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CHAPTER SIX

ROWAN

E verything in my field of vision is completely out of focus as I stare straight ahead, my gaze trained on absolutely nothing. I can hear the sounds of the voices around me, but I’m not focused on a single word being spoken. I can’t let myself shift out of the safe space I’ve constructed inside my head.

If I drift back into reality, it will completely pull me out of the game and I can’t have that happen. Not now, not when my team needs me.

The moment I walked into the building, I knew I was going to have to push thoughts of Hadley and Lucy from my brain. There’s too much that’s unknown in my life right now and there’s no room for any of that on the ice. I have one job, one thing I need to focus on.

The least I can do is dedicate all my time and attention to my job and worry about the realities of life afterward.

We’re in the second intermission. One period left. We’re winning, but I won’t dare to speak that out loud. The second anyone talks about our lead is the second we end up giving up a goal. It has a way of adding an additional layer of pressure I don’t need.

“You ready, bud?” Carson asks as he walks over and taps me on the shoulder. I glance up at him, inhaling deeply as I roll my tongue over my teeth.

“Fuck yeah, let’s do it.”

I rise on my skates, glancing around the room as the rest of the guys are getting ready to get their gloves on before we head down the tunnel. I catch Lincoln’s gaze from across the room. He lifts an eyebrow at me, silently asking me if I’m good.

I don’t need the reminder that no, I am in fact not good right now.

Inhaling, my nose scrunches and I slide my hand into my glove and the other in my blocker as I give him a firm nod. The guys begin to line up and we all make our way down the tunnel, each of us grabbing our sticks before hitting the ice.

A few of the guys skate around our zone while the rest either head onto the bench or gather around the front of it. I immediately make my way over to the net, knowing exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Being a goalie is a weird position in a way. You’re playing a team sport and you are a part of the team, but it is a position that is its own singular entity. I’m not required to skate up and down the ice, playing offensively and defensively depending on the play. I have one position, one fucking job.

That doesn’t take away from the work of the defensemen. They are there as the first line. They help to protect and guard the net. There’s value in having a solid defensive player, but a goalie is that final line of defense. I am the one who is solely responsible for any pucks slipping into the net.

At the end of the day, if I let too many goals get past me, I am the one who is to blame for that loss.

Playing goalie comes with an insane amount of pressure and there are some days where it can be crippling. I’ve questioned this position many times as a child and just as many times in my professional career. I mean, let’s be real, having frozen pucks coming at you at one hundred miles per hour is insane. The adrenaline rush of making a crazy save is unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

It’s a nice distraction when your life off the ice is up in fucking flames.

Setting my stick on top of the net, I dig my edges into the ice, scratching the surface around the crease. It helps to build a little bit of snow that can potentially slow pucks and it also helps to add a little more grip to the surface for me.

As I finish, the period is about to begin. I grab my stick and get into position, my gaze zeroed in on the center of the ice as everyone gets into their positions. All four wingers are lined up; the defensive pairs are where they’re supposed to be and both centers are ready.

My heart pounds in my chest, my nostrils flaring, and I take a deep, steadying breath as time is suspended in the air. The ref holds his hand out and less than a second later, he drops the puck onto the ice .

Caleb wins the face-off, sliding it across the ice to Nash. I watch as play commences and they take off down into our offensive zone. The moment that happens, the pressure lifts, but I make sure to hold on to it, just enough to keep me on my toes.

In a game like this, you should never get too comfortable. When you’re comfortable, you become complacent, and that’s exactly when and where mistakes happen.

I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but I try to limit them. There’s no room for fuckups in a position or a career like this.

Or anywhere in my life, really.

“Taylor, you’re quiet,” Caleb says to me, addressing me directly as he walks over to me after the game. Most of the locker room has cleared out already except for the usual suspects. Carson and I are typically the last ones out, with Caleb always hanging around to make sure everyone’s good.

He takes his position as captain to heart.

I glance up at him, not sure what the fuck to say. These guys are all my fucking family, each one like a brother to me. Hell, I spend more time with them than I do with anyone I’m biologically related to.

When my brother and I were growing up, we had that brotherly relationship. Beau looked up to me and followed me around like I was his role model. When he hit his teenage years, everything quickly went to shit. It was like a switch flipped and as soon as he started to have his own issues, he had a chip on his shoulder toward Raven and me.

Raven and I were fortunate enough to not have the mental illness and addiction struggles he had and he felt like he was the outcast of the family. Because we were on the right path in life, Beau took it out on both of us, throwing vicious words at us and even getting physical with me on an occasion or two when I stood up to him and refused to take his bullshit.

He took advantage of our parents and even went to the extremes of stealing money from them and running away as a teen when he was underage. Even still, my mother refused to accept that there was no possibility of helping Beau. She continued to bend for him, until one day, she finally grew a backbone and that’s when I saw how much his issues had been weighing on her.

It broke her to have to tell her youngest child that she wasn’t going to help him. She wasn’t going to extend a hand anymore if he was going to continue to bite. She refused to give him money and told him he had to get his life together and to figure it out himself.

That was after he broke up with Hadley and hopped on a plane to Boston.

He ended up in a pinch with the woman he was staying with and lived on the streets for a few months before he finally saw the light. He’s been in an extended rehab facility for the past six months and it’s breathed a newfound sense of hope back into my mother.

My father is still reluctant to trust him, but he always stands by our mother, even if her hopes seem far-fetched. She’s been insanely proud of the progress Beau has made. It seems as though he’s turned to a new page and is getting his life in order.

She thinks I need to make peace with him, though I’m not so sure I can ever bring myself to do that.

Lincoln glances at me from across the room as he and Nash are getting ready to head out. Since Riley had her baby, Nash doesn’t hang around late like he used to, but for some reason he’s still here tonight. Most likely because Lincoln is dragging his feet.

