d gotten myself into this mess.

Last night, I falsely believed Dana would ease the feelings swirling inside me or, at the very least, take the edge off.

I hadn’t meant to toy with her, as she’d accused me of. More like yelled at me as I ran away.

In hindsight, had I set out to use Dana to erase what happened in the woods with Robyn? Not intentionally, but I doubted Dana would see it that way.

All day, I’d struggled to understand what had happened between Robyn and me. It’d stirred unexpected things inside of me. As much as I’d protested, I’d been looking forward to the debriefing session. When Robyn canceled, I’d taken it personally. I still wasn’t certain it wasn’t.

Another knock interrupted my thoughts. Before I could make another excuse, Emma said through the door, “I’m coming in.”

I didn’t have time to protest before the door swung open. Emma slipped inside and shut the door behind her.

“You look ready to me.” Emma stared at me. Her eyes didn’t convey her normal positivity.

“Yeah, I am now.” I stood from my bed and pretended to tie my already tied sneakers.

“Did you have a good time last night?” The edge in Emma’s voice was unmistakable.

I shrugged. “It was okay.”

“You better not let Dana hear you say that.” Emma frowned at me. “Though I think you’re slipping. She’s even more unpleasant than normal this morning.”

“What’s her mood have to do with me?” I figured going on the offensive might put Emma back on her heels.

“Cut the shit, Blake.”

I stood up straighter. It wasn’t like Emma to be so aggressive. “Why are you pissed at me this morning?”

“You couldn’t wait to escape, and Dana is the first thing you do.”

“Not that it’s any of your business…” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Nothing happened.”

“Oh, so it was a coincidence that the two of you disappeared?” Emma’s expression was full of skepticism. “You never saw her, huh?”

“I didn’t say that. I said nothing happened.”

Emma tilted her head. “Just talk to me, Blake.”

“I met her behind the shed. It didn’t feel right, so I left.”

Before Emma spoke, she studied me for some time. “You’re telling the truth, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” I’d told her enough. She didn’t need the details of why.

“Perhaps that explains why she’s slamming things around this morning.”

“I have no idea what she’s doing or why.” Defensiveness rose in me again.

“Then where were you?”

“I took a long walk to clear my head.”

“Still thinking about that dance?” Emma smirked and wriggled her eyebrows.

I stomped over to the dresser and slammed the drawer that hung open. Damn it. Since I liked order, I always closed any drawer I opened. I must have been distracted. This idiotic retreat was causing me to be reckless. Like leaving a drawer open qualified as recklessness.

“I don’t know why you keep going on about that stupid program yesterday.” I refused to use the word dance. It was my small act of rebellion. “Why can’t you just drop it?”

Emma pursed her lips. “Robyn’s already here.”

My heart dropped to my stomach.

“That’s why I was coming to get you,” Emma said. “We’re ready as soon as you get out there.”

“Then why the hell are you standing here giving me the third degree?” I turned toward the door. “Let’s get this over with.”

I’d hoped we’d have our sharing circle outside around the firepit, but as soon as I stepped from my room, I heard voices in the common area. Great, a more intimate setting. Emma almost ran into the back of me since I stopped abruptly.

“What are you doing?” Emma asked.

“Nothing.” I put a bite into my tone. I know it wasn’t fair to take my frustration out on Emma, but the emotions brewing inside me had to come out somehow.

“Well then, they’re waiting.” Emma put her hand on my back and nudged me forward.

When I entered the room, the conversation stopped.

Was everyone staring at me? Probably since that was what happened when someone new entered the room.

I glanced at Annie, Helena, and Katlynn before I looked toward Dana and Robyn, who sat on adjacent chairs.

Had Dana sat next to Robyn on purpose, or was it a coincidence?

Dana’s eyes blazed, and not in a positive way, while Robyn’s expression was guarded. This could be a very long hour.

“Welcome,” Robyn said. “I’m glad you could join us.” She smiled, but her eyes didn’t hold their normal warmth.

What the hell did that mean? Wow. I needed to dial it back, so I gave her a slight nod before I took an empty seat as far away from her as possible.

Once I sat, I realized my mistake. I was across from her.

