Page 42 of No Such Thing as Serendipity

My rubbery limbs trembled as Emma and Robyn led me from the stage. Blood pounded in my ears, and voices filled the air. Everyone spoke at once, or at least they seemed to. All my villa mates surrounded me like a security detail as they guided me to a small room backstage.

As soon as I sat on the battered leather couch, my body shook, and tears streamed down my face.

My heart beat so fast I feared it was going to burst through my chest. I tried to calm my breathing, but my nose was plugged.

It sent me into a panic. I gasped for air, trying to escape the claustrophobic feeling of not being able to breathe through my nose.

“It’s all right,” I heard someone say.

Emma? Robyn? I was having trouble discerning.

Someone sat next to me and put their arm around me. “It’s okay, Blake.”

But was it? Thirty years of grief, of bottling up my emotions, threatened to escape. If I could only push it down, but my chest was too full. Air couldn’t even get inside my chest, so there wasn’t room for anything more.

My thoughts were irrational, but how could I make them stop?

“I think she’s hyperventilating,” someone said. I believe it was Annie.

“I’ll go get some water,” someone else said. Katlynn?

Robyn’s face appeared as she kneeled in front of me. “Blake, it’s okay. You’re safe, but I think you’re hyperventilating. Why don’t you lean forward?”

I’d fallen back against the couch, and my butt slid into the well-worn indent. My feet weren’t touching the floor. I was trapped. Panic rose as I kicked out my feet, trying to lean forward like Robyn asked.

“Whoa, take it easy.” Annie put a firm hand on my shoulder. “Stop kicking or you’re gonna take Robyn out.”

Horrified, I looked at Robyn, who’d fallen off to the side. Had I kicked her? I reached out my hand, and she took it. With Annie’s help, they guided me to the edge of the couch. I put my head between my knees.

As I was leaning forward, I saw Helena with her arms wrapped around Emma. Was she okay?

“Emma!” I didn’t recognize my voice. It came out more of a scream.

“She’s here,” Robyn said.

Emma took a tentative step toward me with Helena by her side.

Katlynn returned with a bottle of water and thrust it toward me.

I flinched and jumped backward.

Annie snagged the bottle and gently, yet with a firm hand, pushed me back toward the front of the couch. “Blake, bend over and breathe. That’s your only job right now.”

“But Emma,” I said as Annie increased the pressure on my back.

“I’m right here.” Emma put her hand on my shoulder. “Do what Annie and Robyn are telling you. Breathe.”

I let myself fall forward. I breathed in and out. It felt like a million hands were on my back and shoulders, comforting me. Someone ran their hand through my hair, and I began to relax. The pain in my chest still made it difficult to breathe, but I was trying.

I didn’t know how long I sat with my head down, focusing on my breath. My hands hung below my knees, and water droplets pelted them. No, not water. I realized they were my tears.

Fuck. I was losing it in front of everyone. Embarrassment coursed through me. I needed to get out of here. I tried to stand, but my shaky legs made it difficult. It was the same feeling I had in my legs the day I took my longest walk. The walk to Auntie Bess’s casket.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Was it Robyn who said it? It must have been because she was in front of me again. She placed her hand against my neck, and her thumb brushed my cheek.

“I need to go,” I croaked.

“Where?” Her compassionate eyes met mine.

I shook my head, and my tears fell harder.

Annie kneeled beside me. “Do you want us to leave?”

“No!” I grabbed Annie’s arm.

“Okay, okay.” Annie patted my knee. “We’ll stay.”

“I don’t understand. First, she tries to escape, then freaks out when Annie offers to leave.” Emma’s voice held almost as much panic as I felt.

Robyn stood and put her arm around Emma’s shoulders. “When people are panicking, emotionally distraught, they don’t always think rationally. It’s normal.”

I felt anything but normal.

As I concentrated on my breathing, the others talked around me. I made out snippets of conversations, but I couldn’t focus long.

After I got my breathing under control and blew my nose more times than I could count, Robyn encouraged me to sit up. As I lifted my chest off my knees, my eyes widened when my gaze landed on Dana.

She gave me a sheepish smile and wiggled her fingers at me in a wave. Where had she come from? Upon realizing she and Robyn were in the same room, my panic rose. My gaze shifted between the two.

“Hey, I can leave.” Dana backed up. “I heard something happened, and I came to check on you.”

“It’s not you.” Robyn moved toward Dana and put her hand on Dana’s arm. “She’s struggling.”

Seeing them together, seemingly okay with each other, I shook my head. “Please, stay.”

