Page 9

CHAPTER EIGHT

ROWAN

“ I t’s a match.”

I stare down at Hadley’s phone sitting on the counter, half expecting it to burst into flames. My heart crawls into my throat, the silence stretching between us as I hear the sound of blood rushing through my veins. The simple sentence Cole just spoke feels like concrete layering on my chest.

“Rowan . . .”

My eyes immediately flash to Hadley’s. The walls feel like they’re beginning to close in on me, my chest constricting as my mouth goes dry. “I—” I start, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth as if it’s made of cotton. Pushing my palms against the edge of the counter, the feet of my chair scrape against the floor as I get up in a rush. “I’ll be right back. I just need a minute.”

Her throat bobs as she swallows roughly, her eyes bouncing back and forth between mine. “Okay.”

Her friend’s voice comes through the phone speaker, but I don’t hear a single word he says as I spin on my heel and make a beeline directly for the back door. My feet don’t stop moving until I’m standing on the edge of my deck, staring out into the darkness of the night. The cool air around me burns my lungs as I inhale deeply, attempting to get my breathing under control before I spiral into a full-on anxiety attack.

My knees half buckle as I begin to bend, my senses kicking into overdrive as I drop down onto my bottom. Leaning my forearms against the sides of my knees, I drop my face into my hands, squeezing my eyes shut as I attempt to fight off the panic welling inside.

Everything is going to be okay. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself for the past couple days. Being a father isn’t the end of the world.

Or is it?

Fuck . . .

I don’t know how to be a dad. I don’t know how to take care of a baby, or even another fucking person, for that matter. Hell, sometimes I don’t know how I’m even capable of taking care of myself. Lucy is going to grow up in a house with one parent, a father who is gone for days at a time sometimes because of work.

She doesn’t deserve this. This isn’t the life she should have.

She deserves a loving family with parents who are there for her, parents who are there to raise her instead of having a demanding job that takes up so much of their time. Selena thought she was doing a good job by handing Lucy over to me, but I think she fucked up.

“Rowan.” Hadley’s voice is soft and warm, the tender sound moving against my eardrums as she enters my space. “Are you okay?”

I let out a breath, not bothering to lift my head as I cradle it in my hands. “I don’t think I can do this.”

She’s quiet for a beat, the silence encapsulating the two of us. Time stretches and I slowly lift my head, not sure if she’s still sitting there. I find her next to me, staring out at the backyard. I study the side profile of her face, my eyes traveling along her jaw and up over her high cheekbones, connecting the freckles that cover the bridge of her straight nose like constellations.

Hadley turns her head to look at me, her bright eyes free of any judgement. “You don’t have to, Rowan.” She blinks, her expression softening. “There are always other options.”

I stare back at her, completely caught off guard by her response. There’s zero judgment from her, only support and solutions. She doesn’t look at me as if I’m some monster for being completely honest with her in this moment. Hues of brown and green swirl in her irises under the moonlight and I watch the way they melt together.

“I don’t know if I can do that either.”

The thought of handing my daughter over to someone else also makes me extremely uncomfortable. My daughter. I didn’t know she existed until a couple days ago and while this has all been a mindfuck of epic proportions, I’m struggling to evaluate the situation from a neutral standpoint. I’m letting my emotions get too involved and that isn’t going to be helpful for anyone .

“What can I do to help you? How can we navigate this to figure out what is going to be the best option for you, but also the best option for Lucy?”

My eyes slowly search hers as if I’m looking for the answers to all my problems. “I like facts. I like logic. I like concrete evidence that can help me see clearly.”

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth as if she’s chewing on my words. She bobs her head, her eyes never leaving me. “Should we make a list of pros and cons?”

“No,” I tell her, shaking my head. “I think that will end up dragging emotions into this, and that’s something I can’t do right now. I need it to just be clear-cut.”

“Nothing about this is black and white, Rowan,” she says softly, her voice a gentle caress. “It can be a gray area.”

I shake my head again. “No. I need this to be black and white.”

“Okay...” She pauses, her gaze abandoning me as she laces her fingers together, staring down at her hands. She lets out a breath before looking back at me. “Let’s just talk this all through then. No emotions, just facts.”

Okay,” I agree, sucking in a deep breath to collect myself as I dip my chin. “The facts. I’m her biological father. I have money, I have a career that pays well, I have a home, I have all of the means to provide for a child.”

She tilts her head to the side, her forehead creasing slightly. “Yes, you do.”

“I also have a demanding career that takes up a large chunk of my time. I have a strict schedule that I have to be able to follow, and this isn’t something I will be able to do myself. I need some kind of help and I’m not sure where that would come from.”

“There is always help available, Rowan.”

I’m silent for a moment. “If I don’t keep her, what are the options?”

“Adoption,” she says matter-of-factly. Again, there’s no judgement in her expression, but there’s something unreadable that I can’t quite put my finger on.

“Will it fuck her up even more when she finds out both of her parents gave her up?”

Her throat bobs. “I don’t know.”

