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I let out a quiet laugh too and pull myself off of Ben, then turn and collapse onto his chest. He wraps one arm around me and one around Theo, holding us the way you might hold something sacred: cautiously, gently, but with a quiet certainty that says ‘there is no way in Hell I am letting this go’.

I am able to dress and clean myself rather quickly, relieved to find that my shadows are now operating correctly again as I stand outside the car, waiting for Theo and Ben.

I do not know what occurred during our little romp in the back seat, why my shadows no longer obeyed me, but I am unsettled by it.

I have never heard of such a thing occurring during a possession, and I dare not attempt to contact my masters, for fear that they will recall me.

I meant what I said to Ben at the soccer game.

I do not wish to go home now. Even if the human world is as he says, full of sin and darkness, the bits of it that I have experienced are still full of…

something. Not pure light, not unending goodness, or unconditional love, or magnificent grace, but something else: The fullness that can only come from feeling hunger.

The joy that must know pain first. The care that can only be born from neglect and cruelty.

I believe that is what I have found, and I am desperate to hold onto it, whatever the cost.

Theo and Ben stumble from the back seat and stretch themselves out, then Ben leans against the car and pulls Theo into him.

Their lips meet in a long, slow kiss, hands tenderly mapping each other’s bodies and faces.

I envy them this. Not the physical sensation of it, but the ease with which they know they can become attached to one another.

Ben glances at me and I attempt a smile.

“What’s wrong, mi amor ?” he calls out. “Already wanting more?”

I turn to face them and roll my eyes. “I am hungry now,” I say to Ben, who approaches me and takes my hand, then kisses it.

“Theo, we’d better feed the beast quickly,” he jokes, “before she turns on us.”

“Good idea, even though she’s lying about being hungry,” Theo replies with a laugh.

I tense when he comes to stand next to me, unsure if he has actually softened or if it was only the heat of the moment.

But he wraps an arm around my waist and kisses the top of my shoulder, which is now covered by Ben’s leather jacket.

I lean my head against his and close my eyes while they discuss options for food, but then they go strangely silent.

I open my eyes to see Ben staring at the screen of his phone, looking anxious.

“Uhh…” he says softly, “I have to take this. Hang on.” He answers and begins speaking rapidly in Spanish, walking away from us to stand at the edge of the overlook. A line appears between Theo’s eyebrows.

“What is it?” I ask. “Can you understand?”

“No,” he sighs. Before he can say anything else, Ben abruptly hangs up and comes back over, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“I have to go,” he says quietly. “For a day or two.”

A chill runs through my body.

“Where?” Theo asks.

“It’s just a…family thing…” Ben mutters, putting his foot on the bumper of the car and pushing it. “I’ll take you two home and grab my stuff, but then…yeah.” Theo looks at me and I shake my head, unsure what to make of it.

“Alright,” he says, putting a hand on Ben’s arm.

“You know we’re here if you want to talk, but if not…

let’s just get home.” Ben gives him a weak smile and we all get back into the car.

Theo lets me sit in the front and I scoot close to Ben on the bench seat.

He puts on his playlist of country music, then takes my hand and does not let go of it the entire drive.

When the song about tequila and favorite sins starts to play, I rest my head on his shoulder.

When we arrive back at the apartment, Ben takes a brief shower. When he comes out of the office, carrying his bag, Theo tenses and puts his hands on the countertop, then closes his eyes.

“Are you coming back?” he asks, voice flat and hard.

Ben’s face falls. “Do…do you want me to, osito ?”

“Of course, we do,” I say, taking his hand and throwing Theo a glare, but Ben waits for him to answer. After nearly thirty seconds of tension, Theo’s shoulders sag.

“Yes,” he sighs. “Of course, I do. I’m sorry. I just…” Ben drops his bag and goes around the end of the counter, then puts an arm around Theo’s waist and a hand on his cheek.

“Look at me, Theo,” he says firmly. “I’m coming back, alright?

That anxiety in your head, telling you that I got what I wanted and now I’m running out, it’s lying .

You gave me the chance to leave and I couldn’t, because…

because I’m in it now. Whatever the fuck this is, I was in it before we got into that backseat, and I’m still in it now. Come Hell or high water.”

The corners of Theo’s mouth twitch in a frown. “I’m in it too,” he says, “but…you couldn’t pick a different reassuring phrase?” Ben’s signature, dimpled grin lights up the entire room and he goes to where his jacket is hanging on the wall.

“Look. I’m getting picked up, so…you two can keep these.” He takes his car keys and flask from the pockets and sets them on the counter, then drapes the jacket over my shoulders. I pull it tight and lean against his chest as he wraps his arms around me from behind.

“You’re gonna leave your car?” Theo asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Collateral,” Ben tells him, then kisses the side of my head. “Don’t make her watch too much Star Wars , alright? ”

“There is no such thing,” I say, looking back at Ben with a smile that feels forced.

He might be leaving his car, but something feels off.

I wonder if I am afraid, like Theo is, that he will not return.

Once Ben has reassured Theo one more time, and even allowed tracking of his location on Theo’s phone, he comes back to me.

“Please do not go,” I say quietly, twisting my fingers through his. He kisses my forehead and leans his cheek against it.

“I have to, Annie girl,” he murmurs. “I promise it’ll only be a couple days, and I’ll explain everything when I get back. I owe you two that, at least.”

“Very well,” I reply, tilting my face back so he can kiss me. It is warm and slow and deep, only making me ache for more, but then he steps away.

Without him, I am left cold and empty, even when I push Hellfire through my veins.