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CHAPTER FOUR

ROWAN

“ W hat do we do now?”

Hadley looks my way, her eyes meeting my stare in an instant. “I’m not sure. I’m around babies all the time, but this is the first time I’ve ever brought one home.”

Home.

How fucking weird. This used to be my home and mine alone...how quickly that has changed.

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I glance at the time, realizing we’re now approaching three o’clock in the morning. I have to be up in a few short hours for our morning skate since we have a game tomorrow night. Well, I guess technically it’s tonight now, considering we’re in the early hours of the next day.

“We’re supposed to take her out of the car seat, right?”

“That would be a good start.” Hadley stifles a laugh, biting back a grin as she tips her chin at me. “Why don’t you go get the bassinet and things from the car and I’ll get her out and changed? Maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll stay asleep, or at least go right back to sleep and then we can try and get some rest.”

I stare at her for a moment, anxiety washing over me as it mixes with a million other feelings I can’t possibly begin to dissect. The words tumble from my lips before I get a chance to even think about them. “You’re not going home, are you?”

“No, Rowan,” she says, shaking her head as she lifts Lucy from the car seat. Her soft hazel eyes meet mine and she pushes a stray hair away from her face. “I’m not going to just throw you to the wolves.”

My lips crinkle as she uses the same phrase I used earlier. Nodding at her, I leave her in the living room with the baby as I head out into the garage. As soon as I step away from them, my mind is on a rampage, moving a million miles a second. I’m still in a state of disbelief, almost as if this can’t possibly be my life.

I don’t want kids. I’ve never wanted kids. When I fucked Selena, it obviously wasn’t with the intention of getting her pregnant. Hell, I never even got her number, so clearly it was never supposed to go past that night.

But then again, I feel like a fucking asshole. I can’t imagine what she must have been going through the last ten months. She clearly has her own issues and it’s most likely best if she doesn’t have to be responsible for a child, but what the fuck?

I have an entire fucking hockey career. There are weeks at a time when I’m not even here.

What the hell am I going to do with an infant that needs me ?

Grabbing the bassinet, I leave it just inside the house before moving back to the trunk. Nova gave me some essential things to use for now, but not the necessities we need like formula and diapers. I don’t even know what the hell else a baby needs, so I’m going to have to figure all of that out too.

Honestly, I’m not mad at Hadley. How could I possibly be angry with someone like her? Hadley is a gentle soul and she’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. There isn’t a single mean bone in her body. I’ve always admired her strength and her ability to find the good in the bad.

However, on the other hand, I wouldn’t be in this situation if she wouldn’t have told me about the baby. It’s conflicting, almost too conflicting for my brain to sift through the bullshit.

I don’t want a baby, but I don’t like the thought of my daughter growing up with a different family either. I’m not comfortable with the thought of someone else raising her. Who’s to know what kind of house she would end up living in? What kind of life would she have? Would she be fucked up just from the knowledge of her parents not wanting her?

I head back into the house, grabbing the bassinet as I head into the living room. It’s some kind of a portable one that Nova said to use temporarily, but I will have to get her a crib at some point. I’m going to have to turn one of my guest rooms into a whole-ass nursery.

My head fucking hurts.

Hadley slowly lowers her into the bassinet after I have it set up and she moves over to the diaper bag, pulling various things from inside. Things that I don’t even know what their purpose is. I’m standing close enough to smell the faint hint of her—vanilla and berries.

“I’m going to make a list of necessities and things we need to get,” she explains as she stacks two cans of formula on the coffee table. “Everything her mom left should get us through the next day or two.” Hadley stands upright, glancing at me as her eyes scan my face. “Why don’t you go get some rest? I’ve got her for the night.”

“I don’t know if I can sleep right now,” I admit, my voice barely audible as I’m cemented in place. “I just—” I pause, letting out a deep breath, realizing I’m standing closer to Hadley than I thought, staring into the depths of her eyes. There’s almost a halo of gold around her pupils. “Are you okay with her if I go for a run?”

“Of course,” she tells me softly, a tender smile on her lips. My mind memorizes the freckles spread across the bridge of her nose, dispersing across the tops of her cheeks. “I’m here for whatever you need, Rowan. Anything you need.”

Relief floods me, although it doesn’t come close to washing away the anxiety inside of me. My gaze travels down her body, taking in the appearance of her blue scrubs. Her car is still at the hospital and she doesn’t have a single thing with her, yet she plans on staying here tonight anyway.

