Page 23

“When do I get to go on living my life without the threat of arrest dangling over my head?” he asks.

He might as well have hit me in the chest. I had almost completely forgotten about my threat to turn him in.

We get along so well, I guess I’d fooled myself into thinking that he was sticking around because he wanted to, because it was better than sleeping in his car…

or maybe because he cared about me. Completely delusional, obviously.

I clear my throat. “I’m sorry I did that,” I say quietly. “I was just…desperate and angry. You can go whenever you want to, if you don’t mind leaving me the contact information for your friends…”

Ben pauses cutting the green onions he’s working on, then picks up the cutting board and slams it down in front of me.

“Chop,” he says tersely, placing the knife next to my hand. “Thin slices.”

I don’t touch anything. “Ben…I just said you can go…”

“I heard you,” he snaps, turning around to stir the potato soup he has simmering on the stove.

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m not leaving you alone,” he says, keeping his eyes on the pot, “or her. Not right now.”

“Annoth?” I glance behind me to make sure she isn’t lurking.

“Both of you need my help.”

“She’s a demon. I don’t know if she really needs or wants anyone’s help.”

He turns back and points the wooden spoon at me. “Is that what she’s been acting like these last couple weeks? A demon? Or has she been acting like a woman who’s starting to realize there’s more to the world than what she was taught? Don’t tell me you don’t understand that feeling, Theo. ”

He goes back to stirring, and my body floods with shame. Of course, I know that feeling. It’s what made me leave my hometown and refuse to go back, even when that was all Ros wanted. As much as I tried to give her everything, I couldn’t give her that.

“Annoth isn’t human, Ben,” I say softly. “I know it’s hard to remember when she looks the way she does, and when she’s acting…softer, but you aren’t the one sharing your body. I need you to remember what she is.”

“Do you want my help or not?” he asks, closing his eyes and letting his shoulders sag.

“Because, I don’t want to leave the two of you…

until we figure this out.” He opens his eyes halfway, looking at me through long, black lashes, and something shifts in my body.

I don’t want him to leave either, but I don’t know how to say it, and I don’t know how to ask him for what I really want.

“What has the two of you looking so melancholy?” asks Annoth as she emerges from the hallway.

She’s spent the last week learning how to wrap a towel around her hair and twist it up, even though she could dry it with magic.

Her shadow-wardrobe has expanded too, so she’s now wearing a fluffy, blood-red bathrobe and slippers.

She sits beside me at the counter as I start chopping the green onions and Ben returns to stirring.

“Another one of my contacts fell through,” he tells her. “I only have one more who might answer.”

“Oh,” says Annoth. She glances at me. “But…Theo has been doing many good deeds, so maybe…”

“Still might not be enough,” I say, and she remains silent.

“It’s too fucking quiet,” Ben grunts after a minute.

“I’ll put Clone Wars on,” I mutter. We’ve worked our way through Star Wars Episodes IV, V , and VI first, then Episodes I and II , and we’ve been watching the Clone Wars animated series all week.

Even though he won’t admit it, I think I have Ben hooked.

Annoth too, because they both perk up a little when I get up to find the remote.

Just as I do, however, my phone starts buzzing on the counter.

Annoth peeks at the screen and her eyes widen, then she looks up at me with something almost resembling pity.

I can’t move, or breathe as I ask, “It’s Ros, isn’t it?”

Ben wipes his hands on a towel and picks my phone up. I’m terrified for a moment that he’s going to answer it, but instead he brings it to me and holds it out.

“Answer it and just say ‘Hey Ros’. Nothing else. Neutral, flat, disinterested. Alright?” He sets the phone on my palm, face up, then hovers his finger over the button that will answer the call. “Ready?”

I nod weakly and croak, “Yes.”

“Keep your eyes on me,” he murmurs, then slides the button to answer. His warm fingers close around mine, lifting the phone up to my ear and holding it there, standing only a few inches away. His gaze is so intense that I almost forget to speak.

“Hey, Ros,” I manage to say, although I’m not sure how neutral my voice sounds. There’s a brief pause.

“Hey, Teddy,” she says softly, and I nearly crumble. She’s the only one who calls me that other than my family. Ben apparently senses this and shakes head a little, then makes a motion that I take to mean ‘deep breaths’.

“Let me guess, you want to talk to the boys?” I say, and Ros gives a quiet, polite laugh.

“I was actually calling about that,” she says. “I finally found a place to live back home, so…I’d like to come get them…if that’s alright.”

Panic floods my brain. She can’t come over. Not with Annoth and Ben here. Not with me looking the way I do. The apartment isn’t as bad as it was, but it’s still a mess, and so am I. Ben raises his eyebrows and nods, mouthing a response for me to repeat.

“Uhh…when?” I stutter.

“Well, I know it’s super last minute and I’m sorry, but I’m actually on my way into town right now. I left a few boxes at a friend’s apartment and…I just thought… ”

“Right now…” I repeat breathlessly. My knees are shaky and the edges of my vision start to go black. Ben grips my fingers tighter and puts his other hand on my upper arm, squeezing so hard it actually hurts. The jolt of pain pulls me out of my spiral just long enough to finish the conversation.

“Is…is that alright?” Ros asks. “Are you busy? Vi told me you lost your job right after…well, she told me what happened and I’m so sorry. I-I don’t know what else to–”

“I’m not busy,” I say quickly, repeating the words Ben is mouthing. “Just come over.”

“Thanks, Teddy,” Ros says, “and…thanks for taking care of my boys. You know how much they mean to me.”