Emma approached the remaining empty chair off to the right of Robyn.

Had it been less obvious, I would have seized the chair from Emma.

Instead, I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest. Bring it on.

Robyn’s gaze met mine as I stared with defiance. Sadness filled her eyes before she looked away, causing my chest to tighten.

Just get through this. I repeated it to myself several times, hoping it would calm me.

Robyn turned to Dana. “The others asked that we take time today to discuss yesterday’s program, but you weren’t there.”

“You mean the dancing?” I swear Dana looked right at me as she said it.

“Yes,” Robyn answered. “Since you weren’t there, if you’d rather not attend this session, you’re free to leave.”

Hallelujah. At least now I’d only have to contend with Robyn.

“I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” Dana said.

My stomach fell. I had no doubt Dana was here to punish me. I drew my arms tighter against my chest.

“First, I’d like to apologize.” Robyn made eye contact with me and held it. “Especially you, Blake. I behaved unprofessionally, and I’m sorry.”

Dana leaned forward in her chair and rubbed her hands together. “Oh, this could be good. What happened?”

“What happened in the woods stays in the woods.” Emma raised her voice as she spoke.

Helena flinched beside me, so it wasn’t just me who noticed.

“Aw, come on,” Dana said. “I thought we were supposed to be vulnerable and share.” Her tone dripped with sarcasm.

“While the goal is openness, we don’t force participants to talk,” Robyn said in a measured tone. “They’ll share when they’re ready. It’s part of the rules of the sharing circle.”

Dana let out a snort. No way Robyn could have missed it, but she ignored it.

“Again, I apologize, Blake.”

She’d just reduced everything that had happened as a mistake.

Angry thoughts raced through my mind, wanting to escape my mouth.

I felt everyone’s gaze on me, waiting for my response, but I didn’t plan on giving Robyn the satisfaction, especially since her apology negated everything I’d felt.

Damn it. I wasn’t supposed to be feeling anything.

Embarrassment washed over me. I’d spent all day yesterday thinking about Robyn and replaying the dance over in my mind. And I’d reacted horribly to Dana because of it. And here, Robyn hadn’t given it a second thought, other than to determine it was a huge mistake—a professional error in judgment.

I’d thought she’d canceled yesterday because she was wrestling with her own feelings. What a joke. She’d not even thought enough about me to cancel.

I glanced at Emma, who was glaring at me. If she’d been sitting beside me, I knew she’d elbow me and tell me to respond. Robyn continued to look at me, which I expected everyone was doing, while Dana sat next to Robyn with a smirk on her face.

“Anything you want to say, Blake?” Emma finally said.

I shrugged but didn’t speak.

A flash of pain flashed in Robyn’s eyes before she said, “Very well. Shall we talk about how the experience yesterday made the group feel?”

Who was I kidding? It couldn’t have been pain. I sucked at emotion charades. It was relief. She’d made a mistake, and she was off the hook.

The others threw out answers, while all mine stayed in my mind.

Confused. Exhilarated. Confused. Happy. Sad.

Confused. Angry. Hurt. Confused. As my thoughts pinged, the room became warmer, and the walls closed in on me.

I wanted to leave, but it would bring unwanted attention, so I sat and stared at a spot on the wall a few feet from Robyn.

It would appear I was paying attention when I hadn’t heard a word anyone said.

The group had been having a lively discussion for the past half hour, but I’d proudly remained silent, not willing to give Robyn the satisfaction of my participation.

“What about that damned ear bleeding music?” Annie said. “Day-um, that shit was bad.”

“How about you, Blake?” Robyn said. “How did the heavy metal music make you feel?”

After half an hour of my silence, why did Robyn decide to ask me this question? I met her gaze and held it. “Angry.”

“Snap,” Dana said, snapping her fingers. “I don’t believe Blake has recovered from that feeling.” Dana laughed. “Hey, Robyn, maybe you should reconsider the music you choose.”

Robyn didn’t break eye contact with me. “Would you like to elaborate?”

“Nope.” I put an emphasis on the p, making a popping sound as I said it. My eyes blazed, daring Robyn to violate her own code. She advocated for giving us the space to share at the level we were comfortable with. Would she honor it?