“I’ll be right back,” I tell her, not offering another explanation as I disappear from the living room, leaving her confused. I head up to the second floor and into my room before rifling through my drawers. I find her a pair of sweatpants and grab a t-shirt from my closet before stopping in the bathroom for a spare toothbrush and toothpaste.

Hadley’s moving the other things we got from Nova into the living room when I walk back into the room. “What’s all that?” she questions me as I set the small pile of clothing and stuff on the couch.

“I figured you might want to change out of your scrubs,” I tell her, watching as she walks over to grab them. “There’s a toothbrush too.”

“Thanks, Rowan.” She dips her head, reaching out to grab my forearm and give me a gentle squeeze. Her palm is soft and warm against my flesh, sending a spark of electricity up my arm. “Go clear your head so you can get some rest. I’m off tomorrow, so we can figure things out whenever you have time.”

Her hand lingers and as soon as she lifts it away, I want her to put it back.

The muscle in my jaw tightens, my chest constricting as I attempt to suck in a breath. “Okay.”

My sneakers pound on the concrete as I inhale through my nose, exhaling through my mouth. My brain feels a little quieter than it did when I started and I’ve been running for a solid twenty minutes now, essentially just doing laps around the neighborhood.

As much as I wanted to head out into my shed and take a few hits of that joint Carson gave me last week, this seemed like the healthier alternative. It would have taken the edge off, but what if it would have made me even worse anxiety-wise, considering the fact that there’s a damn baby under my care now.

I need Hadley to talk to her friend about this paternity test. There are too many things hanging in the balance right now. If Lucy isn’t my daughter, I honestly don’t know if I am going to want Hadley to drop her off somewhere else. Mentally, that thought is harder to stomach than the thought of raising her—even if I have no idea how the fuck I’m going to do this.

There’s an overwhelming amount of guilt hanging over me at the thought of willingly handing her over to be thrown into the foster system. We’ve all heard of those horror stories...

I’m finishing up my last lap, heading back to my house, when I start to slow down. My heart pounds quickly in my chest, my lungs screaming for oxygen as I jog for a bit. At this hour, this was probably dumb as fuck to do. I’m pushing my body when I should be resting it, especially before our game.

Coach Landry and Coach Watson are both going to be pissed if I don’t perform well.

It’s a good five minutes of cooling down before I’m stepping back onto my own property. The light is still on in the living room, along with the one shining on the porch. Hadley may have been the one to spring all of this on me, but at the end of the day, this isn’t her fault. She’s not the one who made a mistake and potentially got some random girl pregnant .

I have to be held accountable for what I potentially did.

Hadley and I have known each other for many years, but we were never close growing up. We didn’t hang out with the same people due to our age difference. When Hadley was entering high school, I was on my way out. After that, the amount of times we ran into each other was few and far between.

Whatever this is between us is peculiar and she certainly doesn’t owe me a single fucking thing...yet she didn’t leave me alone to deal with this by myself.

She stayed.

I’m quiet as I let myself back into the house, entering through the garage and kicking my sneakers off by the back door. Running cleared my head enough to realize none of this can be dealt with tonight. Hadley’s right. We both need to get some rest, especially because of the demanding day I have after I wake up.

The house is so silent, a part of me is worried as I make my way into the living room. I thought maybe Hadley would have turned the TV on or something, but as I walk into the room, it’s just as silent as the rest of the house.

Panic erupts inside and I wonder if I spoke too soon. What if she decided not to stay? What if she took Lucy back to the hospital?

Every anxious thought dissipates as I step over to the couch, a gentle smile lifting my lips as I’m flooded with relief. Hadley’s curled up on the couch, wearing my t-shirt and sweatpants, her lips parted slightly as she softly breathes. Her hand rests against the bassinet where Lucy’s peacefully sleeping. Hadley’s eyelashes rest against the tops of her cheekbones and I allow myself a private moment to drink her in.

Hadley Reed is drop-dead gorgeous. She’s the type that turns heads every time she walks into the room, but not just because of her looks or her body. There’s an air about her that demands everyone’s attention.

It was impossible to not notice her when we were growing up, but that’s all it ever was. A passing glance or a lingering stare. Settling down was never in the cards for me, and Hadley isn’t the type of person you spend a fleeting moment with.

No , she’s much more than a moment.

Grabbing a blanket from the other side of the couch, I drag it over Hadley’s body, covering her up before walking over to my recliner. Exhaustion settles in my bones and as badly as I need to shower and change my clothes, I just don’t have the energy. Resting my head against the back of the chair, I turn it to the side, my gaze landing on Hadley and the baby.

My eyelids grow heavier with every blink until slumber sweeps me into its depths with wandering thoughts of the two of them floating around in my dreams.