“Yeah, I know.” Before I can say anything else, Ben pulls the phone gently away from my ear and hangs up.

My knees buckle, my vision blurs again, and before I know it, I’m sinking toward the floor.

But he catches me. His arms wrap around my back and his chest presses against mine.

His lips are so close, I could kiss them…

if I wanted to…not that I do. He guides me over to sit in the armchair and when he moves away, I want him to come back.

Nothing in my life feels solid right now besides him.

“You did great,” he tells me. “Now, how much time do we have?”

“I dunno…maybe twenty minutes…maybe an hour,” I mutter. “Not sure how far away she is. I should’ve asked…I’m sorry.”

Ben stands up and looks at Annoth, who is sitting at the counter looking supremely bored.

“Alright, Your Highness,” he snaps at her, “off your ass. Let’s get this place cleaned up.”

“Excuse me? I am not a maidservant.”

“If you got time to lean, you got time to clean!” Ben cackles.

“She cannot be out when Ros gets here,” I tell him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll stick her back in her enclosure and lock the door,” he says, winking at me. “You just sit and chill out. Annie, vámonos !”

She slides off her chair with a grumble and takes the trash bag he hands her, then stands there rolling her eyes as he zooms around the main living area, picking up trash and piling dirty clothes on the couch. I sit, holding my head in my hands and trying not to slip back into a panic attack.

This cannot be happening. Not now. I thought I had more time before things became so permanently…

over. I guess I thought as long as the cats were still here, there was a tiny chance Ros might come back.

That she might realize how much she missed our little family and our life together.

Now, that tiny chance seems infinitesimal at best.

“Ben,” I croak. He ties off the trash bag and crouches in front of me. “What do I say to her when she gets here?”

“Well, you know, they didn’t teach me much about talking to women in seminary,” he jokes. “Just…stay off tricky topics. Don’t talk about feelings, don’t mention the break-up. If you have to talk, ask about her family, or tell her about what the cats have been doing.”

“Yeah…alright.”

“Oh, and Annie might be able to vanish into thin air, but I can’t,” he says gently. “Do you want me to stick around? I could just wait in the office, or…”

“Can you, uh…can you stay out here?”

“Sure, sure. I’ll just be your very handsome, charming new roommate, ok? You needed one after you lost your job.”

“Ok,” I mumble, then stand up and wander down the hall to the bathroom.

I’ve been avoiding looking in mirrors, but now I do, and I cringe.

My hair has grown out much longer than I would usually allow it, and it’s greasy.

I haven’t shaved since she left, just trimmed here and there with clippers when I started to look like a yeti.

Ros hated it when I tried to grow facial hair, so maybe it was my own small, petty attempt at revenge.

I try to scrub my face and beard clean, then scrounge through my drawers for anything I can use to look slightly more presentable.

I’ve got nothing, but Ben keeps a jar of pomade on the counter, so I pick it up and debate what might be the best way to use it.

“You look…adequate,” says a quiet voice.

Annoth pokes her head all the way around the bathroom door.

She’s swapped her robe for a pair of basic yoga pants and a tank top, with her hair in a long braid over her shoulder, but she still looks like a bombshell.

For a split second, I consider asking her to stay out while Ros is here, but…

that’s not me. I’ve never been petty. Ros deserves to be happy, even if it isn’t with me, and trying to make her jealous won’t help me feel any better.

“Adequate,” I laugh. “Just what every man wants to hear.”

Annoth reaches out and takes the pomade from me, then pops it open and scoops some onto her fingers.

Ben has been showing her how he uses it every morning, so I dip my head and let her run her fingers through my hair, pushing it back.

She radiates warmth, quite literally, and the closer she stands, the more I want to reach out and touch her.

My life has been so cold lately, and ironically, the only warmth that’s come back into it is via Hell.

“There. Now you look…more than adequate.” She doesn’t drop her hands when she’s done, just stands there with her fingers resting at my temples and a strange look in her wide, black-as-coal eyes.

“You should…probably go now,” I tell her.

Her hands fall and so does her gaze. “Yes, you are right.”

“And, could you not talk to me while she’s here, please?” I tap the side of my head.

“If you wanted to avenge yourself, to frighten her…torment her or something of that nature, I would be more than willing to help,” Annoth says, and she sounds strangely earnest, as if she actually believes that hurting Ros will make me happy.

A weak laugh escapes me, and for some re ason, I reach out and take her hand, gently pressing my thumb into her palm as she closes her fingers over mine.

“You said you want to learn about humans, so here’s a good lesson for you: as a general rule, we don’t hurt the people we love.”

“You still love her?” Annoth asks, a small line appearing between her eyebrows.

“Of course, I do.”

She silently examines our hands, clasped together in front of her chest.

“What must that feel like?” she whispers.

“To be loved…” With a loud whoosh and a swirl of shadow, she vanishes, pressing herself back into my body.

I blink a few times, adjusting to the sensation of hosting her again, then check the mirror.

I do look better now, I’ll admit. Maybe I’ll keep the longer hair.

“Thanks…Annie,” I say out loud. There’s no response, and then I hear the cats start to meow frantically, followed by a knock on the door. Out in the kitchen, Ben is still making dinner, and he smiles when he sees me.

“He cleans up pretty nice, doesn’t he, Annie?”

In response, the lights flicker and the TV switches to playing Star Wars: Episode IV . Ben laughs, then looks at Virgil and Dante, who are pacing and yowling by the door.

“Let’s get this over with,” I say firmly, putting my hand on the knob.