He’s waiting to see what I’m going to say, to see if I’m going to be honest and tell everyone what the fuck is going on.

I don’t know what to do. I want to tell them the truth. I don’t want to sit with the weight of this secret myself, but then again, I need to know the truth before I come clean about this.

A sigh escapes me and I know I have to wait. “Just a long day,” I tell him, forcing a smile onto my face. It barely resembles a smile and my lips fall flatter than I anticipated. I catch Lincoln’s eye and he gives me a look of understanding.

Caleb doesn’t seem to be convinced and he gives me a look of concern, but he doesn’t press the issue. He knows his limitations and even though he’s the older brother figure for all of us, he is never one to poke or prod.

Caleb Ford has a slew of his own problems and issues and the last thing he’s going to do is make anyone else feel uncomfortable. Hell, he was reserved before he lost his wife and after that tragedy, he pulled back even more.

The man is like a paradox and I’m not quite sure he’ll fully open up to anyone else again in his life.

Carson looks at me, his eyebrows pulling together as he tilts his head to the side. He’s my best friend and unfortunately, he’s nothing like his brother. Caleb won’t press but Carson will dig until he gets the information he’s after.

He hangs out until everyone else clears out, Caleb giving both of us a wave before he exits the room. Carson waits for me, just like he does every night after a game. I meet him by the door and we head down the hall, making our way toward the exit.

“What’s actually going on, Ro?” Carson gives me a look of concern as the glass doors slide open and we both step into the parking lot. “My brother might be cool with being fed bullshit, but I’m not.”

I knew this was coming. Carson Ford is a force to be reckoned with. I’ve known him since we were sixteen and it’s a quality I’ve always admired in him...until this moment.

Then again, he is my best friend and I need someone to talk to. I don’t want to bother Lincoln with my problems any more than I already have. I appreciate every way he and Nova have helped me thus far, but Lincoln has her and their family.

“Rowan.” Carson’s voice interrupts my thoughts as we reach my car first. My head slowly turns to look at him, his gray eyes meeting mine. “What’s going on, bro? ”

My lungs deflate, and my shoulders fall as I let out a deep breath, feeling the heaviness of the situation stacking like bricks on my chest. “You remember your cousin’s thirtieth birthday party when I ended up fucking that girl in the closet? Selena...Her older brother was one of his friends or something.”

“Oh yeah, I think I remember her.”

I pause for a moment, staring at him as I attempt to sift through my muddled brain. How the hell do I even begin to explain any of this without sounding like I’m starring in my own reality TV show?

“Do you remember Hadley from the hospital?”

Carson’s eyebrows pull together. “Hadley? Wait, she’s the nurse who was working there when Riley had Theo, right? The one you said you knew from your hometown?” His brow furrows as I give him a curt nod. “What does she have to do with that night?

Goddammit. I should just save myself and climb in my car and head home.

“She found a baby outside of the hospital and it turns out, I may be her father.”

Carson doesn’t say a word. He stares at me, his expression completely blank as if his mind is struggling to try to catch up with the information I just threw at him. “What?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, explain to me why you think this baby is yours.”

“There was some documentation with her and a note. We’re waiting on the results of a paternity test to see if she’s my daughter,” I explain to him, my voice almost robotic and rehearsed as I force the words out. At this point, I think I’m just becoming numb to the entire situation.

“Rowan...” Carson’s voice trails off as he stares at me. “So, you fucked this girl, she ended up pregnant, didn’t tell you, and then leaves the baby saying you’re the father.” His face pales. “What in the actual fuck?”

“Yeah, I know.” I let out a stiff laugh, the sound abrasive and unnatural. “Apparently she has some personal issues and isn’t fit to be a mother.”

He snorts. “So, she thinks you’re fit to be a father?” He rolls his eyes, shaking his head at me. “I’m kidding. But seriously, what the hell are you going to do?”

I hold my hands up, shrugging as I let out an exasperated sigh. “If she’s my child, then she’s my responsibility.”

Carson’s eyes soften, a knowing look passing through his gaze as he gives me an appreciative nod. “Honestly, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. You’re a stand-up guy, Rowan, and I admire you for that. I can’t begin to imagine the type of mindfuck you’re going through right now, yet you’re ready to step up and do whatever you have to do.”

I stare at my best friend for a moment, knowing it’s a compliment but not sure how to even respond. The last thing I need right now is for my emotions to come out of hiding. “Thanks, I appreciate that,” I tell him, finally pulling open the door to my car.

“Where is the baby now?”

“She’s at my house,” I say, my eyebrows pulling together as I watch Carson walking around to the passenger’s side of my car. He reaches for the door. “What are you doing?”

“Coming with you.”

My head cocks sideways slightly. “For what?”

“Obviously to help you.” He stares at me. “I have a niece, Rowan. I know what to do with babies.”

“So does Hadley.”

A smirk pulls on his lips, mischief dancing in his eyes. “Is she at your house right now?”

“Yes,” I tell him, my tone suddenly off. “She’s helping me until I figure things out.”

“Perfect.” Carson shuts the door to my car, backing away with mischief in his eyes. “I’ll meet you at your house.”

I narrow my eyes, watching as he turns his back to me. “I don’t need your help, Ford.”

He simply lifts his hand to wave at me, but doesn’t bother to look back or say anything in response. I watch him for a moment, a sigh escaping me as I finally lower myself into the car. I’m exhausted and Carson can be a bit of a thorn at times, but I’ll welcome any help I can get right now. Lord knows I’m going to need all the help I can get, especially if it turns out that Lucy is mine.

They say it takes a village, but I’m beginning to wonder if it takes an entire hockey team instead.