Page 38

Annie

Once the shower is as hot as it can get, I step inside, savoring the feeling of the scalding water running over my skin.

If I could choose one thing from the human world to take home with me, I think it would be water.

I do not mind the heat of Hell, but it is bone-dry, and I have fallen in love with the delicious, enveloping feeling of the shower.

The steam swirls around me and I run my hands through it, wishing I could manipulate it as I do with my shadows.

But this only makes me think about the way my shadows behaved in the car.

It was an intense moment, and I still do not have an explanation for why they would not obey.

Theo’s words from last night come back to me.

When I said that I am nothing but flame and shadow, he said he does not think that is true anymore .

Does he truly believe I could become something else?

Something with a purpose other than inflicting agony? Something…good?

I twirl my hand through the steam again and try to sense the way the water droplets move through the air, calling out to them with my magic, but it is no use.

My power was made to summon other parts of me, my flames and shadows.

Nothing more. I tilt my head back and allow the water to run over my hair too, trying to put it all out of my mind.

Misusing my magic could get me recalled, and I am desperate to find a way to stay, even though I know it is improbable at best. If Ben does return, the only way for me to remain here would be for us to fulfill the deal we made, and I know that Th eo will no longer trust either of us if he learns of that arrangement.

No, the only way I can spare them both is to make my peace with it and enjoy whatever time I do have left. I would rather spend an eternity suffering the consequences of my failure than cause either of them more pain than I already have.

“Annie?” Theo calls, knocking gently on the door and shaking me from my reverie.

“Yes! I am nearly done.”

“I made breakfast…real breakfast.” The hint of cheek in his voice is quite endearing. For all his quiet seriousness, there is another side to Theo when he allows himself to let go. Another thing I will miss once I am gone.

Once I am finished washing, I step out and use a towel to dry my body, then recreate my much-too-short shorts, and one of Ben’s band t-shirts, altering it slightly so it fits my body like a glove and exposes my arms. I use shadows to tie my wet hair into a knot on top of my head, then check the mirror.

I chose this particular form because it aligned with human female beauty standards, but now…

I think I am becoming quite attached to her.

She is beautiful, but she also looks like a person–someone with hopes and fears and dreams. Someone who enjoys Star Wars and spicy food and walking in the park.

Someone who could fall in love…maybe. I shake my head and turn away.

Those are things I can never have, no matter how badly I want them, and no matter how much pretending I do with Theo and Ben.

I may no longer wish to hurt them, I may be willing to suffer for them, but I cannot be what they want me to be.

My time in this world is limited, and I must not allow myself to forget it.

Theo has made bacon, as well as something he calls ‘French toast’, so I sit at the counter and watch as he sprinkles powdery sugar on top of the thick bread slices, then soaks them in stic ky, brown liquid.

“Is it…spicy?” I ask tentatively, and he laughs.

“Not at all. It’s very sweet, but you might like it.”

“You are sweet, and I like you.”

He snorts, “That was cheesy.”

“I thought it was sweet? I do not see any cheese.”

“No, it’s…oh my God.” Theo leans on the counter and covers his face with a hand. “It’s just an expression. It means…cute? But in a way that’s sort of…over the top…”

“I do not understand,” I say with a shrug, then take a bite of the toast. It is sticky and warm, but not awful.

I still prefer the food Ben makes, which is so spicy I can feel it awakening the Hellfire in my chest, but I eat as much of the toast as I can in order to make Theo happy.

He eats slowly and quietly. I think there could be something on his mind, but I am still so unsure when it comes to human emotions.

“Ben texted me back,” he says after he clears his plate and drops it into the sink.

“He said it’s a good thing he’s already near a hospital because the photo nearly sent him into cardiac arrest.” He smirks, and I laugh, but there is something else.

“He also heard back from that one last friend…one of the priests he contacted–about the exorcism. I think his name is Robert.”

“And?”

“He’s willing to do it, but…it could be a few weeks before he can get out here. He lives in another state.”

“Ah,” I say, and my shadow-heart flutters in my chest, “well…this is good, yes? This is what you wanted.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Did Ben say if he will return soon?”

