Page 111 of No Such Thing as Serendipity

“Will you and Millie have dinner with us tonight?”

She hesitated.

“Please.” I held up my hand, which still trembled. “It would be nice to have you near.”

“All right.”

CHAPTER 31

The villa was eerilyquiet without my villa mates bustling around the kitchen. It was the last day of intensive classes, and I was skipping them. I figured I’d had enough, and Emma agreed. If someone had told me I’d be sobbing like a baby, not just sobbing but doing it with an entire group surrounding and supporting me, I would have told them they’d lost their minds. How had I changed so much in such a short time? I’d always thought retreats were hokey and those who claimed to benefit unstable. My perspective changed. In less than two weeks, thirty years of grief bottled up inside me poured out. I had further to go, but after yesterday, I knew I’d continue that journey.

Last night, Robyn came to dinner and sat with me by the fire afterward. She held my hand the entire time, not caring if anyone else saw. She’d been right. By the time I fell into bed at ten, I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Tomorrow we’d say goodbye to half of the participants who weren’t staying on the additional two weeks. Dana was the onlyone in our villa leaving, and I’d miss her now that we’d made peace.

I had no idea what the next two weeks would bring, but it better include time with Robyn—lots of it. As I lounged around the villa alone today and took a long walk in the woods, Robyn filled my thoughts. I couldn’t recall when I’d been this excited about a date and found it hard to concentrate on anything else.

Even while answering my emails, Robyn wasn’t far from my thoughts. I’d narrowed my choices down to two companies. With Emma’s blessing, I’d dashed off an email to both, agreeing to an interview. Last night, I’d confessed to Emma that I had been communicating with potential employers. While I’d expected her to be angry, she’d just laughed, saying she’d expected it to be much worse.

I recalled last night, sitting around the fire with Robyn’s hand in mine. It had been perfect, except for how the evening ended. With so much intimacy between us, I longed to kiss her. Instead, she gave me a tight hug before she and Millie headed home. Would we kiss tonight? Would we do more? The thought sent a shiver through me.

In an hour, the others would return, so I’d better enjoy the solitude. I went to my dresser and pulled out my journal, the real one, not the imaginary one Emma had ripped up yesterday. Like I always did, I ran my hand over the smooth cover.

It had been my lifeline all these years. Now what?

I got up from the kitchen table and poured myself a glass of iced tea before I moved to the back patio. I set the journal on the small table positioned between the two chairs.

The sun was bright today, or maybe my outlook was different. Not wanting to put on sunglasses, I turned in my chair to avoid getting the full impact of the brightness. I stared at the journal, but I didn’t touch it.

Was it time I let it go? A knot formed in my stomach. It was all I had left of Auntie Bess. No, that wasn’t true. She’d always be a part of me. I carried her in my heart, always.

I tentatively put my fingertips on the book. Did I expect it to burn me? I chuckled to myself. In a way, it had consumed me most of my adult life.

Blaming the journal was easy, but I had painted myself into a corner. Emma was right. Somewhere along the way, I stopped having fun. I’d failed Auntie Bess, who’d been one of the most spontaneous fun people I’d ever known. When she died, our lives became less colorful. I should have taken on her role. Instead, I’d done the opposite.

“Fuck.” I slammed my fist on the journal.

“Whoa, Slugger,” a voice said from behind me.

I jumped. “Damn, Em, you scared the crap out of me.”

“Sorry.” She giggled, so I doubted the sincerity of the apology.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m staying here. Did you forget?” Emma grinned as she slipped into the chair across from me. “It’s gorgeous back here.” She motioned toward the woods in front of us.

I’d been so focused on the journal I hadn’t noticed the beauty, so I took it in now. I needed to do more of this. Commune with nature. Live in the moment. I took a deep breath and let the fresh air fill my lungs. “The air is different here.”

“And—” Emma cupped her hand over her ears. “Do you hear that?”

I narrowed my eyes. All I heard were birds, so I shook my head.

“You don’t? There’s a million birds out there.”

I laughed. “Oh, that. Yeah, I thought I was listening for something else.”

“Birds. That’s it. No traffic. No people. Just birds.”