The question lingers on my tongue and as much as I don’t want to ask it, I know I have to. It’s my fear, the biggest hang-up I have right now.

“What if I fuck her up?”

Her eyebrows tug together, a frown pulling her lips downward as she studies me for a beat. “You’re not going to do that,” she assures me, scooting closer to me. Her arm brushes against me, soft and warm as she turns her head to look at me.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because you’re a good person, Rowan. You might not think you can handle this, but I know you can. You’re the type of person to help without anyone asking. You’d give the shirt off your back to someone else in need.” She stops, her eyes staring directly through me. “You are good and that’s exactly why I’m so sure.”

Her words sink into my soul as I momentarily lose myself in those hazel eyes. “I don’t know how to do any of this.”

A soft laugh escapes her and she leans her head against the side of my arm. “Most people don’t,” she informs me before letting out a soft breath. “Babies don’t come with instructions. You’re going to fuck up, but you’re not going to fuck her up.” She lifts her head and I immediately feel the absence of her warmth against my bicep. “We will figure this all out together.”

My forehead creases. “We?”

The softest smile lifts her lips. “Did you think I was going to leave you to navigate all this by yourself?”

“I don’t know,” I admit, my shoulders rising and falling. “I don’t expect you to stay and help me.”

Her face momentarily falls, a frown once again taking shape on her mouth, and I want to swipe it away. I want to replace it with that gentle smile again. “Let me help you, Rowan.” She rolls her lips between her teeth, wetting them with her tongue. “I have a few more days left for this travel assignment and then I have a three-month break before I’m supposed to go to California for my next contract.”

My heart skips a beat in my chest. “I can’t ask you to do that, Hadley.” I can’t ask her to spend her three months off work with me and a baby. She has her own life to live, instead of staying and playing happy family with me.

“Lucky for you, you’re not asking me,” she says as that smile reappears once again. “I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my time off since my lease is up at the end of the month, so this is perfect. It gives me something to do and I want to help.”

I think over the timeline and honestly, it’s perfect. Depending on playoffs, there’s a little under three months left in the season, so the timing is perfect. If she stays and helps me get adjusted, by the time she has to leave, I’ll have a few months off that I can dedicate just to Lucy.

I’ll have time to figure out what the hell comes next.

“Are you sure?”

She slowly moves her head up and down, a wistful look dancing in her eyes. “I’ve never been more sure.”

I pause as we step back into the living room, glancing around the space as Lucy begins to stir in the bassinet. According to Hadley, it’s time for her to eat again soon. A baby’s schedule is absolutely insane. Now it makes sense why Nash looks so damn tired whenever he comes crawling into our morning skates.

“I think we need some things.”

Hadley glances up at me as she lifts Lucy from the bassinet. She elevates her eyebrows, her mouth twitching. “I think you might be right.”

“Do you have any idea where to start?”

A smile blooms across her lips. “Make her a bottle while I change her diaper?”

I grin. “Deal.” The anxiety from earlier dissipates as I slip into the kitchen to get a bottle ready.

In a time like this, support is exactly what I need. A baby was never part of my plan, but life hasn’t given me much of a choice now. I know what I have to do and that’s exactly what is going to happen. It’s up to me to make sure this little girl has the best possible life and I’m willing to take on that responsibility.

Hadley is settling back onto the couch with her as I walk back in, bottle in hand. As I sit down on the couch beside her, her eyes meet mine and she begins to move Lucy to me. My heart crawls into my throat and a pang of anxiety strikes my chest, but I shove it away as I hold my little girl. I get her situated in my arms, popping the bottle into her mouth as Hadley pulls out her phone.

“We can order stuff from Target and pick it up in the morning, unless you want to go shopping in person?”

I raise my eyebrows, feeling the warmth of her against my side, along with Lucy against my chest. “Is it that easy?”

“Well, yeah,” she says with a soft laugh, her eyes lighting up. She reaches over to the other side of the couch, grabbing a blanket before tucking it around herself as she eases her legs beneath her body. “It’s not like we have to go buy the materials and construct it ourselves.”

“Ha ha,” I snort, rolling my eyes at her. “You’re quite the comedian, aren’t you?”

“Finally, you’ve noticed.” She laughs softly as she opens up the web browser on her phone. I pull out my own and begin scrolling to look at baby stuff. Hadley starts listing off the things I need to get, noting that we need one of those little bathtubs because washing her with a bowl of water and washcloth isn’t going to cut it anymore.

Hadley peers over my shoulder. “What all do you have in your cart so far?” She looks at my phone and back at me, her face scrunching up. “Rowan. Why are you looking at baby sneakers?”

“She’s going to need cool shoes. I can get her a pair to match me.”

She lets out a laugh, shaking her head at me. “Yeah, maybe when she’s walking. Right now, socks will suffice.” She snorts, shaking her head at me. “You have a lot to learn, my friend.”

“You’re going to teach me, though, right?”

Amusement dances in her eyes and she cocks her head to the side as she lifts her eyebrows. “I’ll teach you a thing or two.”