Relief washed over Dana’s face.

My insides quivered as I sat upright. Robyn had returned to the couch with the bottle of water Katlynn had offered me earlier. “Why don’t you take a drink?”

I took the bottle from Robyn, and my hand shook as I brought it to my lips. I wondered if the others noticed.

Robyn sat on the couch beside me and put her hand on my leg. “Just take small sips.”

The cool water was refreshing, but I took Robyn’s advice, even though I wanted to chug it. After several swallows, I handed the bottle to Robyn and leaned back against the couch.

The others stood, towering over me, and my gaze ricocheted from one face to another.

Robyn must have seen the panic building in my eyes because she said, “Blake’s doing better. Why doesn’t everyone have a seat, so we can all relax a bit?”

Emma dropped onto the couch across the low table from me, and everyone else scrambled for a seat. I took Robyn’s hand, indicating I’d like her to sit next to me.

Something in her touch, having her so close, caused the waterworks to start again.

Damn it. Hadn’t I cried enough? I swiped at my tears, which only made them flow harder.

Annie slipped onto the sofa on the other side of me. “I know a few things about grief, Blake. Don’t hold it back. The more you let it out, the better.”

I gazed into her tear-filled eyes, and the dam burst.

The panic from earlier was gone. Now all I felt was intense pain. Robyn and Annie flanked me, offering comfort. As I sobbed, I picked up a smattering of the conversation as Emma explained to the others what had happened on stage.

Auntie Bess’s story was seared into my mind, so I didn’t need to hear all of Emma’s words.

Auntie Bess wasn’t our aunt, nor was her name Bess.

Our mom met Auntie Bess in their freshman year at college.

They had a hard-ass philosophy instructor, and half the class was failing.

Several students formed a study group. The first session when they’d gone around the circle introducing themselves, Mom thought she’d said Bess.

It had taken two months before Mom discovered her name was Beth, but by then, the name had stuck, and they’d become best friends.

They remained best friends. Auntie Bess had been the maid of honor at my parents’ wedding and been at Mom’s bedside for Emma's and my birth. When our dad ran off with his secretary, Auntie Bess was there to help. She moved in with us a few months later, and since there wasn’t a spare room, she shared Mom’s bedroom.

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized what it meant.

Then, when I was thirteen, Auntie Bess got lung cancer. She died less than a year after being diagnosed. Our mom and our family were never the same.

I was uncertain how long I lay with my head on Robyn’s shoulder and my eyes closed, while I listened to everyone talking.

Eventually, my tears slowed, and my chest didn’t hurt as much.

I felt wrung out, but I couldn’t lie here forever, so I sat up.

Robyn smiled at me and patted my leg. I returned her smile before I glanced around the room.

Emma sat on the couch across from me. She was pale, and her eyes were haunted. I wondered if I looked as bad as she did.

“Come here,” I said to her.

Emma scanned the room, as if trying to determine who I was talking to, figuring it couldn’t be her.

“I’m talking to you, Em.” I held out my hand. “Come sit with me.”

Robyn leaped up from beside me and went to Emma.

She held out her hand, and Emma took it.

Robyn must have been as worried as me about whether Emma’s legs would hold her.

Emma tottered to the couch and sat next to me, while Robyn took Emma’s seat.

Emma cowered against the couch’s arm, staying as far from me as possible.

“Get over here.” I opened my arms.

Tentatively, Emma slid toward me. As soon as she was within reach, I grabbed her and pulled her against me.

“I love you, Emma. More than anything in the world. I’m sorry I made you feel so bad all this time.”

“No! I never intended for it to come out this way. I’m sorry.” Tears welled in Emma’s eyes. As bloodshot as they were, I doubted she had many more to shed.

“No apology needed.”

“I didn’t want this to happen.” She turned in my arms and met my gaze. “Is it selfish that I just wanted my sister back?”

I shook my head. “I want me back, too. If it takes what happened to get there, then it’s worth it.” I glanced at Robyn. “Thanks for giving us this opportunity.”

“I regret letting it go on.” Robyn’s guilt was palpable. “Several times I moved to stop it, but then I sensed a breakthrough, so I didn’t interfere. I should have.”

“We can agree to disagree,” I said to her. “I know myself, so does Em.” I squeezed Emma tighter. “I’m hardheaded. I don’t break easily, so she had to drive me to my knees, or I would’ve just deflected and moved on.”

“But did I break you too much?” Emma asked.

“I’m gonna have one hell of a vulnerability hangover.”

Everyone laughed.