“No, he didn’t say. He’s back at the assisted living place again. It looks like he spent the night at a hotel nearby. A really nice one.”

I raise my eyebrows. “What do you think he is doing? ”

“I guess it doesn’t matter anymore,” Theo sighs. “He held up his end of the deal. As long as I get contact information for Robert, in case Ben…disappears.”

My stomach clenches at the thought. “Do you think he will?”

“No. No, I think he’ll come back for you. To spend a bit more time with you, before…”

I swallow hard. Theo believes that, once I am exorcised from him, I will go home.

Perhaps he is holding out hope that he and Ben can be together when I am gone.

What will he do once he finds out the truth—that Ben offered himself to me?

That I planned to take full control of him once we were joined, and that neither of us ever planned to involve Theo in this?

I am even more desperate to speak to Ben now.

I must release him from our deal. I must leave them both in peace, so they might have a chance at happiness together, without me.

After we eat, I ask Theo if we can walk to the park to see Monty and Roger.

In truth, I need to move my body and take my mind off the situation.

Theo is quiet as well, and I nearly drive myself crazy trying to figure out what he is thinking while he searches for a sweater to wear.

It has been getting colder each day, and I still do not like it, but I create some warm winter clothing, then we pack up a few containers of food and go out anyway, arm-in-arm.

On the way to the park, Theo pulls us into a store to buy a few pairs of thick socks and other items for Monty, and some treats for Roger. When we walk back outside, I see his friend Mak standing on the corner, passing out more fliers. She certainly is persistent.

“Makie!” Theo calls, waving at her and grinning.

I am struck by how different he is than the last time we ran into her.

Of course, the last time, I had nearly pushed him too far and he was panicking.

I cannot stand to think about it, but then I remember that I am supposed to be Annika, the exchange student from… Sweden?

“Theo!” Mak calls back, bouncing over to us. Her hair was pink and purple last time we saw her, but she has now added a turquoise stripe down the middle. “How are you? You look great! And it’s…Annika, right?”

“Good to see you,” I say quietly, in what I hope is the same accent I used before.

“Are you still out here pestering people?” Theo asks her.

“The adoption event is on Tuesday,” Mak says, “I’m just trying to get the word out! Are you gonna come?”

“Yeah, we might swing by. It’s a fundraiser too, right?”

“Cash bar and kitties!” says Mak with a grin. “I saw that Ros posted a picture of Dante and Virgil at her new place. I know you really loved those guys and I’m sorry.”

Theo shrugs, but I know he is sad about the cats. “Well, they did technically belong to her.”

“You need to adopt!” Mak squeals, her eyes wide with excitement. “Oh, Theo, it would be perfect! The shelter has so many sweet cats right now!”

“Well…” Theo says, his eyebrows going up, “yeah, maybe. I’ll think about it.”

“I would like to go and see the animals,” I tell him with a smile. His eyebrows go up even further, and I am sure he is remembering the way Ros’s cats avoided me like the plague, and the way dogs on the street bark at me–except for my sweet Roger, of course.

“Well, you can’t refuse now, Theo,” Mak tells him firmly, winking at me. “By the way, Zayd was running in the park last week and said he saw you walking around with some guy..a really hot guy?”

Theo’s cheeks turn red. “Oh, uh…yeah, that’s just…he’s my new roommate.”

“Gay? Straight? A secret third option?” Mak asks with a smirk.

“Uh…” Theo stammers, glancing at me for a moment. “I didn’t exactly screen people by orientation, Makie.”

“Oh, well, definitely bring him with you, because Zayd seemed pretty interested in finding out,” she laughs. Theo’s face twitches slightly. Is he jealous?

“For sure,” he mutters. “See you soon, Makie. Cash bar and kitties. Can’t wait.” They hug each other, and Mak gives me a rather awkward side hug, then bounces down the street with her fliers.

“Will y ou really adopt more cats?” I ask.

“I’m not sure. I might not be in the best place to take care of more animals, what with no job and…”

“And me…Dante and Virgil did not like me.”

“They always took a while to warm up to strangers.”

I think he is just being kind, so I remind him, “They liked Ben immediately.”