The thought sends an electrical current straight to my cock. I adjust myself on the couch in an attempt to hide the effect she’s having on me with those words.

Hadley Reed is drop-dead fucking gorgeous and that’s a fact that no one else could ever deny.

She directs her attention back to her phone, scrolling through baby things as she fills up the cart. Twenty-seven items later, we’ve checked out, the baby is sleeping, and Hadley’s insisting we watch a movie about aliens. We settle back on the couch, her fingers brushing against my skin as she takes the remote from me. I watch her, curled up in her blanket with excitement in her expression, as she finds the movie she was talking about .

She turns back to me, her soft hazel eyes meeting mine. “Ready?”

I think she’s going to teach me more than a thing or two ...

“Ready when you are.”

It’s in the middle of the night when Lucy wakes up again. Soft sounds come from the bassinet beside the couch and it shakes from her movement as she begins to shift on the tiny mattress. I slowly sit up, glancing at Hadley who’s softly snoring on the other side of the couch.

Neither of us planned on falling asleep on the couch, but after we settled down for a movie, it wasn’t long before both of us were sleeping. I’m not sure who went down faster, but seeing her now and the fact that she’s dead to the world, I can’t wake her up.

She’s exhausted and she’s been doing so much to help me already. Nervousness rolls in my stomach as I look at the bassinet again, hearing Lucy making louder sounds that border on the edge of a cry.

I swallow back my anxiety, knowing I have to do this. I have to do this for myself and for Lucy. Not knowing she was alive until a few days ago has been a complete mindfuck. The idea of settling down always gave me hives and relationships were always off the table. Kids were definitely never part of my plan, yet here I am now...a single dad to a little girl that I didn’t even know existed .

Rising from the couch, careful not to disturb Hadley, I cover the short distance to the bassinet. My palms feel sweaty as I stare down at Lucy for a moment, careful as I begin to pick her up. The last thing I want to do is anything wrong, and I can’t help but feel like I’m going to break her.

She’s so small and feels so fragile, yet as I lift her into my arms, I can’t help but feel a calming sense of comfort washing over me. I hold her close to my chest, my hand finding her diaper as I remember that was one of the steps Hadley said.

“Always check to see if she needs to be changed or needs a bottle. Those are the two most important things with a baby and are usually the cause of their distress.”

Holding Lucy, I walk her over to the small changing area we have set up and do my best job at trying to change her diaper. It’s late in the middle of the night and my memory feels fuzzy, but I try to follow everything that Hadley showed me earlier.

Lucy seems content with how I do it and she shoves her hand into her mouth as I lift her back into my arms. I changed her diaper and now it’s time for a bottle. Glancing back at the couch, a soft smile lifts my lips as I see Hadley still sleeping peacefully.

I take Lucy into the kitchen and stand along the counter, holding her in one arm as I try to make a bottle with the other. It’s a challenge but I hold her close to me, careful not to hurt her. I have one job now and it’s making sure this little girl is always safe.

I’m all she has, so I need to make sure I’m the best thing for her .

After fixing the bottle, I carry Lucy and the bottle back into the living room and settle down on the couch with her tucked against me. Her mouth opens immediately as I bring the nipple of the bottle to her lips, and I watch in amazement as she starts to drink the formula.

I think the shock is starting to wear off and I’m accepting of what this is. This is my future now—Lucy is my future and my main concern. She’s counting on me to give her the best life I possibly can.

“You’re amazing,” I murmur, my eyes scanning her face. I can’t believe I helped to make her. She’s a product of me, carrying my DNA. The thought alone is mind-blowing.

Lucy’s eyes blink as she stares up at my face in wonderment. My heart feels like it grows three sizes inside my chest as a warm feeling of contentment encapsulates me. I’m equal parts terrified while also excited to see what the future has in store for both of us.

It doesn’t take her long to finish her bottle and I throw the burp cloth over my shoulder, positioning her with her chest against my collarbone as I begin to tap on her back. She lets out a few hearty belches that have me chuckling to myself before I move her back into my arms.

I get her settled back against me, tucked into the crook of my elbow as I stare back down at her again. She fits perfectly in my arm and I lift my free hand to gently stroke the sides of her face.

“I’m sorry I didn’t know about you sooner,” I murmur, my voice barely audible, but she stares up at me like she knows what I’m saying. “If I would have, I’d have been there the moment you were born.”

Lucy’s lips part and she lets out the softest sound, almost like a coo. I’m not sure it’s intentional, but I’ll let myself be delusional for a little bit.

“I promise to do right by you,” I murmur, my finger trailing over her nose before I bring my hand down to give her body more support. “I promise I will protect you and take care of you until I leave this world.”

The promise feels so definitive, but I feel it deep inside my soul. Lucy deserves everything in the world and I plan to deliver on that. I’ll rope the moon and wrangle the stars if that’s what she needs.

A smile spreads across her lips, her chubby cheeks lifting as her eyes begin to roll back, her eyelids falling shut. I leave her in my arms for a little while longer, soaking up the quietness of the moment with her in my arms.

My little girl.

The one who is now my whole world...